Missed opportunities

[kupo15]

Hey,
So my biggest problem flirting with women actually is pulling the trigger. Getting the number. Sealing my interest. I've had three potential women and all three times I feel like the opportunity was there but I either didn't recognize it, convinced myself that she didn't mean it like that, or flat out froze up. I want to tell 3 short stories and please give me your opinions if its too late since I missed my opportunity.

Girl 1- We met after I just moved to my new place about 3 months ago. Had a couple of get togethers in which I felt like there was an opportunity to actually go in for the kiss but talked myself out of it. I wasn't 100% positive if those were the signals she was sending. The fact that it was always me initiating get togethers every week without any contact inbetween yet she seemed quite interested in me when we hung out was very mix signaly. I didn't want to risk a potential friendship since I just moved to my first apt. and knew no one.

After many weeks I am pretty sure that she was interested in me to some degree more than a friend and that I should have made a move a while back. Nothing has been different about the frequency in which we hang out, (which is hardly ever anymore) I'm pretty much at the point where I'm going to move on but do you think that something is still salvageable after a couple of missed opportunities?

Girl 2- I just met this girl at the bar whom was introduced to me by a mutual friend. She was in town for the weekend as she lives 2 hours away and claims to have a bf (she offhandedly mentioned him in conversation). Things were going really smooth talking and flirting with her and the moment of truth came up. I knew I had to say something but didn't know if I should have asked her back to my room (since our talking eluded to that) or if I should have just asked her number. I never got the chance to confirm that I felt the same way because 2 seconds later she went away to get another beer. That opportunity left so fast I was amazed. Needless to say I was over thinking the situation wondering what line was the right one.

There might be times when I see her again and if so, do you think this one missed opportunity ruined any chance of anything happening the next time I see her?

Girl 3- I'm in the orchestra and this girl plays the same instrument as me. I thought she was pretty but I didn't try to pursue her cause if it turned out ugly it would be a really awkward situation since we sit 2 ft next to each other during orchestra. This is much different than in a regular class with desks.

All of a sudden I would say that we mutually flirted with each other which included playful, safe touching/caressing. After a week of this, I decided to abruptly ask for her number (not really smooth let me tell you) and since then things have been different. The flirting went away but we are still friendly and she gives me cute smiles occasionally. At this point I decided not to pursue thinking that she isn't interested anymore. I think my flaw was that I showed too much interest really quickly instead of being a casual thing.

Well, lately the vibe from her has been better than usual and my buddy said that she was looking at me all night when we ran into her at the bar recently. I am so confused because I felt like she was interested, then she really wasn't interested and now I don't know what to think. She's one of those really nice girls that you can't really tell if she is really nice or interested. The physical flirting still isn't back even though I tried to bring it back.

What should I do?


Thanks

[raunchy gal]

Well i think you still have a chance with all three girls but #3 sounds more promising.You don't know if they are interested unless you bite the bullet and ask them out.It doesn't have be fancy,a coffee,or casual drink in a bar.If they say yes then thats great,if not well don't get too upset,youll get plenty of other opportunities.

[headhead]

Lots of gals flirt just to see if they can get a guy to ask them out; then they can brush him off. To be fair, some guys are come-ons.

You'll never know unless you make a move. You've got the idea that timing is important; the more experience you get, the better you'll get at seizing the moment.

So pull the trigger when you see the target squarely in your sights. You may miss, and she runs away. Or, you may misfire. But the more practice you get, the better you'll get at scoring a hit. Keep hunting.

[dancingdoc2]

Good recommendations have been given all while I was preparing breakfast and mulling over all this.

Originally Posted by kupo15

Hey,
So my biggest problem flirting with women actually is pulling the trigger. Getting the number. Sealing my interest. I've had three potential women and all three times I feel like the opportunity was there but I either didn't recognize it, convinced myself that she didn't mean it like that, or flat out froze up. I want to tell 3 short stories and please give me your opinions if its too late since I missed my opportunity.

I gather from your comments that you have not read the articles in the Index regarding dating and kissing and Implied Consent. Here are the keys to establishing and maintaining a great relationship:
* Communication- Relationships are partnerships and they require that people communicate by voice, letter, and non-verbal {body language) with each other.
* Feedback- Providing information on how we are responding or reacting to something said or done, and, perhaps, for what we need now/next.
* Implied Consent- means a man or woman has implied his/her consent without actually stating it. Consent is implied by simply being there, open to the possibility, and waiting. You don't have to ask "is it OK if...." just do it and if it isn't OK you will soon know.

Girl 1- We met after I just moved to my new place about 3 months ago. Had a couple of get togethers in which I felt like there was an opportunity to actually go in for the kiss but talked myself out of it. I wasn't 100% positive if those were the signals she was sending. The fact that it was always me initiating get togethers every week without any contact inbetween yet she seemed quite interested in me when we hung out was very mix signaly. I didn't want to risk a potential friendship since I just moved to my first apt. and knew no one.

I believe your "mixed signals" were are result of over thinking on your part. If she is there {with you) and not in any hurry to leave, then you can infer that she is interested, open to the possibilities, and, waiting. Next time do not disappoint.

What does your last sentence, above, mean? What is there to risk, particularly if you know no one? Isn't the purpose to find and establish new friendships? If "yes", then how do you propose to go about it if not to ask a person out for coffee, lunch, dinner, and/or a movie? What does having just moved into an apartment have to do with establishing friendships? What are you going to do later after being there for a year or two and wanting someone new? This is just you being overly analytical.

After many weeks I am pretty sure that she was interested in me to some degree more than a friend and that I should have made a move a while back.

You made the connection "after many weeks"? Like, Dude, she was interested the second and the third and the ....time she decided to be with you! Please understand that if "a woman is interested" she will move heaven and earth and other obligations to be with you. If "a woman is not interested" you will know this rather quickly.

Nothing has been different about the frequency in which we hang out, (which is hardly ever anymore) I'm pretty much at the point where I'm going to move on but do you think that something is still salvageable after a couple of missed opportunities?

Please give me her name and telephone number and I'll call and ask her. Better yet, why don't you? If you are ready to move on, then move on; however, before you do, why not ask yourself why? In my never to be so humble opinion, if you were really really interested in this person, you'd be moving heaven and earth to be with her. Which card are you going to play?

Girl 2- I just met this girl at the bar whom was introduced to me by a mutual friend. She was in town for the weekend as she lives 2 hours away and claims to have a bf (she offhandedly mentioned him in conversation). Things were going really smooth talking and flirting with her and the moment of truth came up. I knew I had to say something but didn't know if I should have asked her back to my room (since our talking eluded to that) or if I should have just asked her number. I never got the chance to confirm that I felt the same way because 2 seconds later she went away to get another beer. That opportunity left so fast I was amazed. Needless to say I was over thinking the situation wondering what line was the right one.

A two hour separation is too distant. That this woman whom you do not know is in a relationship are reasons enough not to chase after her.

Regardless of how far away a person lives, I would not invite her to "my room" so soon. Better to have a couple of legitimate dates under your belt, first, especially if you are interested in more than a simple booty call.

There might be times when I see her again and if so, do you think this one missed opportunity ruined any chance of anything happening the next time I see her?

If all you are interested with a person living so far away is a pleasant evening, then ask, otherwise, find a local gal.

Girl 3- I'm in the orchestra and this girl plays the same instrument as me. I thought she was pretty but I didn't try to pursue her cause if it turned out ugly it would be a really awkward situation since we sit 2 ft next to each other during orchestra. This is much different than in a regular class with desks.

As the saying goes: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

Whether a situation or circumstance turns out ugly or not has more to do with how the people involve choose to handle the matter. If the two of you have a good friendship, try dating, and it doesn't work out, there is absolutely no reason for the result to become "ugly". As with many things, you try it, you like it--or, not. No harm, no foul.

All of a sudden I would say that we mutually flirted with each other which included playful, safe touching/caressing. After a week of this, I decided to abruptly ask for her number (not really smooth let me tell you) and since then things have been different. The flirting went away but we are still friendly and she gives me cute smiles occasionally. At this point I decided not to pursue thinking that she isn't interested anymore. I think my flaw was that I showed too much interest really quickly instead of being a casual thing.

Asked and answered, above.

Well, lately the vibe from her has been better than usual and my buddy said that she was looking at me all night when we ran into her at the bar recently. I am so confused because I felt like she was interested, then she really wasn't interested and now I don't know what to think. She's one of those really nice girls that you can't really tell if she is really nice or interested. The physical flirting still isn't back even though I tried to bring it back.

What should I do?

Communicate with her. Talk with her. Ask her out for a Coke and pie. Do something, even if it is wrong. If "it" happens to be wrong, do a mid course correction and try, again.

Thanks

[kupo15]

Thanks for all the wonderful posts.

I gather from your comments that you have not read the articles in the Index regarding dating and kissing and Implied Consent. Here are the keys to establishing and maintaining a great relationship:
* Communication- Relationships are partnerships and they require that people communicate by voice, letter, and non-verbal {body language) with each other.
* Feedback- Providing information on how we are responding or reacting to something said or done, and, perhaps, for what we need now/next.
* Implied Consent- means a man or woman has implied his/her consent without actually stating it. Consent is implied by simply being there, open to the possibility, and waiting. You don't have to ask "is it OK if...." just do it and if it isn't OK you will soon know.

Yes I have several times lol. My problem is trusting my instinct and not overthinking.

What does your last sentence, above, mean? What is there to risk, particularly if you know no one? Isn't the purpose to find and establish new friendships? If "yes", then how do you propose to go about it if not to ask a person out for coffee, lunch, dinner, and/or a movie? What does having just moved into an apartment have to do with establishing friendships? What are you going to do later after being there for a year or two and wanting someone new? This is just you being overly analytical.

I meant, I didn't want to risk making a move too soon. Getting together isn't the issue, its taking it to the next step and trusting my instincts and not "cock blocking" myself. But now I realized that I'm not really interested in "just friends" especially not with this girl so I should have just went for it. Oh well.

You made the connection "after many weeks"? Like, Dude, she was interested the second and the third and the ....time she decided to be with you! Please understand that if "a woman is interested" she will move heaven and earth and other obligations to be with you. If "a woman is not interested" you will know this rather quickly.

The thing is, she didn't go heaven and earth to hang out. I always had to initiate contact which made me think she wasn't interested but when we did hang out (cause I asked) then I guess she acted more interested. I know not every girl is the same but you would think that an interested girl would at least meet you half way to hang out, right?

Please give me her name and telephone number and I'll call and ask her. Better yet, why don't you? If you are ready to move on, then move on; however, before you do, why not ask yourself why? In my never to be so humble opinion, if you were really really interested in this person, you'd be moving heaven and earth to be with her. Which card are you going to play?

Funny thing. I actually tried to hang out with her earlier in the week so I could open an opportunity to at least get rejected but it was unsuccessful. She said things like she still too stressed with all the things she had to do and that she wouldn't be free for 2 weeks. I went along with it but I'm already thinking its too late. I guess I'll just wait it out and see what happens while I look elsewhere.

I wish I at least got a solid rejection from trying something lol. Getting a definitive NO is much better than not knowing.

A two hour separation is too distant. That this woman whom you do not know is in a relationship are reasons enough not to chase after her.

Regardless of how far away a person lives, I would not invite her to "my room" so soon. Better to have a couple of legitimate dates under your belt, first, especially if you are interested in more than a simple booty call.

I'm pretty sure it would only be a booty call. I wouldn't be interested in such a long dist relationship.

Girl 3

Ok. I guess I'll try to set up some dates and see how things go.


_______________

Question: What is the fine line between going heaven and earth to hang out with someone and being pushy? How do you walk that line?

[dancingdoc2]

Thanks for the continuing dialog.

> Yes I have several times lol. My problem is trusting my instinct and not over thinking.

Perhaps another way of looking at this stagnation is fear of failure. Dating is fraught with failures and successes. Ya just gotta ask. Doing so is not unlike what a direct salesman encounters each day whether s/he is in the field of insurance, automobiles, direct phone sales, etc. The sales person receives more "NO's" than "yeses", yet it only takes one "yes" to make money--and satisfy a customer. Just ask and do not fear being rejected. When this happens, simply smile, wish the person well, and move on to the next person in line.

> But now I realized that I'm not really interested in "just friends" especially not with this girl so I should have just went for it. Oh well.

Say what?

OK, so this might have been a booty call. That's fine if this is what she also wants. For those who are to follow, make friends first, then bed them if this is to follow; its more rewarding this way.

> Getting together isn't the issue, its taking it to the next step and trusting my instincts and not "cock blocking" myself.

Put your instincts on the back burner and go with Implied Consent.

> ...she wouldn't be free for 2 weeks. I went along with it but I'm already thinking its too late. I guess I'll just wait it out and see what happens while I look elsewhere.

Try keeping the lines of communication open by phoning her every few days just to say "hello, I'm thinkin' about you" and to chat if she has some free time. Near the end of two weeks, invite her out and make a date for sometime after.

> Ok. I guess I'll try to set up some dates and see how things go.

Keep on keeping on.... If she is still busy, then move on.

[Qplezsthawife]

get aggressive and stop being so timid

what you really need is a hypeman.....someone that is gonna dare you to do something that you wouldn't normally do.......when i was on the dating scene, my hypeman was in my head and it didn't take much to amp me up

who cares if you get rejected? If it don't break you, it makes you stronger......Go for small talk (enough to get her interested), ask for her number, and bounce......wait a few days, then call and set up a date a couple of days after that day, but small talk only......you're busy and have things to do and don't have time to talk.....call her the day you're suppose to go out to confirm the time and what to wear.......go on your date, have fun and dare to be different

the end

[Qplezsthawife]

the small talk is because once you got her attention, it's to keep her there.......a little mystery will keep her thinking about who is this guy and what is he really about.....basically keep the excitement alive....no one wants someone that is boring

oh about your dates/girl situations

Girl#1: Yea you pretty much messed that up.....you had her interested but you punked out

Girl#2: Unpredictable......she was drinking beer, so maybe she was out for action, maybe not (usually the women i've came across that wanted sex were drinking mixed drinks, not beer....unless at a frat party or something of that natural)......she acted like she wasn't looking for a bf by putting out there that she had one......but the brief mentioning him and then brushing it off she probably was looking for some excitement for the night....possibly a one night stand?......yea, you should have tested her to see what she was looking for......i wouldn't have asked for the number, rather ask her back to the room first.....if she didn't bite at that, then ask for the number......and if not that, she's just out teasing and flirting.......she isn't quite ready for that guilt trip yet

Girl#3: you lost her......you lost her interest, therefore she's not interested.......it will take something extraordinary for you to pull her back to you....it's basically a lost cause

[kupo15]

Thanks for the continuing dialog.

Thank you for being the group of people that whips me into shape and confirms that I need to change

Just ask and do not fear being rejected. When this happens, simply smile, wish the person well, and move on to the next person in line.

Yep, I just have to do it. Getting a No feels better then never trying at all. A least with a No I can erase her from my mind but never trying equals torturous regret.

Say what?

Yea. Its clear that she doesn't want to be just friends and neither do I. In fact, just from hanging out I know that I don't even want a relationship with her either. My ideal relationship with her would be a FWB.

And now you have exposed a serious flaw in my dating mentality which I'm desperately trying to remove. I look at things 10 steps ahead of where I am at. If I don't see or have a moderate amount of doubt that things will work out down the road, I tend to close up. Essentially, I'm having a hard time giving people a chance and assuming things for no reason and then later I regret it and feel like I have to play catch up. This played a factor in girl 1. This is where me being too sensitive comes out.

Instead, I should take things how they come, get the action that we both want with Implied Consent, then assess the situation to see if its something worth pursuing. Otherwise its too late if I do things the other way around.

Yes its stupid. Yes its idiotic. Yes, I will do my best to stop this terrible insecurity. Its just a little tough

For those who are to follow, make friends first, then bed them if this is to follow; its more rewarding this way.

I agree. The problem with this is that the more I get to know someone, the more I start to care about them (maybe too much?) and it makes taking things to the next step harder since more is at stake.

Keep on keeping on.... If she is still busy, then move on.

I think you confused girl 2 with girl 3. But yes, I'll give it a shot!

get aggressive and stop being so timid

what you really need is a hypeman.....someone that is gonna dare you to do something that you wouldn't normally do.......when i was on the dating scene, my hypeman was in my head and it didn't take much to amp me up

who cares if you get rejected? If it don't break you, it makes you stronger......Go for small talk (enough to get her interested), ask for her number, and bounce......wait a few days, then call and set up a date a couple of days after that day, but small talk only......you're busy and have things to do and don't have time to talk.....call her the day you're suppose to go out to confirm the time and what to wear.......go on your date, have fun and dare to be different

the end

I like you. Thats some real talk, straight out and up front.


Its nice because I just started hanging out with a group of guys who go out a lot so I'll be giving myself a lot more opportunities to get numbers now and play the field.

[Qplezsthawife]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

> ...she wouldn't be free for 2 weeks. I went along with it but I'm already thinking its too late. I guess I'll just wait it out and see what happens while I look elsewhere.

Try keeping the lines of communication open by phoning her every few days just to say "hello, I'm thinkin' about you" and to chat if she has some free time. Near the end of two weeks, invite her out and make a date for sometime after.

> Ok. I guess I'll try to set up some dates and see how things go.

Keep on keeping on.... If she is still busy, then move on.

i'm sorry, but i have to do this........

this is bad advice........it just makes you seem so desperate........more like a chump

"Lines of communication" is for committed relationships in my opinion.....you aren't even a couple yet.....so squash that "Lines of communication" crap and move on.......your instinct that you think it's too late is keeping it real with you.......you lost....let it go