He wants the best of both worlds

[raunchy gal]

my boyfriend assured me that he was definitely finished with his ex,but i found out via text message from her that they hadn't split up at all and were planning to get married(they had been together 10 years)and have just recently got a house together,something else she told me.He wanted the best of both worlds but i don't want to be just his mistress/sex bunny.He told me he loved me yet he lied to me about breaking up with his girlfriend.I was completely honest with him about my feelings.I've only just gained enough confidence in myself to be more assertive and outgoing and i feel like a total fool for believing him.I had known him for a few years as a friend but now i don't want anything more to do with him,and his girlfriend who once considered me a friend thinks i stole her man even though i have told her that he chased and seduced me.She is 22 years younger than him,he is 52.I am 43,he said that he felt that we were better suited to each other in terms of age and other things in common such as similar life experiences.Am i gullible for believing him?Or just unlucky in love,it seems that i always get treated badly by men.Maybe i am too nice a person and they see through me.What can i do to improve my chances in the love game?

[Brandye]

If you "always get mistreated by men" perhaps there is something you are doing that is bringing the dirt balls to you. Like hanging around the wrong places or the wrong crowd or not seeking the better morsels but simply accepting castoffs. You are not a fool; you were used and you want nothing to do with that bloke.

Do a bit of a life inventory, with help if you wish, and see what you can change - other than continue to be nice but not so trusting until the trust is earned.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by raunchy gal

my boyfriend assured me that he was definitely finished with his ex,but i found out via text message from her that they hadn't split up at all and were planning to get married(they had been together 10 years)and have just recently got a house together,something else she told me.

Sounds like this male person is a player. He wants to be able to have his cake and eat it, too, as the saying goes. His story line to you and your involvement has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Do not be hard on yourself; you were "had" and this has nothing to do with you as a person.

He wanted the best of both worlds but i don't want to be just his mistress/sex bunny.

Of course, nor should you be.

He told me he loved me yet he lied to me about breaking up with his girlfriend. I was completely honest with him about my feelings.

Relationships are built on trust, yet to get the relationship moving, a certain minimal amount of trust has to be freely given. Thank goodness most of the time trust continues to increase in a positive manner from there. Unfortunately, sometimes it does not. That it does not, should not be a reflection upon anything you failed to do or see coming.

I've only just gained enough confidence in myself to be more assertive and outgoing and i feel like a total fool for believing him.

When a person tells a lie, it is simply a fabricated story, good or bad. "White lies" are sometimes justified for the greater good; however, whoppers, are more often than not destructive. These lies were something done to you, and nothing about them is your fault or something you could foretell; therefore, it is counter productive to be hard on yourself.

I had known him for a few years as a friend but now i don't want anything more to do with him,and his girlfriend who once considered me a friend thinks i stole her man even though i have told her that he chased and seduced me.

What are you going to do about the guy? I hope you state that you will no longer accept phone calls, call him, or have any other interactions. If you happen to meet in passing, simply smile, and nod or say hello and keep moving.

...he said that he felt that we were better suited to each other in terms of age and other things in common such as similar life experiences.

Maybe yes, maybe no. It mattered at the time, now it does not. Accept the statement for what it is and think no more about it.

Am i gullible for believing him?

Absolutely not, and this is the point I made, above.

Or just unlucky in love,it seems that i always get treated badly by men.

Please follow Brandye's recommendation, above.

Maybe i am too nice a person and they see through me. What can i do to improve my chances in the love game?

Please read the articles listed in the Index regarding dating. Have you read any of my replies to others about the subject?

Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us; rather, it should be an ongoing process of meeting people, going out with them, and, learning more about them. Dates may last one or two times; several will last longer; a couple will be long term. In the end, all will come and go except for "the one" who will be a keeper.

Being "too nice a person and they see through me" is another way of saying "gullible". No, you are not the latter; however, I agree with Brandye that you need to develop some people skills and test your intuition more.

In the future, should the situation ever happen again, do not date a friend's ex-girl/boy friend. Hopefully your lady friend will see that you were telling the truth. Her reaction to your news is more than likely a defensive reaction.

So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and meet more eligible bachelors. Inform family, friends, and coworkers that you are interested in dating and ask for their help in finding someone. This is called networking.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[raunchy gal]

Thank you dancingdoc 2 and Brandye your suggestions have helped me realise that i deserve better than the "crumbs" i have been picking up.I have informed my ex that i will have no further contact with him and if i see him in passing i will be polite but not overly friendly.In thinking about it now i realise that there were signs that he was conning me but i didn't pay attention at the time.I will be more cautious next time,be a little less trusting and open with my feelings.I've made a few mistakes in my life,and learned from them,i'm trying the best i can to better myself but there's still a long road to travel.

[ravishing]

Raunchy, I am going to say this because I care. You are being a doormat. You need to stop letting men walk all over you. To be honest, I knew this post was coming since I saw your profile and first posts a week ago. Under occupation it said: "keeping my man interested and happy at all times". That's not your responsibility and that's not a healthy attitude. Also posts about how you were going to watch porn because he liked to and how he was "pleased as punch" that you asked him to insert an anal dildo (when you didn't want anything in there before you got with him). There is such a thing as too eager to please, and the sharks of the world will feed off that. That goes for men, women, love, and life in general. You are probably too nice and too giving. Those are noble traits, but they're also the favorite traits of jerks, bullies, and moochers. Now is the time to take life by the horns. RAWR, you know? You deserve better than this guy, and I think you should tell him that and then break off contact. His fiancee is probably too good for him as well. This guy is a wolf in sheep's clothing. For a change, maybe a guy should be working to keep YOU interested and happy. Or better, if no one works at all and it's just healthy, mutual fun. No low self esteem required.

[dancingdoc2]

> I will be more cautious next time, be a little less trusting and open with my feelings.

You hear your comments echoed a lot by women and some men who have been "burned" by a friend or loved one. I disagree with your plan to be more cautions and less trusting. Here's why:

Years ago when I was a sales manager trainee for a major electronics retailer, my district manager told us newbe's to greet each new customer with a smile and cheerful greeting and immediately forget what just happened with the previous customer, especially if s/he was difficult or obnoxious and a problem. The customer walking in the door could care less about your day, or the difficult time you just had with someone else. S/he simply wants the benefit of your time and knowledge in a pleasant atmosphere.

The same can be said for the new person you are about to date, and may continue to date. It is important that we give the new gal/guy the benefit of the doubt--always, until s/he gives us cause not to trust. Trusting is like being pregnant: it's all or nothing, not part way. Remember what I said in an earlier post? At the beginning of a new relationship, both of you have to give some slight amount of trust in order for there to be any traction in the relationship. Trust must be earned by the things we say, do, the way we behave, and, our reliability.

When a person is so cautious and hesitant to trust, a new relationship problem is created: I mentioned it, above--traction. When a person cannot or will not trust someone who has not demonstrated untrustworthy behavior then the relationship will stagnate and eventually deteriorate. Here is my rationale for fully trusting a person--until. What difference does it make when your trust is broken whether you trusted just a little bit or a great deal? So, as the ol' adage goes, "if you're in for a penny, you might as well be in for a pound."

Please read my reply regarding trust on this thread.

Here is EEKs thoughts on trust w/regard to adultery.

The same rationale holds for your intent to not open up and share feelings, thoughts, beliefs, expectations, goals, values, etc., with a new boyfriend, or, anybody who is new in your circle of friends.

Please read the article on self confidence that is listed in the Index.

[raunchy gal]

Again thanks for the advice.Ravishing you are right i am letting men walk all over me and want to please them too much,and dancingdoc 2 you are also spot on trust should be earned.In future i will be more assertive and not be such a pushover to be treated badly.I am a very caring and giving person and need to remember that i deserve to be treated with respect,love and kindness as well as dishing them out to others

[RedRoses]

Dear Raunchy Gal,
I'm so sorry to read what's happened to you recently. What a disrespectful way to treat you! That man should be ashamed of himself. I hope your friend will think hard and long before she decides to go through with this marriage. He doesn't deserve her or you. You really do deserve better and I hope you shall find it soon. From all I've read in your other posts and threads, you've been through enough. I wish you luck, happiness and lots of love! Just wanted to let you know this

[airlineprincess]

hey all, ive recently moved back home and sadly had to leave my partner of 2 years behind. We are trying to the long distance thing but its killing me. Anyone have any tips on how to make it work?


EDITED: Removed SPAM

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Airlineprincess

[raunchy gal]

I don't have any tips re long distance relationships.Had one a long time ago but it didn't work out.After what i've been through recently with my lying,cheating player of a boyfriend i should read lesbians diary.I am thinking of jumping ship anyway.A woman might treat me better than a man and might be more honest and open with their feelings and emotions