Not-yet-relationship help needed

[pai]

I am sitting at kind of a catch 22 with a guy right now. We have been talking for something like 7 months online (he lives across the country from me). The mutual physical attraction is just off the charts. Im into some kinks he has that he has never gotten to fulfill and vice versa. Outside the sex we have a lot in common as well, and I can see this being serious, which I really want. Realistically though-- heres what I am looking at.
We can't really GET serious without meeting or living closer, theres no way around that. But. When you aren't serious, how do you talk stuff like "hi honey im going to pack up and leave everything and move across the country to be with you, though we barely know each other". I have approached the idea with him, very carefully, saying I have a friend a few states from him that I want to visit and does he want to meet up when I do, and he said sure.

My question is basically, how do I figuratively sit him down and have the "us" talk, when theres no "us". Ill be honest, I like him a lot and have ZERO friend/family/attachment ties to the city I live in. I have zero issue with packing up and moving closer to him-- but thats stupid to do when I dont know if hes serious. I know I'm being so convoluted about this but I DONT want to come on too strong and scare him away. He does have trust issues and I dont mind working around those but to get closer and for us to get serious I somehow have to get more in his vicinity. Wat do?

[dancingdoc2]

Well, this makes a strong case for "infatuation".

Text messaging can put thoughts into black and white with some reading between the lines possibly required.

Writing letters back and forth give each other a sense of what one is like.

A telephone call places emotion into a conversation

A video call places two people in front of each other making it possible not to have to read between the lines, and, making it possible to read a person's face and body language.

When two people date the object is to learn about each other in a much deeper way than is possible as just casual friends. Dating is also about learning about a person's likes, dislikes, quirks, goals, morals, values, etc. Dating is also about learning how a person treats others in public. So, while "compatibility" is part of the process, there is much much more to the process.

Corresponding with a stranger many miles away is akin to what people used to do before computers--being a "pen pal" via letters. Computers make the discussions more personal and intimate, yet no more viable. If you cannot meet with and do things in person with the man/woman on the other end, you do not have a connection that can be tested. One test is whether or not the person on the other end is being truthful and genuine--or, just telling you a bunch of half-truths and lies knowing that meeting you is not likely, and even if you eventually do meet in person, s/he will be able to somehow turn things around.

> When you aren't serious, how do you talk stuff like "hi honey im going to pack up and leave everything and move across the country to be with you, though we barely know each other". I have approached the idea with him, very carefully, saying I have a friend a few states from him that I want to visit and does he want to meet up when I do, and he said sure.

Picking up and moving lock, stock, and, barrel, to live nearby in this economy? That is really chancy, considering the likelihood of finding a job anywhere--even to replace one that you have now.

Personally, I think trying to create a relationship with someone more than sixty miles away is to be desperate. I have a longtime friend who is doing this now and it is both sad and worrisome. I recommend placing your time, effort, and, energy into finding someone nearby. Enlist the help of family, friends, and, coworkers, by letting them know you are interesting in dating and to help you find someone. It's called "networking". Similarly, join groups and organizations that interest you and in which single men might be participants. Get out and get seen, especially if you have no family or social ties with others. You need friends, first and foremost, and then thru them or from among them, someone to date.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[pai]

We do cam every time we talk online, cam and voice. He sends me pics from his cell almost every day. He hasen't been hiding anything as far as I can tell, we have talked about literally everything, down to his mental issues and my trust issues. I think theres potential for it to work, I just dont know how, when Im so far away

Packing up and moving isnt as big a deal for me right now as you are thinking. I dont have a job and havent had one in 9 months. I dont have any friends or family. Iv been couchsurfing for 5 months. Leaving here is literally no great loss, as I dont really have a here to begin with

Iv also been looking for a partner for almost 10 years, with little to no luck. This is the first connection of this depth that Iv ever made with anyone, internet or irl, in 10 years. I dont want to throw it away just because of a silly thing like distance, when its so easy to fix that. I just dont know how to get to the next step, if he even wants to. Its hard to pin him down lately (past week) because hes started a new job along with schooling and so is online maybe 20 minutes a day. I dunno. I just dont know where to go from here

[dancingdoc2]

Thank you for the additional information.

My normal recommendation in a couple of other similar cases has been to recommend that the man move, not the woman; however, because he is in school and working a new job, this does not make good sense. That you have no ties to the community and can move does; however, before you do, and unless you really have a good reason to move near him, I would recommend just biding your time. Do not be in a rush to snare him or be in a relationship. If it is to be, it will be. In the meantime, continue the friendship via video conferencing and let it develop and mature over the next several months.

If he can only devote a few minutes to the Internet and talking with you, then you moving closer or next door is not likely to give him more time to spend with you. Right now it seems like he has a full plate and until he can prioritize or adjust his schedule or to do list, I'd simply be there to support him and keep him motivated.

If you wish to meet him, I recommend that you go to him so you can see where he lives, including his house/apartment. Be certain to take all precautions when you do. Schedule the visit when there is a school vacation and the weather is good. If/when you do meet in person, please hold your emotions in check and really take stalk of him. Don't fall head over heals in lust or love. Let your relationship develop slowly over time if it is to have any chance.

[pai]

Thanks. A visit does seem to make more sense huh > > lol

[EvilEvilKitten]

Visit your friend and meet him in person during this visit BEFORE you do anything else.

WHY?

Because until you meet face-to-face you have incomplete information. Electronic communication is all very well, but until you can literally smell each other you have absolutely NO idea you two are at all compatible.

I have known of people who had great interactions over the Internet, telephone and cam but when they meet in person it is an instant OMG NO! on BOTH their parts. End of that relationship. This has happened so many times to so many people that I don't even bother to waste time communicating but set up a meeting FIRST. IF we are compatible, THEN we can talk.

Work out with him when would be best and then meet.

[pai]

Mhmmm
I plan to visit next year probably. Thanks for the advice everyone

[lnt1103]

Respectfully, DD2, 60+ miles doesn't always equal desperation. T and I lived 175 miles apart when we met online. We started talking May 2007, met face-to-face October of that year, I moved to his locale Thanksgiving weekend 2008 and we're getting married this coming March. Neither of us were desperate. We simply neither one care for clubs, had crazy schedules, and were not compatible with the local people with whom we had explored options.

The thing I will wholeheartedly support, pai, is that nothing is for sure until it's face-to-face. And, as T told me and would tell you, nothing is for sure until you live close enough to experience each other day in and day out, for an extended length of time. We lived in the same household over a year before he proposed. "The same household" isn't mandatory, it was a fiscal decision on our parts, but living in the same locale for a substantial period of time IS mandatory to figure out if you truly are compatible. He's in the golf business, runs a club house all spring, summer and part of the fall. We had to know if I could be a 'golf widow,' how we'd reconcile our differing political ideologies, how we'd interact when together for more than a weekend-long date, how we'd coexist when one of us is temperamental and tired of being around people, etc...before we knew for sure.