jealous of my girlfriend?

[bear99]

Not sure whether or not this should be placed in this forum or "Dating and New Relationships," but we've been together for about 6 months now. I know some may consider the relationship still new, just bear with me.

Lindsay and I met last year about this time. We didn't get serious until about late February/ early March of '10. We were both seniors in college.

We both graduated, did some talking and decided to try and live at least near one another. She wanted to move in with me, but I respectfully declined and told her I wasn't ready for that. She understood.

We spent the summer job searching, primarily around the Northeast. Boston, Portland, NYC, etc, etc. We each had our share of interviews and rejections. She wants to get into bio-research. I was headed towards journalism and publishing. Just recently, she landed a great job in Boston...salary, benefits, bonuses, the whole deal.

I don't know what did it to me, but I flipped. I'm happy for her, don't get me wrong, but I just have this humungous rock of jealousy sitting in my stomach. It also doesn't help that bio-research careers tend to have a little more $$$ than publishing does. As of now it looks like I'm going to have to take on an unpaid internship or two just to break into the business whereas she'll be making a good hunk of cash. I'm pissed because I'm not going to be able to do the things she does, much less even take her out to dinner.

I'm feeling lost, anxious, somewhat forgotten and a little worthless. She tells me shes not going to break up with me, but the job hasn't started yet. Who knows how she's going to feel once she gets into a routine and into the city lifestyle. Who wants to date a guy still living with his parents?

I'm trying to be supportive but my support is shallow. I know it and I'm pretty sure she knows it too. Part of me wants to cut my losses now so I don't have to feel like this anymore. I'm very depressed.

I know I'll probably get flamed for this, but I can't help what I feel. If anyone can offer any advice or tips (if you've been in a similar situation or have felt something similar) it would be more than appreciated.

Thank again.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by bear99

we've been together for about 6 months now. I know some may consider the relationship still new, just bear with me.

Lindsay and I met last year about this time. We didn't get serious until about late February/ early March of '10. We were both seniors in college.

We both graduated, did some talking and decided to try and live at least near one another. She wanted to move in with me, but I respectfully declined and told her I wasn't ready for that. She understood.

This was a good decision. Both of you need time to discover yourselves and learn what it is to be by yourselves and to set up separate housekeeping, for real, before hoping it will just work out. Here is an article for the two of you to read and discuss:

I think we are ready to live together!!

We spent the summer job searching, primarily around the Northeast. Boston, Portland, NYC, etc, etc. We each had our share of interviews and rejections. She wants to get into bio-research. I was headed towards journalism and publishing. Just recently, she landed a great job in Boston...salary, benefits, bonuses, the whole deal.

I don't know what did it to me, but I flipped. I'm happy for her, don't get me wrong, but I just have this humungous rock of jealousy sitting in my stomach. It also doesn't help that bio-research careers tend to have a little more $$$ than publishing does.

Check and double check: Are you feeling jealous or envy?

Gone are the days when it was customary for the man to be the main bread-winner, and/or earn more than his spouse. Gone are the days when it was very unusual for a wife to be older than her husband even if only by a few months. Gone are the days of the stay-at-home mom; now we have stay-at-home dads. Nowadays, more often than not, two incomes are required in order to make ends meet and to put money in the bank.

Your worth as a man should not be measured by how much money you make. If you guide the relationship well and meet each others needs, then these qualities are more important.

As of now it looks like I'm going to have to take on an unpaid internship or two just to break into the business whereas she'll be making a good hunk of cash. I'm pissed because I'm not going to be able to do the things she does, much less even take her out to dinner.

How long is the internship likely to last? Do you have or plan to have a second job that will (help) pay the bills? How does she feel about this temporary condition? I believe the two of you should have a discussion and work out a plan that you can both embrace and be happy about for the time being. What can you continue to contribute to the relationship other than things monetarily derived? If she understands the job process in your chosen career, and sees that you are moving forward and making progress as an intern then she should not be unhappy.

Look for activities to do together that do not require money--or much money. If she does not mind paying for dates, now, then you have the rest of your life together (assuming the relationship is a keeper) to pay her back, or reimburse her.

I'm feeling lost, anxious, somewhat forgotten and a little worthless. She tells me shes not going to break up with me, but the job hasn't started yet. Who knows how she's going to feel once she gets into a routine and into the city lifestyle. Who wants to date a guy still living with his parents?

Do not be so down on yourself. It is this attitude more than your present circumstances that will turn her off. If you do not have a job your job should be about getting a job, pounding the pavement for eight hours a day, not sending resumes electronically only to add to a pile of others on some personnel worker's desk. If you accept an internship, let her see that you are making progress and this along with the long term goal and objective should satisfy her.

I'm trying to be supportive but my support is shallow. I know it and I'm pretty sure she knows it too.

Stop feeling sorry and man up and be her biggest booster. One key function to having a successful relationship is to wake up every morning and ask yourself, "Self, what can I do today to make her life better"--then doing it. A relationship is not about what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other in partnership. If you are living close to one another, then go over to her place and do her laundry, cook some meals during the week to include freezing left overs for those days you/she do not cook. Clean her apartment once a week. Do things for her that do not require money yet keep you engaged and connected to each other emotionally. Life is not all about the money. It is about your value to each other.

Part of me wants to cut my losses now so I don't have to feel like this anymore. I'm very depressed.

OH, woe is me. I've just given you some much needed tools to make your somewhat one-sided relationship become balanced. Communication is important in a relationship, so talk to each other, make these suggestions, and make up a strategy for the near term that works for the two of you.

I know I'll probably get flamed for this, but I can't help what I feel.

Not by me, and if anybody does do this, then they are not in tune with the reason why this venue exists, that being to provide help, insight, and suggestions. So far you have not known what to do or how to go about balancing the relationship. Now you have methods and tools, so, "plan your work and work your plan" and let her see you making positive steps toward your goal.

If anyone can offer any advice or tips (if you've been in a similar situation or have felt something similar) it would be more than appreciated.

Thank again.

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I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[GreyShadow]

there is always going to boston with her...move in together and try a fresh hunting ground if your local market has turned into a dud. If she's willing to discuss it with you, why not? as for the jealousy, have you tried a heart to heart talk? Don't let let get into a shout match or anger fest...just be open.

lord knows, I've made several start overs. turned out for me atleast to have been the best thing in the world...a fresh start.

anyway, just my thoughts...I'm no councilor or psycologist, just a guy that's can relate through common experience.

[dancingdoc2]

I agree that the two of them need a plan and to have a plan, they must talk.

The o/p is already feeling uneasy and this is one of the reasons I do not believe moving in together is wise at this time. First, unless the relationship is working, not being able to contribute financially is going to probably add to his doubt and lack of self esteem, not to mention jealousy or envy. Taking care of the home is a major contribution, although, I do not know if it will be sufficient at this early stage of their lives. It depends upon what their plans and objectives are.

IMHO and in the opinion of many experts both people need to live on their own for awhile and get a sense of the world and their place in it before sharing a household at such a young age.

[GreyShadow]

hmmm, if he is uneasy I bet donuts to dollars she senses something is wrong.
Maybe moving in would be a bad idea...

Still think a change of markets could be worth it...

[funinthesun]

The bottom line is simply get over it. Your insecurities will eat away at things and only worsen with time. Combined with the large possibility of a long distance relationship, you moping in the short times you have together just make what you worry about happen faster.

Low pay internships and even low pay entry and mid level jobs are normal. If you're going to be comparing your finances to hers, it is almost guaranteed that it will ALWAYS be significantly less than hers. Are you going to only date other journalists and communication majors younger than you? I'm assuming you choose journalism because you had a passion for it. Do it to the best of your ability, accept the bad with the good, and share what you're excited about and are learning with her.

People with money are never in short supply - those with a passion for life and happiness are. Do you think people care about income when they're dancing the night away unable to take their eyes off their partner then find themselves unable to even speak clearly later that night?

As long as you're doing everything needed to reach your goals, those goals also include being financially sound, and you make it a point to always enjoy your time together, then how you spend your time together will be how you measure up.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I understand your desire to "provide". I understand that men in our culture often judge each other and are judged by some women by how much they earn and what it is they do.

BUT your ego is not her problem AND her desire for you is not ENTIRELY dependent upon your bank balance - money is nice but it isn't everything.

Things to consider:

1. You two are operating in different fields that are CULTURALLY worlds apart so there is no real basis for competition - so STOP competiting. Competiting with a girlfriend is NOT going to lead to a happy, healthy relationship.

2. Your VALUE to her may be precisly in the fact that you AREN'T another Type-A, BMW-driving, uber-whatever. She has to deal with them all day long and dammit she needs a break with a man who can offer her something else.

3. YOU need to fix your own ego, hun. Do not ask her if she's going to break up with you or anything like it - ever again. Instead of worrying about taking her out to dinner etc. - think of FUN and FREE things you two can share - kite-flying in the park for example. Keep it simple, fun, different and things you two can do together that do not require any great skill or is in any way at all competitive. INGENUITY rather than insecurity.

How a man deals with life's challenge is one of a woman's selction criteria for a life-long mate.