Why did I do it!?

[Gingerbread Ginny]

Hi, it's been about a month since I talked last on here. And for the most part everything's really been improving....well had been improving (we were having sex like twice a week, and I think 'Geoff' was kind of starting to enjoy it a lot). Then I did something horrible and stupid.

We went out with my friends (some guys some gals). We went to this club and everything was going really fine. The relationship I have with my guy friends have in the past been really flirty, but since Geoff and I have been more intimate I've pulled back from the flirtatiousness. Well, usually...which is kind of how this gets me into trouble. I have this one guy friend (let's call him Jim) who is exceptionally attractive...and for a very long while had had a crush on him, but once I met Geoff I completely stopped crushing on him (plus he had a gf at the time and I wouldn't try to do something to sabotage that).

Anyways, I was drinking and Geoff was my designated driver (largely because he doesn't drink even when he can and because he said I should enjoy my time with my friends). About halfway into the night Geoff said he had to go to the bathroom. Well this song came on that I liked alot and Jim asked if I wanted to dance. And I said ok. Geoff had said it was ok if I danced with some one else because he doesn't enjoy dancing in public. So Jim and I are dancing. And I've had a number of drinks, and Jim's had a number of drinks and he's saying how he really missed a chance with me and how his ex wasn't nearly as great as I am and I'm sort of agreeing and the music's slowing down and we're dancing slower and then he's kissing me and...I was kind of caught off guard and kissed him back a little...and we turn with the music and I see Geoff at our table watching....

And you know that sudden thunderbolt of sobriety you get when you're drunk enough to not care but not enough to know that what you're doing is wrong...but then get caught....well that hit me pretty hard and pushed Jim away and got back to the table as fast as I could....and Geoff sort of didn't say anything. And I tried to explain...and Geoff never said anything. He didn't even cross his arms over his chest...he just kind of sat there listening, not looking at me really. He wasn't angry. He just seemed supremely sad.

I've tried everything to apologize to him. I've explained to him that I was drunk and that it wouldn't happen again. I've gotten him gifts (which he won't accept), I've tried to do things for him (which he won't let me do). And when I apologize to him he says 'that it's fine, I understand...I'm fine...'.

It's not fine. He will not let me touch him. I've kissed him twice since this happened week ago, and he just kind of pulled away nodded and smiled before going home. The part that guts me is that he doesn't act angry about it. He hasn't raised his voice, he hasn't argued with me about my explanation or implied that I've been malicious in any way. It's gotten to the point where if I try to apologize he cuts me short and says that it's happened and no one can change that. He talks to me, we joke, we have fun but I try to kiss him and he just goes quiet and acts really defensive. I feel insanely bad about this. I mean I feel absolutely totally guilty about it. I called Jim and said that I can't be near him anymore as a friend, not until I get things with Geoff figured out and even then...I really don't think I can be with Jim as a friend and not feel very guilty.

I just don't know how to fix it. I feel like the last month of getting past his defenses haven't happened...or rather have gotten worse. I just wish he'd get angry at me, yell at me or something, but he doesn't. I can't believe I did something so damned stupid. I'm so mad at myself. I know a lot of you will say to just let the relationship go...because you don't like Geoff...or don't think he's good enough. I do, that's the end of the story on that topic, so I don't want to hear about your thoughts on him needing testosterone injections or how he needs to man up. I just want to know how I can fix it.

[Gingerbread Ginny]

Originally Posted by Gingerbread Ginny

Hi, it's been about a month since I talked last on here. And for the most part everything's really been improving....well had been improving (we were having sex like twice a week, and I think 'Geoff' was kind of starting to enjoy it a lot). Then I did something horrible and stupid.

We went out with my friends (some guys some gals). We went to this club and everything was going really fine. The relationship I have with my guy friends have in the past been really flirty, but since Geoff and I have been more intimate I've pulled back from the flirtatiousness. Well, usually...which is kind of how this gets me into trouble. I have this one guy friend (let's call him Jim) who is exceptionally attractive...and for a very long while had had a crush on him, but once I met Geoff I completely stopped crushing on him (plus he had a gf at the time and I wouldn't try to do something to sabotage that).

Anyways, I was drinking and Geoff was my designated driver (largely because he doesn't drink even when he can and because he said I should enjoy my time with my friends). About halfway into the night Geoff said he had to go to the bathroom. Well this song came on that I liked alot and Jim asked if I wanted to dance. And I said ok. Geoff had said it was ok if I danced with some one else because he doesn't enjoy dancing in public. So Jim and I are dancing. And I've had a number of drinks, and Jim's had a number of drinks and he's saying how he really missed a chance with me and how his ex wasn't nearly as great as I am and I'm sort of agreeing and the music's slowing down and we're dancing slower and then he's kissing me and...I was kind of caught off guard and kissed him back a little...and we turn with the music and I see Geoff at our table watching....

And you know that sudden thunderbolt of sobriety you get when you're drunk enough to not care but not enough to know that what you're doing is wrong...but then get caught....well that hit me pretty hard and pushed Jim away and got back to the table as fast as I could....and Geoff sort of didn't say anything. And I tried to explain...and Geoff never said anything. He didn't even cross his arms over his chest...he just kind of sat there listening, not looking at me really. He wasn't angry. He just seemed supremely sad.

I've tried everything to apologize to him. I've explained to him that I was drunk and that it wouldn't happen again. I've gotten him gifts (which he won't accept), I've tried to do things for him (which he won't let me do). And when I apologize to him he says 'that it's fine, I understand...I'm fine...'.

It's not fine. He will not let me touch him. I've kissed him twice since this happened a week ago, and he just kind of pulled away nodded and smiled before going home. The part that guts me is that he doesn't act angry about it. He hasn't raised his voice, he hasn't argued with me about my explanation or implied that I've been malicious in any way. It's gotten to the point where if I try to apologize he cuts me short and says that it's happened and no one can change that. He talks to me, we joke, we have fun but I try to kiss him and he just goes quiet and acts really defensive. I feel insanely bad about this. I mean I feel absolutely totally guilty about it. I called Jim and said that I can't be near him anymore as a friend, not until I get things with Geoff figured out and even then...I really don't think I can be with Jim as a friend and not feel very guilty.

I just don't know how to fix it. I feel like the last month of getting past his defenses haven't happened...or rather have gotten worse. I just wish he'd get angry at me, yell at me or something, but he doesn't. I can't believe I did something so damned stupid. I'm so mad at myself. I know a lot of you will say to just let the relationship go...because you don't like Geoff...or don't think he's good enough. I do, that's the end of the story on that topic, so I don't want to hear about your thoughts on him needing testosterone injections or how he needs to man up. I just want to know how I can fix it.

And before anyone says...I know, a week isn't a very long time for him to totally forgive me...but I still don't know how to fix it, so he can forgive me.

[funinthesun]

Someone who is very frustrated with a lack of emotional fulfillment ends up kissing someone back who actually shows them some emotion - hardly surprising. Again, you're trying to justify something on the quality of a person and not the qualities of how the two of you meet each others needs.

"I feel like the last month of getting past his defenses haven't happened...or rather have gotten worse

I'd wager that will continue.

[Grim]

I think I can understand Geoff.
I don't think it was the kiss itself but seeing how easily this happened.
You said it won't happen again, but what makes you think that you can keep that promise?
Maybe you should find the answer to that and tell him.
If I was in his situation I would look for reassurance.

Hope things work out for you two.

[Feynman]

Tell him that you are going to stop apologizing because you have said it all. Let him know that you really care about him and if you love him tell him. then give him a lingering kiss and walk away. If he forgives you he will come to you. If the trust is completely gone then there is not much you can do.

I'm saying this because I am a guy like him and have been in a situation and this is what would work on me. All the apologizing just sound disingenuous and don't help to regain trust.

[spaced]

"Anyways, I was drinking and..."

Ah, there's the problem! People do stupid shit when they're drunk. Being a teetotaler he probably doesn't realize this... Good luck.

[Gingerbread Ginny]

Originally Posted by funinthesun

Someone who is very frustrated with a lack of emotional fulfillment ends up kissing someone back who actually shows them some emotion - hardly surprising. Again, you're trying to justify something on the quality of a person and not the qualities of how the two of you meet each others needs.

"I feel like the last month of getting past his defenses haven't happened...or rather have gotten worse

I'd wager that will continue.

He shows me emotion all the time. It is people like you who put him in this robot-box that kind of piss me off. He was being exceptionally open with me (both emotionally and increasingly physically) until this happened, and I have had no real complaints about him for the last month or so...

[nuttychick]

Originally Posted by Feynman

Tell him that you are going to stop apologizing because you have said it all. Let him know that you really care about him and if you love him tell him. then give him a lingering kiss and walk away. If he forgives you he will come to you. If the trust is completely gone then there is not much you can do.
.

Good advice .. I would choose this line with Geoff..
Just say what you have to then leave it up to him.. Don't keep bringing it up or mention it again.. that will just keep him thinking about it.
See how that goes for a while

[sensualGoddess]

Interestingly enough? Ginny, give the man some time to come around. Now eventually, you two will probably need to talk this out fully, but give a man some space....sometimes that's all a man really needs in order to come back to normal...

He knows you feel guilty...so sans gifts and all, sometimes it's best to scale back to the basic foundation of a relationship which is to slowly reestablish trust...all this can be done by just letting things be.

This will work itself out soon enough.

FYI: As a human, or as any type of a living organism for that matter, here's what I learned. The definition of "fixing stuff" is a bunch of hooey laced crap.

To truly fix anything, you let time come to pass. Now obviously, what happened here in this situation was a wound of some sort (visualize with me dear...)

A fresh cut opened wound. Now, you can clean it up with alcohol, soap and water, bandages, kisses...etc. Now these things cover up what most bodies are capable of doing, which is self repair. Granted, it may take some time and granted there MIGHT be a scar from the wound, BUT, all wounds heal with time.

If you push it any further, the wound will get worse.

Besides girl, you are lucky. Your man does not lose his temper. Count your blessings many times on this...

as for why you did it....you're a human being. I mean unless you two came up with what constitutes as cheating, then you had a bit of fun, this is nothing to beat yourself over either

[EvilEvilKitten]

Let's see what actually happened.

You kissed this guy named Jim. Once.
Geoff gets in a tizzy.
You crawl over broken glass apologizing.
Geoff has not 'forgiven' you.

Is that about it?

STOP APOLOGIZING.

What your little darling Geoff is doing is the masculine equivalent of the silent treatment and withholding sex - using sex as a weapon - to punish you. It is childish and destructive and he should damn well be ashamed of himself. What you do now is stop trying to kiss him. Tell him when he's ready to discuss this, you''ll be there. Thenn just carry on as normal EXCEPT no initiating sex of any kind. Nope. Either he comes to you with fire in his eyes or you don't want him. This will take time but the results will be worth the wait.

You can stop being a doormat as well. That will prevent this sort of thing from happening again. Not the kissing Jim but this nonsense with Geoff. You're only human dammit and you're not married so: a kiss, BFD.