How to Tell What's a Date vs. Hanging Out & How to Successfully Turn Someone Down...

[browneyedgirl]

OK, this might sound really silly. But I just got out of a long relationship, and have just found myself a newly single, attractive 20 year old girl, and I need a serious etiquette lesson when it comes to dating. First of all -- how do you tell when a guy is asking you on a date vs. just wants to hang out as friends? Or does the latter never happen? If a guy wants to hang out with a single girl (and they're not total strangers -- for example, someone you sorta know and have talked to on and off) is that a sign that he is interested in me or could it just be friendly?

And that brings me to my second question -- how do you turn down a guy without being awkward or hurting his feelings? Do you make up an excuse ("I'm actually going to be reaallly busy these next few weeks...") or do you say something more straightforward ("I just got out of a relationship and I'm not really looking to date anyone right now." or "I just don't think we have a lot in common.")

I am afraid of a. accidentally accepting dates if I'm not sure what the difference between a date and hanging out is... and b. accidentally assuming that someone is asking me out when they're really just being friendly and then coming off as a total douche and c. not being able to successfully turn people down in a way that is both effective and kind. So... any tips? THANK YOU!

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by browneyedgirl

OK, this might sound really silly. But I just got out of a long relationship, and have just found myself a newly single, attractive 20 year old girl, and I need a serious etiquette lesson when it comes to dating.

This is not silly at all. The site exists in part to impart knowledge.
Just to clarify, unless you have stated "I Do", and have a license, you are a "single" person--but I know what you mean.

First of all -- how do you tell when a guy is asking you on a date vs. just wants to hang out as friends?

A "date" is a social engagement. Put another way, a person asks someone out on a date for the express purpose of going someplace and doing something(s) specific together.

Two people can have something as simple as a dinner date.
Two people can have a date to go to the movies with a stop for ice cream afterward.
Two people can have a date to go swimming, skiing, to a museum, amusement park, a hike, etc., with a meal as something secondary.

A date is a platform for two people to have fun and enjoy the pleasure of each other's company.
A date is also a way to learn how the other person acts in public.

Or does the latter never happen? If a guy wants to hang out with a single girl (and they're not total strangers -- for example, someone you sorta know and have talked to on and off) is that a sign that he is interested in me or could it just be friendly?

Yes and/or yes. Hanging out is just that, sharing time and space together with nothing specific in mind other than talking.

And that brings me to my second question -- how do you turn down a guy without being awkward or hurting his feelings? Do you make up an excuse ("I'm actually going to be reaallly busy these next few weeks...") or do you say something more straightforward ("I just got out of a relationship and I'm not really looking to date anyone right now." or "I just don't think we have a lot in common.")

Except for an occasional "white lie" as appropriate, honesty is the best policy. Do not tell the person any more than he has a right to know; however, if you are not ready to date someone, because you just ended a relationship, I would tell him that.

Also, as a Ballroom dancer, and one who asks several women to dance each evening, it is important for women to know and understand the power of "NO". For example, if you would be interested in possibly going on a date with this individual some time in the future then instead of telling him flat out "no", which he will interpret to mean no not ever, continue the information by suggesting that he can ask you in a month or two or whatever time frame works for you.

I am afraid of a. accidentally accepting dates if I'm not sure what the difference between a date and hanging out is... and b. accidentally assuming that someone is asking me out when they're really just being friendly and then coming off as a total douche and c. not being able to successfully turn people down in a way that is both effective and kind. So... any tips? THANK YOU!

In addition to the definition given, above, a person can often get an idea of a guy's intent by reading his body language and the intensity of his attention toward you. Being friendly will not have the same dynamics and intensity of purpose as will someone interested in YOU, and wanting to do things with you and knowing more about you, as well as just enjoying the pleasure of your company and doing activities with you.

> b. accidentally assuming that someone is asking me out when they're really just being friendly

You have the right and the obligation to ask: "and do what with you" if the question is not clear. If he does want to date you and take you somewhere to do something yet you have no interest in the activity, then tell him so and offer an alternative. If he is truly interested in you, he will likely accept the your suggestion. If you are interested but otherwise committed to something else on that day, tell him and offer an alternative. If the day is OK, although, the time is not, offer an alternative such as: "I will be busy until 7:00, can be meet at 8:00 instead? (Substitute times and dates as appropriate.)

Please read the articles listed in the Index that discuss dating.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

-doc

[EvilEvilKitten]

A date is to a specific event at a specific date and time and place.
Hanging out is just "wanna go get a couple of drinks?".

No = no not ever even if you were the last man on earth

Maybe = you're kind of cute but I'm not certain (give him your number)

Yes = YES!! (Make sure he has your name, number and email)

Now, you do not have to worry so much about wounding him. Rejection is unpleasant but it isn't deadly - he'll live and its not like he hasn't heard it before.

Trying to be polite and let him down easy CONFUSES men. They regard that as 'mixed messages' so actually it is KINDER to just say "No, thank you." I do recommend "No, thank you." as opposed to just a plain "No." You save just a plain "No." for those men who do not accept a "No, thank you." the first time.

Always regard a friend wanting to hang out as just being friendly.

[dancingdoc2]

I agree with the information, above, EEK, but...

my experience in the world of Ballroom dancing is that when a man asks a woman to dance and she replies with a "no" or "no thank you" without clarification, the man will take that to mean no not now not ever. Very often a woman may need to rest for a dance, get some refreshments, go down the hall, talk to someone, and would then like to dance shortly there after.

If she would like to dance with the man, just not now, she should so state by telling him that she would like to dance the next dance or the next Salsa or whatever. This lets him know he is not being rejected, just postponed and that he should ask, again.

This happened to me two weeks ago. We went to a new dance venue and I saw a woman with whom I used to dance with fairly frequently a few years ago. I asked her for a dance one evening about three years ago and she flatly emphatically said "NO". Well, I summoned the courage to go over and chat with her and told her about the incident and wanted to know if I had done or said something to upset her because her response was so curt. Come to find out, she did not recall the situation but said she would like to continue dancing and must have just been tired at the time.

This is precisely why guys need more dots and to have them connected very visibly. I agree, no means no; although, if she really means not now, she needs to so state.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Isn't that what I said, doc?

No = no,
maybe = later, next dance, next Friday...
Yes = yes

I thought that was what I had said.