Trying to understand.

[Juliana A.]

Hello, my bf and myself posted a thread through his account on here trying to figure out some issues that we have recently solved with the help of some very knowledgable people. There was some stuff that I never said on there because I did not want him to worry about anything, and so I made this account to see what you all have to say and hopefully help me out a little.

We have been together a little over 4 months now and I moved in with him about two months ago. He had told me that he had gotten back from BCT/OSUT in March. A couple days ago we were cleaning the house and he went to go pay some bills and buy groceries. When I had started to clean our office I noticed that his filing cabinet was unlocked and slightly open. I couldn't help myself but to take a look and I found a folder with his contract that shows he had went to his training and came back in March. I also found a second contract that was dated over 18 months ago when he had just turned 17. I didn't know what to think of it so I dug through some more paper work, and found some papers with a deployment to Afghanistan along with an Honorable/Medical Discharge papers. After i had gone through all of this I had found a small box that i had never seen as well, so I opened it and there was a Purple Heart. I know that a Purple Heart is awarded from an injury in combat because my uncle recieved one a few years ago in Iraq. A few other things in the box were two dog tags (neither of them were his), and a unit patch. He never told me about any of this before, he has all these scars on his body and face as well but he just told me they he got those from growing up, work, and some he said he never knew he had. But now I don't know what to think. Why would someone join again after they went through all of that? I don't understand, and why wouldn't he tell me any of this?

Before I had moved in we hardly slept together that often (I mean sleep), but when we did he slept through the entire night, peaceful as can be. About a week after I moved in with him I started to notice that he would talk in his sleep quite a bit. I know this because he has woken me up a few times with it and alot of the time when we are literally just getting up he is in the middle of a conversation I know nothing about, pausing as if listening to a response then continues a little more then he notices and stops immediatly, those are the only times I have ever really seen him in what I think they call a "daze" (confused and trying to figure out what is going on in a hurry at the same time) and it only lasts about 2-4 seconds.

Another thing that I have noticed is that he dosen't sleep through the night very often as well. I know this because I usually lay my head on his arm or his shoulder, so when this does happen it wakes me up. On a good night when this happens he will just wake up, panting slightly with little to no sweat. The bad nights can be much worse... and I will sometimes wake up right before he does on those nights because he is almost screaming and sounds if he is in pain. Sometimes I am able to wake him up other times he either will not wake up or he wakes up before I do. But when he does wake up he will pop staright into a position where he is sitting right up with his head stright to his legs, he is sweating severly, trying to catch his breath, and everytime it gets this bad I will see his hand clenching his right side.

Usually he is the happiest and most content person I have ever met, but when all of this happens I don't think he can help but to show those few seconds of pain/sadness ( I am not sure exactly what it is, usually I am very good at reading him but when this comes up it is just so fast and this whole mix of emotions). This is the only time, within those few seconds that I don't see a smile on him. And every time he notices that I am awake he immediatly throws the biggest smile on and tells me to get some sleep in his gentalist voice, then he gets up and he always goes to get a glass of water and then he will just sit out back. Sometimes when he does come back to bed he can't fall asleep again and he will end up holding me and run his fingers through my hair which just puts me to sleep . Is there anything I can do to help him sleep more through the night?

Another thing that I have noticed but people just keep telling me he enjoys the silence, is that he will just sit or lay down outside from anywhere between an hour to three hours when the day is over. But he really zones out when he is back there. For example a couple times he had a phone call, so I went out there to tell him and he didn't hear me and it took me nearly a minute to get his attention.

A few things that I would like to say about him real fast are that he is a very loving and caring person. He always takes care of me and makes sure that I am as happy as can be. He dosen't try to control anything except his grades and work of course . He loves to play his guitar and I always enjoy to listen, he can make all these things with wood and he is very good at it, our kitchen table he made himself, sanded it down, staind it, everything. I used to think that he was the happiest person in the world because he ALWAYS has this smile on him, little wrinkly look right underneath his eyes . I know he loves to do his part in the community as well, He is going to school to be a Paramedic and be the first person to the scene of an accident so that he can do as much good as he can.

I love him very much and all I want to do is try to find a way to get rid of these nightmares or what ever is causing this now. And if anyone knows why he never talks about that deployment and why he would join up again after they gave him the boot? There is just alot of things I don't understand that I would love to be able to.

Thank you,
Juliana

[Brandye]

I assume that you are in the States and I have no specific information to give from Scotland. The symptoms you describe are classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, including the desire to "Try again" and keep his thoughts to himself. Every nation, and many states/provinces have veteran affairs offices. He really needs to be evaluated and, perhaps, treated.

A major problem with PTSD is delayed onset. Or, rather, accumulated mental distress. This can go on for years, even decades, and then there is a real crisis.

DO NOT start off telling him your discovered his treasures; he is apparently not yet ready to share. Focus on the sleep patterns and spaciness urging him to see what the government can/will do for him.

[Juliana A.]

Originally Posted by Brandye

I assume that you are in the States and I have no specific information to give from Scotland. The symptoms you describe are classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, including the desire to "Try again" and keep his thoughts to himself. Every nation, and many states/provinces have veteran affairs offices. He really needs to be evaluated and, perhaps, treated.

A major problem with PTSD is delayed onset. Or, rather, accumulated mental distress. This can go on for years, even decades, and then there is a real crisis.

DO NOT start off telling him your discovered his treasures; he is apparently not yet ready to share. Focus on the sleep patterns and spaciness urging him to see what the government can/will do for him.

What would cause him to try again though? If he was injured badly enough for them to give him a discharge why go through it all once more?

How can i convince him to get checked for PTSD without him finding out what I had found in his cabinet? What do you mean by a delayed onset and accumulated mental distress?

[Brandye]

PTSD does strange things. He felt he had something to prove in all likelihood.

There are still PTSD (combat induced) cases being found in what you Americans call WWII. This can be bottled up, usually through denial, for a long time. All the while, the bad memories/thoughts accumulate. The memories with PTSD can be so real that they take over his life for seonds or hours - or days. Then a crash occurs.

Do not mention the cabinet. Tell him about your worries over his sleep patterns and the trance you sometimes find him in. Focus on what you know from observation. GET HIM HELP!

Put "PTSD" in google and checkit out. There is a national website in the States (I just checked) run by your Veterans Administration. There are good strategies for families. Good luck.

[Juliana A.]

Thank you for your response Brandye. I have looked at several different sites about PTSD just a few moments ago. A majority of the symptoms that it says he dosen't have or at least show.


Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

•Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
•Recurrent distressing memories of the event
•Repeated dreams of the event
•Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event


"I cannot be sure about all of these, but I am able to give my view on them. When we're together he seems happy, no worries, and never suprised."

2. Avoidance

•Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
•Feelings of detachment
•Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
•Lack of interest in normal activities
•Less expression of moods
•Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
•Sense of having no future

Once again here, it talks about them not caring about anything, feeling detached, lack of intrest, less expressions of moods, staying away from people, and a sense of no future. I know that he cares about tons of stuff, he is always helping me out and our friends, if someone is on the side of the road broken down no matter the time crunch he never fails to pull over and give them a hand. He is going into the EMS frield to help people, so I think that should mean he cares alot. I do not understand the detachment part but I would have to say that he is attached to alot of stuff. He does sports, we run 8 miles together around the lake every morning at five, we go out on dates at least once a week. His mood is 99% of the time a huge smile on his face that always warms people up, especially me. Finally I know that he cares about his future and that of my own. He makes sure I get my classwork/homework finished along with his own. We both have huge goals in the medical field that we plan to accomplish together as well.

3. Arousal

•Difficulty concentrating
•Exaggerated response to things that startle you
•Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
•Irritability or outbursts of anger
•Sleeping difficulties

He dosen't have any diffucilty concentrating, in fact i'd say he does it alot better than myself, if he starts working on something he won't stop until he finishes it as best as he can. He never gets startled as well. Excess awarness I am not sure of as well, I know he will always look around when we go somewhere but Isn't that normal? I have never seen him angry or irritable, once again just about always happy. Only problem is the talking and waking up in and from his sleep.

Once again Brandye thank you very much, if you have any other insight into what I had mentioned about him in each section and if any of it means something more than what I am seeing please let me know, along with anyone else who may come across this.

And I had also found two sets of tags like his, but they are someone elses. Does anyone know why he would have them and what purpose they may serve?

Thank you,
Juliana

[Brandye]

... and just why do you think he seems off in a dream world when you come upon him? the perseveration? the need for aloneness? There are degrees and the sooner dealt with, the better.

Think the tags through. I do not "know" why he would retain them but surely you can see why they may have a totemic or iconic for him.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay - the tags are of his buddy/buddies he saw exploded before hs eyes. Graphic enough for you? He returned in an attempt to self-sacrifice in honor of/joining with his buddy/buddies. I am a military veteran (was in Bosnia) and I have seen his kind before.

He relives the events in his dreams/nightmares. He is NOT 'over it' and sorry but YOU cannot solve this for him. All you can do is 'be there' and that may be enough. But PTSD doesn't just go away on its own or as a consequence of some act of will power, it lies dormant until the central issue is solved.

He really does need to go and get pro med help for this.
It is rather like an exorcism and specialized training, experience and an elevated type of care is required if he is to be made whole again.

Please help him get the care he needs. I'll never forget the sight of a Vietnam vet I knew once cradling one of my rifles in his arms as he sat crying on my living room floor. I learned, many years later after he had married a very nice woman, that he drank himself to death. Sometimes, Juliana, you can't just leave the Hell of war behind.

[Juliana A.]

Thank you EvilEvilKitten, but how can i get him to go with me to get him the help he needs if he wont even talk about it with me?

[Tony Trout]

I agree with both Brandye and EEK. This man needs help and needs it FAST! My uncle was in Vietnam and saw most of his platoon blown up before his eyes. He will not and has not spoken of what happened since that day and we cannot get him to talk about it, either.

Much luck to you.

[Brandye]

If Evil's board on the side of your head did not work, not Tony's gentle nudge, consider mine a brick. I did not go rooting through US PTSD resources for sport. Nor did I recommend you do for you to attempt diagnosis. Read the same stuff you read but without trying to define away the problem, rather, what are the recommended strategies for friends, bosses or family members to approach the victim about getting help.

Find out what resources are available in your area. Contact some and find out what is recommended. It may begin by joining a veteran's organization; it may begin with a clinic. There is nothing that says you have to be with him. You are simply the conduit and, as the person closest to him, the bearer of news that his sleep is disturbed and you have observed unusual behaviour. You will not do the treatment nor even the evaluation. You, with assistance, will facilitate his getting help. Talk to one of the local resources; you will find that you do not have an easy task.