Winning her back.

[shinji]

Ok, I know I will probably receive flak for this, but I am willing to take my chances. My ex told me that while she was visiting family she would think and consider relationship counseling, now I don't have my hopes up, as I am expecting a no. But does anyone else have any ideas I can try to win her back? She said she is stressed out and needed space, thats what she told me yesterday after we had a couple days to process. But I do care for her, so any ideas welcome.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Do not chase her but be open to letting her come to you.
She contacts you, not you her.
She arranges meetings/dates with you, not you with her.

She has to take the intiative and make the effort - first.

[shinji]

I can do that. I haven't talked to her since day before yesterday. She went to visit family and to bring some of them up here. they were supposed to meet me cause they are under the impression we are still together. Though she probably told them by now. she will be busy for the next 2 weeks or so, hopefully that will be enough time for her to miss me and want me back.

[maupassant]

Well, Shinji, I have been in your situation many many years ago with my wife now of some 46 years. She finished with me over a misunderstanding and I spent the most miserable 3 years of my life with no relationships.
All I can say in your case is that I hope it comes right for you. She is very lucky to have somebody who thinks such a lot of her.

[shinji]

Well, its been two weeks no contact. I feel proud that I am able to do so. Moving on is hard, especially since I want her back so bad, but at the same time I am preparing myself for the possibility of her saying no, so it will be less of a blow this time around.

[nuttychick]

Well Done Shinji.. Good luck with whatever happens

[dancingdoc2]

Hi...

EEK has provide sage advice on what to do and not do.

I had a similar experience and have been privy to a couple of other relationships ending. My experience and observations have been that when a woman ends a relationship, it has already ended. There is no going back. That said, there is only forward.

What I have said about this can be found all over this site with regard to dating. I suggest you give yourself a few months to become comfortable with yourself as an unattached individual, then get out there and date lots of women for the reasons I give over and over--the "why" and the "how". Use some of this alone time to reflect back on what might have gone wrong and how to not repeat this in the future. On the other hand, there may very well have been nothing wrong, just that she felt that the two of you were not a match. This happens all the time when dating lots of people in order to find Ms./Mr. Right. It only becomes an emotional problem when a person has invested too much emotionally into the relationship within a closed relationship.

[shinji]

Well heres another update. I saw her today, and we talked.

I was walking to my counselors office, which is on campus, and she comes out of the engineering building, she heads my way and strike up conversation.

She is a mess, just like me. She speaks first, by apologizing to me for being rude last time, and how she could have broken up with me. She said she could have done it better but that she screwed it up horribly by getting my hopes up then dumping me.

As we talk, I ask about her decision, and she said she did think about it like she promised, and right now she just can't. She said she needs to sort out her feelings, and that at the moment she sees me more as a brother then a boyfriend.

I am like WTF? How did I go from boyfriend to brother?

She doesn't know. She said she loved me at one point, she still cares for me and has feelings for me, but right now she just doesn't know what she wants anymore. She is giving up dating and sex for a bit to focus on school and to figure out who she is and what she wants.

I told her I respect her decision, I don't like it, in fact I hate it, but I respect it cause it is her decision and I cannot not force her.

She smiles and thanks me.

I then say that because of this breakup, I have seen mistakes made by us both. I told her I didn't assert myself enough, I had her make all the decisions and such. I told her that I am changing that, that its time for me to man up and make decisions, whether I am with her or single, I need to be my own man.

We even talked and agreed that she ran away. I said that I believe all good things are worth fighting for, and that she was the best thing to ever happen to me and she gave me true happiness. But she still ran away instead of facing her problems. She didn't get mad or angry, instead all she said was that its true.

She and I both agreed to try and give friendship a try, but that it will obviously be some time till we can hang out withe each again.

She then left, and throughout the entire conversation I noticed that she was a mess. She was just as upset about breaking up with me as I was. I have never seen her so sad and angry at herself.

Anyways, after that I went to my therapists office, and without going into to much detail, I am now on 24 hour suicide watch. I was that upset about her not wanting me back. I don't know where to go from here, so I will end this response for now. Feel free to comment people, different views are always helpful.

As you can imagine, I am quite emotional, so I will stop here. I didn't include all the details in this post because it hurts to much. SO if there are any questions feel free to ask, I may post more at a later date.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Shinji!!! What on earth is going on here?

Are you honestly saying that you and your life have no value without the "love" of this one girl??

Are you seriously thinking that the possibility of you loving another is impossible - ever??

You're 19 which is NOT an age when consequences are rationally and fully considered. You have the potential lifespan of 60 years ahead of you. Aren't you just a little intrigued about what joy might be out there awaiting you?

While you've been hung up about this girl, what others and what other chances for happiness have you missed? You have not paid attention to them have you?

Grab onto your courage with both hands and get out there and LIVE!
EXULT if only in the fact that you're still breathing, that you can feel the sun upon your face and know that your heart is far stronger than you presently think it is.

CLimb out of this pit because glory awaits.

[shinji]

A little correction EvilKitten, I am 24, not 19. I turn 25 on October 3rd.


I am feeling better now, thanks for all the support. My suicidal tendencies are gone, I think it was just spur of the moment cause She and I saw each other right before my appointment.

I spent all day talking with my family and friends, and the night talking with Biaxident on his tinychat page. Both have been a great help to me.

I still love her, and believe she could be the one, but if she doesn't want to be with me, then I realize I must move on. I must date other people, focus on my school and my career.

As we talked, my parents made an interesting observation. I noticed that she was upset, she was hitting herself hard and took full blame for everything. She was a complete mess. As I told my parents, they said this.

They said that maybe she is scared. When we were together she said I am the best she ever had. I treated her right, I was a gentleman, kind, compassionate, and so on. In fact, on more the one occasion she said she sees us together long term, and even said I am the kind of man she wouldn't mind marrying. Good signs to be sure, but they theorized that she was so committed, she scared herself.

She made it no secret to me that these feelings were new to her, and she hadn't felt them since her first boyfriend, who was old enough to be father. They believe she became confused because of the nature of these feelings, and thats why she broke it off.

Her words echoed some of this actually, even though she doesn't know my family said that. She said I am wonderful and should never change, and that she loved me at one point, she still cares for me, still has feelings for me, but she is not sure as to the nature of those feelings. When she said I was like brother she herself sounded unsure about it. She even said that she is ashamed of herself, she is ashamed of her sexual past, and that ever since she came to college she has never been alone, she always had a man. When we broke up, she said she is taking a break from dating, no dating, no sex, just school work for her and her career and to sort out what she wants relationship wise, cause right now she doesn't know. She also said she felt like she was taking advantage of me, because I took her out, I helped her move, and she said she felt like she was using me, cause I love her and doing these things out of love, but that I deserve to do these things for someone whose feelings are clear. And that because she was so unsure, she felt like she was using me and I deserve better, her exact words.

They think, even my therapist believes, that she is confused, she doesn't know what she wants and is taking time to think about what she wants. They all believe her and I could have a relationship again in the future, but for now, I need to move on, date other people, and focus on school.

I still feel for her, but at the same time, I feel like I can move on with my life. My heart will always be open for her, but I can't pine and waste my life on the off chance she will say yes again. Only after I go out, experience life, and she is willing to try again, should I consider the possibility. Right now, I know I will say yes to another chance, but I can't live in the past, I must look forward to the future.

I still love her, and I think I always will, but for now, I must live my life, cause you only live once.