4 years, moving on in a blink of an eye

[lovesfool]

heya, ive been looking at the site for 4 years, occasionally posting, never really had major issues, well the relationship ended on sunday last week.
i was quite crushed and hurt and thought maybe she would be too!
but she#s started seeing another bloke already and i think she's ditching me for the festival we were both going too together for my b'day!
my question is how can people get over someone else after such a long period of time together and be so callous and hurtful?
thanks xxx

btw shes 19 im 20 thankyou for all the help!

[CLVR-HNDS_GUY]

they don't get over you and the times i have found that the partner has gone out with someone else too fast to get over that person, its slowly will back fire on he or she who has gone straight into another relationship.
I say it's to replace you but like anything, if we are looking for someone that we dont always find the right person, just someone to comfort us to replace the person who has been with us for so long. I could be wrong but she will find out his real side sooner or later and it will end. Unless she has known this other guy for a while and it was ended by her to be with him.

I know how your feeling with not doing something with her for your birthday, i had that many years ago with an ex girlfriend who i was meant to spend a weekend away down the coast.
The same ex girlfriend, went out with some other guy who in the end just used her and didnt treat her right. That was after the second time we broke up and went different ways.

[lovesfool]

thanks man you've made me feel much better, i knew we were a bit rocky but i never imagined it to go like this!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay - time you were told.

Females send out signals which are perfectly apparent to other females but a male will miss them unless he's paying close attention. He still has a chance here. The next step is more readily apparent signs of dissatisfaction which most experienced males never miss but less experienced males will misinterpret. He has another chance here.This stage is followed by her dropping him like a hot rock leaving him totally devastated. He then spills his guts trying to win her back not knowing that she has made her final decision and he has no chance in Hell so he might as well save his breath and pride. She has moved on.

Buddy - you missed the clues and she's gone. She gave you two chances to solidify the relationship but you blew them.

Yes, it is totally unfair but that's how it is.

More mature women will discuss the issues until you fail to respond or you cross the line where upon the yelling will commence. This is especially true if there are obligations involved. I have just spent an hour listening to my daughter telling her erring husband (yes, he deserved 'return fire') precisely what her position was on this 'particular topic' for a solid hour. She lined up her guns and blew his walls and ramparts to smithereens; trashing all his justifications and rationalizations in the process.

He cannot, if there's any truth in him, say that he remains unfamilar with her viewpoint.

My daughter, not being one to let a weapon lie idle when there's a fight on, then brought up the heavy guns (his family got in on it) to further pound away at any remain defenses. I then slid in my tidbit "there remains his second chance". Ah, yes! In the absence of abuse, everyone gets a second chance. One 'do over'. But only one. We're allowing for human frailty here, you see. Fortunately, he has taken up the second chance option.

The point to all of this is that even the most patient, loving and mild-mannered woman (that would be my daughter) will unleash Hell without compunction if she sees the need for it. Some men just want/need to know how serious a woman is.

You, OP, should count your blessings. You got off lightly.

[CLVR-HNDS_GUY]

What signs are we looking for, what happened to the old talking or being open in a relationship when we aren't happy with someone

[shychick07]

clvr-hnds_guy: You can't go on talking forever. once a relationship has run its course (including being open, talking, seeing a counselor, etc.), it's over...or am I wrong, EEK?

[EvilEvilKitten]

The OP and the lady in question are 19 and 20 years of age and hardly know which end is up let alone have the courage and committment 'being open and honest in a relationship' requires. College, work, housing, no parental safety net, and in her case practically half the population of the planet chasing her rump - and you want calm sensible RATIONAL behavior?

All of the signals can be categorized as "not being there" with/for you. You have a feeling she's 'putting you on hold'.
Shychick is quite right. If the signals are missed, if what's needed is not given/done, if promises are broken - then it is over and done. The problem is one of "distance" and how one reacts to feeling one's lover 'slipping away'. (Billy Joel has a song about this) The best way to deal with this, in a way that does not threaten her, is to use gentle humor.

You gently shake her wrist using two fingers and when she asks what you're doing, tell her "you're testing her for doneness". Alternatives to this would be to place a hand on her forehead, then check her pulse by holding her wrist while looking at your watch - you tell her that she must not be feeling well because you're so splendid and she's not all over you - it is the only possible reason.

Guys when you don't know what to say - make her laugh and be cute while you make her laugh.

Example:

husband 6'4", 230 lbs; two teen kids and wife at kitchen table; he's angrily talking about how things aren't being put away and his house is a mess. Wife getting annoyed because he's going on far too long. Husband grabs the screwdriver sitting on the table and demands to know who left this here? Wife growls "I did" in a tone offering immediate warfare. Husband then bats eyelashes, cocks head to the side and mildly as a lamb says "I'd be happy to put it away for you, my dear." and scampers swiftly out to the safety of his garage, with the sound of cheering and applause from his kids saying GREAT SAVE, DAD. Now wife is shaking her head while grinning because "men are odd creatures" instead of being out for his blood and the marriage is saved.

[CLVR-HNDS_GUY]

I don't believe that at all with you can only talk for so long. Some of the problem is that people give up too easily and find more dislikes on someone then working together to sort it out.

[shychick07]

But that's the whole point of dating: to figure out what you want in a partner. At their ages, they shouldn't be trying to constantly work on relationships. As my parents tried to convince me as a teen, they should be playing the field. Life is too short to worry about a relationship that didn't go as planned at 19 or 20. Just ask DancingDoc2, Brandye, EEK, or any other qualified person. I'm not awake yet...Someone help me get my point across, I know someone knows what I'm trying to say...

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay - heads up! - "working it out" is for marriages not for dating. When you are obligated legally, children, mortgages, IRS and so forth - that's when you "work things out". And if you do this dating correctly, you shouldn't have to 'work things out' anyway.

Dating should be just fun and more fun with as many people as you can talk into it until, as if by gravity alone, you find yourself with just the one person consistently.

Think 'formation of the solar system' speed here and stop rushing the process.

Not only can you date/kiss/responsibly enjoy sex with, more than one person - but you probably should so that when you finally do marry someone you marry with full knowledge of what you're getting into and who this other person really is.