How long do I wait to tell someone I LOVE YOU?

[halfBreed]

How long can u wait to tell a guy how much u love them even if u two is datein for at least 3 mths.would really like to knw ty.

[dancingdoc2]

> how long can u wait to tell a guy how much u love them even if u two is datein for at least 3 mths.would really like to knw

I believe you mean "him", not "them", correct?

"How long can u wait...."? How long will it take for you to make this determination? Each person will have a different set of circumstances, and, with each person s/he regularly dates with the intention of having a deeper relationship. No two couples are the same. No two relationships are the same. With each person you date, and presuming all is going well and in the direction you hope for, how long it takes for you, him, or any other couple to recognize that "I love you", varies.

I believe your question is "how long should I wait....?" There are various stages of attraction, ranging from--

* Attraction, physically and emotionally
* Like
* Trusting a person
* Being in Like with the person
* Lust
* Infatuation
* Passion
* Love
* Being in love with the person
* Commitment

Here are three articles to help bring a better understanding to the process of love:

The Five Stages of Love

Love's tug-of-war

Love is what remains after the "being in" part has matured.

Informing a person that "I love you" is vastly different than informing him/her that "I am in love with you." Love conjures up a strong set of emotions than simply liking a person very very much. You can have one or more acquaintances that you like--or not, yet have little or no social interactions with. Friendships range the gamut from casual to Best Friend. I really really like my best friends {one a woman, one a man) and can share a range of emotions and secrets with both that other people (just friends) will never be privy to. I enjoy interacting and doing things together with each of them to a degree not shared with other more casual friends.

So, when do you tell your boyfriend "I love you"? The most likely answer is when you determine that he is more to you than just a casual friend--and! when you have a "mutual admiration" for each other, and, when there is trust, and, when he enjoys being with you as much as you enjoy being with him, and, when he places you at the top of his list of priorities, and, when you can still live life without him, yet choose not to. Tell him when he puts as much time and effort into the relationship as you and with the same importance. So, this has as much or more to do with him as it does with how you feel.

WORD TO THE WISE: If a boyfriend exhibits behaviors or attitudes that are unacceptable to you, but, you believe "I can fix him"--don't. You cannot. You are not the first to think this way and the results are generally always negative. Do not hang on to a guy and whisper "I love you" into his ear in the hope less desirable characteristics or traits will change in time. Wrong. Do not tell a person "I love you" just to keep him, have a guy in your life, or, not to be alone. Double wrong.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[GreyShadow]

gee doc,
I always thought someone woulde know it when it happens...it just comes out spontaniously and without checklists or parameters or even conscience thought.

And feels as natural saying and meaning it as breathing.

silly me....

[sensualGoddess]

Someone beat me to this question, but is there a certain length of time that can determine whether or not love can emerge from a relationship?

I'm going through something kind of similar, except we've been dating for quite awhile. I told him "I love you" six months into our relationship. Personally, I think people rush into the whole "love" feeling too too often. But my bf told me that he wants to reserve that word for a later time, when he knows this because love to him means something more to him.

I will say this though, men are definitely not oblivious to love, for them i think love is the hardest thing that men can go through... (maybe, I'm not certain of this)

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

WORD TO THE WISE: If a boyfriend exhibits behaviors or attitudes that are unacceptable to you, but, you believe "I can fix him"--don't. You cannot. You are not the first to think this way and the results are generally always negative. Do not hang on to a guy and whisper "I love you" into his ear in the hope less desirable characteristics or traits will change in time. Wrong. Do not tell a person "I love you" just to keep him, have a guy in your life, or, not to be alone. Double wrong.

I'm a tad confused, because shouldn't love mean to love a person through all of their faults? I don't expect my bf to change, maybe over time on his own, but not because I say I love you...but in that respect, doesn't love create change in the dynamics of a relationship?

[dancingdoc2]

> ...is there a certain length of time that can determine whether or not love can emerge from a relationship?

No, not really. The dynamics for each couple is different.

> I'm going through something kind of similar, except we've been dating for quite awhile. I told him "I love you" six months into our relationship.

How long have the two of you been dating? If your boyfriend cannot reciprocate within a few months of hearing this declaration from you--and certainly within the next six months, then why are either of you in the relationship?

> Personally, I think people rush into the whole "love" feeling too too often.

Too too soon, also, IMHO.

> But my bf told me that he wants to reserve that word for a later time, when he knows this because love to him means something more to him.

As noted above, when is the lad going to know? Keep in mind, as discussed in one of the articles, there is a difference in "I love you" and "I am in love with you". He may not understand the differences. On the other hand, he may be stringing you along under the notion of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" scenario. He may be thinking why make any declarations if I don't have to.....

-----

> I'm a tad confused, because shouldn't love mean to love a person through all of their faults? I don't expect my bf to change, maybe over time on his own, but not because I say I love you...but in that respect, doesn't love create change in the dynamics of a relationship?

I apologize for the confusion. What I was bringing to every reader's attention is that very often guys will exhibit behaviors that are socially and personally unacceptable, yet it is not uncommon to learn of a woman who will continue the relationship in the hope that I can change his controlling behavior, aggressiveness, meanness, abusiveness, stinginess, etc.

[sensualGoddess]

it will be about 9 months for us come the 16th, but he's been away for the 2 months during the summer for an internship but we talk. don't get me wrong, eventually i do want him to say the words, but it took me quite awhile...i guess my concern is what happens when the year is up...if he doesn't say the words then, then i'll leave, because i don't think it should take that long for that declaration to be met...even i'll have an idea of whether or not it'll work or not. we're both college students and we've seen each other about once or twice every month...this was a previous arrangement of mine b/c of my fear of becoming too physical too fast.

i've already had it set up in my mind that after a year and he can't declare the words, as in the heartfelt words (though technically he did 4 months in, but he was with his friends when he said this to me in a discussion) then, i'd make the decision to walk away. i do love him, but i don't want to keep him from something good or better...I mean after all, everyone deserves someone who they consider to be their best...

By the way, to halfBreed, I'm sorry that I took a hold of this thread, but i feel that ths is something quite relatable to what's on going in my relationship as well.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Dating for 3 months ?!?! That's all?!?!

Jeez!

I don't listen to a man until I've known him for two years let alone told him something as personal as 'love you'.

[CLVR-HNDS_GUY]

I think to say it when you feel comfortable and everything is going well.
with me i usually wait about 2 months before i say it, I have had females say it before after knowing me for 2 weeks. It all depends on the person i believe

[dancingdoc2]

> i usually wait about 2 months before i say it, I have had females say it before after knowing me for 2 weeks. It all depends on the person i believe


No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

[RedRoses]

I think we've had a similar question a while ago on this thread:To soon?
(about a guy wanting to tell his girl how much he loves her, but does that matter?)

Love is a peculiar thing based on a lot of chemicals flying around. But then; all emotions are in essence... and we don't worry about that all the time do we? In my opinion, people worry to much and speak too little with the voice of their heart. Try to tell the person just how you feel. If 'I love you' seems to fit your affections towards this person, than that's it. Not because you're obligated to wait/to hurry up speaking it out. Cause really: there is no preset timeline! AND remember: Don't say what you don't feel, cause that equals to a lie (bad foundation under your relationship). In the future, you may question the sincerity of the phrase as well... 'Love you honey, bye!' means nothing unless it's felt. Without feeling it means as much as 'I cheese sandwich you' (quote movie: 'love and sex').

The above being a sort of summary of the below:

Originally Posted by RedRoses

Everything the others have mentioned is very true... Love is really easily mixed up with lust. It could take you 6 months up to 1 year to 'loose' those hormons that initially set you on fire(!) This video is quite clear about the stages of a romantic relationship (though it is a bit de-romanticizing, esp when you're in the first stages ) The Life Cycle Of A Relationship (Love & Dating: Committed Relationships)

All this aside; I think it's sweet you want to tell your girl that you love her After all; the meaning of love isn't at all that limited (no dictionary is going to help you with that!). Perhaps there's lust going on... Perhaps you're totally idealizing her right now... So what! Does that make you 'feel' any different? So why not tell someone you love her, when that's the way you feel? People do it all the time; even when they have a crush, they send 'I-love-you'-cards. You don't have to fall down on your knees telling her! Just after a little hug or whatever time seems appropriate. Maybe you don't want to go heavily on the future-part, but still: maybe she's just as dreaming about that as you are... You could make the meaning as light or as heavy as you'd want it to be.

The thing you're pointing out: will she freak out? That's impossible to say since I don't know your girl! I guess you'd better judge this yourself. Personally, though it is impossible to compare one relationship to another, I wouldn't have freaked out if my bf had told me after about 3 months. In fact: I think that's just around the time I hesitatingly told him. He told me things such as 'you're so sweet' or 'I adore you' and I thought he might think 'I love you' was too much... He didn't think that at all! He just feels like 'I love you' sounds so formal. So he still uses those other phrases till this day! It's the meaning of the words that count, not the words itself. In my opinion, people worry to much and speak too little with the voice of their heart... (and yes: I can't say I'm not one of them, but I try )

Ok, so now you have been given some thoughts of the 'romantic-yet-always-hungry-for-analysis' type of girl as well
Hope this post will help you. Good luck!