The bf who is avoiding sex

[Gingerbread Geoff]

I was told by my girlfriend that I should make a thread on this forum, because the people here wanted to hear from me. I was told to link to this thread... (And geoff's not my real name...I just thought it might help to link our names sort of...)

My BF is avoiding Sex


Having read some of the thread I'm not sure where I should begin. I personally don't think its the business of a bunch of strangers...but that's me.

I know that when we did engage in intimacy it was very...difficult for me to be as excited and enthusiastic as she was about it. People kept saying that once it was underway that your hormones take over and you can just sort of play it by instinct...but all I felt was incredibly stupid the whole time there was no instinct to lead the way, just a sort of hazy knowledge that has come from descriptions and work as a librarian. I've never had that kind of desire for anyone, ever. I willed my way through it and it was very satisfying to be with her but I didn't desire her, I did it because she wanted me to do it and I felt that I had to in order to make her happy, and the whole time I felt like this was incredibly unfair for her...I like Ginny a lot, and I want to be with her, but I'm just really scared that I can't...provide the things she desires/deserves and the more she pushes me the more I realize that I'm not good enough and I really hate it.

I mean I find her incredibly attractive, she's beautiful and her body is magnificent. It isn't her...I just don't have that kind of switch. I've never had that kind of switch. Even when I was sixteen I never really had any true sexual desires...I just didn't. I just assumed it was like that for everyone. That sex was a thing that was done because everyone said it needed to be done.

I don't know. I just feel like I'm losing and I don't get the game I'm supposed to be playing.

[Grim]

You never feel the need to have sex? with any girl?
Do you ever get horny?
If not you might be asexual, which is not your fault but neither hers.

I wish you the best of luck.

[wannaplayMr. Postman]

I don't know if it would help, but maybe you should try letting her do stuff to you. It might be uncomfortable at first, but she really seems to like you. If you let her just rub and touch and lead the way, maybe the way you feel will change because there isn't any pressure on you. As you get more comfortable and start to enjoy it, you could join in doing things to her. Just a thought. I don't know if it would work or not. Good luck to you though. She does seem to like you and I don't think you need to worry or be embarrassed about anything with her.

[dancingdoc2]

Hello Geoff,

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the Index found at the top of the main screen. It contains links to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about.

> I personally don't think its the business of a bunch of strangers...but that's me.

Thank you very much for contributing to your girlfriend's questions and concerns. Remember the ol' adage: "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? Well, Ginny is not happy and has written the site looking for help. That you are also here is very positive and very important.

Your concern about a bunch of strangers knowing your business would be relevant if everybody was on a first (real) name basis. What is important is whether we can bring the two of you closer together.

> Ginny: I talked to him last night. It basically comes down to some very unpleasant trust problems and some nasty insecurity. From what I understood his first and I guess only girlfriend who had a relationship anything like this one basically totally betrayed him. She berated him sexually and totally underminded him. He just doesn't feel like I really would enjoy being with him.

If Ginny's interpretation is accurate, I offer you this for your consideration: That was then, this is now. Relationships begin by one or the other party giving a smidgen of trust in order to get the ball rolling. After that, trust is earned by what we as a couple do with and for each other.

Because one girl/woman hurt you does not mean the next person will. Because one one man is a bad apple does not mean all men are suspect and not to be trusted.

> I like Ginny a lot, and I want to be with her, but I'm just really scared that I can't...provide the things she desires/deserves and the more she pushes me the more I realize that I'm not good enough and I really hate it.

I just love ol' sayings like "nothing ventured, nothing gained." I believe you need to step up and do things (whatever they might be) and see how she reacts to them and you. Here is an article for you to read:

HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say:

The article's focus is on establishing new sexual relationships; please read the information from the perspective of beginning a new personal relationship. The information works for both. The same goes for Pt. 2.

> Even when I was sixteen I never really had any true sexual desires...I just didn't. I just assumed it was like that for everyone. That sex was a thing that was done because everyone said it needed to be done.

I do not recall if Ginny has mentioned this or not. Either way, please do discuss this with her.

> I just feel like I'm losing and I don't get the game I'm supposed to be playing.

This may be the time to have a talk with a counselor who specializes in human behavior. Who knows, there might be some repressed feelings or attitudes from your past that are shaping what you think and feel in the present.

In the meantime, when you wake up each morning, please "ask yourself what can I do today to make Ginny's life better"--then set about doing it, even if it is just something small and seemingly insignificant.

Lastly, please hang in there with us, Geoff. There are some pretty savvy people who contribute to this site. Take what is offered and use what fits the circumstances. The worst thing you can do to her now that you are here is to clam up or go away in a snit.

Hope you had a great 4th.

-doc

[Gingerbread Geoff]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Hello Geoff,


If Ginny's interpretation is accurate, I offer you this for your consideration: That was then, this is now. Relationships begin by one or the other party giving a smidgen of trust in order to get the ball rolling. After that, trust is earned by what we as a couple do with and for each other.

Because one girl/woman hurt you does not mean the next person will. Because one one man is a bad apple does not mean all men are suspect and not to be trusted.

I know this but I can't help but feel that she's doing this for me...and I don't want it to be about me. And I'm angry at her...for her way of thinking. She knew how much I cared for her and she knew how afraid I was that she'd leave me and she used that to coerce me into doing things I really didn't want.

Her interpretation isn't completely accurate. I had a very nasty year that year. Largely based around that girl. Basically the whole community turned on me...because of the things she said. And quite frankly I still have problems believing Ginny when she says how much she cares for me, and part of me wishes she'd just stop.

The whole time we had sex I felt just like this was wrong. I didn't really think she liked it and well...according to her...she really didn't. How can I trust her when I know she's going to lie to me...about stuff like that? I really don't like that she thinks she's got to make me feel happy or that she's got to find some way to make me want to have sex with her. I'll do it if it makes her happy...

> I like Ginny a lot, and I want to be with her, but I'm just really scared that I can't...provide the things she desires/deserves and the more she pushes me the more I realize that I'm not good enough and I really hate it.

> Even when I was sixteen I never really had any true sexual desires...I just didn't. I just assumed it was like that for everyone. That sex was a thing that was done because everyone said it needed to be done.

I do not recall if Ginny has mentioned this or not. Either way, please do discuss this with her.

I've tried...she doesn't get it...I just don't feel excited about sex. We can make out all night and I still don't feel...excited about going any further...I'm perfectly content with making out and holding each other...it feels better than sex does.

In the meantime, when you wake up each morning, please "ask yourself what can I do today to make Ginny's life better"--then set about doing it, even if it is just something small and seemingly insignificant.

I do...I send her gifts and try my best to take her on really nice dates. I send her flowers and messages. I've helped her do projects at her home and I've made her meals. I try to understand her side of the story and I try to make it so she doesn't feel bad. And all she bugs me about is sex. As if nothing else matters. At least that's how I feel about it. And it makes me slightly frustrated, and I dislike the fact that what I have given her and the level of commitment I've shown her are so ignored. I never ask for anything from her. Even when she offers I politely decline, because I know she'd try too hard and I don't really want anything flamboyant from her.

[RedRoses]

Dear Gingerbread Geoff,
First of all I want to let you know that I think you've shown so much courage starting this thread! Allthough I am some stranger who just knows little bits and pieces of you through a forum, I hope you wouldn't mind me complimenting you on this

And I'm angry at her...for her way of thinking. She knew how much I cared for her and she knew how afraid I was that she'd leave me and she used that to coerce me into doing things I really didn't want.

That's exactly what I've been afraid of... And it was my feeling about it when Ginny wrote about this date, as you may have read in her thread. (Btw: I hope you do not feel offended by anything I've posted so far? I try to remain respectful and read posts carefully. Still, I could have totally hit the wrong key)

And all she bugs me about is sex. As if nothing else matters. At least that's how I feel about it. And it makes me slightly frustrated, and I dislike the fact that what I have given her and the level of commitment I've shown her are so ignored.

It must be hard for you. I think sex is way more important to Ginny then it is to you. But remember: it is your body. She needs to be patient with you! From the descriptions by Ginny and your own posts you seem to me as a kind and sensitive man and even a bit on the romantic side. Nothing to be ashamed of, but perhaps someone who needs to be dealt with with care?

I just don't feel excited about sex. We can make out all night and I still don't feel...excited about going any further...I'm perfectly content with making out and holding each other...it feels better than sex does.

You write that you've never felt sexually attracted to anyone. And that sex so far hasn't been so good to you. i'm so sorry to hear that. Sex can be done in many ways; it could just a very close way of holding eachother. A way of celebrating love through both your bodies. Perhaps you'd like to start with hugging and get into a more tantric way of having sex? This usually starts with sessions of breathing together and slowly going towards unity. Just going from cuddling towards sex seamlessly. All it requires is patience. If Ginny would be patient with you, stop when you wanted to, would you allow her to discover your body? Open up your body slowly? I think all she wants is to let you discover the joy and pleasure of sex!

Personally, I just want to let you know you are not alone in having no feelings of sexual attraction. I didn't. I thought it was all some big conspiracy in girl's magazines And in fact: I still have no sense of sexual attraction towards any other man then my bf. He is a very patient man that took things very slowly. And he just explored my body bit by bit. He helped me feel a deep connection with my body again, even achieve my first orgasm. Now, I'm a hypersensitive girl that can have multiple orgasms from all sorts of stimulation and even squirt I wouldn't have dreamed about this being 'me'!

I hope it's not to rude to ask, but do you know if there are reasons for you to not like sex? Bad experiences? Negative attitudes learned by parents? Something else? As pointed out by others, it could be something in the past, it could also be that you are simply not attracted to anyone (either way: remember there's nothing wrong with you!)

Personal example: I was sexually attacked as a child, repressed it for about a decade and made myself forget. Until it slammed back in my face and I had no choice but to stop denying. Then came another challenge: stop feeling so terribly ashamed...

Dear Gingerbread Geoff, you seem to me as a man who sincerely wants to make his girl happy. Whatever you do, don't feel ashamed of who you are or make yourself do things you later regret. Just try to find a way to make both of you happy! You are just as important as she is. And though I am certainly no expert, I hope sharing my views will help. Got any questions, you are welcome to ask. Whatever happens, I wish you love!

[VanellaSchnella]

can you get hard? how often does it happen? do you masturbate? Maybe either because of your past experience(s) you are mentally turned of and afraid of sex.. or your hormones aren't at the normal levels. low testosterone possibly. Did you have any sexual desires before your bad experience? All these questions seem very personal but this is anonymous and we are trying to help.

Ginny I believe does care about you; if sex was all she wanted she would leave you.. but she hasnt. You need to explain to her that you are not ready at the moment to have sex or go past making out.. you need to make that very clear. It is obvious sex is important to her though and I believe she wants an effort from you for you to find your sexual side. I'm sure if you make efforts you could "please" her. It takes time to learn so you won't be good right away but as you learn her body and how she likes to be touched you will become better and better. This site as well as a few other sites have very good information. First though I recommend making an effort for you to find your sexual side on your own.. not with her. You need to find the desire before you engage in sexual activity with her again.. girls usually love to feel desired sexually. But I do say if you are unwilling to do this she may leave.. and you cannot blame her for this.. to many people sex is very important and a big part of relationships.. she seems to be one of those people. If you make no effort then you two have serious compatibility issues which are likely too great to overcome. She may stay with you though but she likely doesn't want to be sex deprived.. esp her whole life. So I say you have to make the effort or its likely that soon you'll be on your own again in which case when you do prospect new women for a relationship it might come in handy to pick one who isnt that into sex either.

[Gingerbread Geoff]

Originally Posted by RedRoses

It must be hard for you. I think sex is way more important to Ginny then it is to you. But remember: it is your body. She needs to be patient with you! From the descriptions by Ginny and your own posts you seem to me as a kind and sensitive man and even a bit on the romantic side. Nothing to be ashamed of, but perhaps someone who needs to be dealt with with care?

I don't want her to worry. And more recently I've felt increasingly unhappy.

This is all my fault. And I have to fix it.

You write that you've never felt sexually attracted to anyone. And that sex so far hasn't been so good to you. i'm so sorry to hear that. Sex can be done in many ways; it could just a very close way of holding eachother. A way of celebrating love through both your bodies. Perhaps you'd like to start with hugging and get into a more tantric way of having sex? This usually starts with sessions of breathing together and slowly going towards unity. Just going from cuddling towards sex seamlessly. All it requires is patience. If Ginny would be patient with you, stop when you wanted to, would you allow her to discover your body? Open up your body slowly? I think all she wants is to let you discover the joy and pleasure of sex!

It's not that I've never been sexually attracted to someone...it's that I'm not excited by the notion of engaging that attaction. I don't particularly enjoy those feelings of desire. And though I was aroused, and yeah did complete everything....it didn't feel nice. It was all burny and sharp and unpleasant. And I couldn't say anything. She was so...hoping that I'd enjoy it. I have to enjoy it.

I hope it's not to rude to ask, but do you know if there are reasons for you to not like sex? Bad experiences? Negative attitudes learned by parents? Something else? As pointed out by others, it could be something in the past, it could also be that you are simply not attracted to anyone (either way: remember there's nothing wrong with you!)

I was never really comfortable with touching. I enjoy being with Ginny, and I can be comfortable with her touching me generally, but when it comes to sex...there's a difference and I don't like it. I don't like the way she looks at me when she's in the mood, I don't like the way her body language changes...and I really don't like when she touches me in certain places. It feels...wrong. I don't like the way she desires me like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I get feelings in my head that she's treating me like an idiot that it's not really me she wants I'm just a means to an end. Especially now.

Dear Gingerbread Geoff, you seem to me as a man who sincerely wants to make his girl happy. Whatever you do, don't feel ashamed of who you are or make yourself do things you later regret. Just try to find a way to make both of you happy! You are just as important as she is. And though I am certainly no expert, I hope sharing my views will help. Got any questions, you are welcome to ask. Whatever happens, I wish you love!

I want to make her happy. I can deal with my own unhappiness.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay, Geoff, we get it.

You have a problem that is either body or policy.

Please go see an endocrinologist and get yourself checked out because your lack of desire means something's not right. You might be one of those men whose hormones aren't at the right levels.

If the test results come back normal, then it is time to talk to someone who specializes in psychological sexual dysfunction to discuss your policy regarding sex and why you get creeped out when someone you profess to care about tries to physically bond with you which is, most emphatically, NOT the response of standard heterosexual human males esp this from you:

"Making out all night feels better than having intercourse."

What are you so afraid of?

You sound like a man who was raised in some sort of cult. The whole community turning on you, et al.

BTW, yes she did enjoy sex with you. She enjoyed the intimacy, so, no she didn't lie to you.

[Gingerbread Geoff]

They turned on me because it was a homophobic little town who thought I was gay...I even lost the job I had because of it...even my parents thought I was.

I read her posts about it, it didn't sound like she enjoyed it...She said she did but then later she really pulled back from that. I don't know. I just feel like she turned a molehill into a mountain and I'm the one stuck trying to climb it all by myself. And everyone here seems to just be piling on more.