my girlfriend's friends

[credo1624]

Hi everyone. Been looking around the site for awhile, finally decided to post because I seem to have run across this issue that I don't really know what to do with.

I've been serious with my girlfriend for about 6 months now...I know its still somewhat early in the relationship but we've really hit it off and I couldn't be happier (for the most part...read on). We've had ups and downs along the way but we've always maintained great communication and understanding towards one another. Well...everything's been great except for this one thing:

Her friends. Don't get me wrong, I've always prided myself on getting along with people. I'm outgoing, interested and I put in good effort when meeting people, especially with friends of the people I care about the most. But with these people I just can't do it.

Funny thing is, most of her close friends are guys. I just can't seem to get along with them. It's not that we fight, but they have there own little clique and I can't seem to get in. I have my own group of close guy (and girl) friends but its very frustrating that I can't seem to get comfortable with these people, and I feel like I have to considering they are very close with my girlfriend.

Every time Kristen (my gf) and I get together with them I'm always kind of the "outsider." I have to watch while Kristen and all of them joke about college days (they were all on the cross-country ski team together) and this person and that person, while I sit there silently, not because I want to but because there is no possible way for me to add anything to the conversation. They also drink and party way more than I do. (I love to get a little loose but drinking half a handle of Jack Daniels and then seeing what kind of shenanigans I can get into at bars is not my idea of a great time.)

The guys also have a brother-like relationship with Kris, which is a little uncomfortable for me at times because they do tease her and do flirtatious things with her while I'm around. I know they're not being malicious it just bothers me.

Kris and I have talked about this but I feel like I'm helpless when we're with those people. I feel awkward and out of place. I want to join them in their fun but it just seems impossible. I've tried my best, I know I have. Her friends havn't given me the time of day and I'm really starting to resent them and even her to a certain extent.

I know that we're seeing them for a night or two next weekend in NYC and I'm dreading it.

Part of this was a vent but thanks for listening. Any advice would be great.

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome aboard--finally. I'll save my opening because you've probably read the paragraph several times.

This is not unusual within both male and female circles. Perhaps the best way to handle the situation is to simply be polite to each of these "brothers" of hers. I understand being on the sidelines and this seems to be a pattern of behavior that younger less worldly people do. It is thoughtless behavior because if they had any manners, they would at least acknowledge your presence and the relationship and try to include you even if only a little bit.

So, do not make a big deal about it, and recognize it for the behavior it is. It is up to your girlfriend to call these friends on their lack of manners and to bring you into the discussion if the others won't. So, let her know this and ask for her help. She can then ask you for an opinion, observation, or comment every now and then.

You do not have to like these fellas, although, you do have to be understanding of their relationship and be courteous to them. Even if you cannot contribute anything, now, perhaps with her help you will be able to i the future.

[Grim]

You don't have to like these guys and you don't have to hide it from your girlfriend.
If you see them flirt with her you can always interrupt (but don't make it obvious that this is the reason).

[credo1624]

I appreciate the advice.

Grim- I understand where you're coming from buts its hard considering she's known these guys years before I've even met her. I've told her that I find it hard to be around those people but nothing has ever come of it. I'm fairly laid back, not that confrontational, so its hard sometimes. I put myself in her shoes sometimes...what would I think if she didn't like the people I spent time with? Not the best feeling in the world.

I also recently found out that she had slept with one of her "brothers" about a year ago. She told me that it was a one time deal and that they had talked and agreed that neither one of them wanted to do it again. Albeit we were not together at the time it still feels strange when that particular guy is around (and he does do the flirtatious thing I explained earlier, which is mostly teasing her, tickling, really childish stuff). Still made me angry and I kind of blew up at her.

I just want to be accepted by these people, because they are close to Kris but everytime we get together with them I don't have a good time at all.

[dancingdoc2]

Some of us here have said time and again, that a person's past is his/her history and should not be the concern of a current boy- girlfriend. That said, again, what should be important to you is not what your girlfriend did or did not do before meeting you, it is with the history the two of you are working on--now that should be your only concern.

As for their collective childish behavior, you can tell her that it makes you uncomfortable, and you can choose to ignore it. Either way, it is up to her to do something about it. Do not belabor the situation by bringing it up over and over. You can deal with it, or not. If she does not choose to change how these friends interact with her in order to make life more comfortable to you, so be it. You can accept this or move on. This may be an area of her life that she chooses not to change even though you are now a part of it. She sounds somewhat immature and making changes in how they all interact may not be an action she places any importance on thus ignoring or discounting your feelings.

There is an alternative that you can choose: let her get together with her friends while you stay home or do something else. Having attempted to have a good time, there is no rule that says you have to socialize with everybody and continue to be miserable. The two of you are dating, there is no need to shadow each other and do everything together. Shucks, even married couples engage in activities from time to time that do not involve the other, so this separateness shouldn't be any big deal. You have your separate activities that are not necessarily of any interest to her, the reverse as discussed, and, those things the two of you participate in as a couple. Give these arrangements a try and see if your comfort level improves, and, whether she cares enough about your comfort to make changes.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Houston we have a problem.

1. your gf's not standing up for you
2. the group's rudeness (See Miss Manners)
3. this idea that you two have to do everything together

She knows you're unhappy and hasn't done anything to correct the situation. Bad sign. Not including everyone in the group discussion is just plain rude.

What you do is schedule some 'Me Time' or 'My Friends Time' when she wanders out to see these friends. Let her explain why you're not there to her friends.

[Qplezsthawife]

the fact that she's flirting with the guy or he's flirting with her that she slept with is not good....you better nip that in the butt ASAP.....who's to say that they won't try fooling around again.....you don't know if the sex between them was good for her or not and she's not gonna tell you.....and if she does, she'll probably lie about it to protect your feelings

be a man and claim your girl......be aggressive, not timid.....while at the same time giving adequate space between you two

[dancingdoc2]

Flirting is generally innocent fun. His girlfriend said they agreed the one-night stand was just that and would not happen again.

> the fact that she's flirting with the guy or he's flirting with her that she slept with is not good....you better nip that in the butt ASAP.

I disagree. As noted, the guys and the girlfriend are old friends with years of friendly social interactions among and between them. There is no reason to be threatened, or jealous, or insecure. These are her friends to which he is trying to have some social interaction with, also. If he succeeds, great, if not--oh well. There is nothing to nip in the bud. This is an issue of trust and establishing trust. Unless and until she demonstrates she has overstepped the boundaries of her relationship with "Credo" there should be no reason for concern. Do not make more of this group friendship than it has been described to be.

Kris is not a "property" that is bound or hog-tied to a relationship. Until there is a signed contract between them, both are free to interact with whomever they choose. That they not choose, shows concern for the relationship bonding process in progress.

What is important to understand is that Kris and Credo can have a relationship; she and the guys can, and all of them can if she will step up to the plate and integrate him into the group--and, Credo can have relationships with other men and/or women that may or may not include Kris. A couple's relationships becomes dicey when a sense of ownership by one of the partners places a limit or restriction on the other partner's activities. If insecure partners will understand the difference between social interactions and romantic ones, and that there is no harm until there is proof of harm, then do not try to fix what isn't broken, especially by placing demands on the other person.

[Qplezsthawife]

sometimes dancingdoc2 i believe you walk around with a blind fold on.......and i get what you are saying

i guess what i'm ultimately trying to say is beware of your surroundings and what's going on around you.....with or without the friends......body language speaks more than words

oh and that last statement i said about claim your girl.....i didn't mean it like she's your property, but to a setpoint, you have to show some sort of concern to let her know that the relationship is worth having with you........therefore if she thinks the same in kind, she'll adjust to the situation and make a slight change......if not, she probably doesn't respect you

i'm not saying she's suppose to stop seeing the friends and i'm not saying put handcuffs on her......it's like my wife says to me when we go out, show her more attention, just so that she knows that i acknowledge that she's there.....so in vise versa.....she should show u attention so that she can let you know that she acknowledges that you are there

[EvilEvilKitten]

Q - what is up with you? So the girl flirts - jeez!

THEY ARE NOT MARRIED.

Blinders on, hah! It isn't that she flirts or not that's the problem - the problem is she's ignoring him and permitting her friends to ignore him as well. Sure he could exert himself but to what end? His interests don't match those of the group and there's some resentment already. His 'intruding' himself into the situation will only make him look like a jealous lout esp since she had enjoyed one of them.

Calmly declining to attend sends the message that he trusts her and yet puts the pressure on her to make up her mind and change her behavior - and all without even having to mention that he finds her friends boring. Couples do not have to sit in each others' pockets to stay a couple.