Fallen for a guy...but he's not sure about a relashionship

[springfever]

I'm not quite sure where to start with this, I'm just a bit generally confused, and wondered if anyone had any ideas on what may be up or, where to go from here...

I have known this guy around 4 years. He is a builder at my house, thus knew my parents, and our family's wealth/status as such before he really knew me.
When he used to do work on the house, we would chat and got on well. I always had a minor crush on him (probs more the situation...kind of someone I shouldn't of liked maybe, as he worked for my parents, fantasy sorta thing ) Anyhow, he had a long term gf, so nothing ever happened; although he never actually mentioned her which I find odd.

Fast forward a few years, I'm 18, he's 22. We are back in contact, his gf has broken up with him. We go out a few times; which I take as just friends thou there has always been undeniable chemistry between us). For a few weeks he is sooo sweet, taking me places, when he has no need etc; and many signs say he likes me.

One alcohol-infused night, we end up making out-I'm on cloud nine X] But apparently...that night he was attempting to turn me down..."I've just got out of a relationship"

Only after this, he keeps in and out of contact. I try and think of us as just friends, as i don't wanna get hurt, and assume it's what he's thinking. Except one night, we meet up, and we end up...well, everything but sex. An he says he liked me since we met, and that he wanted to be with someone who understood him He also mentioned that he thinks I'm too innocent for him.

...only the same happens I'm not the sort of person who assumes lust and sex, are the same as love, emotions feelings etc. In fact...so much so, I rarely mix the two. But, for the 1st time ever...I'm linking the two.

Sorry to be dragging this on. But we had a talk...he claims it wasn't just a one off (ie. he doesn't just wanna fuck me an isn't like that) ...which I honestly believe from the convo. But, I personally think he, may still have some feelings for his ex(though I feel almost over her) and that he is somewhat scared of getting hurt. I think he kinda thinks I'm outta his league, an go leave him in the future, due to intelligence and background etc. But I don't see that.
I didn't know what to do with that info...he states he is "really into me"...so why can't it work? He thinks I want a relationship, but tbh, I just wanna see where things lead.

So, I'm guess I'm saying, i don't know how to play this. Maybe he is not worth all this drama...but in truth, I can't get him outta my head. I've seriously fallen for him. I'm wondering weather I need to tell him some of my feelings more, as I got him to open up but never opened up to him.
Would it scare a guy off to open up quite so much though? I'm not used to acting that way. But maybe he needs to be assured that I will not do these things he thinks?
My other option is to play it cool, and just stay mates...I guess if he wants me, he will let me know in good time.
Finally, show him, I'm not all so innocent ...somehow and see if that changes things...if it doesn't...I guess we will of had a good time

Any thoughts would be appreciated...especially male feedback, on their reaction to a girl opening up more (...pun not intended)

Thank you

[roomier]

Hey Spring... very quickly. I believe that when two people want each other is should not be complicated!!! If it is - Then the relationship will be complicated and a roller-coaster ride. It looks like he not focused on long term with any one. Find someone who will focus only on you... It's a great feeling to be the only one in the others life......Be true to yourself does he show you (not in words) that you are the only one. By the way, it doesn't really matter if you tell him how you feel, if he wants you. He would have ask you out. It's more that just sex..good luck!

[Brandye]

Look, you are eighteen. There is sufficient angst in late adolescent relationships without your seeking it intentionally. Get on with your life, do what makes you comfortable and do not wait for him to grow up. You are haing enough trouble with that.

[dancingdoc2]

Please read what I have written on the topic of dating, its purpose and how to do it.

From your description, you seem to be trying to establish a relationship with the fellow, first, before establishing a friendship with him and then hoping all will work out. This is backwards. Dating should be about learning more about others than is possible in a purely casual setting in order to learn about a person's character, likes, dislikes, quirks, goals, morals, objectives, values, etc., so that when Mr./Ms. Right does come along you will be better able to recognize the person. From among the people you date, one or two will probably be individuals you want to establish a relationship with. Eventually, one or more will fall by the wayside and one will be a keeper. At that time, then you can be exclusive.

[springfever]

Thank you for your responses.

I have read your articles on dating, such as exclusivity Vs Dating around. I totally support this approach to dating, however, it is rather more difficult to implement in dy-to-day life as social expectations tend to support exclusive relashionships more if this makes sense?

Doc; I understand your point that I must first establish friendship, date others etc before a relationship. This is pretty much how I usually feel. But HE is the one who kept Assuming I wanted a relationship. We have been friends for quite some time. Being that he has said he doesn't want a relationship, I have assumed us as friends, and gone out as I enjoy spending time together. After the night we spent together I have suggested I wanted to see how things go, "seeing" each other so to speak.


Thing is; in one way HE seems to be the one wanting a relationship, as he wants someone therefore him, understands him etc etc
...but I think...maybe he is scared of it going wrong (due to his ex) and getting hurt. So he prefers to be on his own.
...but then he seems against anything more casual...perhaps if he feels it is not what I truly want (which it was, but tbh, as my feelings grow stronger I think I would find it harder to keep it so) and I may get hurt.
It seems like he wants all or nothing....like he either wants the perfect relationship with someone he likes, where they "get each other" and do not have to work at relationship, or nothing (minus friendship and one-nighters)

Does this make sense? I'm not really sure where to go from here. I am trying not to think of him, and do the dating around thing I prior tried, but like I said; truth is...I cannot get him outta my head

I think it will work out because we are suited ,because we compliment each other. We are not the same in all personalities, views etc; but I think are differences are good things. I am pretty sure we both match on a sexual level too...but, because I'm scared of getting hurt i guess...I hold back the inner freak ....so he does not think this lol

[springfever]

Also, in response to Brandye...I am not intentionality seeking complications (although I seem to have developed a bad habit of falling for guys who are complex/i don't understand/in love with ex/i cannot have . . I am trying my best to curb this) If anything, I am seeking the truth

...I spoke to him, almost wanting him to say, it was just sex, I'm not that into you
Or I like you, want to move things forward

...but he didn't do either...which made things complex, I just want things to be simple lol

[springfever]

...another side note, how does one show "your the only one" if not in words??
(as in roomiers comment)

[The_Justine]

You can't control him or his actions. Just your own.

No matter what he's doing, things couldn't be complicated without your participation. The more you are putting up with it, the more he will complicate things and mess around.

If there's any doubt, then there's no doubt I always say.
It's okay to need a little time to get to know one another and see if any feelings grow from it.

But if he still doesn't know whether he wants you or not after all this time, then he doesn't want you enough. Then he's not interested enough and doesn't appreciate you enough.

Simple as that.


I bet that you are a wonderful girl. If you let him treat you like this you might forget yourself. You might feel bad because if you were so wonderful, why would he hesitate? And you'll end up losing your confidence.

No man is worth that and YOU are letting him do this. He wouldn't be able to if you turned him down.


Another thing is: Why should he change when it has no consequences to continue this behavior? He can be as hesitant and waving you off-ish as he wants to - and you still make out with him, see him etc.

So why should he ever get a grip? He gets everything the way he wants - and with his conscience clear as well since he is being perfectly honest with you.


He will not stop until you do.


So if you want to keep your integrity and confidence, you should tell him that you want something serious and defined, and not him babbling about ex'es and him not being ready - and he can call you when he's gotten over it.

Then it's up to him to get himself together or not... And you don't have to live with all his issues or risk getting played.

If he gets himself together - that's wonderful. If not... Life goes on.

[springfever]

Thank you. That response really helped actually, ad put things into perspective. People keep telling me similar, but something clicked when you said it lol.

I shall talk to him; tell him how I feel, but not gonna be playing this game or not. All or nothing; and there are plenty more fish in the sea if not

[EvilEvilKitten]

"someone who understands me" - excuse me while I gag.
Not to be too hard-hearted about this but REALLY. You're a single, nice, and most likely reasonably attractive girl of 18 -so - EVERY male should be out there chasing you. Not to feed your ego or anything but face it, it is true.

You don't have to understand anything about him. You can pick and choose. Just how it is.
Up your game, show self-respect and be quietly demanding and the best men will come forward. If this guy isn't willing to meet up with your expectations, drop him from your list. Date many simultaneously which btw does NOT mean having to have sex with them all, not if you don't want to.

Go forth and have fun - responsibly.

And don't go seeking a 'relationship' - the best relationships just grow on their own.