My BF is avoiding Sex

[Gingerbread Ginny]

First thing first, I really love my bf. He’s a really sweet guy, smart and funny and he makes me so happy, for the most part. He’s 26 and works at a library as a librarian assistant. We met at his work and one day I asked him out on a date (well I asked him a lot of times out on a date…maybe that should’ve been my first clue). And the next thing we’re going out on another date and another and so on.

Everything seems to be going so well, he’s the best guy I’ve been with in a very long time, cute, sweet, sensitive. The problem is when it comes to being physically intimate. In the months that we’ve been together we’ve only really made out a few times and each time it was me that sort of forced the issue. And of those times we’ve made out he’s stopped when I’ve tried to go past it just being making out. It was this most recent time that has been the most sharp in reaction I guess. It’s also the one that seems to have resulted in the largest problem in our relationship.

It was this Friday. I had suggested that I could make a special dinner for him (he’d helped me the weekend previous with putting a new door on my closet) and that we could then stay in and watch a movie. So we had dinner and were watching a movie on my couch and everything was going really great and I kissed him and one thing led to another and so I was getting hot and I slid my hand down his side and down the front of his pants. And he stopped, cold, he literally froze and stared at me and not that shocked by happily surprise kind of stare but rather a more ‘what the hell are you doing!?’ kind of stare. I don’t know quite how but he totally wormed his way away from me, all the while still staring at me like I was some kind of psycho. I asked what was wrong and he looked away from me at the floor and mumbled something about him having to get up early in the morning. Maybe I should’ve left it at that, but I didn’t and I got closer and I asked him what was wrong and he just said that he wasn’t feeling well and I asked him what he met and he just slowly kind of got up and started to leave. I got up to go after him and grabbed his arm and that’s when he just said ‘Please, just don’t touch me, it hurts’.

I hadn’t grabbed him that hard and I just don’t know what’s wrong. I mean he’s such a great guy, all of his friends say that he’s nice. The people he works with say he’s one of the best people they’ve ever had. He’s always insanely sweet to me. Even my friends like him. It’s only when I try to push our relationship further physically that he seems to get cold. I’ve tried a couple of other times with similar results, it’s like he’s afraid or angry or something. The last couple of times that this has happened, everything was fine in a couple of days as if nothing had happened at all. I know he doesn’t have any other girlfriends, in fact when I first met his friends they were shocked that he had a girlfriend at all (actually they said they never imagined him with a girlfriend before).

I’ve tried talking to him about it but he just seems to talk around it. He’s very good at talking a lot without really saying anything…as in I ask him a question about what’s going on and he’ll say a whole bunch of stuff and it’s not until after he’s left the room or actually gone that I’ll have realized that he’s not said anything at all about the question I asked. He’s not religious, and he never seems to have problems with his friends who are well…promiscuous. So I don’t understand what’s up with him. He just acts like he’s utterly terrified (petrified is a better word) and confused when I have tried to initiate sex. I mean, I’m torn…on one hand he’s an amazing guy, but on the other I really enjoy sex and being with a person I love sexually.

[dancingdoc2]

Perhaps the ol' saying "he's just not that into you" is relevant here.

Dating is all about going out with lots of people, sometimes more than one at at time in order to learn more about each other than is possible as "just" friends. The purpose is to learn about likes, dislikes, morals, goals, quirks, values, etc. in order to be better able to recognize Mr./Ms. Right when s/he comes along.

Dating should be about establishing a friendship, first and foremost, then from among these, deciding to date a person and establish a relationship, second. All too often people nowadays reverse the process, and this is wrong. So, keep this person as a friend if it is your wish, and continue dating others in order to find someone more in tune with you.

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I recommend reading the articles on dating in order to add to what you already know about the activity.

[Gingerbread Ginny]

Don't treat me like an idiot or a child...please.

I dated when we were first going out I followed all your suggestions, I've been lurking for a while. I like him a lot. I don't want to date anyone else. He always seems into me until I try to go further...he's into me he's even said that he'd love to sometime, but he just doesn't seem to when I try...

[nuttychick]

Originally Posted by Gingerbread Ginny

I slid my hand down his side and down the front of his pants. And he stopped, cold, he literally froze and stared at me and not that shocked by happily surprise kind of stare but rather a more ‘what the hell are you doing!?’ kind of stare. I don’t know quite how but he totally wormed his way away from me, all the while still staring at me like I was some kind of psycho. I asked what was wrong and he looked away from me at the floor and mumbled something about him having to get up early in the morning. Maybe I should’ve left it at that, but I didn’t and I got closer and I asked him what was wrong and he just said that he wasn’t feeling well and I asked him what he met and he just slowly kind of got up and started to leave. I got up to go after him and grabbed his arm and that’s when he just said ‘Please, just don’t touch me, it hurts’.

I hadn’t grabbed him that hard and I just don’t know what’s wrong. .

Maybe he just wants you as a friend and nothing more...Maybe he prefers males.. or maybe he just isn't into you...

Your behavior (which you describe above) to me is bordering on sexual harassment .. Just because you are a woman you don't have the right to force yourself on any un-willing participant...

[Gingerbread Ginny]

Originally Posted by nuttychick

Maybe he just wants you as a friend and nothing more...Maybe he prefers males.. or maybe he just isn't into you...

Your behavior (which you describe above) to me is bordering on sexual harassment .. Just because you are a woman you don't have the right to force yourself on any un-willing participant...

I didn't grab his arm in a 'I'm going to rape you' sort of way. I wasn't going to force myself on him, I just wanted him to tell me what was wrong. It wasn't like I forced myself on him anyways...we were making out and I was attempting to push the boundary, as soon as he stopped I did too. It was only after got up to leave that I took his arm, I didn't want to go, and I wanted to apologize...

[roomier]

Ginny, I think he maybe turned on by other things and is afraid to tell you.. I know that feeling!!!

[nuttychick]

Originally Posted by Gingerbread Ginny

I was attempting to push the boundary,.

So you think it is OK to "push the boundary" when you knew from previous attempts he wasn't interested?

[RedRoses]

Dear GG, I couldn't possibly tell you what's really up with him, but from your description, I think there's something lingering with your guy...

I know he doesn’t have any other girlfriends, in fact when I first met his friends they were shocked that he had a girlfriend at all (actually they said they never imagined him with a girlfriend before).

So, is it possible that you are his first girlfriend? And maybe he's too shy or ashamed to admit it? And gets confused by another person touching his body? You describe him as a sensitive person, so why not?

when he just said ‘Please, just don’t touch me, it hurts’. I hadn’t grabbed him that hard and I just don’t know what’s wrong.

Aiiii, this seems painful... I'd say: people don't just make remarks like that! And considering him looking pale and terrified of you touching him, maybe there's something way more intense that he's ashamed of... Could it be something bad has happened to him in the past?

These are all speculations based on your description... Could be something small, could be something larger. Could even be that he's not into you at all (though I would find his ways of expressing that truly odd and not likely...). The only person who could really tell, is him. And shame is really a bitch in such cases, whatever may be the cause... I think your ways are ok; talking about it and asking him. But do try to remain calm and patient! (though I understand your confusion, it's not the best thing to grab someone who just indicated such 'fear' of touching).

From your post I read that you really like the guy. And through the lines I read that you care for him. So my advise would be: Tell him that you're feeling something is up with him. Try to make him feel safe and let him know he can trust you. That he could tell you anything, without feeling ashamed. That you won't judge him for anything. That you'd like to help him with whatever it is that's troubling him. And after making this clear, don't ask him questions, but just leave it alone for a while (patience is a virtue). Chances are he'll come back to you and tell

I'm no expert and I don't have a lifetime of experiences like some do on this forum. I'm simply sharing my thoughts with you, hoping it might help

[roomier]

Nutty has a point... You may also be turning him off to you!!

[RedRoses]

Wow, a lot of discussion happened while I was typing my reply. High, low, too slow
Anyways, still hope it's of any help