Am I paranoid and insecure?

[dave24]

Ok guys, and gals I have a bit of a problem. In recent months I have started dating this girl, we hit it off perfectly and we seem to be the perfect match for each other. But there is only slight problem, and that is her friends and her living arrangements.

She lives in the dorms on campus, so everyone knows, and those dorms are conncedted to the ones where numerous guys she has slept with live. she says she has slept with about 8-9 guys, about 4 or so live in another state where she went to high school, the rest are in this dorm, including the only one night stand she says she had.

According to her, she doest stay in contact with most of her ex's, including this one dude whom I have met and I really can't stand.

This one ex i have a problem with, well heres the story. She slept with him all semester last year, which is about 3-5 months long. and when she asked if there was going to be an actual relationship, he dumped her claiming she wasn't the same religion as him he won't date her. later on he admits to useing her as a sex toy and never had any intention to date her. well she is still friends with the guy, which confuses me to all hell!

You see, cause she still hangs out with her ex's including this one guy, its made me a bit paranoid that there is a possibility she could cheat on me, and I ask her about this, and she said she would never do that as its the cowards way out of a relationship.

Well I still can't help but feel uneasy, you see I live 20 minutes away and so she has a lot of free time with them when I am not around, and the thought of her cheating is still very prominate in my mind. I can't seem to get it out even thouh there is no evidance to support it. What I want to know is if I am being to paranoid and what i can do to stop it, cause I really like this girl, we fit so well together and I dont want to ruin a good thing becuase of my paranoia.

[Brandye]

Yes, you are. But, more importantly, you and she are still pretty low on the maturity scale. She has clearly been engaging in "casual sex" and nothing is said about yourself. You are not married and there is no reason to label her behaviour as "cheating." Until and unless you two craft some sort of sexual exclusivity agreement, it is simply none of your business.

This situation is already a demonstration that too much knowledge of a person's sexual history can be detrimental to any relationship. 8-9 guys is not that big a deal except in telling you about all those blokes, she has made you or, you have made yourself, uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Beyond some age, we all have a sexual history. That much can be assumed. What is in that sexual history is no one's business with the exception of warning potential partners about disease possibility.

[dave24]

Thing is, my sexual experience is limited, only one person before her, and thats it. same thing with a girlfriend, only one before her. Part of me wonders if that is why I am so paranoid is because I have no experience. My heart says to trust her, so does my gut, but my mind is always wondering. I sadly suffer from an over active mind so I am quite literlly unable to shut it off. I asked some other people and while immature, did say I should use one of our weekly honesty sessions to just come out and say I don't like how she hangs with her ex's, especially that one ass from earlier. I won't demand she stop seeing them, as I feel demanding something like that is wrong, but I should make my feelings clear and then her and I can work through it that way.

what do you all think? Should I just be honest and tell her that way we can try to work it out and to put my mind at ease, finally?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Frankly, a college-age girl with 8 or 9 past lovers - she's pretty much average. Contrary to the previous post - the fact that she can remain friends with her exes is a good thing - it takes maturity to be able to do that.

The problem here is YOU and your weak ego. That's your problem to fix, not hers so don't go making this her burden 'help me work this out so I can feel better'.

There really is no one on earth who is just like you with your own unique mixture of good, bad, and indifferent. You should be rejoicing instead of worrying "oh I may not measure up". PFFFT. Please - each man regardless of his endowment, has his own style of sex - some are more oral, some are more tactile, and some are generous/selfish/whatever.

FORGET her exes - they don't matter. The ONLY thing that matters is what is going on between her and you. Face it - she tried them out and, not finding them quite what she wanted, she moved on. Their loss is your gain.

Man or Mouse?

[dancingdoc2]

> Thing is, my sexual experience is limited, only one person before her, and thats it.


Please read this article listed in the Index:

HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say:

I recommend to all new members of our community that they read each of the articles listed in the Index. Knowledge is empowering and can only help with what a person already knows.

[shinji]

Ok Dave, I may be able to help you a little here. See I was in a similer situation until a few hours ago. In fact its really similer to your situation, so similer its creepy.

You see I was, and still am, a little uneasy about my girlfriends sexual history, she lost her virginity at 18, and she turns 20 next month. In thoose two years she has slept with 10 different guys, including me. In fact, the last time she had sex before I started dating her was during all throughout spring break with one dude, and I started having sex with her the week after spring break when we started dating. She was even used as a toy by a guy who dumped her for so called religious reasons, though according to her most girls have that kind of guy at least once, uses them for sex for a while, and dumps them claiming religion. And half her Ex's she has slept with still live near her on campus, and I live 40 minutes away, and she occasionally still hangouts with them.

Cause for some unease, sure, its only logical, especially since my sexual history is limited to two women, My current girlfriend and my ex.

But I digress, I was worried that I was being to paranoid, so I asked my friend for some advice, since out of all my friends he is the only one with a girlfriend. He says that when he first started dating his current girlfriend 1 1/2-2 years ago, he was uneasy as well about her history, so he asked her about it, hoping for complete honesty from both him and her, and she told him.

after that, he left it be, and he told me that the feeling of paranoia just fades over time. now he doesn't even think about it, as he is fine with it. She has never once cheated on him and they have a very strong relationship going on for almost 2 years.

So I took his advice and asked my girlfriend for complete honesty, and her and I talked, today in fact. Se told me everything, and told me that she is glad I talked to her, to get it out in the open, and while she doesn't understand this kind of jeaslousy, she apprecheates the fact I was honest with her. and she was not shy in her responses. She even offered to give me names and pictures of all her ex's for my own comfort.

(it should be noted it was her idea, i was so shocked a weak ok slipped out, followed by a few minutes of me imitating a goldfish.)

My problem was, my heart trusts her completely, it says she will not cheat and she says she will not cheat, and I beleive both completely. My problem is my brain, as it remembers I was burned horribly before.

(dancingdoc and the others may remember, they helped me deal with that Ex of mine)

So I told her, she and I were honest together, and she is not dumping me or any of that. My brain may still be a bit paranoid, but I have decided to ignore it and just follow my heart.

I am sorry I filled this up with my own experience, but I beleive dave24 can learn from this experience. Just be honest with her and tell her the truth and let it go. Holding on will only ruin your relationship. I am chooseing to let go of my paranoa and to follow what my heart says, which is to trust her. I think dave you should do the same. If you have real feelings for her you will be honest, and then just let it go. If she has not given you cause to be suspecious then do not be suspecious. You'll just look like a jerk and ruin what can possibly be the greatest moments of our life.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Insecurity as you two have described has put more women into their graves than anything else. Literally. What begins as a small niggling in your brain all too often grows into something deadly because HE doesn't have the self-esteem of a gnat and has a total lack of trust.

Let's turn this situation around to make the point more clear:

How many women have you had? What did you do? Who was she? You got any picutres? How about love letters? Tell me chapter and verse - how did you meet, when did you meet? Were her breasts as nice/big/bouncy as mine? Was she thinner/richer/prettier than me? Tell me about each and every moment of each and every date. Explain why you did this or did that. And at every turn offer up praise for 'being honest' because she's asking you what it is NOT her business to know. The RELENTLESSNESS of the inquisition will continue until SHE is satisfied that your past represents no threat to her and her relationship with you. Except she never is, not really, and will continue to ask the same questions all throughout the relationship. Every time for so much as look at another woman, you'll face the same interrogation. Every phone call, every piece of junk mail. Account for every moment of your time, every penny in your wallet, every mile on your car's odometer all so she can 'feel better'.

Until the answers no longer satisfy and she will not relax until she has total control over you and of your life.

She gets out the grill and incinerates your music. She rips up your clothes. She breaks your things. If you possess anything of which she does not 'approve' she destroys it. Everything you say or do is wrong.

All to make her 'feel better'.

Guys, you're on the brink of becoming an abuser.
STOP IT NOW.

[shinji]

It is amazing how you can turn something so simple into an abuse like situation Evilkitten. The guy, and myself, have not once hinted at doing anything of the like, let alone going anywhere near the path of an abuser. I for one do not grill her about every single detail, I just wanted to know the facts and get them straight so no misconceptions can occure between me and her. She wanted the same, hell she asked me about my ex before I asked her about hers.

Did I get paranoid before, yeah, but that was becasue I didn't know jack about what was going on with her so I asked. Now that her and I have cleared the air I just let it drop and am moving on. Do I like or trust her ex's, not a chance in hell, do I trust her not to cheat and to be honest with me, you bet your ass.

You EvilKitten are describing a scenario that is so far out away from this situation it borders on rediculous. I dont about the guy who started this thread, But I have no intention to do anything you just described. Do I grill her about every guy she talks to, no.

DO I check to see if she owns stuff given to her by her ex's, no.

Am I concerned they may want her back, yes, but I TRUST her enough to not cheat, to not leave me, for them.

It is amazing how a simple conversation can help a relationship. My GF said she felt good about releving the air, and she was glad I brought it up, cause it also opened the door for her to ask about my ex, which i answered with honesty.

The only cause for concern is if dave24 here deicides that a conversation isn/t enough, that he has to ban her from seeing them, or from having guy friends. That is a cause for concern, but he hasn't said that. Give the guy the benefit of the doubt and just see what he has to say first before you make assumptions.

I droped the subject with my GF, even though she says we can talk about it anytime, as long as she gets the same rights in that regard. But there is nothing left to be said between her and I on that subject as everything that can be said was said, and we have moved past it and are now focusing on other aspects of our lives together.

If having a conversation to clear the air with my GF because of mixed signals and words is a sign of an abuser then you need to lable my GF as an abuser, and every couple in the world that has honest conversations as an abuser. Including yourself.

[dave24]

After reading all the posts, I would like to start off by thanking Shinji for sharing his experience, while it is similar to mine, it is also different. I would also like to address the issues Brandye brought up first.

1: I would first like to start off by talking about my sexual history, or lack thereof. I am a short man, about 5ft 9, and close to being overweight, age 22 and I am a well known D&Der. I never had a girlfriend in high school cause I was not the best looking and a nerd. In collage I thought my chances would increase, but they didn't till I met her. I lost my virginity to her and she is the first girlfriend I have ever had. So my experience is almost nill. The reason I came here was because if I am being out of line in my paranoia, then I would seek psychological help so I would not take it to far. So thats my history.

To evilkitten, I do not have an ego, and until you actually say something useful and stop making assumptions in this thread, I will ignore you.

To the Doc, thanks for the thread link, I am currently going though it and it sounds like it can be useful for me.

To Shinji, thanks for your coruage to share your experience, and to tell me about it. I will talk to her about it and see what she thinks, I am willing to do whatever she asks including to seek counciling. But I will also state I will not be an abuser, I will not stalk her, I will not demand things, I just want clarification from her since this is my first relationship and i do not know what is considered normal.

[EvilEvilKitten]

That is my point - you DON'T have an ego when you SHOULD have one.

Perhaps you missed this point:

"There really is no one on earth who is just like you with your own unique mixture of good, bad, and indifferent. You should be rejoicing instead of worrying "

So, you're not Brad Pitt/whomever - really, and you know this, - it is the content of your character that matters most; not your pants size, not your inseam measurment, not the dollars in your wallet.

YOU matter to HER - all of the above are just accessories.

There is a reason why SHE is NOT dating THEM and IS dating YOU.