A rude awakening in learning how to deal with women.

[Sekcboi85]

So as many of you know, I was in a bad relationship with an emotionally damaged girl, who may or may not have been bipolar as well. There was a lot of ups and downs, and I spent many nights sad and upset, wondering why she couldn't just see that I loved her. Why did she take things so negatively? Why, when I tried to do something nice, did she treat me like crap? How can she make me feel like I never mattered to her? How can she go from loving me, to having sex with another man right after we broke up?

Well, it took me a long time to realize that none of that really matters. Sure, she was irrational, took things negatively, and caused a lot of drama. But a lot of girls do things like that in relationships. If I couldn't handle her specific way of handling situations, why did I even try to stay with her in the first place? Why come back to her, and let her believe that her actions were OK? Sadly, I finally realize that the answer was for sex. We had great sex together, and I was in denial about that being the main reason why I wanted to be with her. Sure, I also liked the challenge of trying to help her, a boyfriend's job isn't to be a psychiatrist.

Most of the times that we fought, it was because she was being irrational. However, I hadn't learned a simple lesson that would make my life so much easier with all women, not just her: That lesson is choosing your battles. Such an important concept when dealing with women. If you fight over everything that they are wrong about, you will get on her nerves very quickly. And like the great EEK once told me, "Just refuse to fight with girls. Keep my cool, and use humor to defuse the situation." I didn't realize it at the time, but that is such great advice. I don't have to be a pushover and never stand my ground, but why make issues out of little things? Why bother trying to reason with someone who is unreasonable? I didn't realize just how well humor works at defusing possible fights, but it really does.

I realize now that a girl's feelings dictates a lot of things in the relationship. How happy you are, how much sex you have, how she treats you, etc.... And you can't force a girl's feelings by talking to them logically. Instead, you have to be patient, and try to make them feel a certain way by treating them how they want to be treated. If you force things upon them, they will retreat and you will lose whatever progress you have made. That's why its so important to not seem needy to a girl. There are so many factors to consider when dealing with women, but if I just remember the basics and keep everything light and funny, the chances of success are greatly increased. After all, girls just want to have fun. You don't want to argue with a girl, because they don't remember the actual argument as much as they remember the bad feelings they felt during the argument. And those feelings are connected to you, which is never a good thing.

One of the key lessons I learned is that girls seek acceptance. They know they can be so irrational sometimes, but they expect men to accept them and still love them despite that fact. In the same way that men know we can sometimes be sex crazed pigs, but seek for a women who will accept us anyway. I never understood that concept before, and I spent a long time blaming my girlfriend for all our fights. And while it was partly her fault for taking things negatively, and being irrational, it never had to become an argument or a fight because all she wanted was for me to accept her for her flaws, and not let it bother me. It was partly my fault for getting so upset at the situation, and causing a huge fight over it. Because real men don't let girl's annoying habits bother them. They might tease them about it, make jokes about it, but the girl leaves feeling good about herself, and feeling happy, instead of feeling resentment or sadness after a fight. Girls will be girls, and sometimes us men won't have a chance in hell at understanding them, but we still want them to feel loved.

Now, learning how to put these new lessons that I learned into action will take some practice, and I've caught myself slipping up a lot when I talk to women lately, but I can see the progress and I am actually starting to read situations better, and find myself handling them well.

I finally understand why they say, "A happily married man is a man who knows how to say, "Sorry honey, you are right."

So thanks to this forum for helping me in bits and pieces when I lost my way. I'm sure I'll need more help soon, when I start getting too logical for my own good

Thoughts on this anyone?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Guys have emotions too but they're not permitted to express them.
This makes them very bad at being emotional due to lack of practice.

One other thing you guys have to guard against is "trying to fix" whatever the problem is or trying to change her. Doesn't work and both really irritate women.

Do NOT fight. Do NOT try to soothe it over. Do NOT run away/leave.
Let her 'get it out' and only THEN seek the core of her argument.

One thing people do when facing a breaking-up they don't want is to spill their guts all over the floor, offering their love as a sacrifice to make him/her stay. DON'T because by then it is far too late for that. His/her mind has already been made up and your replacement most likely already selected. This is why PAYING ATTENTION is so important. Your partner's sending out signals - make sure you catch them and interpret them correctly.

YES - humor works. She can't be angry and laughing until she cries at the same time. Use it.

[Paul Tony]

I agree with your statement on guys always wanting to try to fix things EvilEvilKitten :-).

I think we do this because we truly believe that when our partners share their issues with us, it is because they are looking for a solution. This is where most of us get it wrong.

I think in most cases, a woman just needs someone to open up to, and nothing more. For some unknown reason, us guys always feel it is because they need us to help them fix it. This is why it is important to learn how to communicate and listen without always letting logic come into the equation.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Before we go too far with this logical vs emotional argument: think of a man suddenly laid-off off-loading to his wife. He really doesn't want her to "trying to fix it" either right then.

[Sekcboi85]

Such a simple example, and yet no further explanation is needed.
I can't count how many times I tried to fix a problem a girl was telling me, when all she really wanted was for me to listen and comfort her. Such a great lesson that men need to learn.

Anyone else want to share more important lessons that they learned?

[Brandye]

The communication specialists have the best insight here: Men communicate to pass information; women, to establish relationships. We (women) may share a "problem" simply to establish or maintain intimacy; men will hear this as a need for help.

Being a female professional scientist, I have had to learn to communicate "like a man." Men's communication is generally more efficient and direct but rather cold and impersonal. The difference only matters when communication across the genders gets misinterpreted, then re-misinterpreted, then re- re- re- re-. You get the point. At the end is a complete breakdown of both the message and the communication and the relationship.

Scientific protocol leaves little room for miscommunication, but it happens and is often result of the male female difference in the purpose of communicating.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Women also use subtext and meta-messages when communicating far more than men do. When in doubt - watch the body language.

[Sekcboi85]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Women also use subtext and meta-messages when communicating far more than men do. When in doubt - watch the body language.

Oh yeah... I am starting to notice that big time...

This logical vs. emotional argument got me thinking a bit though. I have never been good at understanding emotions, even my own. It's probably one of my biggest weaknesses, and that's why I can't fathom some of the things my girlfriends would do. It just didn't make sense to me once it went through my logical processor. However, after my last girlfriend, and all the hurt she put me through, I can appreciate emotions a little more now. And I accept the fact that I can't live life being completely logical. It's a very dull existence, and doesn't get you very far with the ladies.. At the very least, I need to learn how to better accept those who are not nearly as logical as me, for they have their own strengths and weaknesses.