Mixed Messages From Ex-Boyfriend

[edition]

Hello all. I would really like your advice on a problem I've been dealing with for almost a year now.

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me last summer. He said he wanted more experience and wasn't ready to settle down. (Settle down? I have never mentioned anything about settling down. Ever. Nor would I want to settle down now.) I was deeply hurt but agreed to it for him because I truly loved him. (I even told him that.) I continued to be friends and hang out with him and his family as if nothing changed because that was what his family and he desired. (However, a lot has changed for me.) What I don't understand is he continues to display care, love, sexual attraction, and emotion towards me when we are alone--as if we were still together and in love. I honestly try my best to keep my emotions distant as possible, but it is quite difficult when I'm still in love with him after so many months.

I've been trying to move on ever since he broke up with me. This new year, I decided to move on for good. I avoided him and his family for over a month. Whenever I saw him, it was a quick hello and immediate leave as if we were busy acquaintances passing by. The distance worsened my depression. I figured that me being distant would give him the message that things are different now. However, it did nothing. I visited his family and him a few days ago and again, he displayed the same affection towards me. Love, care, intimacy, and missing me.

I don't know what he wants from me. Does he want us back together? Or does he think we're friends with benefits? Do you think he realizes how much damage I've endured emotionally and mentally?

How do I approach him about this? Should I be blunt and to the point? He does not like to see me upset. However, I need to know where we both stand so maybe I can move on...or we can start anew.

Your help and insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by edition

Hello all. I would really like your advice on a problem I've been dealing with for almost a year now.

My goodness, "patience" must be your middle name. Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums, I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. In addition, if you click on the site's Home page you will find even more information.

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me last summer. He said he wanted more experience and wasn't ready to settle down. (Settle down? I have never mentioned anything about settling down. Ever. Nor would I want to settle down now.)

This is most likely "guy-speak" for not/no longer wanting an exclusive/closed relationship. He wants to be able to date you and be able to date others at the same time. I encourage you to read the articles on dating as well as clicking on my name and going back thru my posts for the past ten days and reading two long replies I've posted to others about the subject of dating.

In a nutshell, dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating should be about going out with as many different people as possible in order to learn more about what humanity has to offer us in a potential mate. Then when we are ready to settle down we will be better able to recognize Mr./Ms. Right when s/he comes along. Being exposed to a variety of different characters, characteristics, likes, dislikes, quirks, goals, ideals, etc., makes it easier to know what we want in others.

I was deeply hurt but agreed to it for him because I truly loved him. (I even told him that.)

People can date more than one person at a time--and should. Exclusivity, if desired, can be implied by your behavior toward each other, instead of being "declared", i.e., "she/he is my girl- boyfriend" to the exclusion of all others. By doing so, we meet more people, have more opportunities to date and to do a wider variety of activities, as well as learning more about others and learning what attributes we value in others.

More importantly, by not having an exclusive relationship, in which "ownership" is understood, we eliminate all of the drama, trauma, and, angst that goes along with breaking up, such as what you are experiencing. This is particularly important for teens and young adults who have not yet developed emotionally or acquired coping skills.

Dating should be to learn about others as well as having fun. Dates may last one time, two or three as we familiarize ourselves with others. With other people, relationships will last longer, yet eventually all but one or two will have come and gone. These will be the "keepers" and when we are ready to settle down, we will know which one it will be with.

I continued to be friends and hang out with him and his family as if nothing changed because that was what his family and he desired. (However, a lot has changed for me.) What I don't understand is he continues to display care, love, sexual attraction, and emotion towards me when we are alone--as if we were still together and in love. I honestly try my best to keep my emotions distant as possible, but it is quite difficult when I'm still in love with him after so many months.

The problem as I see it is in having a failure to communicate adequately what his intent in breaking up was. He desires the freedom to date you any any other girls that may cross his path. This gives you the same freedom to explore the humanity of man and learn from these experiences who and what you want in a potential mate. Maybe each of you will date others at the same time, maybe not; if not, nothing has changed except for the concept that "he is mine" and vice versa. Cheating? Not an issue because there is no binding legal contract between parties.

I've been trying to move on ever since he broke up with me. This new year, I decided to move on for good. I avoided him and his family for over a month. Whenever I saw him, it was a quick hello and immediate leave as if we were busy acquaintances passing by.

But has he really, or, has he simply changed the parameters as noted, above? Perhaps now is a good time to sit down and have a meeting of the minds so to speak. "Communication" is key to having a successful relationship and it seems the two of you have made assumptions as a result of not having a clear understanding of what the other person wants. On the other hand, if you do want to move on as you probably should and for the reasons given, by all means get started.

The distance worsened my depression. I figured that me being distant would give him the message that things are different now. However, it did nothing. I visited his family and him a few days ago and again, he displayed the same affection towards me. Love, care, intimacy, and missing me.

Knowing the above information about dating and its purposes, and when you clearly know what you want for yourself, tell him, and then either move on, or continue to date him along with one or two others. We do not need exclusivity in order to be asked out on a date or to be desired or to be wanted; this is what people nowadays do not seem to understand.

I don't know what he wants from me. Does he want us back together? Or does he think we're friends with benefits? Do you think he realizes how much damage I've endured emotionally and mentally?

Only he can tell you just like only you can tell yourself.

How do I approach him about this? Should I be blunt and to the point? He does not like to see me upset. However, I need to know where we both stand so maybe I can move on...or we can start anew.

Asked and answered. Blunt? No, however, do approach this conversation positively and with an inquiring mind. Your answer will be what it will be.

Your help and insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please do the reading I have recommended, after which if you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask. We are all here to help make life and love easier for those coming up thru the ranks than it was for those of us who have gone before.

-doc

[EvilEvilKitten]

He doesn't want to be exclusive. That is what he meant by 'not settling down'.

I know when, you're first starting out, a girl wants some security so she latches onto the guy and goes all gooey, love, devotion.

Dating doesn't work like that.

In fact when you latch on like that - IT IS SCARY - and most guys will run away and attempt to get some distance. Yes, he cares for you, but he doesn't want to be smothered by you.

Stop seeking security outside of yourself. Develop a spine and an ego - be friendly but don't wear your heart dangling there so that you might lose it so easily and learn to hold a man using a light hold not a strangle-hold.

[edition]

Doc, a lot of people tell me I have a ton of patience. If cars ran on patience, I think the world would only need me to fuel all the cars in the world. :P

How do I bring up the subject positively or without shocking him? Especially after what I've been through...I've turned from a super optimistic person to a pessimistic person. I really want to know what his definition of a break up is and compare it to mine. I assume both our definitions are completely different by the way he acts towards me and vice versa.

EEK, I am very conscious about how "needy" I appear to him. I gave him space and never stopped him from doing whatever he wanted. I also made it clear to him that I do not want to be holding him back. All I wanted was for him to be loyal to me and love me. I guess that was too much?

Thank you so much for your responses. I hope I find enough courage to ask him and to finally be at peace with my emotions and mentality for a while...

[EvilEvilKitten]

Then stop BEING needy. Change your mindset entirely. "Holding him back" and "giving him space" - weasel expressions and very trendy but they also reflect the wrong attitude. Wrong attitude - you are friendly but distant, civil instead of clingy. And you definitely 'don't need to know' because - he's one of many out there.

I am quite serious about you NOT asking him and NOT talking to him about this subject AT ALL. Your emotions are your burden and your issue, not his.

Please read the article Dating Around vs Exclusivity.

[Rouge]

I'm going to quote something that I wrote a while ago, with minor changes. I HAVE BEEN THERE more than once, and this is the way to move on.

1. Stop all contact, including facebook and msn etc. You need to separate yourself from him. It's not necessarily that he's bad or anything, but just that you are too emotional to deal with being around him and getting over him at the same time. Stay out of contact for as long as it takes for you to be clear headed and over him.

2. He does NOT still love you. Love and affection to guys can be a way of keeping someone on the backburner, and he is NOT helping you by continuing these things. If he loved you, he would let you recover without him making it harder for you.

3. Re-invent yourself after you've cut him out of your life. Take your time to cry and be depressed (and you will definitely be depressed), then start to do new things and define yourself as a person separate from anyone else. Find out likes and dislikes and realize that it's about you. don't do it for him. It's over, don't hope for a chance that it isn't.

4. Let go. If it's really meant to be, it will happen come hell, high water, or a massive plague that kills 99% of the world. If it's not meant to be, dragging it out will make you more miserable and prolong your recovery. If it does end up happening, the changes you've made in yourself can only benefit. If it's not meant to happen, the changes you've made will help you to find the right person.

5. let me emphasize BREAK OFF ALL CONTACT. Tell him why you are doing this, and ask him to help you by agreeing to leave you alone. If he cares, he'll go along with it. If he doesn't genuinely care about your needs, he'll disregard you completely (which is a sign that he doesn't respect you). I don't care what comes out of his mouth, you're doing this for YOU and NOT for him. I have been through this process (I stayed single for a year, and only after two years made contact again when I was ready), and it's hard as hell, but it's worth every second that I spent hurting (6 months, to be exact), as I'm now with whom I was supposed to be with, in the most amazing relationship on earth.

6. DO NOT go right into someone else's arms. Stay single for at least a handful of months, as you need to define yourself apart from ANY OTHER person, not only him. Jumping into another relationship without this step will be unfair to your new partner.

[edition]

EEK, I realize that this is my problem and burden. I would not want to burden anyone else. I'm certain neither he or his family even know I'm depressed and still really hurt about the break up.

Rouge, you bring up really good steps on how to move on. They sound incredibly difficult to follow through but I'm sure it is worth the struggle in the end. And I've made it clear to myself that I would not go straight into someone else's arms until I'm over him because that is unfair. I'm all about fairness and balance. Right now, I'm out of balance and it is really taking a toll on me.

[Rouge]

They were some of the most difficult times I've been through (and I've been through a lot), and they are the same ones I'd take again if my current relationship ended. I'm sure there are people who have done it other ways, but this is 'tested' if you will, and in my opinion works out for the best.

[EvilEvilKitten]

We have ALL been there.

Which we precisely why we recommend that people DON'T go exclusive right at the start.

It saves them from having to go through all of this.

[DirtDriver]

I'm a guy...so can I give you my advice? Not that you haven't been given good advice here, because I think you have, but maybe here's a different perspective from experience.

Guys do not like needy-clingy women, especially when we're younger. I remember dating a lot of girls in high school who were "like soo ready to get married!". It was a "turn in the other direction and run" reaction from me 99% of the time.

When guys are dating, they want to have fun and not feel choked to death. This doesn't necessarily mean he wants to have sex with other girls and it doesn't necessarily mean he does not love you or care about you. I dated a girl who I really did care about and I loved the girl. She got clingy as anything and "hanging with the guys" became such a chore with her. It wasn't until one day we were making out on the couch and she said "I love you so much. I never want to be away from you." I literally choked...and couldn't get away fast enough. I was 19 years old! What 19yr old wants to hear that! LOL! Its not that I didn't want sex with other girls, its just that she scared the shit out of me because at 19, I didn't know who I wanted to marry or what.

Fast forward a few years and I started dating my wife. About a year into the relationship, she started to get that "clingy oh my god I want to marry you" approach. Not good. I actually broke it off with her because she was hinting at a serious relationship, as in, you better propose to me before too long. I was not ready to propose. I was just fine and happy with the way things were. I was working on my career and trying to "grow up" and be a man. I didn't want to go around cheating on her, but I didn't want to be held down like that. We broke up, she cried like hell. Left me all sorts of messages. I felt horrible because I really truely did care about her, and I think I was falling in love with her, but it was too much too fast.

So I did what your ex-boyfriend does. I stayed friends with her. I enjoyed being around her, I cared about her, I loved her, but she needed a wake-up call. I guess she reached a point where she was so confused and frustrated (kind of like you), that she just stopped reading into it and just went with it.
She wasn't clingy, but when I did come to see her, we had hot wild sex. She was an animal. She showed me that she really desired me sexually, and what man can't turn that down? She never brought up getting back "together" or any future relationship plans. We were friends, we both had a thing for each other and we kept it going.

Yes, it eventually led to us getting married. So in the END, she got what she wanted. In fact, I think I was manipulated by her woman powers of sexual attraction.

I suggest that you stop reading into the situation. Who cares? Feel free to go meet other people and if you love this guy, and he obviously still has a thing for you, than be around him when HE wants. If you're hot for him, then come on to him. Show him some good fun. Flaunt what ya got, make him want you. Leave the mushy lovey relationship talk for later. I guarantee that if you give this guy something to dream about, he's not going to want any other girl. He's going to want you. And he's going to look forward to you coming over. Don't scare him...it seems like from you're saying that he's got a thing for you girl. So make him want you by wanting him.

If you need advice, you can call my wife. She did it perfectly.