Lack of Sex Drive

[SepiaInc]

Hello all. I've been reading these forums for some years but now have a personal issues I seek advice on.

I am 20 and my girlfriend is 24. We've been together for a little over a year now. Last night while we were talking, she mentioned that she was feeling very anxious about our sex life. As with most couples when we first started "canoodling" we would have sex fairly often (5 or 6 times a week), but things have declined. For the past couple months it has only been once a week if that. My sex drive is still fine, she just finds herself disinterested a lot of the time or indifferent. I've never mentioned or made her feel uncomfortable (that she has verbalized or nonverbalized with me) about the amount of sex we have. We're both very open with each other and communicate things fairly well. I don't think it is the quality of sex as I read these forums and put everything to the best use possible. I also tend to be romantic and like to surprise her with cute things/actions whenever possible.

Both of us and our relationship is very young so she feels as though she is failing as a lover. I tried to convince her otherwise but she seems to still feel slightly insecure about it. Any advice?

(If more information is needed please ask and I will try to fill in details.)

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome aboard--for real.

What has changed in your life together? One thing to understand is that when a relationship is new and burgeoning it is not at all unusual for couples to make love several times week, as well as one or more times a day. As the two of you settle into your new life together it is natural for the display of affection and the outward expression of your love {sex) to become less frequent, although no less intense. It seems to me that the two of you have entered this phase in which the number of "sexcapades" is more proportionate with other activities.

That said, other things to look into are:
* has she been on birth control pills/shots from the beginning?
* did she recently start using pills/shots?
* has her life become more complex and stressful recently?

> she mentioned that she was feeling very anxious about our sex life.

Please define "anxious". What about your sex life has her concerned?
What about your relationship has her concerned?

> she feels as though she is failing as a lover. I tried to convince her otherwise but she seems to still feel slightly insecure about it. Any advice?

If this is the definition of her anxiousness, then, I have two thoughts on the matter; first, either something has changed or nothing has changed; second, the two of you should be reading all of the articles listed in the Index and discussing what you have learned; implementing various techniques as required.

As for what may or may not have changed, either she has an issue with self doubt, or, that since introducing a sexual component into the relationship, she/it/you has/have not improved over time in a way she believes would occur.

What does she say when you reaffirm to her that she is not failing as a lover? If she discounts your observation then my guess is that she has an issue with self esteem or confidence that is probably unfounded. If she is concerned about not improving as a lover, then it is all the more reason to be reading the articles in the Index--and perhaps going to the library or your local bookseller and getting the book "The Joy of Sex".

If the two of you always make love in the same way with few if any variations, if you are not devoting a minimum of half an hour (longer within reason if possible) to fooling around and making out, and always on the bed in the same spot, usually at the same time, with distractions like the TV, then all this much change!

Another aspect of change to consider is to take the emphasis off of sex and place it on kissing, cuddling, and fooling around. If intercourse happens, fine; if not, fine.

You've probably read my retort before in which I often tell people that making love is not what we do to each other; it is what we do with and for each other in partnership. Explore and learn together.

I am concerned that she may be expecting your sex life to improve by rote, yet if the two of you are not learning more about the how-to of this, it won't. Also, is there a possibility that she is taking ownership for her dissatisfaction, when in fact it is your failing as an imaginative lover that could be at fault? Just a thought to think about.

Lastly, as anxious as she is about the situation, is she still interested in expressing the love she has for you by making out and having sex? Does she want to know why she feels the way she feels? Is she interested in learning more about life, love, and romance? If so, then you have your reading assignments. Knowledge is empowering. (I had a boss once who told his managers: "Plan your work and work your plan.") If she wants change, enlist her help, do the reading, then put the information learned into practice.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?
-doc

[Brandye]

Said so often: Sex is more often a symptom than the real problem. Perhaps you two need a little communication practice in couple's counselling.

[EvilEvilKitten]

She doesn't lack a sex drive. She's just kind of misplaced it for the moment.

There are several reasons for this:
1. stress in her life
2. dealing with an unresolved issue in her head re: sex or relationship.
3. trying NOT to hurt your feelings so holding back on discussions
4. some medical issue
5. is uber-exercising, anorexic, or body building

So - ASK her!