How do you go on a date?

[silverfox]

I'm 20, in college, and never had a girlfriend. I feel life's opportunities are just passing by, particularly because there were a lot of beautiful girls who were interested in me (in junior high, high school, and now in college) but I never asked them out because I don't know how to date.

I know to ask a girl to do stuff together, but how do you two meet up together outside of school-do you just say the day/time/place and she'll drive there on her own until you know her better and where she lives? It sounds kind of awkward to ask for her address straight off to go pick up her at whatever time. And it also seems unspecific if you say the park since there's a lot of parks unless you say something like "Williamson Park down Franklin blvd or Century 16 theater on Bruceville Road at 2".

Can someone please clarify this, what do I say? Thank you in advance

[CLVR-HNDS_GUY]

For me has been working just lately is just asking her to dinner or something nice were you can talk and get to know each other as a person
once you have asked her and said yes then meet in town or somewhere you both can get to or to meet a resturant / cafe and the time, day.
One ex girlfriend i had went to lunch with her and someone else we both knew, saw a movie, the friend had to go and we just walked around town and spoke about things and just as easy fun afternoon. It last for about two years and we are still good friends now. The trick is no to be too keen and get to know them as a person like any mate or friend

[dancingdoc2]

> "Williamson Park down Franklin blvd or Century 16 theater on Bruceville Road at 2".

This sounds all too familiar, are you in Elk Grove?

> I never asked them out because I don't know how to date.

Are you never going to have sex because "I don't know how" to have sex?

My point being that at some point, armed with information, you have to simply take the plunge. Sex is serious business, although, a person should not take it so seriously that you cannot have fun. Please read the article on "experience". Explore and learn together. The same for asking a girl out be it the very first time ever or the very first time with this particular individual.

Nervous? One of the two most valuable classes I had in high school was a Public Speaking class. A great lesson learned was when kids were tongue tied because of fear of speaking in front of an audience. The instructor told us to walk up to the podium, greet the audience--then admit to them that you are nervous. Almost immediately you will calm down. Second, do not look at the audience as a whole; pick out one or two people and talk to them for several seconds, then pick out one or two more somewhere else and speak as if directly to them. So, whether you audience is one, three, or more, give each person eye contact for a few seconds and then look at someone else in turn. My point being, that if you are tongue tied and/or nervous sitting next to her, admit to this, and let the fear vaporize.

Everybody has a first date or a first something else that we want to do yet fear the unknown. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained". Go for it. Nobody expects perfection, just pleasantness and a show of interest.

Please read the articles on dating. All of these articles and more are listed in the Index found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. If you click on the site's Home page, you will find even more information. Also, please familiarize yourself with the FAQs, and Posting Guidelines section. Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.

> how do you two meet up together outside of school-do you just say the day/time/place and she'll drive there on her own until you know her better and where she lives? It sounds kind of awkward to ask for her address straight off to go pick up her at whatever time.

If the person is someone you encounter frequently either in the same class or on campus somewhere, then walk up and greet her, or if she is talking to someone, wait for an opening. You could also plan to just run into her accidentally on purpose.

Tell her that you would like to invite her out and ask if she would like to do this or that (fill in the blanks) on such and such a day/night (fill in the blanks), and would (A) or (B) be a better time. (Separate the two times by half an hour to an hour just in case she is busy.) Smile. Have eye contact. Be genuine and sincere and upbeat. If she seems interested although conflicted perhaps due to the date and time, ask her what will work better for her.

If she agrees, ask her if you can pick her up. If she agrees, then ask for her address and telephone number.

If she feels more comfortable meeting you somewhere, then agree to that, although, give her your phone number (no texting, no E-mail) and ask for hers--just in case plans change.

Call a day before or the morning before and confirm with the added information that you are really looking forward to doing thus and such with her! Of course, if you meet in person, so much the better.

I suppose going separately and meeting is OK, although, I envision this happening in big cities only.
If she is not going directly from work or somewhere, do plan on calling for her. Open the car door for her.

> And it also seems unspecific if you say the park since there's a lot of parks

I understand the concern, yet believe you are over thinking this and afraid to be specific. Of course you'd specify the name of the park--and, where you would like to meet and what color and type of car you are driving. So, let's meet at the main gate, or, by the entrance to the pool, or, by the BIG tree, or whatever. As for the theater, plan to meet in front of the ticket window. (There is a theater out here where I live that quite often has a waiting line for tickets along with a bunch of people milling around, coming and going, so being specific helps--even to the point of saying "I'll be wearing a bright red shirt" or something similar so you are easier to spot when walking from the parking lot.

As for what to say and talk about, ask most girls a leading question and be prepared for lots of conversation. Many women are chatty creatures by nature so all you have to do many times is ask something and then just listen. As the conversation progresses, take note and interject a question and comment. It often is just this simple.

If you happen to know what a person likes, ask if she would like to go with you on a date to do that? If you do not know, consider giving her a couple of alternatives, especially with movies. Of course sometimes there are no good alternatives when it comes to movies!

Words of warning: Do not be crass. Do not be flip. Do not monopolize the conversation. Do tell her about yourself, although not all in one sitting. Dole the information out over more than one conversation. Also, refrain from bars and liquor. Your first couple of dates are all about enjoying each others company and in getting to know more about each other.

After doing the reading, above, acquiring some information, please do not hesitate to ask any questions that come to mind. We're here to help.

-doc

[DirtDriver]

Don't take this the wrong way silverfox, but I'm going to recommend you grow a pair and relax. Life's opportunities ARE passing you by because you're too affraid to go do things, too affraid of rejection.

Sometimes you just need to throw your hesitation out the window and just go do it! Its really not that hard to ask a girl out. "Hey, wanna go grab some lunch or a cup of coffee?" Or "Hey, there's this new movie out. Wanna go see it?"

I sat behind this girl in my 12th grade History class. I knew who she was, always thought she was gorgeous, but she didn't know who I was. Everyday she came to class, her hair looking perfect and fabulous and it smelled so amazing. I finally ponied up the balls to start talking to her. I didn't put on a show or be something I wasn't. I just acted like myself. Told her funny jokes, got her to laugh and smile. One day I said to myself "I gotta move on this". So during class, I leaned forward and whispered in her ear "Could I interest you in dinner and movie this weekend?" She replied that she had other things to do. I took it as total rejection, but whatever, I'm not going to cry or lose sleep over it. A week later she turned around and said, "How about that movie this weekend?". Sweet.

You are going to get rejected sometimes, but who cares. Thats the game. Get out and play! Girls are really fun to hang out with, especially the ones you like.

[silverfox]

No, I don't think confidence is my real issue though my self-esteem did suffer. It's just that I was raised in an abusive family and we never understood each other. I was a reclusive loner and it's only not too long ago that I've fit into a social circle and started socializing and hanging out. I missed out on so many expeirences and so I don't know how to date.

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

> "Williamson Park down Franklin blvd or Century 16 theater on Bruceville Road at 2".

This sounds all too familiar, are you in Elk Grove?

Actually yes, I am in Elk Grove. I go to the local Cosumnes college. What a small world. Thank you dancingdoc for going in-depth and explaining how it works in detail. Maybe I am overthinking about it.

The feeling is horrible when there's a gorgeous girl who likes you and you didn't take the chance to ask her out or don't know what to do, it's a feeling that's hard to get over and I still beat myself up about it.

[dancingdoc2]

> The feeling is horrible when there's a gorgeous girl who likes you and you didn't take the chance to ask her out or don't know what to do, it's a feeling that's hard to get over and I still beat myself up about it.

Not to worry, this is the "why" behind this website. I'm glad you found all of us and all of these resources. Again, welcome to the community. In addition to reading all of the articles listed in the Index, I'd like you to click on EvilEvilKitten's name, Brandye's, and mine and go back and browse our replies to various people over the last week. There are two threads in particular that discuss some of what you are concerned about.

> I was raised in an abusive family and we never understood each other. I was a reclusive loner and it's only not too long ago that I've fit into a social circle and started socializing and hanging out. I missed out on so many expeirences and so I don't know how to date.

I am sorry to learn that you had a rough childhood; however, from what I read you seem to be making great strides to counteract the bad. You write well and spell correctly, are in college and appear to be pulling yourself up by your bootstraps instead of allowing the events of the past to keep you from building a great future. Kudos to you!

As for being "developmentally delayed", socially, I wouldn't be at all concerned or hard on yourself about this; it is another reason I asked you to read the article on "experience". That you are just now beginning to acquire these skills is fine. Each time you ask a different girl out, there will be a new "Square One", new interpersonal dynamics, and, new experiences. **

> I was a reclusive loner and it's only not too long ago that I've fit into a social circle and started socializing and hanging out.

Liking solitude is not necessarily bad unless it interferes with what you want to do. I grew up in the heart of the Mother Lode and living in a small town there were not many community activities for school kids, and, the sidewalks rolled up fairly early. I've always enjoyed being home alone and entertaining myself; yet having said that, I also enjoy being with friends and doing things together periodically. So, there is balance in my life, although, the two are not equal.

> I feel life's opportunities are just passing by

Many years ago when I was a retail store manager for a very well known business, I had a district manager who gave his store managers this great bit of advice: "Plan your work and work your plan." Here are some tools:

* Inform the people in your social group, as well as friends and family in general, that you are interested in dating and would like their help in introducing you to girls they know are also interested in dating. This is called "networking". The more people you have looking for you, the greater your chances of finding people to date.

* Join and become involved in clubs and activities in which girls also participate. (See above) Select activities that support your interest(s) and/or something you want to know more about.

* Dating is an ongoing process in which people come and people go. Sometimes a date will be a one-time event, maybe two or three, most will end eventually. Please understand two things about this; first, expect that most people you date will not be a match and that you will usually learn this after the first, second, or, third date; second, do not expect too much too soon. Develop a friendship with each person and let a relationship if any develop over time as a natural progression.

* If it is obvious that a person is not a match at the end of the first or first few dates, do not get all disappointed or depressed about this. Enjoy the time you spent together knowing you had a better time than had you stayed home and watched reruns on TV.

* Understand that not every first invitation to go out will be successful. If your invitation is declined, do not take it personally. Thank the person and ask the next person in line--and so on and on.

* Dating is all about sampling what humanity has to offer us in potential mates. The process exposes us to lots of different characters, likes, dislikes, values, goals, morals, ideals, etc. so that when Mr./Ms. Right does come along we will be better able to recognize the person by knowing first and foremost what we are looking for in a person and what we like and value in others.

**Please do not think you are getting a late start in life. Consider that you are approaching Square One. Because each is unique unto itself, it doesn't much matter that there were others or that this is the first. What is important is that you learn from each in order to make future dates with other people more valuable and easier going. Eventually, one or two people will end up in a relationship with you, and of these, one will be a keeper.

This is all for this edition. Thank you for the additional information. All too often we ask a poster for clarification or more information and never hear back. Please do not hesitate to ask questions. We are here to pay it forward so to speak and make life easier for those coming up thru the ranks than it may have been for us.


When are you going to see this girl and ask her out?

-doc

[EvilEvilKitten]

Please understand that rejection may not be 'personal' after all she doesn't know you yet so how could it be 'personal'? It could just be chemistry about which no one can do anything.

Also, look at this from her point of view - she may feel somewhat hesitant not because it is you, because she doesn't know you, but it could be her - as in she's dealing with her own issues right now.

But - there's little harm in ASKING in any case.

SO ASK!

[silverfox]

When are you going to see this girl and ask her out?

That I'm still working on. It's not rejection I'm afraid of but at least now I have a better understanding of how things work out. Thank you all for your support.

[dancingdoc2]

As for my part, you're welcome.
Please keep us in the loop and let us know how things work out.

As for your part, please do not hesitate to discuss any other questions you may have. There is a wealth of experience and knowledge here, to help you and others. So, question away, or feel free to bounce things off of us.

[EvilEvilKitten]

So you think you might look like an idiot? Hey, happens to us all but "faintheart ne'er won fair maid". So fear nothing and venture forth - she can't eat you after all.