Inquiry: a dating relationship that went awry...

[Mr.Curtis]

Hello sex info community,

I write to you because a while ago I had a problem with girl I went on a date with and did my best to resolve it with the advice given to my friends at the time. However, my group of friends are much younger than me, so I'm doubting that I received good guidance. Looking back on the experience I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently. Perhaps someone of this community has better wisdom.

[for the sake of privacy the names I write are not the indiviudal(s)' real name(s)]

While I was in college, a friend named Rick recommended that I ask out this girl Claire on a date. She is a petite blond girl who is cute and timid. I've seen her around before, but we've never talked. My friend said though that she is interested in a lot of the things I'm into; I rationalized that I should at least go out on a date and see what kind of girl she is. With his encouragement I asked her out to the upcoming dance, which was on the upcoming Friday night- she said yes.

The date overall was a great success. We had fun at the dance, walked to my apartment where we cuddled and talked. Later in the night we had sex, including a good deal of foreplay. Afterwards I noticed it was really late, so I suggested I walk her home. I told her I had a great time tonight and would like to go out again in the near future; She agreed as well. I kissed her good night and walked home.

I waited till the start of the following week to call her cell phone, but I recieved no answer. Neither did she seem to have any voicemail option. I figured she was busy with school so I waited till the end of the week to try calling again; same result. I put off trying to contact her again after that and occupied myself with my routine school work. The second weekend following the date I spent an evening with another girl, Amy and had sex. Prior (several months prior) to this, we were friends mutually agreed to have a sexual relationship; we weren't exclusive to one another nor were there any emotional attachments.

Sometime after this gossip about this broke out in which my friend approached me; He explained that Claire learned about it and was very upset. I sat down with Rick and other close friends and talked about it; I wanted their opinion about the matter and advice about what to do. They agreed that I was at fault; The thought I didn't put enough effort in trying to reach her and should've remained committed to this dating relationship. I objected that it was not any of her business until we agree to be an actual couple. Their answer to that is going on that date and having sex was the initiation of being a couple and an act of being committed.

After some painful effort to communicate to her (I dont have texting on my phone and apparently the only effective way to reach her is texting, so I texted her through Rick as a proxy- it was quite a inefficient way of communicating) I arranged a sitdown to talk to her face to face. I shared with her my point of view, asked for hers and listened to what she had to say. In the end I apologized for having hurt her feelings. We never dated again regrettably, but I thought that at least we made peace and moved on.

I'm getting the impression that really isn't the case. I'm quite alienated from anyone within her sphere of friends and a "sex chart" was posted at a club office room ( a club we're both affiliated with), which listed members' names and marked who had sex with whom. My name and Claire's were paired in the chart. Luckily the poster was pulled down promptly after; I wasn't the only one who found it distasteful.

With all this juvenile behavior now past, I can't help but feel that I should've done something. I feel like I've been wrongfully vilified and my talk with Claire didn't actually accomplish anything.

What do you think I should do, in regards to this and how to avoid this kind of dilemma in the future.

[Massdebator]

It is not wholly the responsibility of the man to make contact with the other individual. Claire could've made more of an effort to contact you, and you gave her a few weeks in which to do so. It's not like you didn't try to do the same yourself. She also could've mentioned that she can't be reliably reached by any means other than text messages as well. Going to her house without invitation, reaching her through other individuals, and the like all seem a little excess in your case. I, like you, would have thought it safe to assume she wasn't as interested in a dating relationship as I was, had I been you.

An adult's sex life is nobody else's concern unless they are in a committed relationship with said adult. You were in the clear in having some consensual fun with a friend, especially since you had no reason to assume "Claire" had any further interest in you anyway. Just because Claire and her friends aren't as mature about sex as you, doesn't mean you should feel guilty. You can't please them all, as they say, so move on and find pleasure elsewhere.

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. If you click on the site's Home page you will find even more information.

I'm not sure who owns the fault, yet tend to believe that she owns part as do you. If she really wanted to hear from you (or family or friends or whomever) she cannot realistically expect a business person or certain others to text her. I don't text and do not plan to--ever. If not by telephone, E-mail is as good as it gets. That said, she should have provided a way to contact her directly by land line or cell. If you have her address or know where to find her on campus, then you should have tried to meet up with her in person by showing some initiative. (Remember this for the future.)

Please read the articles listed in the Index concerning dating. I agree with the post, above. Unless and until a couple become exclusive having made that agreement only after finding Mr. and Ms. Right, and after deciding to settle down, all dating is open ended. I wrote a lengthy reply yesterday to another poster. Please go back thru my replies and read the two-part response, in addition.

Her reaction to you have sex with someone else was a complete over reaction. Perhaps she should also read the articles listed in the Index for more information on this and other matters of the heart.

> What do you think I should do, in regards to this and how to avoid this kind of dilemma in the future.

First things first: if you want to try one last time to come to terms with this girl, seek her out, go to her, set up a time to talk and then "communicate" all this to her. Relationships are cooperative partnerships. If she thinks there is something to be had for her in dating you, she will let you talk to her; if not, then thank her for the one enjoyable evening and move on to the next person in line and put your additional information to use.

Last things last: I think this has been answered, above. With each new date, ask for contact information as well as what time of day/evening is a good time to call--then verify the number and other information.

Take more initiative, although, I rather doubt you will find many people who only want to be contacted by text message. That is just--well, idiotic and juvenile.

Please feel free to ask additional questions should you have any after you do your reading assignment.

-doc

[Mr.Curtis]

I admitted fault about how I tried to communicate with her; I should've taken initiative and went to her apartment or something. Even if she wasn't there I could have left a message to suitemate/ roomate.

[dancingdoc2]

Yup! We live and learn to date, again. If this doesn't work out, continue dating others. If this is the end of a one time date, do not take it personally. Enjoy it for what it was, learn from it and move on.

No one is a mind reader. Learn early to communicate with your date or girlfriend. It is much better to know facts than to assume or jump to conclusions, or, to simply wonder.... Personally, and without knowing any more than what you have stated, I'd move on to the next person in line. Why? Two reasons. R#1: She did not give clear or reliable ways to contact her; R#2: because of her reaction to learning after one evening with you that you had dated or at least been in the company of another woman and getting snippy. There is no exclusivity when casually dating.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Several points come to mind:

1. She could have called you back.

2. It is not her place to tell you what you can do on your own time

3. Get a better phone

4. Stop involving others in your love life especially kids.

Frankly, Claire isn't so timid since she went to bed with you on the first date so stop buying into her "poor little me" game. We all know why she does it but if you 'buy into it' she will not respect you. Stop going to bed with girls on the first date anyway. Wait for the second date which you have already provisionally planned before the first date ends. If the first date went well, immediately (before saying goodbye when on the first date) ask her out to a specific place, date, and time as the second date. Secure a future meeting with the girl before you leave.

[dancingdoc2]

And in addition, and because we do not know how old you are, and what your moral, social, ethical, and religious values are, keep foremost in your mind that going to bed with someone on the first date involves risks.

When two people engage in sex, we accept that not only are we having sex with this particular individual, we are also having sex with every other person s/he has ever been with--AND every person all of these people have been with, ad infinitum!

Always look out for and protect #1--YOU. Moreover, it is a good idea to look out for her as well by insisting that your partner is using a highly reliable form of contraception. At no other time than during the teen years and early twenties is a woman more apt to become pregnant. So, in addition to protecting each of you, you should also insist on backup. Use a third line of protection in the form of a spermicide. Personally, I wouldn't go all the way with someone I just met and certainly not until I had some sort of history on her, and not until I had time to acquire some trust and believability in what she has told me. Ya just can't be too careful nowadays. This is a small price to pay and a small inconvenience to endure in order to minimize any chances of picking up some cooties that you either cannot cure or will cost much to do so. There is fault with the logic that either party uses to convince themselves that only one birth control method is sufficient, be it hers or yours; a lot of unwanted pregnancies and births have resulted from following this notion. Pulling out or withdrawal? Forget that. This is simply a version of Russian Roulette! Anytime you point an uncovered penis toward the general area of a woman's vulva, it is not unlike pointing a fully loaded cannon in which you run the good chance of having it fire off accidentally. The "ammo" will often find its way to the "target": her vagina, cervix, and beyond.

As great as intercourse is, a good combination of oral and hand stimulation produce much more intense orgasms. Intercourse has more to do with emotional expression and commitment. For more on the subject, please refer to the Index.

[Mr.Curtis]

if it helps you, I'm 23

[DirtDriver]

First of all I agree with the Kitten. This girl had her chance. You put forth a valiant effort to get back in touch with her. Apparently her phone is broken too. I wouldn't waste my time on this chick, just let it go.

The fact that she put out on the first date, is like a huge red flag in my book. Is it great to get right to the point and have sex on a first date, sure. But thats not how I want to start a relationship.

It's one thing to go on a date, and not have sex, and she doesn't get back in touch with you. But to go on a date, have sex, and then her not even try to get in touch with you? Thats a red flag. Move on and forget about her "feelings" over the matter.