Dating question (not just being "a friend")

[Kitt]

Personally i have not actually dated before to cut a long story short i found girl in a pub over a year ago, slept with her (we were extremly drunk) and things kind of progressed fom there really to the point where i was seeing her everyother day, not nessacarily sleeping together just enjoying eachothers company. This relationship didnt work out because she had to move away with her family.

My question is: How can i get a girl to realise i like her without it always coming across as "A friend" every single girl i have ever liked since her has given me the same speech when i tell them i like them i like them "You are are a really great guy but i like you as a friend" because my chance fell into my lap i have never had to actually tell a girl that i like her and go out dating.

Whatever i'm doing its not working...I don't want a relationship now after my latest rejection :P. But i want to know how should i act what should i do because people say act distant where as others say do what you are doing now it will work eventually. As i said i have given trying, a break for the miniute. i want to know just incase i do meet somone who i may like to go out with. I don't want to miss my window and be forever stuck in the friend zone AGAIN :@

[dancingdoc2]

Please read the articles listed in the Index on the topic of dating.

Please understand that dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating is an ongoing process that involves one or two people at a time until Mr./Ms. Right comes along. How will we know this individual? By learning from all the other people what humanity has to offer us and by sampling their characteristics, likes, dislikes, goals, quirks, etc., in order to discover what we like and would like in a partner.

Becoming friends, first, before lovers, is key to beginning a successful relationship. If the relationship does not move beyond a casual friendship then there is probably a reason, the most likely of which is a lack of "chemistry". So, continue to date and to date as many people as possible. Understand that in doing so people will come and go so there will be some temporary unhappiness or disappointment with some, perhaps. If you are knocked off your center by the failure then you are placing much too much emotional content into each burgeoning relationship before it is warranted. Slow down!

> How can i get a girl to realise i like her without it always coming across as "A friend"

By actions, words (telling her how you feel about her), and deeds.

As noted, slow down! develop a friendship, get to know each other better, learn to appreciate each other, to do things together that you like, and in so doing to answer each of your needs to form a partnership greater than the sum of its two parts.

[dancingdoc2]

> As noted, slow down! develop a friendship, get to know each other better, learn to appreciate each other, to do things together that you like, and in so doing to answer each of your needs to form a partnership greater than the sum of its two parts.

I've been at this "pay it forward" business for a number of years and what I have learned in part is that way too many teens and young adults believe that a boy- girlfriend relationship comes right after saying "Hello" and deciding the other person is attractive, "hot", etc., and you want him/her and therefore put all your emotional eggs into the relationship prematurely. Part and parcel with this is "ownership": "I'm her boyfriend" or "she's my girl" and s/he better not be talking to or looking at or being friends with any other person of the opposite gender.

A relationship is an extension of an initial friendship. As the friendship broadens and deepens, so too does the desire to be with each other and to make their life better, yours as a result, resulting in individual lives that become better than the sum of their two parts. A successful and happy relationship exists because the two individuals involved desire it, and, work at it. ("To be with each other" does not mean smothering your partner with a constant continual presence or being demanding, restrictive, and, controlling. It means in part, establishing "a mutual admiration society" to quote an old saying, in which you wake up each morning and ask yourself "what can I do today to make his/her life better--then doing it. It means being there for them yet not being in their face or hanging on and clingy.

Bottom line: A relationship grows over time. You shouldn't just jump into one without getting to know each other really well, first and foremost--as friends. Then, as the friendship grows, let the togetherness aspect blossom as a result if it is to do this, or, allow the friendship to continue or not. Either way, continue to date. The process is ongoing until Mr./Ms. Right comes along.

My advice to every boy and girl, man and woman, looking for a partnership is to get "down and friendly" as a prerequisite, then if something more is to become of this--it will, naturally as an extension. This does not mean the two of you cannot or should not talk about how you feel about the other or for what you would like to see happen, just don't push it or make the relationship the primary goal. You don't want a relationship without a strong friendship as a foundation like so many people end up doing. This is what gets relationships into trouble!

Strong relationships are mutual arrangements. They exist because the two individuals involved desire it. Good relationships are cooperative and formed by autonomous (free standing self supporting) people. Relationships require guidance, not bosses.

[Grim]

Sorry to contradict you Doc, but I used to have the very same problem until that last few years and I would like to share my own solution:
After many attempts I eventually figured that once you're a trusted friend to a girl, you're not going to get anywhere with her. I found out that the best way is being honest about your intentions from the start - If you'll just talk about her problems and pretend that you're not imagining her naked when you talk to her, she'll think that you probably want to just be a friend and you'll lose your chance with her.

Sorry if this offends certain girls on this forum, this is just my personal experience.

[Mr.Curtis]

You are right...in a way. A girl would certainly be like that, but girls haven't grown up yet, so adolescent behavior is to be expected.
I'd argue though that your synopsis and solution regarding females are wrong when pertaining to mature adults

[EvilEvilKitten]

Girls and women ALWAYS assume a guy wants to get into her pants - and will forget her as soon as he gets in them. Rightly or wrongly, that's what she thinks. This scares/annoys some of them. So they will strong-arm you by saying "just a friend".

HELLO - do not necessarily accept it. This COULD be her way of testing you to see what kind of guy you are. If you drop her after she says that - well, she was right about you wasn't she? That was the point Doc was making.

You're in "the friend zone" when you cave in to her every whim, let her cry on your shoulder, and generally act like a little lapdog. Don't do it.

Being "nice" means having good manners it does not mean 'leave your masculinity at home'. Nothing beats the 'gravitas' of a full grown adult male and women almost always respond positively to the man who has it. SO GET SOME.

Know the kind of woman you want. Know where to go hunt for her.
Plan your hunt then hunt your plan. Do NOT settle for less.

[DirtDriver]

The "friend zone" is just a zone that you go to when she's not interested. When she says "I just like you as a friend" read - "I'm not interested in a relationship other than being friends."

First of all, be yourself. Don't try to impress her, don't try to act like the type of guy you think she is looking for. Just be yourself. There is nothing wrong with becoming friends with a girl before beginning a relationship. Thats how my wife and I found each other. We were friends, for awhile anyway. Over time, we develop a fond attraction to each other because we always enjoyed each others company and we had a lot in common. One day, we were in a theme park having some fun. Hopped on a roller coaster and as it was going up she grabbed my hand. I reached over and kissed her. I had wanted to do it for quite sometime, but wasn't sure how she'd react. So I just did it. Afterwards she said that if I didn't do that soon, she was going to scream.

You have to find someone you have a connection with emotionally first. And that doesn't mean acting like a pussy and doing anything and everything for her. You don't have to go out of your way to prove something to her. Become friends, but don't act like a girlfriend. Act like a guy who is there for her, a guy who cares about her and a guy who can protect and provide for her. I found that after becoming friends with a girl you're interested in, you have to slowly start to be affectionate towards her. Hint at the interest. Like hold her hand sometime, compliment her on how cute or sexy she looks in an outfit. Start dropping hints that "Hey, I'm intersted." Don't give the impression that you just want to have sex with her. Show her that you are interested in HER, not just her body.

It is very difficult to understand women sometimes, so don't try and figure it out. Instead, just act normal, be yourself. Be considerate, and when you become friends with a girl you like, give her a few hints from time to time, but don't wait forever. I was friends with my wife for a year before we actually became a couple. It was a long year, but we had a lot of fun and we hung out a few times a week. She knew I liked her, she just waited for me to make the move. I asked her once why she didn't shove me off during that first year, and she said that she was really impressed that I didn't try to get in her pants at anytime. She also had a really big crush on me and was happy just to have me anyway she could.

This is why I don't think the "friends zone" really exsists. Its a way of saying, you're a nice person and I enjoy being your friend, but I'm not interested in being your lover. Either the attraction is there or it isn't. Most importantly, stop worrying about it and stop trying so hard. And you probably wouldn't want to date or marry the first girl to sleep with you from the bar. Not saying that all people that do that are bad, but I find it hard to develop and emotional connection after you've already been in the sack with her. Alcohol influences the brain, impairs judgement and affects decision making. So you can't assume that the girl you had sex with while drunk is actually going to like you in the morning.