Not Sure if This is in the Right Spot... You Tell Me

[lunahime313]

So... I am not sure if this would be considered in the Dating Page or the Long-Term Relationship Page... So I'll just post it here.
The story goes like this, I dated this guy for like 5 years. Crazy about each other, planning lives together and what not, but there were a few set backs (letting his mother run the show) that drew me away from him. It was hurting me for way too long and I had other things to worry about.
Well... it's been almost 4 months and in that time he has been doing so much for himself (back to school, told his mom to "fuck off", etc, whatever was the big damper of our relationship). I never stopped loving him, but I was tired of the bull shit; I wasn't sure if he was 100% in the relationship. Apparently he wants to be. Recognizing all of his mess ups and is willing to do anything to get me back...

I'm thinking about taking him back.

But wait?! How do I know if this is for real? What if he breaks my heart again?

Jumping back where we left off would let him think that everything is alright... of which it isn't 100%. So then the next thing is to take it slow, like we starting all over again (right?)? So how slow, considering? You guys tell me!

[dancingdoc2]

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Originally Posted by lunahime313

So... I am not sure if this would be considered in the Dating Page or the Long-Term Relationship Page... So I'll just post it here.

This is fine.

The story goes like this, I dated this guy for like 5 years. Crazy about each other, planning lives together and what not, but there were a few set backs (letting his mother run the show) that drew me away from him. It was hurting me for way too long and I had other things to worry about.
Well... it's been almost 4 months and in that time he has been doing so much for himself (back to school, told his mom to "f**** off", etc, whatever was the big damper of our relationship). I never stopped loving him, but I was tired of the bull ****; I wasn't sure if he was 100% in the relationship. Apparently he wants to be. Recognizing all of his mess ups and is willing to do anything to get me back...

I'm thinking about taking him back.

But wait?! How do I know if this is for real? What if he breaks my heart again?

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Give him a year to see if he has made the changes to his life that you deem necessary. You want to observe his behavior and attitude, AND, whether the new changes have become second nature or at the very least a conscious decision at the appropriate time.

Jumping back where we left off would let him think that everything is alright... of which it isn't 100%. So then the next thing is to take it slow, like we starting all over again (right?)? So how slow, considering? You guys tell me!

Have a talk and let him know what changes have to be made. He will do better if you lay the dots out close together, and connect them. We guys need this.

Yes, begin anew.

How long? See above. Time is required to adopt the changes.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

-doc

[lunahime313]

He has made a significant amounts of improvement with the changes that needed to be made (things he already knew were a problem); of which make me really happy.
... If you think about it, it's very similar to what happens in romantic comedies, where the guy knew he blew it and does all the things that need to fixed done, and he shows it to his lady... Yeah. It's kinda unreal.
I was initially planning on giving it a year, I mean, it's been 4 months already. It will be a challenge!

Keeping that in mind, here are my questions:
* is it safe to date him (go out on dates, keeping in mind we are currently 300 miles away from each other, so it isn't much a threat)

*physical? Now, I am not saying can we have sex... that is something I don't/can't give away for free, but yeah... starting anew, means climbing the ladder/running the bases of the relationship, what is safe?

[dancingdoc2]

All any one wishing to reply know of this man is what you have related, and, what statistical observations have on the books regarding such problems and their solutions.

> is it safe to date him (go out on dates, keeping in mind we are currently 300 miles away from each other, so it isn't much a threat)

How do you date someone 300 miles apart on any regular basis without one of you "going the distance"? Na, I think this is so much wishful thinking and hoping things will be OK. Better me thinks to wait the year, keep in contact if you want, and one of you moving to be nearby the other. (Keep in mind that for all tense and purposes, this IS a new relationship and should be managed as such.)

> Now, I am not saying can we have sex... that is something I don't/can't give away for free, but yeah... starting anew, means climbing the ladder/running the bases of the relationship, what is safe?

If you did not know him (which in a new relationship you wouldn't) what would be your course of action with him or any other man? What is your so called measuring stick used for making this decision?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Basing one's life on romantic comedies isn't a terribly rational choice and if he's making all of these changes 'to get you back' that doesn't make him much of a man which you agree with since you're wanting to make sure that you stay in power always because face it, "you don't give it away for free" - meaning "he has to pay' in some form or other, and you don't want your poor little heart broken again. "Bless your heart."

Hey, boyfriend - run for your life! You'd be trading in your mother for this girlfriend. THEY'RE TWO OF THE SAME KIND.

Now then, there is no 'safety' to be had, not when it comes to forging a life together. The only question you have to answer is DO YOU HAVE THE COURAGE to take this man AS HE IS without changes and love him for ALL that he is for the rest of your days?

If yes, then go for it! If not, let him go.
Step up or step out.