Attached to first sex partner

[Aquarius]

So I had sex for the first time when I was 25 and now I am 27. It was a long distance relationship and we talked over IM and the phone for three months before we met. We aren't exclusive anymore but still talk and visit each other at least twice a year. He will act all mushy towards me like he wants a relationship but neither of us is willing to move. He will text me often and say he misses me and loves me. He says he loves me but is not in love with me. That was so hurtful to hear because I was in love with him and part of me still is.

We will have arguments and his attitude and mood swings will make him be so disrespectful to me and I'll tell myself that I'm done and never want to or will ever see him again. But then he calls or texts me and all my feelings for him come rushing back.

Is it normal to feel this way about your first sex partner? I waited 25 years to have sex because no other guys felt right. I know I'm wasting my time but these feelings just don't go away. Has/does anyone else had/have this same connection to your first sex partner?

I'll start dating someone and I know I sure wouldn't want them talking to their first sex partner or ex but yet I can't imagine my life without having contact with him. Or is it even necessary to cut him off if I'm dating someone?

I appreciate your input and advice!!

[sexykitten]

Well, I'm not in my twenties, but I know what you're talking about. I waited until just after my 18th birthday to have sex. It was with this guy who has been my best friend for a few years now...like, we're practically the same person. And we started dating...and after about a year, we finally took that next step. It wasn't his first time, as I knew (he was kinda notorious for being a manwhore), but he always told me about how he loved me and how he would never do anything to hurt me. Well, he's a few months younger than me, and therefore a year below me in school. So when I moved to college, he decided long distance wasn't something he wanted to do, and we broke it off, but remained best friends.

He is the first man I've truly been in love with, and the first one that I've trusted completely (and due to some past relationship experiences, trust is hard to gain from me). He randomly tells me that he misses me and that he will always love me like he has never loved anyone else, but then he does things that make it seem like he has never really cared at all. At the same time, I know for a fact that he never cheated on me as he did on other girls, and I can't help but tell myself that it means something.

We've been apart for almost 6 months now, and every once in a while I can't help but pick up my phone and call him or text him. We still go to each other for advice and all that, like best friends do, but for the first couple months, I didn't talk to him much at all. Every once in a while, I look back on it and it still kinda hurts. However, we both want completely different things, and neither of us are willing to make that compromise for the other (he is more logical whereas I am more emotional, he is more flings and I am more serious, he is more career, I am more family, etc etc).

I will give to you the same advice that I was told by my other best friend (granted, she hasn't been in this situation, but what she said made a lot of sense to me). If you are going to move on, you need to get over that first relationship. Is it really him that you miss, or is it what you shared? For me, it isn't really that I missed having him as my boyfriend, but more that I missed that connection and feeling of love and trust we shared. When I realized that it wasn't him I missed, I was able to move on, convinced that one day I would find that connection again with someone who I was truly meant to be with. Now I'm with another friend (one of our mutual friends, oddly enough), and I'm quite happy.

You need to figure out what the issue is for you. If it's that you miss him, you need to do something about it. If it's that you miss what you had, then you need to move on. Resist the temptation to constantly be in touch with him for a couple months, and then slowly ease back to your friendship. And if you're in a relationship with someone else, well, in my opinion if they aren't okay with the fact that you have friends of the opposite sex then they need a reality check. Everyone should know that their partner has past experiences, but they should also see that it probably has no effect on them now.

I hope this helps. I sympathize with you my dear. =]

[EvilEvilKitten]

Stop having such a narrow vision of life, love and sex.

The first partner is going to be 'special' but only because he/she was your first partner not because of anything salient about him/her. You are currently hung up on how you felt, not on him.

If anyone's jealous because you're talking with your ex, then you need to get rid of him. Anyone who needs their existence validated by another is insecure.
Which is something you need to consider because you seem to get hung up on feelings a lot! - waiting until you're 25 for example because 'they didn't feel right'. Now you're going through what most 14 year old are going through but you're 27 years of age not 14.

You will 'get over' this. We all do. But you will find it easier if you stop lumping love and sex together, and stop thinking that your life gets longer if you wait. It doesn't. Menopause waits for no woman.

So get out there and find some more men to play with!

[wet_suit_one]

What EEK said.

I could say more, but EEK said it better.

Such a wise woman EEK. Where were you in my salad days?

Glad I'm privy to your wisdom now.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Not in The Frozen North, WSO!

[sexykitten]

Well I'm not trying to be disrespectful or anything, but I'm going to have to disagree. While I think that it's important to understand the difference between sex and love, I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting until you find the right person. I mean, would you really want your first time to be in the arms of a man you can't trust or you care nothing about? I don't know if I'm understanding you right, EEK, but it sounds to me like you're saying that there should be no emotion such as love in a person's first time...which is to me the reason that kids are having sex younger and younger, and I see a problem with that...

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yet without any experience - how do you know this person is right whereas that other guy is wrong? While instinct is sometimes good - that's only some times.

Care nothing about? Hey, I'm not marrying him! I'm completing my education and nothing more. Trust him? Why or why not? What's there to trust about?
He's pretty much my age and he wants this to go well as much as I do. Mutual self interest.

No, I am saying there is TOO MUCH emotion invested in what should be FUN but kept light.

[sexykitten]

Well, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I was always taught that the first time should be with someone you love enough and trust, but I was always told that young love is much different than mature love too. So maybe that is where our lines are crossing. =]

[mikkiji]

I was 21 when I first had sex, and it was with my best friend since I was 16, we'd been co-editors of our high school yearbook, but never dated, were only really close friends. She'd had many partners in college, but I'd struck out and was a bit gun-shy by then. Maybe she took pity on me, or maybe by then we'd started to realize that our friendship was way more meaningful than we'd ever realized, but, yes, I got very hung up on her, being my first, so much so that I married her within the year and we were together for 34 years, until she passed away 3 years ago. I never regretted marrying my first lover, never had second thoughts. We made each other very happy, raised 2 great kids together, saw one another through rich and poor, sickness and health. She died in my arms, and we loved each other more than we did the day we first became lovers.
Michael

[EvilEvilKitten]

I always was more rational than most but I also challenged everything I was 'taught' - if it wasn't logical or didn't make sense, I didn't buy into it.