Naive to date a fromer cheater?

[Orangekrush]

First let me say what a great tool this message board is. I've browsed here several times over the years and am always impressed by the insightful advice that is given. I'll try to keep my story short and to the point...

I have been friends with a man for about three years. We met in college while volunteering at an after school program, became friends and I developed a bit of a crush on him. However, he had just started dating his girlfriend so I let myself enjoy my feelings for a couple weeks before shutting them down before I got serious about him (crushes are supposed to be fun, right?).

We became close friends and about a year later he told me that he he liked another woman but didn't want to break up with his girlfriend. He ended up having sex with this other woman once and about two weeks after that broke it off with her. He said the incident made him realize he needed to put more effort into his current relationship.

About four months ago he broke up with his girlfriend but never told her about the infidelity. A few days ago he told me that he'd had feelings for me for a while and that he'd struggled with staying with his girlfriend or leaving her for me for most of duration of our friendship. We have great chemistry, a sound friendship, and I've always found him attractive, if not actually attracted to him because of his relationship status.

I would say yes to dating him but his previous indiscretion gnaws at me. So, would it be naive to believe he won't cheat on me? Or am I being too rash with the idea of "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

Thanks for listening.

[CleverName]

Well honestly, you know him better then we do. It's up to you to determine if a relationship with him is in your best intrerest.

I don't know the guy, but I know human nature. If it happens once, why wouldn't it happen again? Unless some revalation overcame him, he will be the same person as he was.

You could talk to him about how you feel, see what happens.

[Buck Naked]

As already stated, you would know this person better then anyone on here. The only thing I can tell you that may help is that I was a "cheater" when I was younger. I have been with my wife for over a decade and we've been married for 8+ of those years and I've never even had the thought cross my mind. The moment I committed to her I knew I was done looking. Some guys cheat because they are asses, and some cheat because they know they haven't found the right person and they're still looking. I was the latter and I have been 110% faithful since I found her. I guess you would know what kind of guy he is.

[dancingdoc2]

"The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." {Dr. Phil)
Until a fella finds Ms. Right, as in Buck's case and most others at one time or another, I'd say trust him as far as you can throw him.

Dating more than one person at a time is why I wrote the article on Exclusivity and not.

[EvilEvilKitten]

What is wrong with you!!! THEY WERE NOT MARRIED. Infidelity my #&$.

Until you have exchanged vows, infidelity does not exist.
You do NOT own the person you're dating and have no more right to tell him what he can and cannot do than he can tell you what to do.

You're not 13 anymore so 'his infidelity gnaws at me' is something YOU have to get over before you date anyone. Demanding fidelity from the start says "I can't compete", "I'm not good enough to hold his attention for more than 5 minutes", and "I'm clingy." Now, if you don't mind being thought of that way, fine. But don't you think it would work out better if you had a bit of self-esteem?

A single man had a fling - not front page news.

If you want him - take him.

[Brandye]

Evile is quite right. There is no issue with "cheating." What you need to be concerned with is a rebound relationship. They are not usually enduring, if that is what you had in mind.

[Shnitzel]

So then in short, what your saying is. You cant cheat on someone unless you are married?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Of course!

Dating is for social education, to find out if you like him and to have fun.
The Engagement is the trial period to see if you can stand being together 24/7/365 without strangling each other.

Either of the above you get to just walk away.

Only in marriage can fidelity or infidelity become an issue.

[Shnitzel]

So, lets say if your being cheated on Evil. Would you have the right to get mad? or you would understand that nothing is in stone until your married? I have cheated in the past and i need to know how bad I should or should not feel about it.

Let me correct myself..I know its not tech cheating. But you get my point right?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Excuse me? Feel bad about what? I don't own him and what he does on his own time is his business. I am not going to worry about it. Hun, I've been married to the same man for more than 30 years - cheated on? I don't know. Do I care? No. Does he go off on his own? Yes. For days? No. Does he see his high school ex-girlfriends alone? Yes, periodically.

He's with me because he CHOOSES to be with me.
I am with him because I CHOOSE to be with him.

Not because we MUST but because we WANT.
As soon as you begin thinking "cheating" you begin going down the path of MUST then the erosion of trust and love between you starts.

You feel what you want to feel just think about the consequences before you cut loose.
(Putting a leash on your bf/gf or spouse means you're insecure and I am not insecure.)