Is it too soon to stay the night together?

[Aquarius]

So I recently started dating this guy. Our first date was the Saturday after Thanksgiving and we were together for 6 hours just having amazing conversations. The second date we went to a movie and just hung out and were again together for 6 hours. Our third time together we hung out at his place. We did end up having sex and I stayed the night.

The thing is that I still live at home in order to save money to move out. Of course while living under my mother's roof I have to follow her rules and this requires calling and letting her know where I am. Well, when I stayed the night at this guy's place the other night my mom was not pleased with me at all. She thinks it's too soon to be staying the night together. Is she right? Is it too soon? Or is it because she grew up during another time when you didn't do that? I'm 26 years old and hate that I have to worry about not disappointing my mother and doing things she doesn't approve of. I've not really had a serious relationship where this has come up. I was in a LTR and before that had bf's in high school but nothing serious.

I have an awesome relationship with my mom and tell her anything. I haven't told her I had sex with this new guy because I know she would disagree with that decision because it's too soon. Do I just confess and tell her that we have had sex? Will that make her not so worried about me staying the night at his place then?

Is it too soon to stay the night at his place? Please help me!! I greatly appreciate everyone's input!!

[Brandye]

I am not a mother so will not comment from that perspective. I have been a daughter for a long time and a woman just as long.

At 26, where and with whom you sleep is your business and yours' alone. Now, figure out how to live on your own making this issue moot.

[lnt1103]

As the saying goes......Been there, done that, have the tee shirt.

First time I stayed the night with a man, at 28 I think, she literally cried when I told her that was my plan (I told her while I was packing my overnight bag because, well, that's hard to miss going out the door). Well, technically, her very first reaction was 'No', like she had the authority to tell me that. THEN when I kept my plan, was when she started to cry. It was a Saturday night, and she couldn't bring herself to go to church the next morning because she couldn't figure out how to explain my absence.

She didn't like it, but guess what? She got over it, and she still loves me just as much as she always has. When I told my older sister, her reply was "Adult choices".

And trust me hun, your mom knows you had sex. Unless she's naive or lying to herself.

The reality is, you're not a minor anymore by a LONG shot, and both you and your mother are going to have to accept that and begin to act accordingly. I flat out told my mother that I was not asking her permission and didn't need it, but rather I was letting her know of my whereabouts out of respect for her and for the fact it was her house.

I moved out a year ago, and moved in with my boyfriend, a now 2 year relationship, 180 miles away. She doesn't like me living with a man unmarried. But again, it's not her choice. She's living with it the best she can muster. Over the weekend I went back to town for a visit and attended her work Christmas party. One of the men she works with thought I'd gotten engaged and I said no, living together but not engaged. I told my mom that story and her reply was 'oh well THANKS, why don't you just BROADCAST it'. Bottom line is she's embarrassed by it. But I don't give a damn. I'm 31 and these ADULT CHOICES are mine to make, with no reason for her to be embarrassed. And if she's so afraid of looking like a bad mother because her 31 year old daughter lives unmarried with a man, she can stop dragging me to functions with her friends.

If your mom isn't quite that overbearing, this may sound kind of harsh. I have long since gotten tired of her behavior toward this issue, and toward my independence of her in general.

[Aquarius]

Yeah my mom is fine with the whole living together before being engaged or married. I think her main thing is that she worries that I'll jump head first into this relationship way too fast and then get hurt. I admit that in past relationships I fell fast and hard. But I've learned. Plus can you really control who you fall in love with and when? I slept with this guy because it felt right even though it was so soon. I was a virgin until 25 so I don't take the whole sex thing lightly. I'm not sleeping around with any guy because I want it to mean something. But then that contradicts myself because some would say how can you tell it means something when you have sex on your second date?

I'm the youngest and I guess it's also partially that I'm her baby. LOL But you and Brandye are right. I am an adult and what I do and with whom is my decision. I just hate that look and tone in her voice of disappoinment. Ugh! LOL Can't please everyone I guess.

Thanks for the advice ladies!!

[mikkiji]

I have a 26 year old daughter, and I'm not so old that I grew up when things were very different at all--in fact, my wife and I lived together for a year while we were still undergraduates, me 21 and her 20! I trust my daughter, and when she comes to visit, I just ask that she lets me know where she is and if or when she'll be home. I ask the same of my son, who is only 19--I treat them as adults and trust that they can adequately handle the responsibilities which accompany that status. Who you sleep with after how many dates is, at your age, none of mommy's beeswax...
Michael

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by Aquarius

I'm the youngest and I guess it's also partially that I'm her baby. LOL .... I just hate that look and tone in her voice of disappoinment. Ugh! LOL Can't please everyone I guess.

Like I said, been there, done that. But there MUST come a point, for BOTH of you, where you get past the 'her baby' thing and understand that adulthood has set in.

[dancingdoc2]

As I see the situation there are two main concerns:

C#1: Parental influence
C#2: Sex either as an expression of love or fondness
-or- sex for sex sake**

As an adult, my first question is are you fully "autonomous"; meaning, are you paying your own way and fully independent, or, are you living at home rent free?

If you are paying rent, even though the landlady is your parent, you do have to live by her house rules, although, these rules do not extend outside the property line.


If you are not paying rent, the same rules apply. What is important for your mother--and you--to understand is that as a parent she can only guide and offer opinions now that you are an adult. She can no longer legally govern you like a minor child. So, while she may not like one or more of your decisions or lifestyle, there is nothing she can do except express her ideas and opinions in hopes of influencing you in some way or other.

You on the other hand are bound by love and respect. What are your responsibilities to her as a daughter? What wishes do you concede to and what not? These are things the two of you should probably sit down and discuss.

** As for having sex with someone you barely know, what was the reason? What will be your reason the next time? You are well within your right to have sex for the pure enjoyment of it, as an expression of the love between you and another individual, or both!

As for the intimate details of your life and what to share or not with her or anyone else, is up to you. The question you must ask yourself is:

"Of what benefit is it for him/her to know this?"

Lastly, be adult and responsible in your sexual behavior.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[wet_suit_one]

All excellent advice.

Personally, I only share details of my sex life with my mother to needle her. Given the details of my sex life (as I've mentioned or suggested here from time to time), my mother has had her cage rattled fairly harshly a few time (yes, I am a good son! ).

Through it all though, she still loves me!

I luv u mom! You're the greatest!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Your mother is concerned for your welfare and although she has her house rules, she does respect you as an adult else she woud not be dscussing this with you at all.

It is a question of your past history. You're sure this guy is okay. She doesn't know that and has only your past experiences to guide her. Hence the too soon comment. But it is the age-old feminine dliemma - to withhold or not to withhold? Only you can answer that question.

Regardless - YOUR focus now is to gain Independent Status of having your own place, your own career and a satisfying indvidual life of your own.

You need to have a life before you can share a life with someone.

[vixen74]

When is the right time to sleep with a partner/bf?I think it really depends on the individual.I am in a similar position though.I am an adult living at home.I started dating my now bf a few months ago.We dated for 2 weeks then became bf/gf.We both made and discussed the decision to 'wait' mainly because we had both been hurt in the past and didn't want to continue on the merry go round. However I stayed at his house after 2 wks although we waited a month before having sex.My point is as an adult you make your own choices and decisions.You no longer have to answer to your mother.Of course you must still respect your parents but what you do with your life is up to you.Do what feels right.