Having issues and need advice.

[shinji]

Ok, I will warn ahead of time, this is going to be a long post.

Ok, I am currently dating a woman who is 21, I am 24. We have been dating for 11 months now, and for the past 3, we have been having some major issues.

So far during this semester, there have been some problems in her personal life, such as he Ex stalking her outside her classes and at work. She went to the police, but they are unable to do anything. She first offered to leave me out of this, but seeingas the guy has shown up at my class once, I was involved. So I did the best I could and pffered her support, even going on record witht he cops, something I don't like to do.

then her grades have suffered and she has decided to drop out of collage completely. I can understand, it is not for everyone, but this does add to the stress levels.

The final few factos that have been occuring are he feelings for other people and her obsession with a fake person.

I'll start with the fake, I won't name his name, but I will say this, he is a cartoon character. She acts like she is completely in love with him and will do anything for him. However, over the past few months, her obsession with him has skyrocketed, and she even said his name during sex! an act she denies.

Well I got tired of it, and so I told her that in all honesty, I don't like the guy.
She freaks, and starts getting mad that I don't like her favorite male character. eventually she calms down, but the damage is done.

Next, she admits that she has feeling for someone else, a woman no less. I was a little pissed, cause she almost, not quite, but almost admited that she preferre that woman over me. But she says she chose me.

And the final factor is her behavior around me. She seems happier when she talks to the person she has a crush on over the internet then she does when she is around me. Hell, she has even left me in the dust just so she could talk with her friend she is crushing on. But she still insists that she love me, though her behavior is saying other wise.

Finnally, she is starting to get to the point where she thinks she is always right, she will argue it to no end, even calling me a lier, and she has her friend ganging up on me.

Frankly, this is all pissing me off and I don't know what to do. She says she loves me, but her attitude says otherwise. I love her and don't want to lose her, but it looks like I have no other choice. What can I do?

[nuttychick]

Sounds like she needs some professional help....
I would tell her to get help or you are hitting the road...

[dancingdoc2]

Sounds to me like you need to date more.

Please read what I have had to say about dating and its purpose. You seem to want to do what many women want to do: "fix him". You should be dating lots of people in order to learn what personal characteristics are important to you and to be able to recognize when Ms. Right does finally come along.

[lnt1103]

On the stalker thing, you might check with local authorities. Give your county Victims Services agency a call and just ask a few questions about steps that can be taken. I know that in my area, if I have a written list of X-number of unwanted contacts from someone after I've told them to stop contact, I can take that list to the police and file harassment charges. I know this because a couple of years ago I spent a few nights with my phone ringing 4 to 6 times an hour all night long because he couldn't take 'good bye and go away' for an answer. A friend who works for the county said to make a list of times/dates and it would be grounds for charges.

Grades and dropping out of school should have no ramifications on a relationship. In and of itself, it's not part of the problem. It's a manifestation/result of the problems she IS having. Which, there are plenty. Sounds to me like a 'something's got to give' situation.

Ok now an obsession with a cartoon character I could see at age 4 (you know how many times I had to read 'Ariel' to my niece and nephew the last time I visited them? Without being able to actually read yet, they could quote the book verbatim.), but is incredibly odd at 21. But how did that conversation go between the two of you? Was it just "I don't like this character" or was it "here's what I see happening to you AND TO US because of your focus on this character"? She needs to know precisely what's going on for you with regard to this. (And she may or may not need professional help.)

Same with the other (real live) person issue. She needs to be shown precisely how this is affecting your relationship.

Thinking she's always right.....you didn't give specific subject matter, so we'll have to generalize on it. In general, we all do it. We all have those moments. I'm sure you're included in that if you want to stop and think a sec. But the name calling and getting her friend involved needs to stop. It's immature and unfair discussion tactics.

You have a choice to make. Are you too tired of it all, or is it worth one more attempt? If it's worth it, open the lines of communication back up. Express to her, in as level-headed a manner as you can muster, exactly how you view these situations and exactly how it's affecting the relationship. Do your best not to get loud or angry, even if she does. If there's just no getting through, it's time to move on.

[shinji]

Originally Posted by lnt1103

On the stalker thing, you might check with local authorities. Give your county Victims Services agency a call and just ask a few questions about steps that can be taken. I know that in my area, if I have a written list of X-number of unwanted contacts from someone after I've told them to stop contact, I can take that list to the police and file harassment charges. I know this because a couple of years ago I spent a few nights with my phone ringing 4 to 6 times an hour all night long because he couldn't take 'good bye and go away' for an answer. A friend who works for the county said to make a list of times/dates and it would be grounds for charges.

In regards to the stalker, we tried with the Police, but they said they can't do anything unless there is actual proof like a camera, phone call, or what not. Witnesses don't count as they could be connected to either one of them.

Originally Posted by lnt1103

Ok now an obsession with a cartoon character I could see at age 4 (you know how many times I had to read 'Ariel' to my niece and nephew the last time I visited them? Without being able to actually read yet, they could quote the book verbatim.), but is incredibly odd at 21. But how did that conversation go between the two of you? Was it just "I don't like this character" or was it "here's what I see happening to you AND TO US because of your focus on this character"? She needs to know precisely what's going on for you with regard to this. (And she may or may not need professional help.)

For the character, she acts like she is totally in love with him, and gets mad every time something that can be even remotly constued as negative is said about him. One, I told her that while the guy can be interesting, I just don't like him, as he isn't the kind of character I care about. she gets mad and does her best to defend just how awesome he is, even going so far as to make stuff up.

Originally Posted by lnt1103

Same with the other (real live) person issue. She needs to be shown precisely how this is affecting your relationship.

This person she claims she is in love with, and is the reason she is bisexual. Over the past few months, she has been acting depressed whenever I am around, but lights up in joy and ignores me when that person is online. Its gottent to the point that even her friends have noticed it, and are frankly sick of being left in the dust cause of this. I have tried communicating with her, but she just won't listen, she lables me as the bad guy who can never understand her and her needs. Hell, just ten minutes ago she labled me as a horny guy who only cares about sex and not her. Completely forgetting the fact that we haven't had sex in a month and a half. Hell I don't even bring it up, she does then dumps me to talk with her special friend.[/QUOTE]

Originally Posted by lnt1103

Thinking she's always right.....you didn't give specific subject matter, so we'll have to generalize on it. In general, we all do it. We all have those moments. I'm sure you're included in that if you want to stop and think a sec. But the name calling and getting her friend involved needs to stop. It's immature and unfair discussion tactics.

I should have been more specific, so let me give you an example that is farly recent. I went to a football game with my parents and little brother, and we had the Air Force do a fly over. Well, the planes got pretty close to the dorms on campus, and she and a few others freaked. Well I know the guys who do the planes, and I know the university officials who coordinate everything, and they said it is tradition for them to do a fly by of the dorms after the flying over the game. I told her i thought the planes were neat, and she gets mad stating they nearly killed her and others. I then tell her what I just told you, and that everything was safe. She then gets mad and says she knows more about this kind of thing then I do. Completely forgetting the fact that I have family in said Air force, and that my entire life was raised around the military and i actually know more then she does. she just can't seem to get it through her head that she can actually be wrong, its almost incoprehensioal to her, and its frutrating.

Originally Posted by lnt1103

You have a choice to make. Are you too tired of it all, or is it worth one more attempt? If it's worth it, open the lines of communication back up. Express to her, in as level-headed a manner as you can muster, exactly how you view these situations and exactly how it's affecting the relationship. Do your best not to get loud or angry, even if she does. If there's just no getting through, it's time to move on.

Frankly, I want this relationship to work, but I am the only one who is trying to make it work. I told her so, and I am on the verge of giving her a choice, either try and work with me to preserve our relationship, or go our seperate ways so she can be with he freind.

[dancingdoc2]

You can wish all you want, although, until she is ready to dance with you, nothing is going to happen.

"She's just not that into you", as the other saying goes.

Time to date--others. Be her friend if this is what she wants from you, otherwise, pack up your emotional baggage and learn who is down the road that will be more of a dance partner. Catch my drift?

[shinji]

I do, I understand. I just finished the last conversation with her, and our break up is all but assured by this point. the plan is to wait till the thanksgiving holiday is over and talk to each other then, but my hopes are not high.

She just blames everything on me and refuses to take responsiblity for her own actions. I told her to grow up essentially.

If we do break up though, which is highly likely, I'm not sure how to move on, or if I can find someone else. I'm not the most socialable of creatures, i'm only average in looks and average in grades, thats about it. I don't have a lot to offer frankly, but I don't want to settle, I want happiness, that is not to much to ask is it?

[Rouge]

Okay. Reasons that you shouldn't be worried about moving on (it's for the best, believe me).

a) You shouldn't be worrying about someone new until you've completely let this relationship go, and until you've had time to define yourself (this should take a decent amount of time. Anything less than a month, or even two, and you're pushing for a rebound).

b) There are more people who are introverts than extroverts; they don't socialize as much. This really won't be a problem unless you live in a basement all day and come up once a week for air. If you're getting out once in a while, hanging out with your friends, and are making an effort to meet new people, you'll be fine.

c) Average is where the majority of people sit, which means that you'll be fine (unless you're hoping to date Victoria's Secret models or something). For every average guy there has to be a wheelbarrow full of average girls; just something I've noticed. Maybe different where you are, but I doubt it. After the initial attraction, looks aren't major in the focus anyways.

d) She obviously wasn't the one for you, which means that your partner is still somewhere out there (this is my belief, not everyone's).

[shinji]

I received an email from her about a half hour ago. she saids she wants to meet in public to talk. This has sent alarms through my head, and I have come up with 5 possible results of what may happen, my paranoia at work.

1: she yells and tries to get attention on me by saying something false.

2: is afraid of me being angry, seeing as how i have never been angry with her before, she could be paranoid as well.

3: yells out she's pregnant to try and get public opinion against me.

4: we break it off with no hassle.

5: she wants to try and fix the relationship, which is doubtful.

my friend says that if she tries to yell, just get up and walk away, don't say anything, just walk away. is that the best action?

[nuttychick]

Originally Posted by shinji

my friend says that if she tries to yell, just get up and walk away, don't say anything, just walk away. is that the best action?

Yes it is the best advice....
Just walk away without a word....

Are you really sure you even want to meet with her?
You have the option of saying NO...
Just make a clean break now,
no dramas
just a reply e-mail saying
Sorry it is over and I see no point in dragging it out by this meeting???

Best of luck either way.. just keep yourself safe (it really sounds like she has some serious issues the she needs professional help for)