Jealousy & controlling or Acceptable?

[Sekcboi85]

OK. I was debating on a few scenarios about when its acceptable be upset and jealous or even to break up with a girl for her actions. I have had some of these happen in my relationships and some have happened to friends I have. This might seem a little strange but I am interested in getting some opinions and maybe this can help some other people who are unsure if their anger is called for or not.

Please respond with one of the following.
1.Acceptable behavior 2.Unacceptable behavior 3.Grounds for breaking up.

Please feel free to comment as to why you chose your answer too.

1. Talking to other men she just met. Perhaps some light flirting.
2. Talking on the phone with ex-boyfriends who are now friends.
3. Going out with ex-boyfriend + other friends.
4. Going out alone with ex-boyfriend.
5. Going out with ex-boyfriend + other friends to drink and then ends up staying at ex-boyfriends house for a few hours.
6. Going out clubbing with her girlfriends who you know to be bad influences and sometimes cheat on their spouses.
7. Going out clubbing with her girlfriends and dancing with other men.
8. Wearing a ring given to her by her ex-boyfriend.
9. Having pictures of her ex-boyfriend framed in her room.
10. Blatantly treating you badly for no reason except that she is on her period.
11. Writing passive-aggressive status updates on Facebook that are negatively directed at their boyfriend.
12. Snooping through your boyfriends texts/emails.
13. Expecting the man to pay for everything every time you go out.
14. Getting upset that your boyfriend spends time with his guy friends, playing sports, etc…


Well, I'm sure I forgot a few but I am interested to see the responses

[Sekcboi85]

1. Acceptable - everyone flirts a little.
2. Acceptable - As long as she isn't doing it in secret.
3. Same as above
4. Acceptable - I would accept but I want to meet the guy once or twice first to see how they act together.
5. Unacceptable - Alone and drunk at his house sounds pretty bad to me.
6. ??? Kinda tricky..
7. ??? If she told me about it and they were not rubbing all up on each other I guess I would be OK with it. I'm sure I would get jealous but would accept it.
8. Unacceptable - I would doubt her intentions for wearing it.
9. Breakup - It would show me shes not over him.
10. ??? I don't wanna touch that one yet because I value my life.
11. Unacceptable - I'm a firm believer of keeping problems behind closed doors.
12. Unacceptable/Breakup - If the lack of trust is that bad, then things are probably seriously going wrong.
13. Breakup - I know some men do it, but I personally can't stand it. I pay in the beginning usually, but after an established relationship is formed, I expect her to pay sometimes too. Yes, I'm playing the equality card
14. Hmm.. Kinda a bad question I guess as it depends on how much time is being spent on what.


Anyway, that's my opinions. As you can see I left some blank cuz I just don't know. Please don't flame other people's opinions. You can respectfully disagree and explain why you disagree, but don't flame

[Brandye]

Let go of adolescence. Live a little. See where your life leads. Everything you list can be either acceptable or not in some context of any relationship.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by Sekcboi85

OK. I was debating on a few scenarios about when its acceptable be upset and jealous or even to break up with a girl for her actions. I have had some of these happen in my relationships and some have happened to friends I have. This might seem a little strange but I am interested in getting some opinions and maybe this can help some other people who are unsure if their anger is called for or not.

Please respond with one of the following.
1.Acceptable behavior 2.Unacceptable behavior 3.Grounds for breaking up.

Please feel free to comment as to why you chose your answer too.

1. Talking to other men she just met. Perhaps some light flirting.

Acceptable. Every man and woman can have friends whether joint or individual that are of the same or opposite gender.

If you do not like her casually interacting with others or to have friends of the opposite gender, then you are either controlling or insecure.

2. Talking on the phone with ex-boyfriends who are now friends.

Acceptable within limits. See above; however, having said that, to what extent is she interacting with the Ex's? I'd say these conversations if casual need to be very open and of a general nature.

3. Going out with ex-boyfriend + other friends.

Acceptable within limits. The limit being only if he is included in a group of friends.

4. Going out alone with ex-boyfriend.

Unacceptable. See, above.

5. Going out with ex-boyfriend + other friends to drink and then ends up staying at ex-boyfriends house for a few hours.

Asked and answered. What about activities other than drinking?

6. Going out clubbing with her girlfriends who you know to be bad influences and sometimes cheat on their spouses.

Unacceptable, yet it is ultimately her decision, not yours. Does this behavior merit breaking up? Only time will tell.

7. Going out clubbing with her girlfriends and dancing with other men.

We do not go clubbing; rather enjoy dancesport--e.g. Ballroom dancing. As such there is no drinking, we go to a ballroom where dancing is the main purpose for being there, AND during the three hours of the dance, we have many 3 min. relationships with others. It is a social activity. So, it does depend upon what the underlying purpose for dancing in a club is.

Here's the key: insecurity and jealousy equal a lack of trust. Think about that.

8. Wearing a ring given to her by her ex-boyfriend.

Inappropriate. The ring should be kept in a jewelry box or safe deposit box.

9. Having pictures of her ex-boyfriend framed in her room.

As above, the pictures should be put away both out of respect for the new boyfriend, and, because that chapter of her life is closed.

10. Blatantly treating you badly for no reason except that she is on her period.

This is a judgment call. If it happens all the time or monthly, then perhaps she should seek counseling either with her doctor, first, a therapist, second. Is this behavior something she recognizes as inappropriate and can she manage her emotions, or not.

11. Writing passive-aggressive status updates on Facebook that are negatively directed at their boyfriend.

Immature and juvenile. If this behavior is directed at you, then you decide how much immaturity is tolerable and how much of a hit to your reputation is worth putting up with. This is inappropriate and probably not worth investing in the relationship.

12. Snooping through your boyfriends texts/emails.

Inappropriate. This is a trust matter and not unlike reading a diary.

13. Expecting the man to pay for everything every time you go out.

The answer to this is simple. What are the arrangements made ahead of time? Generally if the man invites the woman, he pays. If she invites him, she pays. If the two of you have a different agreement, then that is what is done.

14. Getting upset that your boyfriend spends time with his guy friends, playing sports, etc…

How much time?

This is a topic I have written about at length and in at least one article. Both parties need individual time, space, and, friends. Now, if a guy goes out and spends most of his free time working on his car, truck, BSing with his friends, fishing, etc., to the detriment of his wife and household responsibilities then this is a problem.

Relationships are managed. Disagreements are negotiated. Find a happy medium for the sporting activities, whether it is watching games on TV and/or participating. Who and what is his number one responsibility? If these activities interfere with with his obligations then he needs to set priorities and manage them better.

Well, I'm sure I forgot a few but I am interested to see the responses

All too often guys have the mindset that once they have woo'd and won their partner, that all the work is over and they are free to move on and focus on other things. Wrong.

[lnt1103]

From a woman's perspective.....

1. Talking to other men she just met. Perhaps some light flirting. Acceptable-men who think otherwise, get over yourself, you know you do it too.
2. Talking on the phone with ex-boyfriends who are now friends. Depends--a quick talk about arrangements for #3, I see no issue with. Hours-long conversations about the 'good old days', she needs a reality check.
3. Going out with ex-boyfriend + other friends. No issue-get over the jealousy, it's annoying and makes you look needy, immature and controlling.
4. Going out alone with ex-boyfriend. Personally I would never do so, but then I have no boyfriends who are now just friends. Mostly because I'm now in a different city from all of them.
5. Going out with ex-boyfriend + other friends to drink and then ends up staying at ex-boyfriends house for a few hours. Depends-if everyone ended up there, no issue. If it's just her, there's an issue. In any case she needs to be up front with you about it, and if it happens on the fly, she needs to call or text a heads up.
6. Going out clubbing with her girlfriends who you know to be bad influences and sometimes cheat on their spouses. I dare you to try to tell her she can't go out with her girlfriends. Trust me, it won't go well.
7. Going out clubbing with her girlfriends and dancing with other men. Not my style, but it is for some. Judgment call I would say.
8. Wearing a ring given to her by her ex-boyfriend. She needs a reality check.
9. Having pictures of her ex-boyfriend framed in her room. See #8.
10. Blatantly treating you badly for no reason except that she is on her period. Depends on how it manifests-is it just zero to grump in 2.3, or is it truly treating you inappropriately? If the latter, reality check. If the former, suck it up, buttercup, we all have those moments, including you.
11. Writing passive-aggressive status updates on Facebook that are negatively directed at their boyfriend. Immature and unacceptable. This is not how we communicate effectively with each other.
12. Snooping through your boyfriends texts/emails. Unacceptable if for mistrust purposes. I must confess here that I have gone into T's email to do GOOD things like retrieve the gift wishlist he sent his folks for Christmas, or to contact his suppliers in an attempt to purchase him the gift of something they offer. He owns and operates a golf proshop and I'm just clueless about golf
13. Expecting the man to pay for everything every time you go out. Depends on the status of the relationship. If you're friends, go dutch. If you're dating, I'm kind of a traditionalist and I sometimes wonder when chivalry died. Having said that, T and I live together, so it comes out of 'our' account for shared expenses. Except for the one time we were struggling and he wanted to take me out to talk things out and try to reclaim 'us'. That time, by his own suggestion, he paid.
14. Getting upset that your boyfriend spends time with his guy friends, playing sports, etc… There's an extent to which each of you need stuff going on in your lives that have nothing to do with each other. For her, one of those things very well may be 3, 5, 6, or 7, but hopefully not exclusively. If she's doing those, but not letting you do this, she needs a reality check. By the same token, if you're doing this but not allowing her to do those, you need a reality check too.

Notice I didn't say any were grounds for break up. That's always a judgment call in my opinion. At the end of the day, communication and trust are the key to any relationship. If there are any of the above that are going on and you have an issue with it, you have a duty to yourself and a responsibility to the relationship to discuss it with her openly and honestly, doing your best not to be angry or hurtful.

[dancingdoc2]

Nicely stated, Int.
I think we all managed to get these questions answered.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Actually the ONLY TOTALY UNACCEPTABLE item worthy of breaking up is the SNOOPING.

Everything else is just 'stuff'. All you have to do is to reverse the situation and think about how you'd take it if she bitched at you for wearing this or doing that. You'd most likely think she was from Mars and ditch her. So if you're going to complain about this inconsequential stuff - expect to be dropped - if not drop-kicked.

[lnt1103]

Thanks Doc. I must confess as well, that the contacting his golf suppliers thing backfired on me a little. I had emailed them from T's address to ensure the contact would be recognized as opposed to entering their Spam folders. The first one to respond, instead of emailing me at MY email address as I requested in my message, simply hit Reply. I found it before T did, but then had to tell him that I had contacted them so he could watch out for, and not read, anymore that might have occurred that way. And his deductive reasoning is so awesome, he's figured out what I got him

[Sekcboi85]

Yeah, I guess it will always come down to your judgment in the end. All relationships are different and have different rules. Things that are acceptable to me or you might not be acceptable to others. But I think we can generalize some things that should be acceptable/unacceptable for the majority of relationships.

Thanks for the replies Doc and Int. Int, you always have a fun story or analogy I wouldn't even classify that as snooping if it was to get a gift for your man. I would be pleasantly surprised if my girlfriend did that.

@EEK, I think most of it is just trivial stuff and can be worked out with communication and having trust in your partner. However, a few things show some really bad character flaws in someone and I personally wouldn't want to be with someone for doing that. If the situation was reversed and it was the guy doing some of these things, I would still find it unacceptable.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Since most men refuse to dance - that one is immaterial!

The thing is: if you don't trust, then why are you even in the relationship?

Find a middle ground, agree to disagree, whatever - you always have to decide which is more important: the issue or your relationship.

Out of all of those issues - only snooping would is the greater of the two.