4 months in - sex isn't materializing

[ten years gone]

To sum it up

-I'm 21, she's 19.
-We're 4 months in, we can make out, heavy petting, her tops off, etc. But I can't get my hand down her pants or vice versa. She says stop, I do and I leave it alone.
-The furthest we got was within the first month, and we've been stuck there since. The past 3 weeks we've made out like twice.
-I've brought it up a few times before and she just says she's not comfortable, or she'll say maybe next time if she's in the mood. I leave it alone for awhile but we've reached this point a few times.
-She's not a virgin and says she has had a few partners, but also says she hasn't had sex in 2 years.
-Aside from a hurting sex life, everything seems to be good...we seemed to connect real well from the beginning.

I don't know if she's self conscious about something, or what. She's said so many different reasons for us getting stuck. "Not in the mood", "Not comfortable with it yet", "Been hurt in the past", "I make all my boyfriends wait", "I haven't shaved down there", "I'm on my period", etc. I can relate to this but at the same time the relationship is going otherwise great. She knows I'm a great guy. I try to communicate that I'm just trying to keep moving things forwards.

When I was younger, my troubles with women was my in ability to pull the trigger. Now it's the opposite. I know, traditionally, I'm in the position of being the bad guy here for pressuring her...but now that I'm in these shoes I feel like she's trapped me. I'm a decent guy in his sexual prime that can't have sex or get any kind of release with his girlfriend, and I can't seek it elsewhere either. Thoughts?

[EvilEvilKitten]

What she's doing is TESTING you to find out the answer to one question: do you want her all of her or do you just want sex?

The test is necesary because if she just asked you, you'd lie and proclaim undying devotion, you'd get the sex, and then you'd lose interest - end of relationship.

What YOU should do is stop. Just stop making any advances at all. No asking. No petting. No kissing. NOTHING.

I don't suggest you two discuss the issue because she's throwing up all of these nonsense excuses. She's doing that because she's not willing to discuss the issue.

But you should seriously consider why you're 'dating' a girl who uses sex as a tool/weapon and who has such insecurities that she thinks dating = marriage.

[mikkiji]

Maybe she's just NOT ready for that level of intimacy with you after only four months of dating. That's really not so long--be a bit patient! "Moving forward" with the relationship may not need to involve sex just yet. My late wife and I waited years--we went really slowly, and we became patient, devoted best friends in the meanwhile. We shared big chunks of our lives before going to bed with one another--in fact, we even slept together on several occasions before we actually did it. We deeply MATTERED to one another before having sex together. Four months is just really not that long a time. And if she has not had sex since she was 17, then in many ways she's as good as a virgin, and you ought to be treating her as such--with sensitive caution and respect. Pressuring her to "help you with your frustration" will not help your relationship at all, trust me on this one! Learn to enjoy her company, her presence, her conversation. When and if the sex comes, it will be all the more sweet and hot. In past generations, men often waited years, and although in many ways unnatural and unhealthy, men learned restraint, respect and responsibility in regard to women. IF you are pursuing this relationship mostly because you are anticipating sex, find a woman more on your own timetable for intimacy. This one could take a long time--and might well be worth the wait in the long run--but you'll be too frustrated and annoyed by then to be enjoying her very much.
Michael

[EvilEvilKitten]

Whereas my future husband and I began on the second time we met.
Each couple chooses its own time.

Nevertheless - my previous answer is precisely correct. It is a test. That is why she's testing you. That is what you do about it.

[Brandye]

Over a cuppa or whatever when physical contact is not being made, discuss the situation. Tell her your side and listen to hers. Then decide. I have waited longer than four months and I have on the first date.

If she is testing (likely), then move on. Consider, however, that she may still be a virgin and rather threatened by the whole thing. We all lie about sex.

[ten years gone]

Originally Posted by Brandye

Over a cuppa or whatever when physical contact is not being made, discuss the situation. Tell her your side and listen to hers. Then decide. I have waited longer than four months and I have on the first date.

If she is testing (likely), then move on. Consider, however, that she may still be a virgin and rather threatened by the whole thing. We all lie about sex.

I do bring it up, but she just fires out a random reason. What am I supposed to do beyond that? If she says she's just not ready or comfortable yet then I have no real position to take other than to accept it.

Why move on if she's testing me? I think it's good that she safeguards herself, I'm just trying to pass this test and don't really know what I need to do here.

[ten years gone]

Originally Posted by mikkiji

Maybe she's just NOT ready for that level of intimacy with you after only four months of dating. That's really not so long--be a bit patient! "Moving forward" with the relationship may not need to involve sex just yet. My late wife and I waited years--we went really slowly, and we became patient, devoted best friends in the meanwhile. We shared big chunks of our lives before going to bed with one another--in fact, we even slept together on several occasions before we actually did it. We deeply MATTERED to one another before having sex together. Four months is just really not that long a time. And if she has not had sex since she was 17, then in many ways she's as good as a virgin, and you ought to be treating her as such--with sensitive caution and respect. Pressuring her to "help you with your frustration" will not help your relationship at all, trust me on this one! Learn to enjoy her company, her presence, her conversation. When and if the sex comes, it will be all the more sweet and hot. In past generations, men often waited years, and although in many ways unnatural and unhealthy, men learned restraint, respect and responsibility in regard to women. IF you are pursuing this relationship mostly because you are anticipating sex, find a woman more on your own timetable for intimacy. This one could take a long time--and might well be worth the wait in the long run--but you'll be too frustrated and annoyed by then to be enjoying her very much.
Michael

See the thing is, I don't want to wait years. It's not a balanced relationship if I don't want to wait years but I do anyways. I don't know if I'm marrying this girl. I just want to have a decent relationship that I can enjoy and experience, instead of it not working out 3 years down the road leaving me with my dick still in my hand.

[ten years gone]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

What she's doing is TESTING you to find out the answer to one question: do you want her all of her or do you just want sex?

The test is necesary because if she just asked you, you'd lie and proclaim undying devotion, you'd get the sex, and then you'd lose interest - end of relationship.

What YOU should do is stop. Just stop making any advances at all. No asking. No petting. No kissing. NOTHING.

I don't suggest you two discuss the issue because she's throwing up all of these nonsense excuses. She's doing that because she's not willing to discuss the issue.

But you should seriously consider why you're 'dating' a girl who uses sex as a tool/weapon and who has such insecurities that she thinks dating = marriage.

I like this idea. I was thinking about freezing her out a bit and trying to be less needy about it.

I have a few questions if you don't mind, do I keep hanging out with her as usual but just not make any advances? If she does make a move on me do I respond favorably or shoot it down? I also picture her asking me what's wrong at that point, how should I play it from there? What's the plan to actually get things going after leaving her alone for awhile?

I am seriously considering moving on, but I'd like to try a few different things before I do because we otherwise do seem to match up pretty well.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

What she's doing is TESTING you to find out the answer to one question: do you want her all of her or do you just want sex?

OK so what's your answer to the question, OP? It's not necessary to answer that in writing here, I mean it rhetorically, but I want you to think about it.

If you want her more than the sex, I would back off as EEK suggests, but not for the purpose of playing a game on her as you seem to interpret it. For the purpose of backing off. You're pushing too hard and she's digging in.

How do you 'play it' when she asks what's wrong? You don't 'play' anything. I've heard it said that if you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said. So you don't 'play it'. This is not a game, it's communication. You answer honestly. You tell her that you decided to back off and take your cue from her, because she obviously isn't ready.

[EvilEvilKitten]

How to pass the test is to NOT make any advances of any kind to her but you accept all advances made by her to you.

The point of the exercise is to gently make her 'step up' either to discuss her policies and views about sex or to actually have sex. She should come clean.

This is not a 'game'. This is real life and how a man behaves. She has said NO effectively several times while enjoying some petting, well, a girl cannot play with fire without getting burnt. She should either talk or walk. But she will do neither unless you quietly make it clear that the ball is in her court. If anyone's playing a game here, it is her. She should be TALKING frankly about what's going on in her mind and not just fobbing you off with paltry excuses.

You do this by calming down and backing off while never being absent.

BTW if she fails to 'step up' - you should 'step off' - that is: say goodbye. Not because of no sex but because no honest communication.