4 months in - sex isn't materializing

[ten years gone]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

So this person is frustrating and exasperating and changes her mind on a whim or a lark. I've heard and also read on here much the same rebuff from women regarding men.

This is why dating and dating lots of people is so important. Dating often does yet should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating is all about discovery and we cannot discover very much about humanity if we begin and stop with just one individual.

By dating lots of people we weed out those who are not a good fit for us regardless of their personality or traits. You just move on to the next individual! and continue the process until Ms. Right enters your world. In the meantime, learn about the many characteristics, characters, likes, dislikes, quirks, morals, values, ideals, goals, and other things that are important to you and to each person and bank the information. Many people you date will not be "the one" for you, yet you won't know who is if you do not date lots of people.

So, enough self pitty, being frustrated, exasperated, and hurt. Get out there and begin lining up women to date, either more than one at a time, or, sequentially. How? Inform friends, family, and co-workers that you want to date and enlist their help in finding people for you. Join clubs or organizations in which woman participate and have the same interest(s) as you.

Where people run into difficulty is when they place all their "eggs" into one basket and then as each partner matures over the years, they find that they have different goals and agendas, likes and preferences. This is one reason the divorce rate is so high. We do not spend nearly enough time "shopping" before bagging {bedding?) and taking the goods home so to speak.

This is why dating non-exclusively is so advisable. There is an article on this listed in the Index that you should read and mull over.

Hey, just wanted to bump this thread to let you know how excellent of a post this was. Thanks.

[jjurgy]

Originally Posted by ten years gone

To sum it up

-I'm 21, she's 19.
-We're 4 months in, we can make out, heavy petting, her tops off, etc. But I can't get my hand down her pants or vice versa. She says stop, I do and I leave it alone.
-The furthest we got was within the first month, and we've been stuck there since. The past 3 weeks we've made out like twice.
-I've brought it up a few times before and she just says she's not comfortable, or she'll say maybe next time if she's in the mood. I leave it alone for awhile but we've reached this point a few times.
-She's not a virgin and says she has had a few partners, but also says she hasn't had sex in 2 years.
-Aside from a hurting sex life, everything seems to be good...we seemed to connect real well from the beginning.

I don't know if she's self conscious about something, or what. She's said so many different reasons for us getting stuck. "Not in the mood", "Not comfortable with it yet", "Been hurt in the past", "I make all my boyfriends wait", "I haven't shaved down there", "I'm on my period", etc. I can relate to this but at the same time the relationship is going otherwise great. She knows I'm a great guy. I try to communicate that I'm just trying to keep moving things forwards.

When I was younger, my troubles with women was my in ability to pull the trigger. Now it's the opposite. I know, traditionally, I'm in the position of being the bad guy here for pressuring her...but now that I'm in these shoes I feel like she's trapped me. I'm a decent guy in his sexual prime that can't have sex or get any kind of release with his girlfriend, and I can't seek it elsewhere either. Thoughts?

Instead of sticking your hand down her pants why don't you dry hump her and never try to do anything down there so she can't stop you. Continue this a few times and then one day just try to unbutton her pants and see where that leads you. If all else fails when you start to make out, unbutton your pants without her knowing it and pull your cock out... Then slide her hand down there and she how she reacts. Can't hurt at this point can it?

[EvilEvilKitten]

OMG will you just STOP PUSHING the lady to have sex with you and THINK.
Would you like someone to push and push and push and push - and generally act like you did not mean what you said, or that what you said you wanted wasn't worth paying attnetion to?

Of course you'd be upset and you'd walk. Well, dude, BEFOR E she decides you're not worth her time - JUST STOP PUSHING.

LISTEN to the lady and FOLLOW her lead.

[teena22]

You only started your relationship and maybe she just wants to take it slow. Sex is not the only important thing in your relationship, it is only part of your relationship.

I agree with evilevilkitten, that maybe she is jut testing you. And you also said that you connect really well, maybe you should focus on that first, building a stronger relationship and not worrying about your hand not going down there.

[shasta101]

On the other hand, if she is this manipulating and controlling now, what do you think this relationship will develop into later?

[EvilEvilKitten]

OH so if SHE determines what happens (no sex yet) she's manipulating and controlling but if HE determines what happens (sex) that's okay??

[shasta101]

I was referring to when he was moving on (another date), and then she tries to get him back with sex as the bait. Isn't that what I read in the thread?

I could be wrong, and if so, I withdraw the comment.

Frankly, if it's a fundamental mismatch of expectations between them, it's not going to get better as time passes, and in my estimation, will end in tears somewhere along the line.

[davidwilsoon]

Originally Posted by Brandye

Over a cuppa or whatever when physical contact is not being made, discuss the situation. Tell her your side and listen to hers. Then decide. I have waited longer than four months and I have on the first date.

If she is testing (likely), then move on. Consider, however, that she may still be a virgin and rather threatened by the whole thing. We all lie about sex.

I do bring it up, but she just fires out a random reason. What am I supposed to do beyond that? If she says she's just not ready or comfortable yet then I have no real position to take other than to accept it.

Why move on if she's testing me? I think it's good that she safeguards herself, I'm just trying to pass this test and don't really know what I need to do here.

[EvilEvilKitten]

HER: "I'm just not comfortable."

HIM: "Hmmm, what specifically makes you uncomfortable?"

HER: "I don't know. I just don't feel comfortable."

HIM: "That's fine. I'll put you down as being 'just a friend' then. So, how about Arsenal/the Yankees (whatever team you follow) this season?"

You then proceed to talk about 'guy stuff' - as if she were just another guy-buddy. Or even more telling, treat her as your 'wingman' ask her what your chances would be with that cute girl over there or how about the blonde who just walked in. "She looks like fun."

You could do all of that. Or you could just go waay over the top and ask her if she'd be more comfortable about sex if you wore a wig and called yourself Carlos "there's only one of me, what a shame!" - just make her laugh until she cries for mercy. One fellow I know did the entire dance for "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga. In public no less! Talk about having balls! Yes, the lady of the hour laughed herself silly and yes, he got what he 'deserved' for doing it. It is on youTube, btw.

HIM: "Such a shame really. I am quite lovely you know or rather you don't. It isn't often that you'll run across a guy like me. But... you know your own business best. You do realise that this is a limited time offer? Not valid in W.Va? Operators are standing by?"

Really - there are so many ways to play this little game that I'm surprised you need my help (such as it is).

BTW - you just move on because by doing so you STOP PLAYING THE GAME. Did you really think she needs to safeguard herself to the point where she can't recognise a decent man when she meets one?

[shasta101]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

. . . .
BTW - you just move on because by doing so you STOP PLAYING THE GAME. Did you really think she needs to safeguard herself to the point where she can't recognise a decent man when she meets one?

Dear EEK, seems like we are on the same page, at least on this aspect of it all.