4 months in - sex isn't materializing

[lnt1103]

You say she's seeing her counselor on Monday. I'm assuming that means a psychologist that she's been working with. If she's already established with a counselor, then there's possibly more to her issue than meets the eye, and that needs to be taken into consideration. Does she have a "past" that could be coming into play here? Is it possible there are "demons" from the guy two years ago? Just a thought.

Wanting it but not wanting it sounds to me like she knows how serious an issue this is for you and wants to please you, but isn't ready herself. And not wanting to tease by making out sounds like she is afraid one of two things will result from a make out session: 1-you end up frustrated in THAT way instead of THIS way which isn't much of an improvement and she knows it, or 2-it doesn't stop when she wants it to.

[EvilEvilKitten]

More than most likely the guy from 2 years ago didn't listen to her and she thinks this fellow will do the same. This means she's punishing this guy here for what some other guy did in the past - which is wrong. Men are not all the same.

Guys do this too. People just find it easier to go on auto-pilot than to actually think so they blindly repeat behaviors that wrecked them the first time. Either they continue to select the wrong sort of guy/gal, or they treat the right guy/gal incorrectly.

[ten years gone]

Yeah, there are other issues with her. She said she hasn't been to her counselor since she started seeing me, I don't know if that's correlated or not.

The first guy sounded like a bit of a dick by some of the things she told me. Not things I would do to her. That's been one of the many reasons she used to use before it transformed into 'low sex drive'. She's obviously still pretty new to sex if that happenned when she was 17 and hasn't been near it since. Those things have probably built up even more in her mind over that time.

I've even said those exact words "I'm getting punished for what another guy did to you".

[ten years gone]

I lost her.

Thanks for the help anyways guys, didn't really have anyone I could talk to about this. Take care.

[EvilEvilKitten]

No, she lost you because she wasn't ready to grow up but then, she's 17 so what did you really expect.

[lnt1103]

Relationships are two way streets--I think they lost each other.

On the one hand, a person has to be willing to cut a little slack and not push too hard when their SO has unresolved issues.

That said, the SO with issues also has to be willing to put in the work to get past them.

Live and learn.

[Soph92]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

What she's doing is TESTING you to find out the answer to one question: do you want her all of her or do you just want sex?

The test is necesary because if she just asked you, you'd lie and proclaim undying devotion, you'd get the sex, and then you'd lose interest - end of relationship.

What YOU should do is stop. Just stop making any advances at all. No asking. No petting. No kissing. NOTHING.

I don't suggest you two discuss the issue because she's throwing up all of these nonsense excuses. She's doing that because she's not willing to discuss the issue.

But you should seriously consider why you're 'dating' a girl who uses sex as a tool/weapon and who has such insecurities that she thinks dating = marriage.

I only lost my virginity last year, but it turned out the guy I lost it to was a rat who just wanted sex. I dated several other guys who clearly just wanted sex, too.

I prefer sex to be an act of love, rather than lust. Thus I want a reciprocal emotional attachment before progressing to a sexual relationship. That said, I make this clear to the guy I am dating. I don't want to feel so hurt and let down again.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Dear Soph - and you should consider WHY you want/need this "act of love" when there's little wrong with lust itself.

You can make friends and build relationships both with and without sex, but the sex should be a mutual pleasure and not be a tool/weapon.

Agreed, Int.

[CLVR-HNDS_GUY]

We all have own love languages which there is 5 of them, Most guys have the bond touching language which they confuse sex as there love language when its not.
There is a big difference with love and lust

[bittoodeep]

wow... that scenario sounds like the same one between me and my gf. we've been together for four months and i've brought up sex a lot. I know she's attracted to me and that she wants that kind of stuff, but she always 'freezes up'. after reading this i told her that i thought i hit a barrier, and that i'd take cues from her from now on, and believe it or not she seemed relieved and enthused by that idea. i love her and want to spend my life with her and i don't want sex to drive it into the ground. (especially when i had broken up with one of my ex's for trying to get me to screw her [and on a side note wants to rape me and have my kids now]) so yeah...

and as for my username, it's because she's 15 and i'm 16, and i probably should'nt be on here, but this site's been a great help, and loads better at giving advice on sex, dating, and relationships than most books i've read. lolz.