4 months in - sex isn't materializing

[ten years gone]

Originally Posted by lnt1103

OK so what's your answer to the question, OP? It's not necessary to answer that in writing here, I mean it rhetorically, but I want you to think about it.

If you want her more than the sex, I would back off as EEK suggests, but not for the purpose of playing a game on her as you seem to interpret it. For the purpose of backing off. You're pushing too hard and she's digging in.

How do you 'play it' when she asks what's wrong? You don't 'play' anything. I've heard it said that if you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said. So you don't 'play it'. This is not a game, it's communication. You answer honestly. You tell her that you decided to back off and take your cue from her, because she obviously isn't ready.

You're completely ass backwards. I want her to be my girlfriend, and part of that role is filling the basic need for sex. This is basic stuff. Dropping it completely is not being completely honest on my part, it's being a weak and spineless man. I've lived with this mindset before - it doesn't work.

[ten years gone]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

How to pass the test is to NOT make any advances of any kind to her but you accept all advances made by her to you.

The point of the exercise is to gently make her 'step up' either to discuss her policies and views about sex or to actually have sex. She should come clean.

This is not a 'game'. This is real life and how a man behaves. She has said NO effectively several times while enjoying some petting, well, a girl cannot play with fire without getting burnt. She should either talk or walk. But she will do neither unless you quietly make it clear that the ball is in her court. If anyone's playing a game here, it is her. She should be TALKING frankly about what's going on in her mind and not just fobbing you off with paltry excuses.

You do this by calming down and backing off while never being absent.

BTW if she fails to 'step up' - you should 'step off' - that is: say goodbye. Not because of no sex but because no honest communication.

Got it. I'll take care of this.

[lnt1103]

Well then it sounds like you two have it bass ackwards from each other on how necessary sex is. If she's anything like me, only 4 months into a relationship? Food is a basic need. Water is a basic need. Sex is an option. One that ain't on the table yet.

[EvilEvilKitten]

ten years: you really do need to get over this 'spineless man' thing. Most women are just like INT - they view sex as OPTIONAL and the option is theirs to choose. Not yours. Very few women are sexually aggressive like me.

Please note - that if you do end up walking away, you will confirm her idea that you were only with her for the sex. We know it is for not coming clean - not openingly communicating but she'll think it was just sex.

[Browser]

If she's "testing" you and won't talk openly and honestly about the subject, are you sure you want to be with her?

I'm all for empowered women and people who don't want to have sex. Those are entirely different things than being manipulative. If she has a point, she needs to say it.

Tell her your concerns, tell her exactly what you want to talk about. Tell her that you two need to talk about this because it's obviously important to you. If she changes the subject then you need to move on. Now, if you two do have a good discussion and you learn that you won't be having sex, you have to respect that decision and not pressure her.

[ten years gone]

No worries guys. Give it a bit of time and new found effort (or moreso lack of effort) and I'll put this one away.

[ten years gone]

Gah. I'm so frustrated that we can feel so strong but still not solve this. We talked about it alot today, but nothing is really resolved. I tried to emphasize a few things. One of the parts that stood out to me was when I was talking about us at least taking steps further. She said if we take it further, she's going to want it all. She said sometimes she feels ready, like it's about to happen soon, then she gets freaked out. It's really been so erratic, time will tell.

[lnt1103]

OK, communication is a good thing. But now that you've done that, back the hell off and follow her lead. She's confused and scared, and pressure from you is only going to make matters worse.

Give up this idea that as the big strong man you have to set minimum standards of sexual behavior from her. Because quite frankly it's bull shit, and if you don't drop it, you'll big strong man yourself right out of a girlfriend.

And oh by the way, she won't see you as strong, she'll see you as weak. She'll see you as caring more about sex than about her, and bid you good riddance. She'll decide that if you were truly strong of character, you'd give up the reins on reaching the sexual part of the timetable because you'd care more about her than about sex.

[EvilEvilKitten]

"She freaks out" and is scared that she'll 'want it all'.

She doesn't sound like she's ready for anything let alone sex. You have a choice to make: to stay with her and support her through her period of indecision or to cut back and wait while not always 'being there for her'.

I'd say back off and no more talk about sex and make no sexual advances toward her. You could put her into your 'friend zone' if you wish. No need to tell her about it if you do that. Enjoy her company by all means but don't be quick to respond to her advances either.

Remember: no Galahad here.

[ten years gone]

I agree that always bringing up sex is a sign of weakness. I wanted to try one more time and say everything we had to say. I'll drop it now.