New relationship

[Reticulum]

Hi all,

I used to post here many moons ago about problems with my girlfriend & her lack of sexual desire.
Well I've moved on since then, we broke up about a month ago & I've recently been seeing someone else.
I'm 24 & she's 30. Although we've only been together for a very short time, we've been through an awful lot.
The stuff we've been through has pushed us together & kind of forced things to move quite fast. We've had all sorts of stuff going on, everything seems against us at the moment but we're staying strong.
We both feel like we're in love with each other, although we haven't said the 3 words yet.

The problem is, we can't keep away from each other. We've been together for 3 weeks now & I've been staying at her house since we got together.
When we're in the pub, we pretty much ignore our mates & just spend the whole night together. We're obsessed with each other.
We forced ourselves to spend a night apart & we both felt like crap. Food didn't taste the same, we were miserable & we hated it.

How much time should we be spending apart?
I want to do the right thing, even if it hurts. I just don't know what the right thing is. I want us to last for a very long time but don't know how to do it.
All I know is that spending that much time with someone is unhealthy for a new relationship.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[lnt1103]

At only 3 weeks in, you're still in what you might call the 'honeymoon phase'--everything is new, cute, different, exciting, exploring, etc. Which is great, but you gotta know that at some point it's probably going to calm down and become just plain reality.

You both need aspects of yourselves that have nothing to do with the other person. Things that were there before she entered your life and will remain after she's gone(don't freak out, I'm driving at a concept here).

T's golf will always be a huge part of who he is--he owns and runs a Pro Shop at a course. I've been to a driving range with him ONE time, because I insisted I wanted to learn a little about his profession/obsession. I have never held another driver since that day. (Well that's not entirely true, I helped him carry a couple newly re-shafted ones out of a buddy's shop one day) I have zero hand-eye coordination, and I can't see that tiny white ball well enough to figure out where the heck it just went. I ask him how his game/the outing/work went, but the only kind of golf we actually play together, is Miniature.

He's the same way about my languages--Spanish and Sign Language(with Sign I do mostly interpretation of songs at church). He's totally supportive of me, in fact happy to let me translate if need be in a Mexican restaurant, but it's totally not his cup of tea. He will NEVER sign a song with me, can't pronounce some Spanish words correctly if it would save his life, and that's fine.

We each kind of learn a little about these interests the other has, 'by osmosis' as I like to call it We're not utterly indifferent to the other's involvements, but we're not attached at the hip either, ya know?

The key to quality relationships is, maintaining WHO YOU ARE, and adding the other person into your life--SHARING it with them, instead of LOSING it to them. You each have GOT to find some time and some interests that's just yours.

[EvilEvilKitten]

There is no SHOULD and no set time requirements. You spend time together when you want to spend time together and that's that. Just relax and go with what you both want and to hell with limits.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by Reticulum

Hi all,

I used to post here many moons ago about problems with my girlfriend & her lack of sexual desire. Well I've moved on since then, we broke up about a month ago & I've recently been seeing someone else.

Welcome back.

I'm 24 & she's 30. Although we've only been together for a very short time, we've been through an awful lot. The stuff we've been through has pushed us together & kind of forced things to move quite fast. We've had all sorts of stuff going on, everything seems against us at the moment but we're staying strong.

What is the foundation of your budding relationship based upon? Will you give us some examples of the "stuff"? I'm not certain whether you mean these things were before you met or during the past three weeks.

We both feel like we're in love with each other, although we haven't said the 3 words yet.

Three (3) weeks? You are old enough to realize this is more infatuation and being very much "in like" at this stage. Yes, the "honeymoon" stage. Genuine love takes time to grow and mature out of this. You sound very "needy" AND THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.

The problem is, we can't keep away from each other. We've been together for 3 weeks now & I've been staying at her house since we got together.
When we're in the pub, we pretty much ignore our mates & just spend the whole night together. We're obsessed with each other.

You make this sound like you are two fifteen year olds! (Read: "needy" and "clingly".) "Obsessed" may not be your best adjective, however, I do think the two of you should step back a little and have a look at yourselves as individuals and as partners.

We forced ourselves to spend a night apart & we both felt like crap. Food didn't taste the same, we were miserable & we hated it.

I've been home alone the past four days while my better half is getting some "me time" camping three hours away. Shucks! I can't even whisper sweet nothings into her cellphone at night~! When she returns tomorrow night, things should be very nice indeed. Here's my point:

A healthy relationship is built on a foundation of mutual trust and respect--and, with the contrabutions that two autonomous and independent adults bring to it out of desire to have something greater than the sum of its two parts. This does not seem to be the case with the two of you (at this stage.)

How much time should we be spending apart?

Depends upon what each of you wants, although just meeting and moving in together seems a bit too much too soon, especialy if you are to be(come) more than roommates. I really do believe in your haste you've placed the proverbial cart before the horse. Let's say things just do not work out between you next Thursday--then what? Do you still have your place to return to? Better me thinks to return to your home and date her from there for a few months before considering cohabiting, again. Much like a fine wine, your budding relationship needs time to mature and age a bit.

I want to do the right thing, even if it hurts. I just don't know what the right thing is. I want us to last for a very long time but don't know how to do it.

Please reread what I said, above, about creating a solid relationship out of desire and not need. The two of you should be comfortable with each of your lives as independent adults who can then bring the strong points together in order to form lives that are better by the contrabutions of your partner, not by relying upon each other to fix what ain't right to begin with. This is what being needy is partly about.

All I know is that spending that much time with someone is unhealthy for a new relationship.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Maybe, yes; maybe no. I'm not advising that the two of you not date and not see each other, just do it for the next several months from your respective homes. Telephone her every couple of days and check in, to talk, to plan, and to also ask her to go on dates with you. Build a healthy desire to be with each other, not a need. Each of you should be able to function and be just fine on your own, first and foremost. With this as one of the building blocks for a great relationship, now ask yourself "what can I do today to make her life better"?

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[Reticulum]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Maybe, yes; maybe no. I'm not advising that the two of you not date and not see each other, just do it for the next several months from your respective homes. Telephone her every couple of days and check in, to talk, to plan, and to also ask her to go on dates with you. Build a healthy desire to be with each other, not a need. Each of you should be able to function and be just fine on your own, first and foremost. With this as one of the building blocks for a great relationship, now ask yourself "what can I do today to make her life better"?

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

Well, we both left our partners for each other. Mine left quietly. Hers didn't. He came after us with a knife & tried to kill us. Luckily my friends turned up just in time. He was arrested after a car chase. This kind of brought us closer together.

Yes I know it's infatuation, but I also can't ignore those intense feelings that really does feel like love.
Ok, I might not love her, but I really feel like I'm in love. The way we just stare into each others eyes when we're in bed & just the way she makes me feel.
If things don't work out I always have a place to go. That's not a problem.

We spoke last night about how our relationship is dangerous as we're s into each other we're starting to let other things in our life go. I'm not doing as well as I should be at work, friends aren't coming back after the pub as much just so we have time to have loud sex, & as my director said "it's like you're in love & f**k everything else". It does feel like that.
I just feel like I don't care about anything but her. It's causing problems in our lives.
I'm at work & stuff's getting quite busy, but thanks for the advice

[romantic1]

We have been married for 37 years and we can't get enough of each other. We were even working together until her position was cut. That is not to say that we never do things apart from each other. I have taken a second part time job so we are not together as much as we were a year ago and she has a home based business that keeps us apart more. That only means that we crave our days off when we can be together again.

We went to resort on vacation and we were together 24/7.

All I am saying is it is different for everyone. I know you are just getting to know each other, and the relationship may change, but I really don't see anything wrong with it.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, you have 'got it bad', kiddo but not to worry, this level of intensity doesn't last all that long and things will come into balance - once you two have gotten over your 'guilt' of having 'poached' your partner from their previous partners. Once that happens you can stop 'having to prove you're soooo in love' with each other that you can finally get down to building a happy and healthy relationship with each other.