A Dating Ethics Question

[Ephemera]

Hello everybody,

I'm having a problem. I've just started seeing this girl. We've hooked up a couple of times, she's coming over tonight again. I'm single and she's really into me. She also has a boyfriend.

For me, I just don't feel comfortable hooking up with other people if I've decided to be exclusive with someone. But I'm not sure how I feel about, as my friend said, "being the other woman."

On one hand, we're 19 and it's not like they're getting married. But on the other, I know how feelings get hurt over these kinds of things. Do I really want to be in the middle of something like that? My gut says no and that it's wrong. But my reason says that it's not my choice to make, and why shouldn't I hook up with her? All I'm doing is hooking up with a friend.

Anyway... I guess I could use some other opinions.

Keep in mind that I don't want anything serious much less exclusive with her.

[lnt1103]

What's her agreement with the bf? If they're not exclusive and you're okay with it, go for it. If they ARE exclusive, and you don't like the situation as it stands, end it.

It most certainly IS your choice to make, because she's not the only one in that bed when you hook up. This is a two way street. You have every right and every reason to stand for what you believe in.

[headhead]

With all due respect to Ms. 1103, her arrangement with her other friend isn't any of your business.

Understand that there are only three different states of social status with respect to the opposite sex; single, engaged, and married. Or to be more direct, "exclusive boy/girlfriend" doesn't figure in the question.

As a practical matter, though, you have to wonder – if she does it to him, would she do it to you? If you couldn't accept that possibility, don't go there.

[lnt1103]

OK Mr. Head, you're honestly telling me you ask NO questions whatsoever before you get into bed with someone? That's a fantastic way to get beaten to a pulp by Hubby, who you didn't know existed. And granted, that's a little bit of hyperbole, but it makes the point.

It certainly IS his business. He has every right to know what her relationship status is and make his decision accordingly.

[headhead]

Don't put words in my mouth! You should know if she's married or engaged; and if she's not either, then she's single.

Then if you ask and she accepts, it's simple. What you don't have to know is what she does on dates with other people.

[EvilEvilKitten]

NO, INT.

The OP knows just as much as he should know to wit, the lady enjoys the attentions of more than just him. That is sufficient. The OP is not seeking exclusivity.

Eph - you're within ethical boundaries. You may even be civil and ask how her other man/men are doing. The thing about emotions is that, like orgasms, each is responsible for their own.

[Massdebator]

I've broken off an arrangement like the OP's before, because I wasn't comfortable with it. Unlike the OP, I did know that my date was in an "exclusive" relationship from the start. Our fling started when she wasn't interested in maintaining exclusivity, and ended when I realized that she wasn't going to make her relationship with her bf an open one. Regardless of whether or not I was within ethical boundaries as EEK says, my own moral compass pointed me in a different direction.

Like you, Eph, I wasn't offering the girl anything serious, but it was obvious that she was upset at herself for betraying her bf's trust. Still, she wanted to see more of me. I just didn't care to be in the middle of her moral conundrum.

In my opinion, the big issue is whether or not she has any hang-ups about her own decisions regarding you. You're not responsible for her hang-ups or her decisions, and your reasoning is correct when you think you aren't doing anything wrong. However, her hang-ups can make your life messy and your arrangement with her less enjoyable. You can find this out without having to ask her about her arrangement with her bf.

[lnt1103]

How many times, when we've discussed on this board whether an arrangement is considered 'cheating' or not, has the point been whether or not openness is agreed upon in the relationship? The OP has a right to know that status in order to make the choice that he's the most comfortable with. Just like the two, shall we say 'inside', have the right to as many details as they want about what goes on 'outside'.

And no, this is not just because I'm the prude who tried to be The Booty Call and failed. This is a safety thing in part. It's the whole thing about 'when you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they've slept with, and everyone THEY'VE slept with....'. OP has a right to all information he deems necessary in order to make a decision he can be comfortable with.

[headhead]

All is fair in love and war.

[EvilEvilKitten]

But whether her relationship with the boyfriend is open or not is HER business. SHE is the one who has the ethical decision to make. HER life is HER life and she will live it the way SHE sees fit.

If she wants to run a string of men, play the field and NOT stop with the first warm body who asks her out on a date - fine. She did all she had to do, ethically speaking, when she told Eph that he was not her one and only playmate.

You have to remember that none of these men are husbands. Stop giving boyfriends the rights of husbands.

Int, have you never heard of condoms? They do work very well as millions of swingers/Lifestylers can attest. Eph can ask her for her test results if he wants to NOT use condoms but I do not recommend the practice of going bareback.

Yes, he's going to bed with those who have gone to bed with her before him - but in experiences she has had and skills she has learned, not necessarily in illnesses she has or hasn't acquired.

Eph said it quite well - just friends playing together - which is exactly as it should be.