Problems with New Girlfriend

[davinci]

Firstly, I would like to say sorry in advance for the length of this thread, but I really do not know which way to turn.

Well, I met this girl 3 months ago and there was an instant attraction between us, kissing almost immediately, talking every evening for hours upon hours and things were going great. Then, after a couple of weeks, started to be very confusing.

There is a very obsessive ex on the scene, who will not allow her a moments peace. He will frequently text her 30 times a day, turn up at work, phone her etc. Whenever this happens, it has a devestating effect on her emotions. She is quiet, withdrawn and cold. This is her only ever serious bf. After the brilliant start, things have crawled along and although we see each other every week at least, she seems unable for us to develop the relationship.

One day, she is great and things seem to be going very well, the next day, her mood is bad and she doesnt want to talk to me. Whenever she is sad and angry, she refuses to talk about it and wont open up. Whenever she has opened up, she has told me her Mother used to beat her and that she has low self-esteem issues.

I dont know where this relationship is going. One minute, she calls me her bf, the next, she says we need to be more like friends. Everytime she comes over (once a week due to work), we sleep in the same bed, but often we never kiss but she holds my hand constantly and in a lot of ways, treats me like her bf. We speak every night almost and I know she has a lot of feelings for me.

I confronted her the other day about it when she asked me to not be so nice as she didnt deserve it because she was so cold to me. I told her that maybe we should not see each other any more and she almost started crying, saying "it really wasnt what she wanted". But the problem is, why isnt this relationship progressing? She likes me, I am a nice enough guy and we spend a lot of time together, but it just doesnt develop. Her moods are dictated by her ex and Im always having to adjust my behaviour to suit her latest mood. She knows she is cold, but says she cannot control it.

What do I do? I'm in love with this girl on a lot of levels but sometimes I cannot stand her attitude towards me. Trouble is, Im too much of a coward to tell her this and let her stew for a few days. All I want is for her to be brave and to give this relationship a go, but she seems unable to take that step - but wants me in her life.

She doesnt see the ex anymore, but he is in constant touch with her. I can handle this, but I need more from her.

Any help would be appreciated...I really do care for this girl and dont want to walk away, but I am at my wits end to understand what is going on in her head.

Thanks,

Dan

[Brandye]

Any intervention by the ex is causing old emotions to flare up. You may or may not be the one with whom she is angry. She either cuts him off completely or this will continue. Her choice. Stay clear until it is resolved.

[davinci]

Thank you, I wish I could stay clear but the problem is, I have too many feelings for her.

Thanks anyway for your response.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Look, buddy, if she doesn't have the ability to rid herself of an ex no matter how obsessive he is, then she's not woman enough for you but till some stupid little girl of 13 maybe trying to 'be nice' and yet taking it all out on you - got it?

Stop giving "little miss princess" a free ride.

Because men who get unclear signals still think they have a chance and will persist. She has to slap him down hard and make sure he gets the message loud and clear. But she's not doing that. She's wimping out. She may even go so far as to be all meek and timid and cozy up to you batting her eyelashes and ask you, her big strong 'protector', to do it for her.

Just another game little girls play.

Never forget the ad: "Honey, if you put on a new roof, I'll give you...a bagel!" "A bagel! Just for putting on a roof?!?!" and then the wife smirks thinking Hah! Sucker!

Yeah some girls do that.

Why not? If you don't work out like she wants, she can always go back to this other guy who's lingering about. So not only will she have a guy to do things for her but it also boosts her ego.

[dancingdoc2]

Yup, what she said.

Your friend needs to woman up and take charge of her life. When she is ready to do this, and, when she has had some time to herself, then maybe she will be ready for a relationship that might be you.

Rebound relationships rarely work, so if she has not been single for nine months to a year, she is not really ready for you or anybody else.

Until she changes her phone number(s), E-mail address, and perhaps moves into a different neighborhood, and if need be gets a restraining order or cease and desist order, he likely will keep bugging her. There is nothing you can do except explain what she probably should do, all or in part.

In the meantime, keep the lines of communication open, do not invite sleep overs, and do not date her. Give her the much needed space she needs for the next several months.

[Rouge]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Rebound relationships rarely work, so if she has not been single for nine months to a year, she is not really ready for you or anybody else.

In the meantime, keep the lines of communication open, do not invite sleep overs, and do not date her. Give her the much needed space she needs for the next several months.

I agree with what doc said, but have a little note to add on. SHE is a definite candidate for a 9 month to 1 year period out of a relationship, but to anyone reading NOT ALL PEOPLE NEED THIS. It depends on how serious the relationship was, and how well they understand what it is that they're going through.

A good sign of a rebound relationship is that the person who went through the breakup still thinks about, talks, or sees the other person regularly. If they forget the other person completely and understand why it didn't work, you're in the clear.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yet SOME people can remain friends with their past lovers. It all depends upon the maturity level of those involved. Just remember even though there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to human relationships, if you're NOT happy being with someone - then DON'T be with that someone.

[RATED-RKOFRANKLIN]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Yet SOME people can remain friends with their past lovers. It all depends upon the maturity level of those involved. Just remember even though there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to human relationships, if you're NOT happy being with someone - then DON'T be with that someone.

I don't like everything you post but I totally agree with you with this statement. I know friends who are still friends with their past partners.

[captaincrunch]

3 months? too soon to say i love someone specially someone with hangups. shes not ready for you man

[EvilEvilKitten]

Thank you. Unfortunately everything I post is true and works. Most of it is also designed to irritate people enough to make tham QUESTION what they do or believe - to get them off the couch, so to speak.