Unsure

[Sekcboi85]

So, I have been going out with this girl for about 6 weeks only and we are having some problems. Here is the story.

First off, I was a little apprehensive to even start a relationship with her because she has a very dark history. She was raised by her Grandmother, never really talked to her mother, and when she finally met her father at the age of 16, he raped her. She used to do a lot of drugs when she was younger and get into a lot of trouble. Normally, I wouldn't even consider dating someone like this but she has turned her life around the past few years. She now only does marijuana which is no problem with me because I do it too. She isn't as wild as she used to be, stopped doing other drugs and smoking cigarettes but I still wonder how all that history affects her thinking now.
She also has a lot of guy friends and 3-4 of them are her ex-boyfriends. 2 of these friends are pretty close to her too. I am not normally a jealous person, but I am finding it harder to bite my tongue when she talks to them on the phone or says shes going to hang out with them. Especially since I know that one of her exes that she talks to regularly still has feelings for her and wants her.

Anyway, the last week we have been fighting a lot. She seems to misunderstand what I say a lot and take it as something negative. So when she gets mad at me I don't really understand why. Now, I know I have a tendency to be misunderstood sometimes but I don't see why it happens so often with her and why she always takes everything I say as something bad. The other day I gave her what I thought was a compliment and she took it as an insult and we got into a big fight over it. I tried to explain what I meant but she wouldn't listen.

I should mention that we are both very stubborn people and that doesn't help when we start fighting. I also tend to be over-confident and tend to think that I am right most of the time.

So, your thoughts?

[lnt1103]

Certainly her past helps to shape her thinking. But instead of holding her past against her, a person in your position should be using it as a lens through which to view, and attempt to understand, that thinking.

At only 6 weeks along in a relationship, misunderstanding each other's comments can still happen. Hell, I'm almost 2 years into one and we still misunderstand each other now and again. It just happens. The way you get through it is by continuing to work on good communication. Earnestly listen to, and respect, the other's point of view, and then respond earnestly and respectfully. I once read in someone's ground rules for arguments with their mate something to the affect of: speak without attacking, and listen without defending. Just because she received something you said in a way that you didn't intend it, doesn't invalidate her feelings, it just means something got lost in translation. You have to figure out each other's vocabulary, if you follow me. And 'always' and 'never' are rarely accurate...don't make those accusations, especially in a moment where she misunderstood what you said--it only makes matters worse. Instead of 'no, you took that wrong', the sentiment you're after is 'no, what I meant was...'. Don't invalidate her, clarify yourself.

Does that help?

[Sekcboi85]

Actually, that helps a lot. That is some of the best advice I have ever heard.
Thanks a lot and I hope to see more replies =)

[lnt1103]

The biggest thing is patience with and respect for each other. Try not to get too exasperated with her when this happens---if you come across like 'SIGH....you took that wrong.....again' that translates into you're not listening to her and you don't care about her feelings.

And, the other thing you gotta remember is, it's a defense mechanism on her part. Precisely what she's defending against only she knows, but for one thing, she's probably afraid of the very thing you mentioned as your first instinct about her. She probably experiences that apprehension from people a lot, and it's not a nice feeling. She's probably very keenly aware that people can be like that, and she could be afraid it will happen again.

I've had several health things in my life, both mental and physical, and I once asked T what he wanted with me given all that stuff. Luckily for me, his response was to ask me what right he had to hold it against me. But not all are that way.

[ButterflyKisses]

Int, you covered the misunderstanding/arguing beautifully.

I'm gonna try to nail your other concern, about her hanging out with these other guys. Basically, thats also going to be a communication thing. I understand that you're not really the jealous type, but feeling the way you are about her hanging out with these other guys, ex's especially, is completely legit in my book. However the solution, again, is communication. Its not unreasonable for you to tell her that you're a bit uncomfortable with her hanging out with these guys so much, but not because you think she's untrustworthy. Just explain your feelings without being jealous or defensive, help her to understand where you're coming from and let her know you trust her, but not them(provided this is the case). It probably can't hurt to let her know that she can trust you, too. I bet she'll be much easier to be around once she finally relaxes with you and knows for sure that she can trust you. Remember, the relationship is still new, only 6 weeks. You two are still discovering who the other is as a person, so don't rush it.

Good luck!

[EvilEvilKitten]

I agree with Int about EFFECTIVE communication. I disagree with Butterfly - jealousy is never legit no matter how one dresses it up. Especially in this case! Let me explain.

She has been betrayed deeply in her past. She has had to fight for whatever she has now. She has what is called a "survivor" mentality.

This means that she is deeply insecure, quick to take offense, quick to perceive danger even when there isn't any, hesitant to admit error, and doesn't delegate or compromise well. Think of her as a particularly short-tempered tigress and handle with great care.

6 weeks is no where near long enough to gain her trust.
6 weeks is far too early to expect her to relax and let you into her inner life.
6 weeks means you're still on probation.

Given the above - you can now see that ANY attempt to come between her and her male friends is doomed to failure and will only result in YOU being cut out of her life.

Are you ready to hear the answer?

[Xsnap]

once again evilkitten comes with view that is ooo so true, relationships are hard to start with, but do have to deal with somebody with a past a little more troubled then most can kill it before it begins. Keep in mind tho, the start of a relationship is the time to teach your partner how you would like to be treated for the future. Unhealthy habits now will lead to a unhealthy relationship down the road. While you want to be understanding, DO NOT let her walk over you and verbally attack you, if you have to end to convo and come back to it later while she's in less of a funk, do so.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Well, ty, Xsnap.

And you're almost there. Half -right I'd say.

Number One Rule when dealing with "survivors" is do NOT fight with them. Ever. No arguing.

How you do this is keep your cool. Remember that it is the war and not the battle you're trying to win. You use mild humor to difuse the situation "Hmmm that didn't come out right. Hang on! Let me think here. I'm a guy, so you know I have foot-in-mouth disease." It isn't so much as rolling over but more as simply refusing to fight, raise your voice, or to hear bad language. Remember that it is impossible to be angry when you're laughing so hard you cry - if you can her to that point, you're golden.

Rule Number Two do NOT tell a survivor how to live his/her life

He/she has gotten this far, right? All you should aim to do is assist him/her to go where he/she wants to go. If you don't know where that is ASK. "What's next?" Only offer solutions if asked for them. "How would it be if I did....?"
"What do you think of trying it this way....?"

Also if asked for an opinion and you're male - you don't have one and she can't make you have one. You're not falling for that old ploy either. If she wants to get an opinion out of you, she'll have to work a whole lot harder than that! Tell her so while grinning at her. It works. She'll say MEN! in an exasperated tone - but it is all good.

Got it? You're a big strong teddybear who thinks she's cute and there's nothing she can do about it! You're not changing your mind - she's cute, dammit, and she'll just have to accept it.

Now then - onto the jealousy thing.

You have no rivals. Those other guys - do not exist and even if they did, they're not at all important. The big strnog teddybear regards those other guys as "Ken dolls" that she'll eventually tire of and put away on the shelf. Oh, you're polite and all should you meet them - got to be mannerly - but you're far too big of a man to be bothered by them.

Cool, Confident, Controlled but never 'controlling', and very Cuddlable - for the right woman. That's your target.

This method will require patience on your part but it does work very well indeed. How do you think my husband kept hold of me for all these years, the pesky man!

[dancingdoc2]

The next few times you say something that you believe she has minterpreted, ask her to repeat back to you what you said. You may be surprised to learn that what she thought you said and what you actually said are two different things.

As for being "right", please keep in mind that relationships are partnerships in which a series of negotiations take place. There is no "you're not the boss of me", only a guide in which you guide the relationship along with your partner's cooperation. Work together in order to get the most of what both of you want.

[Sekcboi85]

I'm not sure if we can work together. She doesn't seem to like compromise and it seems that if I don't do it then we won't stop fighting. I mean, I feel like I am trying too hard and draining too much energy in the relationship while she doesn't really care nearly as much as I do.

Last night we went out and were having a great time. Then all of a sudden when I tried to hold her and give her a kiss while we were shooting pool, she just pushes me away and says "no." So I ask her whats wrong and she just tells me that "she doesn't know." So I figure maybe she doesn't want to do that at the pool hall(which doesn't really make sense because she has been all over me at other semi-public places). Anyway, I cut down on trying to kiss her until we got back to her place. And even when we were alone, she got upset at me when I tried to kiss her. She said she just doesn't want me to touch her now. So I asked her to explain because I was confused and she wouldn't tell me anything. So I got a little upset at her lack of communication and that only pissed her off. She started going off on how she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to and she doesn't need to explain anything to me.

Anyway, we argued for a bit and then I tried to talk about it again. I guessed that the reason she didn't want me to touch her was because other people from her past have hurt her and she is worried that I might do the same. She said this was true and I asked her if she thinks I only want to touch/kiss her because I only want sex from her and she basically said she thinks that sometimes. I really don't get it because she already tested me once by making me wait to have sex with her. I hate those kind of test but I thought it was over with already. And I hate the fact that she won't ever tell me how she is feeling. If I don't read her mind and say how she is feeling, I won't ever know because she won't tell me.

I'm kind of frustrated right now because I feel like she only see's her side of things and doesn't care about how I feel. Maybe she just expects the guy to not have any emotions like that but I can't help but feel hurt when she tells me she doesn't want to touch me and doesn't want to explain why.

Sorry its a little jumbled.. I gotta go to work and didn't have time to get my thoughts fully together.

Thanks for reading.