Unsure

[Sekcboi85]

Well, I had a long talk with her about some of the stuff I was feeling and I think that things will be a lot better now. And I took note of your guys advice about giving her some space and time to trust me more. I will try to practice more patience and give her more time to open up to me and feel comfortable with me.

And your right EEK, I think I will give her a few months and if things don't get better in my eyes, then its time to move on. And I think it will be a great learning experience.

Thanks for all the help everyone!

[Sekcboi85]

So much for that plan... I decided to be spontaneous yesterday and bought her a really nice card and I wrote some really deep and meaningful stuff on it. I also bought some chocolate and some cute items that I knew she needed, like eyedrops because she is always complaining about dry eyes.
Anyway, she basically made me feel like I shouldn't have even come and surprising her like that wasn't good because she just woke up from a nap. When I asked her why she can't just be happy that I did something nice for her she told me that I shouldn't have even come.

So basically, we got into a huge fight and its over now. I can't put myself through all this just for the hope that she might "come around" one day and Love me. I just don't think I should have to put in so much effort and put up with so much while she doesn't even care about me.


So thanks for the advice everyone. It will help me in the future and I do understand things a lot better now. Thank you!

[lnt1103]

You've mentioned before that she's told you you shouldn't be so nice to her. Sounds like she's so used to people being S-heads to her that she doesn't know how to react when people treat her well. She may not believe she, as a human being, is worth it.

Sorry Sek. Your heart was in the right place.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Dammit!!!

YOU are to blame for this break-up!

Why didn't you listen???

STOP RUSHING. STOP PUSHING. JUST WAIT.

Jeez is that so damn hard?

One nice thing, skimming lightly over the top and then moving on - but NO you had to go full bore straight ahead rushing to get a validation from her that she was not ready to give and you SCARED her away. She though Psycho-obsessive guy - not teddybear.

Hell yeah she broke up with you.

*brick applied to side of your head, buddy*

DON'T RUSH WOMEN

Int - HE blew it. She was trying to tell him to back off with her comment stop being so nice. She wasn't saying that she expects people to be shitheads nor was she saying that she doesn't deserve niceness/kindness from people. She was telling him to slow down, do not become emotionally invested this quickly. His heart may have been in the right place, BUT his head wasn't.

[Sekcboi85]

I'm sorry, but if that is really what I am supposed to do then I rather be single than be in a relationship with her. I see what your saying EEK, and I probably was moving too fast for her liking, but it takes two people to make a relationship and I don't think I should have to drop everything that I feel just to comfort her and make her feel how she wants. So I don't think its fair to say that I am the blame for everything.

[lnt1103]

I have to agree with a couple of EEK's basic concepts on that one--I just wasn't going to right away...kicking while down and all that.

Often the camel's back gets broken before the one who's capable of moving faster truly understands how slow the other needs things to go. I think that was the case here.

What you're supposed to do is take your cue from the other person, instead of expecting them to conform to everything you need/want. You're right, it takes two to make a relationship. Unfortunately, you were paying more attention to what you THOUGHT she SHOULD want/need, than you were to what she ACTUALLY did.

You were at opposite ends of a speed spectrum in which speed is scary. For people at the slow end, middle ground can even be freaky if it's an immediate jump. Just for the sake of making it more describable, lets say she was at 5mph and you were at 55mph. Middle ground being roughly 30. When every single mph she gains is such a huge step for her, you can't ask her to go from 5-30 in 4.5 seconds. It's a whole lot easier for you to hit the brakes than it is for her to force herself to hit the gas. You gotta let her move one mph at a time for a while, then after she's done that several times, you can help guide her to a couple-three mph at a time.

Sorry. Driving analogies have a special place in my heart. But you get the idea (I hope).

[Sekcboi85]

Hahaha.. No the driving analogy was awesome and made things easier to understand. I totally see your points that I was rushing things and it may have made her freak out. But I guess I just felt like I was putting in 5x the amount of effort that she was and it wasn't acceptable to me. And if I'm not happy with her, then I don't see the point in staying. Like you all said, its not fair to her or me. At least I can respect myself for being honest with her and treating her fairly by letting her go.

Better luck next time eh =)

[lnt1103]

And I'm not arguing that you should have stayed if you felt you shouldn't stay. That choice is on you. But do you see that it's not about her not putting in effort? It's about her effort doesn't help her take as big a steps as yours seem to. She puts in all that effort but only gains one mph, where you put in the same effort and gain 5 or 10. That makes it feel like hers is less effort, but it's not, it's just less progress.

Here's why driving analogies are so close to my heart, and I think it fits here: I'm almost 31 and have only been driving a car for a year and a half. I drive to work every day, even take optional drives on weekends. But I have still never driven the interstate or highway. A year and a half ago, I didn't like driving AT ALL and felt fast at 20mph (literally this time LOL). Now I can go 35 or so, and drive 10-15 times a week!!

Even though compared to you, I probably barely drive at all, compared to me a year and a half ago, I drive a TON.

See what I mean?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Oky since he might not understand, think of - how would you like it had the situation been reversed and YOU were the survivor and this woman you didn't know THREW herself at you, DEMANDING that you marry her right this minute and give her your all for all time!!!

Freak you out, ya think?

Oh yes, in a huge way! And you'd run for your very life!

You may not think that you did that, but SHE thought precisely that.

You demanded that she run before she could walk.

So yes, you're fault but still you did the right thing by leaving her.

[Sekcboi85]

Well, things just get more and more confusing lol...

I took a friends advice and just ignored her rants that she was writing on facebook. Then last night, she calls me and is crying and telling me how much of a mistake she made and how sorry she is for making me feel bad. And she wants to know if we can get back together.

I gotta say, I wasn't expecting that since she basically forced me to break up with her when I asked her if she can respect my feelings more and she said "NO, you are asking for too much." So why would she change her mind now all of a sudden?

If anything, this is an interesting turn of events even though I have no idea what to do now. I'm not even asking for an answer, just thought I'd share since I find it very interesting.