Unsure

[lnt1103]

Sounds to me like she's scared to let you in, but she's finding herself wanting to let you in, and it could be the first time in a very long time she actually WANTS to let someone in, so the thought of doing so probably scares her even more. And if you actually followed that without re-reading it, you're at least half a step ahead. And that's with having it in writing to go back and re-read if you need to, think how she feels with it all floating through her head

Was the waiting thing really testing you, or was it trying to get herself over some emotional hump? Think about it a second. If the latter, it's completely possible that she thought she'd gotten herself over it, but now she thinks she might have been wrong.

Keep in mind that it's only been 6 weeks for you two. Quite frankly, if she's been hurt in the past and is afraid it could happen again, I'm surprised she's slept with you already. Maybe she is too, ya know? Believe it or not, she's probably confusing herself as much as she's confusing you.

Give her some time. She needs to learn a couple things. First, that she can make good decisions about who to trust. Second, that you're one of those people. This is not about her being suspicious of you, as much as it's about her not quite knowing how to handle the situation or trusting herself to do so in the right way.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sek - weren't you listening to me???

If she says No then dammit it is NO. You have really got to get over this idea you have that you're doing all the work and communication. She's communicating but you're not listening!

Relax. Slow down. Follow her lead. Do not challenge her or debate/argue - it just isn't worth it. Every time you push her - she panics! Haven't you gotten that yet?

Of course she doesn't care how you feel. Everyone in her past has taught NOT to care because no one cared about her. She can only hear the alarm bells going off in her head every time you don't take NO for an answer and seem, to her, to be just like all the rest of the people in her past -only out for what you want when you want it.

Stop making her protect herself from you.

[Sekcboi85]

So I am just supposed to accept "NO" and get no explanation to why she is acting that way when every other time we have been together she acts totally different?

I guess I am wondering if its worth it to have to work this hard just to keep the relationship alive. I feel like all my energy is being sucked out just to keep her happy and I don't have enough to worry about making myself happy.

I do appreciate your honestly EEK, even though it can sometimes be harsh.. I'll try to write again tomorrow when I'm less emotional about it.

[lnt1103]

Yes, you're supposed to accept NO for an answer. And yes, you're supposed to accept a lack of explanation...until she's capable of giving one.

Recognize that the reason she can't explain could be that she doesn't understand it herself. Why else would she tell you she doesn't know when you ask what's wrong? How can she help you understand, if she doesn't?

Do you only try to talk with her about her issues when it gets in the way of physical stuff? By that I mean, do these conversations only happen when you try something, she says no, so you try to make her justify her answer? If so, that's where she's feeling the pressure come from.

Stop taking it as a personal affront when she says no. This thing she's got going on is a roadblock to more than just your penis. It's a roadblock to the rest of her life. So if you truly want to help her get past it, for HER OWN sake, get the bedroom out of your head. Back up the truck and let HER come to YOU about these issues. She'll open up when she's ready.

Is it worth it? That depends on what you're evaluating. Is the relationship worth it....if she's The One, I'll guarantee you it is. Is sex worth it...that's something only you can decide. But if your answer to either one is no and you go, in her mind, you will have proven her right about trusting people.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Exactly right, Int !!!

Hey guy - if all you want her for is to get your dick wet - then NO this 'relationship' is far too good for you and she deserves better. Walk before she rips your throat out and spits on your corpse.

However, if you're man enough to actually like this girl FOR HERSELF, as Int so very well put it, then YES - you will have saved a person from a life wasted. You will be a hero.

You have to understand that trauma has a way of stopping a person's emotional growth. She is still emotionally the age when her family all went to hell. And being raped by one's own father - DAMN HIM! - is enough to ruin her for life. Some one who is supposed to care for her above all others, including himself, treated her as if she were no more important to him than a broken down Cuisinart he just threw onto the garbage dump.

Now, the question you have to ask yourself, when evaluting whether this relationship is worth all this work - is are you any better than her Dad is?

Only you can make up your mind about this and yes, it is going to be hard and painful work - two steps forward and one step back - it will take time that you might not have to spend - so if you decide against continuing - tell her now and walk.

[lnt1103]

Wow, mark the calendar! EEK just said I'm EXACTLY right.


Kidding, only kidding


On a more serious note, if OP's girlfriend doesn't have a professional counselor, she should get one.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I agree with you there. She needs a pro counselor - the trouble being of course, that she won't see it that way. Survivors are the classic case of a people who would rather die of thirst than accept a glass of water from someone they do not like/trust/respect. There's always an excuse.

[Sekcboi85]

Thanks very much EEK and Int... You have got me thinking about things in ways that I didn't before. Thank you very much for taking the time to give me some really good advice.

And no, it isn't only about physical stuff. There have been other times where she just shut down and wouldn't tell me anything and it is frustrating. But like you said, if I really want to be with her than I have to learn to deal with some of her insecurities for now. At least until she is totally comfortable with me.

I guess the big question I really have to ask myself is if I think its worth it. I see your point that this might take more work by me than a normal relationship would and if I'm not up for it then I should just get out now. It will be more fair to her and I won't be wasting my time. Well, I feel a lot better after seeing your comments and I guess I have a decision to make.

Thanks again everyone

[lnt1103]

Again, when you think about her comfort level with you and how much she's willing to open up, I would urge you to keep in mind that you're only a couple months into this. Not everyone, and in particular not someone who's been through what she has, is ready to be an open book by that time.

Good luck!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sek - in one way this experience could be quite good for you for several reasons.

1. you learn to recognise the signs of a survivor sooner
2. you learn a useful and very attractive way of 'handling' women (guys, teddybears always win) whether survivor or not
3. this technique can also be used on the job esp when negotiating


If you do choose to stay with her - set yourself a time limit of another 6 months. If she isn't opening up to you - really opening up to you - you'll have to let her go. At that point, you have to save yourself.