I have never been on a date

[ihl]

I am an adult male (mid 30's).

I have never had a girlfriend, and I have never been on a date. I want a girlfriend soo bad, and I really want to have sex really bad. I would love to have a relationship with a girl, and I would love to fall in love. I am intelligent and handsome, yet terribly shy around girls, and my lack of sex has created several anxiety disorders.

There are dozens of reasons why I fear sex (yet I desire sex so much). The main reason, actually-the latest excuse I am telling myself-is that I am afraid if I am having sex with a girl and she smiles, I won't be able to return the smile. I can't really smile because I am soo depressed. I am depressed because I am not having sex. Yet, I feal that sex might make me happy, but the anxiety that I know I will get just makes me scared of having sex. I get panic attacks just from talking to people, so I know I will get a panic attack if I try to have sex.

I blush just from talking to girls.

I fear that if she smiles during sex, or while we are kissing, and I can't smile back, then I would violate her right to be happy during sex. I am afraid that if I can't be happy while having sex, then I simply won't be able to experience pleasure in anything in life.

My whole life is boiling down to me realizing that I am not getting laid.

If I ever meet a girl, should I be honest with her and tell her that I don't have experience dating, and I lack basic social skills? If I ever go on a date and the date goes bad, would it be appropiate to ask her for advice on where the date went wrong, and what would be the best remedy? Or should I simply respect her right to end the date?

I feel that if I go on a date I will need to apologize in advance for the date not advancing beyond the actual duration of the date.

Are there girls that desire, fantasize, or otherwise get turned on by meeting a guy who doesn't have experience dating? I ask this last question because I know that all my friends say that they would love to pound a virgin.

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that address the most common concerns and questions people have. If you go to the site's Home page you will find additional information.

Here is an article found in the Index that may begin to help settle your nerves.

HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say:

What I want you to read is the part about each new relationship having a new Square One. Prior experience or no experience, each new relationship begins at the same point. "Experience" equates to knowledge, not skill.

I also recommend that you read the other articles listed in the Index because knowledge is empowering. Begin with those dealing with dating and making out, first and second.

Now, how do you begin looking for a woman to date? Network. Inform family members, friends, and, coworkers that you are interested in dating and to help you find someone. The more people you have looking on your behalf, the greater your chance for success. Next, be seen where women can be found. Join a social or business organization. Join a sports club. Join a hobby related club. Go to church and join one of their groups. Volunteer.

If you are uncomfortable talking to members of the fairer gender, smile and look into her eyes. Next ask leading questions that require a woman to provide answers. If you have not yet noticed, women tend to be chatty creatures, so all you have to do is ask a question that requires an answer and then stand/sit back and listen. As you listen, you can then interject more questions or comments in order to keep the conversation moving along. It's actually quite easy as they are doing most of the work.

When it comes time to talk about you, do not tell all in one session. Give a litte bit of information at a time over time. The point is twofold; first, that you do not have to think up things to say; second, that you keep her interest and wanting more. This gives you fuel for the next date.

If the initial date goes well, at the end, express your interest in another and if she hasn't volunteered that she is interested in you--state that you hope she had a good time and would like to do this again. Call her in two days (no E-mail, no texting) and ask her out for next.... Tell her what you would like to do or ask if she has been wanting to do something special, then fir up the date. Ask if 6:00 is a good time to call or would 6:30 (or whatever time is appropriate) is better. If she says she is busy yet is interested, ask her to give you a time to pick her up.

Read the article on kissing.

Do not worry about sex for a few months. In the meantime get to know each other and if there is a connection, begin fooling around and making out. There is a lot of information on all this, also.

So, the thing to understand is that in the normal progression of dating, sex is likely to be out in the future quite a ways. This gives you time to become comfortable with each other. How do you do this? Do you come into contact with women on a daily basis? Do you converse with them? These same conversational tools come into play with a potential date, also.

I understand your hesitency and nervousness about interacting with women. Women rarely bite, especially if they are the least bit interested in a person. So be yourself and be natural.

Understand the purpose of dating. It is to date lots of people, sometimes two at a time, in order to learn what humanity has to offer in a potential mate and to better recognize when Mr./Ms. Right comes along. You also learn about personalities, character, likes, dislikes, goals, morals, quirks, and so much more. A date may only last through dinner; others will last a few dates; several, and a couple will be long term relationships. If a date only lasts one or two outings, no harm no foul. Understand that this is the nature of things and do not be hard on yourself or disappointed. Console yourself by knowing you had a good dinner and conversation and did not spend the evening home alone. Then, work on the next person.

If you blush, if your speech pattern shows nervousness, admit to this and more often than not these conditions will go away. I learned about being nervous back in high school when taking a speech class and how to stand up before a crowd and not crumble to the floor or stutter and stammer not being able to say anything.

> My whole life is boiling down to me realizing that I am not getting laid.

If I ever meet a girl, should I be honest with her and tell her that I don't have experience dating, and I lack basic social skills?

As to the first part: NEVER! As to the second part: NO. As you learned by reading the article on experience, each new relationship begins on its own and has nothing to do with anything in the past. As for the second part, I do hope your Mama done taught you manners. As for skills, just be friendly and let things unfold.

As for love making or sex. Let's work on getting a date. We can work on the finer points, later.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[Brandye]

Forget experience. You will quite possibly encounter women with exactly the same experience as yourself. You could use some help untangling the various issues and a therapist would likely have you in some group activities that include women with analogous feelings.

See a therapist.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by ihl

I am an adult male (mid 30's).

I am intelligent and handsome, yet terribly shy around girls, and my lack of sex has created several anxiety disorders.

Women are people too, so just relax. As I mentioned last night, they won't bite especially if interested in you or possibly becoming interested. If you deal with women at work or in public, then just use whatever skills you use for these occasions. My guess is that your anxieties come from worrying about "what ifs" and perhaps just performing perfectly. If so, then there is no need to worry needlessly about things that might happen yet have not, and the fact is we are all human so mistakes happen. What is important is how we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on. Do not worry about this until it happens. In fact don't worry, period. Use the manners and graciousness taught to you, appologize if necessary, and either continue or change directions. If necessary, tell her, "ya know, I goofed...let's try this instead."

There are dozens of reasons why I fear sex (yet I desire sex so much). The main reason, actually-the latest excuse I am telling myself-is that I am afraid if I am having sex with a girl and she smiles, I won't be able to return the smile.

Now you have to know this is irrational fear. I tell all of my dance students to smile--even if thru clenched teeth. Learning to dance produces the same angst in men as having sex for the first couple of times, regardless of age. I wait until they have acquired some skill and confidence before adding this new task. You'd be surprised, at first they can't smile and dance at the same time, yet within moments, smiling calms them down and off they go. I have no doubts that smiling will have the same affect during romance for you.

One of the keys to getting what you want is to act your way to success. Just like an actress or actor in a play or other production, they act like the person they are protraying. Same goes with this for you. If you lack confidence--act like you do. Not arogantly--confidently. Behave your way to success, and in a short time, you will have acquired what you desire.

I can't really smile because I am soo depressed. I am depressed because I am not having sex.

As my great aunt used to tell me, "there ain't no word as 'can't'". Your assignment for the next ten days is to make eye contact briefly with people in passing and smile at them as you walk by. I suspect that it will feel awkward in the beginning, yet if you continue to smile at the next person in passing you will find that this becomes easier and eventually almost second nature. Some will return your glance, others will not. Many will return your smile, and what a pleasant feeling this is. Don't "try", do it.

Yet, I feal that sex might make me happy, but the anxiety that I know I will get just makes me scared of having sex. I get panic attacks just from talking to people, so I know I will get a panic attack if I try to have sex.

Does talking to men give you an attack, or is it women? What about strangers vs. people you know?

"Might make me happy?" Why wouldn't it if you are participating in an activity with someone you love and with someone who loves and cares about you? That said, get the "maybe" out of your head and substitute "will". If performance is what is bugging you, you have to know and understand that a couple explores and learns together. So what if things do not quite go as planned? No harm, no foul. Make midcourse corrections and keep going. Making love is dynamic and fluid, it IS NOT done by the numbers so do not expect to have a detailed "road map". If you adopt the explore and learn together and take the information to heart that is in the article on experience, then all this should reduce your anxiety level. Lastly, why worry or why work yourself up into a dither? For what purpose. Making love is not what we do to each other, it is what we do with and for.... You therefore have a willing and cooperative partner who is in this with you.

Yes, making love is serious business, however, you cannot take it so seriously that you do not have fun.

I blush just from talking to girls.

That's fine. Talk to more of them. Listen to them as they talk and smile every so often. Uncomfortable? No doubt it will be in the beginning, yet you cannot expect change by simply wishing for it.

I fear that if she smiles during sex, or while we are kissing, and I can't smile back,

Will the lights be on or off? If you have established an emotional connection with the woman, why c/wouldn't you smile?

Kissing involves "pucker power". Smiling if it happens comes before and after.

then I would violate her right to be happy during sex.

"Violate her 'right'?" Oh come on now! Get off your high horse and get real. You are all wound up like a tight spring about to unwind. You will find that in addition to an occasional smile your facial features will change considerably as you become more and more aroused. Think about what happens to your body as you masturbate. You may frown, show deep concentration, look like you are in pain, spaced out; and, your body will become tense, you may stretch your legs, arch your back, perspire, etc. Do you worry about whether or not any of these will happen, happen in a specific way, not at all, or, that you will perspire too much or not enough, or.....? These are the "numbers" that just do not enter into this at all.

If she is with you willingly, if she is participating and reciprocating willingly, if you are hugging and cuddling, than you can pretty much guarantee she is happy.

I am afraid that if I can't be happy while having sex, then I simply won't be able to experience pleasure in anything in life.

Dang, dude, do you need a detailed road map for everything you set out to do?

If you are with the woman you have an emotional tie with, if you are exploring and learning together, if you are not so up tight that you can't relax and work on pleasuring each other, then you need to come down off your unrealistic pedestal of high expectations and begin enjoying being in each other's company regardless of what the two of you end up doing.

As a pilot I have often been asked by curious people upon returning from a flight "what direction did you fly off in"; rather than point a finger in one direction, I would frequently spread my fingers and reply "thataway". My point is that you can have fun experiencing the unexpected and that just doing things with each other that are not planned can be fun.

My whole life is boiling down to me realizing that I am not getting laid..[/COLOR]

OK, so "boil" up something else, instead. If you are thinking about this all the time you are not having fun, so change your mind and think about and do other things. This is similar advice we give a horny young teen who can't stop thinking about or doing anything else by masturbating. He has to focus on and do other things. The distraction is actually healthy, not to mention productive

[dancingdoc2]

If I ever meet a girl, should I be honest with her and tell her that I don't have experience dating, and I lack basic social skills? If I ever go on a date and the date goes bad, would it be appropiate to ask her for advice on where the date went wrong, and what would be the best remedy? Or should I simply respect her right to end the date?

Asked and answered. What social skills do you believe you are lacking?
A woman expects confident behavior from a man, even if, she understands he lacks experience. Nearly always, if a date goes bad, you can do your own analyzing.

Expect that if you date lots of women, some dates will last one dinner, others a few more, a few will continue on for several months, and one or two will be keepers for the longterm. Once in a great while a woman might end a date early, yet I dare say something would have to say that something would have to be seriously wrong, or, she simply is in a rush and if she does not like you for whatever reason will cut to the chase and leave. I often joke with people that they should plan the first date around having a meal at a restaurant before anything else. The door swings both ways, if you catch my drift. Either of you can get up and leave at any time. So, do not concern yourself with this. The likelihood of this ever happening is slim. Most people will at least finish their meal and enjoy some degree of polite conversation before deciding to end the date for whatever reason.

Do not over analyze the what ifs, and do not worry about something before there is a need. As previously stated, if you go on a first date expecting nothing more than a good meal and some conversation, you have accomplished much more than if you had stayed home alone. More often than not, the date will go well enough to book a second and a third. If a burgeoning relationship ends, it ends. This is what dating is all about. Do not for a moment believe you did something wrong or that you failed somehow. Why do people date? To learn more about others and to be better at recognizing when Mr./Ms. Right comes into our life. That said, others will come and go thru no fault of your own. It's called incompatability.

I feel that if I go on a date I will need to apologize in advance for the date not advancing beyond the actual duration of the date.

What does this mean. Please clarify. I think I just answered this.
"Apologize in advance?" where is the confident behavior and attitude in this?

Are there girls that desire, fantasize, or otherwise get turned on by meeting a guy who doesn't have experience dating? I ask this last question because I know that all my friends say that they would love to pound a virgin.

"Pound?" Come on, you can think up a classier way of stating the obvious.

Also, while this may be true, consider that when you do find a woman to date, the chances of her being a virgin will be slim. By her mid to late 20s, most women have a history that includes sex, and sometimes a child or two. If a woman comes into your life are you going to quiz her about her past? I don't think so. Her past life as with your past life, is personal. She will share of it what she wants you to know. Before you share your life's history, ask yourself "of what benefit is it for her to know this or that". Remember what I said about exploring and learning as you go? A person's history has a way of making itself known over time. Being a virgin or not? Remember what I said about exploring and learning as you go--and about one person being more experienced than the other? Each new relationship can be considered to be "virginal". Each relationship has a Square One and does not have any connection with past relationships.

Got questions?

[EvilEvilKitten]

STOP IT!

Go to a sex professional and get over this funk you're in!

Women do not bite and will not cry if you don't smile at them. Jeez!
You're in your mid 30's not your early teens and so are the women you're most likely going to date.
They've been there and done that - so get over this silliness and get on with your life.

THIS is why keeping your virginity beyond high school is a handicap.

[ihl]

I have asked my doctor about seeing a sex therapist; however, the visit to see a sex therapist is not covered by my medical insurance.

You guys mentioned about panic attacks.

I get panic attacks around everyone, including my own family, relatives, and friends. I have had to end several friendships because of my anxiety. I hate myself for ending these friendships.

It was mentioned that I should just smile and enjoy the conversation. Before you bang your fist down in frustration, let me just say that smiling is actually an incredibly difficult thing for me to do. Some people take it for granted that smiling is a basic, fundamental expression; a tangible acknowledgment that you are proud to be in their company. My natural compulsion is to not smile around people. That is just the way I am.

I know what you are thinking: go see a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are highly inept. They don't do therapy and only prescribe anti-depressants. I have been abandoned by a couple psychiatrists because I couldn't afford the latest SSRI that hit the market. My doctors have been prescribing anti-depressants for over 15 years, and they have never worked. I asked my doctor about anti-anxiety medication and he swiftly said no, and accused me of being a drug seeker.

I am a blue collar guy, so my line of work seldomly involves me interacting with girls. I can't go to college and interact with girls there because of my anxiety; I had to drop out of college precisely because of this problem. Mind you, I enrolled in college not to further my education, but rather to try to conquer my fears of socializing. I never made it into the second year.

I just feel that society puts so much pressure on men to get laid. I know women are pressured to.

I love women; I know that just like men, women are human to. I just have so little experience with women, be it through physical or non physical means.

Why have I vested so much worry about dating and falling in love? Because if I fall in love, then I might get cured from my depression and I could start to enjoy life. I believe that women are the key.

I am just upset that if people know I haven't dated before, then they might think that I am odd. Dating to me is a phase of life that people go through, much like learning to crawl, to walk, to speak, to ride a bike, to swim, and so on. Because I haven't

By the way: I have an aggressive form of OCD. This should help you understand why I worry too much.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Take your meds. There are those that handle both OCD and anxiety.

Fear is crippling you so FIX THE FEAR FIRST.
THEN you can move on to other things.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by ihl

I have asked my doctor about seeing a sex therapist; however, the visit to see a sex therapist is not covered by my medical insurance.

A sex therapist is not required at this point in time, because there is no sex.

You guys mentioned about panic attacks.

I get panic attacks around everyone, including my own family, relatives, and friends. I have had to end several friendships because of my anxiety. I hate myself for ending these friendships.

Find a pyschologist who specializes in anxieties and OCD and see what can be done to rid you of this burdon.

It was mentioned that I should just smile and enjoy the conversation. Before you bang your fist down in frustration, let me just say that smiling is actually an incredibly difficult thing for me to do. Some people take it for granted that smiling is a basic, fundamental expression; a tangible acknowledgment that you are proud to be in their company. My natural compulsion is to not smile around people. That is just the way I am.

My natural expression is a scowl. I sometimes tell people that it is the way I'm "hung"; therefore, I have to always be aware that I need to turn up the ends of my mouth. I interact with men and women all the time so I am always aware that my expression if not a smile has to at least be neutral. I am always changing my expression as a conscious decision to do so--for the best. I know of what you speak.

I know what you are thinking: go see a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are highly inept. They don't do therapy and only prescribe anti-depressants. I have been abandoned by a couple psychiatrists because I couldn't afford the latest SSRI that hit the market. My doctors have been prescribing anti-depressants for over 15 years, and they have never worked. I asked my doctor about anti-anxiety medication and he swiftly said no, and accused me of being a drug seeker.

OK, so if this is not working for you what will? Try "changing your mind" as mentioned, above. Replace I can't with I will do this and see what happens. Do not make any big changes, do small incrimental changes and become comfortable with these, then expand upon these.*

I'm willing to bet that you can smile, you fight the urge to let go because there is a pay off of some sort for not.

I am a blue collar guy, so my line of work seldomly involves me interacting with girls. I can't go to college and interact with girls there because of my anxiety; I had to drop out of college precisely because of this problem. Mind you, I enrolled in college not to further my education, but rather to try to conquer my fears of socializing. I never made it into the second year.

I just feel that society puts so much pressure on men to get laid.

Na...not so much; the "pressure" comes from hormones.

I know women are pressured to.

Some, perhaps. What they do about it depends much on their morals, principles, and opportunities.

I love women; I know that just like men, women are human to. I just have so little experience with women, be it through physical or non physical means.

So get some experience in little doses, a little at a time by joining social organizations or clubs. Demand more of yourself and instead of saying "I can't" say I'll do this a little at a time and become comfortable with the change.*

Why have I vested so much worry about dating and falling in love? Because if I fall in love, then I might get cured from my depression and I could start to enjoy life. I believe that women are the key.

I beg to differ with these notions.
Women are not the key. The key in part is adopting a new mind set, first. This you can do on your own. The right therapist can assist, also.

I am just upset that if people know I haven't dated before, then they might think that I am odd.

Asked and answered, yesterday.

Dating to me is a phase of life that people go through, much like learning to crawl, to walk, to speak, to ride a bike, to swim, and so on. Because I haven't

By the way: I have an aggressive form of OCD. This should help you understand why I worry too much.

Dating is a phase, yet not a one time process. What about people who find themselves single having lost a spouce from death or divorce later in life?

Have you ever worried about not worrying and what would happen then? It might be a worthwhile exercise. For example, will something bad happen if you do not worry about this or that? If you worry about personal acceptance and how someone will think of you if this or that happens--then do not worry about it until this or that event does happen. Most likely, nothing will happen and so what if it does? I mentioned what to do, yesterday. People will think what they want about you; you might not be able to change that, unless or until you change how you think of yourself and your behavior. These you do have control over.

So, your life as you have been living it is not working all that well for you, that being a given, then why not make changes, a little bit at a time? Perhaps it will be scary, perhaps it will be uncomfortable, yet the more you try something new on, the more comfortable it will become. Then, move on to the next task or expand what you just practiced. Take the 't out of can't by making little changes to what you do or do not do, "wearing these changes" for a few weeks, and moving on.*

Work a little at a time on developing your self confidence and self esteme by making small changes in attitude or deed and then watching what happens. DO NOT be so self critical. DO NOT be afraid of failure; consider how many successful inventions came from failures. Lastly, ever heard the expression: "if first you don't succeed, try, try, again?

[hazel]

You are depressed and anxious because that's the way your brain is functioning right now. Sounds like several therapists have told you this. I understand you're not fond of medications, but they may help you in coping, at least for now.

There are plenty of people having sex/women AND still having panic attacks, fears, and other emotional problems. Sex isn't going to fix something that is not ready to heal. Some depressed people get into relationships and they think the depression is "cured" when instead it's just redirected, and the relationship is eventually going to fail.

I do sympathize with your situation, and I sincerely hope you find the help you need. Perhaps instead of focusing only on the end goal (sex or girlfriend) you can just take life one day at a time. Your first little goal could be to get more comfortable talking to females, and then perhaps try to spend time with them as friends.

It's true there are some women out there who find virgins a bit of a turn on. But there are also unfortunately some women who see someone inexperienced & emotionally fragile and will totally use you (possibly making you worse than ever). Heal and be stronger first, then think about putting yourself out there.