I too am frustrated...

[bela]

I am desperate... I am 33, actually less than a month from turning 34. I have been w/ my current bf for almost 3 months. From the beginning sex was an issue... he questioned right away whether I got off. I didn't... I have only been able to have a clitorial orgasm w/ a vibrator. So how this has all gone is he is obsessed w/ getting me off. Now keep in mind, he is a little younger, late 20's, he's been w/ a lot of women and he insists they've all gotten off and had hard orgasms. He told me he's gotten girls off so hard they have actually clenched their vaginas so hard it's pushed his penis out. I've read about this, I know that it exists, my question is why the heck isn't that happening for me?

He hates the vibrator. He hates the fact that I can get off hard w/ it. I will not suggest using it, he'll freak out. He is not content w/ me being able to get off on my own, he is obsessing w/ getting me off vaginally. So obsessed that is really putting a lot of pressure on me to the point where if I could successfully fake it, I would.

He is not mean in the way he talks to me about this. But none the less the things he says bothers me. He has told me that it is basically like doing it just to do it and that he feels like he is not sexually exciting me and that discourages him. He says that he does not think that I am into him. He says that having me be out of this world arroused by him is what makes him horny and that he is not getting that from. I told him over and over that he does arouse me that he turns me on and that I love being w/ him. He is measuring his own sexual worth by whether or not he can get me off. I have assured him that the sex is enjoyable, I feel emotionally connected to him, I feel like he loves me, I feel special and all the ingrediants a woman needs to feel satisfied. None of that is good enough. He wants to me to get off during sex or while fingering me.

I purchased a book on the Gspot, we read most of it. He tried the things the book said. He says he doesn't think I have one. After 20 minutes or more of fingering me, he says maybe I just don't have one. He says any other girl he's been w/ it's been easy to find. He says maybe mine is just deeper than most. He's also told me that my clit is very small. He can get me off by going down on my and vibrating his lips on my clit but he can not get me off w/ just his finger or tongue. He actually is the only one to get me off that way and once he even made me squirt. I am starting to believe that my vibrator has gotten me to the point where I can't get off w/o it or some other forceful vibrating type sensation. He brought it up once, I read it on here also, so I'm thinking that may be the case. But that is the only way I've ever been able to get myself off. I know no other way to orgasm.

I have read about Gspot orgasms. I believe they exist. He's told me stories of his past experiences and I all I can say is wow, I want that w/ him. He is so let down that he can't get me off and we have had hours and hours of discussion about it. There really isn't a right way to tell someone you are losing interest in them b/c you can't get them off, but he somehow managed to tell me w/out being an asshole about it. Still hurts my feelings and makes me feel pretty worthless. I have never felt not satisfied after being w/ him... but somehow he feels he's not connecting w/ me.

Since its still very early in our relationship we've agreed maybe I'm the type of woman that needs more than a few months to completely let go and get to the point where I'm loosened up and not tense and it will eventually just happen. But I can think back as far as my sexual experiences began and I don't think I've ever gotten off by penetration.

Not only is this a problem for our relationship, but it's really depressing me that I can't even find my Gspot. I have tried. Diagrams are too confusing. It's like I want to go to doctor and have him point me to it. Is it possible I don't have one? I've had my share of partners and he is actually the first person to ever question me and care enough to figure it out, but at the same time, he's frustrated enough to give up and just have sex w/ me to get himself off and be done. That's not fair to me, it's not really been that long that we've been having sex and we are still getting to know each other.

Sorry this is sooooo long, but I am really at a loss and desperate to figure this out so I can have this earth shaking Gspot orgasm I've read so much about. I want to tremble and shake and feel like I am completely out of control. He tells me girls get that way, and I've read about it.

I welcome any and all advice. Please, I am desperate!

[Pic]

hey if I could offer my humble opinion, I do feel like there is something blocking the bonding that it might take, (and i say [might]) Maybe you guys need to like, just chill get to know each other better. Just have fun doing other things with out the anxiety of trying... just enjoy each other, go to games, go to the club, hell, go to church, just chill, watch movies, do everything and just fall into sex. You guys could have created to much pressure for each other so just take it easy.

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles on the most common questions and concerns people have--including this.

I urge the two of you either together or separately read most if not all of the articles. Knowledge is empowering, and your boyfriend has some erroneous notions that need correcting. You can benefit from just more knowledge.

Originally Posted by bela

I am desperate... I am 33, actually less than a month from turning 34. I have been w/ my current bf for almost 3 months. From the beginning sex was an issue... he questioned right away whether I got off. I didn't...

This is a common concern many if not most lovers express. They love you and want to know that they have done "their job" well. The trouble with this concern is that we do not give orgasms away; each person male and female is responsible for his/her own. All any of us can hope to accomplish is to help our partner achive them.

It is important for you to understand that a woman's orgasms are much more internalized than a male's and because they are sometimes less graphic this prompts the question: "did you...."

The way around this is for you to be more communicative by providing verbal or non-verbal feedback. You can utter words like "wow", "whew", "marvelous", etc. You can squeeze his hand or leg for non-verbal confirmation that you came. Of course, if your climax is bed shaking and shuddering, there should be no doubt in these cases. These are signals the two of you can work out between you for this and other needs, also.

I have only been able to have a clitorial orgasm w/ a vibrator. So how this has all gone is he is obsessed w/ getting me off.

Are you telling us that you can only achieve a climax with him by using a vibrator; or, that this has always been your history? What about when masturbating? Do you require a vibrator or can you get the desired results using our fingers?

If you are mostly relying upon a vibrator, then I recommend spending some alone time and practicing with your fingers in order to reaccustom your body to the reduced stimulation. This is possible yet will take some time so plan to spend several sessions doing this. You can use a vibrator occassionally, later.

Now keep in mind, he is a little younger, late 20's, he's been w/ a lot of women and he insists they've all gotten off and had hard orgasms. He told me he's gotten girls off so hard they have actually clenched their vaginas so hard it's pushed his penis out. I've read about this, I know that it exists, my question is why the heck isn't that happening for me?

I suggest reading the article that discusses differences in experience. Also, a woman's orgasms are not all the same as are a man's. Environment, noise, worry, concern, time of the month, degree of arouosal, how you are stimulated, all play a part in how you will respond. He needs to understand this.

He hates the vibrator. He hates the fact that I can get off hard w/ it. I will not suggest using it, he'll freak out. He is not content w/ me being able to get off on my own,

All the more reason for retraining your nervous system to be be responsive to your fingers. Devote some private time every day or two to relearning how to stimulate yourself using your fingers. If necessary, use a lube or spread your mucous around the clitoris. Please read the article on how to finger each other.

he is obsessing w/ getting me off vaginally. So obsessed that is really putting a lot of pressure on me to the point where if I could successfully fake it, I would.

What he needs to know and understand is that very few sexual positions place your pieces-parts in constant contact with his pubic mound in order to generate the needed friction. The Woman Superior or Cowgirl position is one of the few that does; therefore, what a knowing, caring, lover will do is to reach around and finger is partner's clitoris and/or labia. So, this is another fact of life he must be willing to embrace, regardless of his prior history with others.

Do not fake your climaxes; however, given what I said above, you certainly can and let him easily know.

He is not mean in the way he talks to me about this. But none the less the things he says bothers me. He has told me that it is basically like doing it just to do it and that he feels like he is not sexually exciting me and that discourages him. He says that he does not think that I am into him.

Are you "into him", or, not so much? If you are emotionally connected to him, perhaps you can become more animated and show some enthusiasm that he senses is missing.

He says that having me be out of this world arroused by him is what makes him horny and that he is not getting that from. I told him over and over that he does arouse me that he turns me on and that I love being w/ him.

OK, if you have strong feelings for him and he is trying his best and you are indeed enjoying your lovemaking, then be more demonstrative for his sake. Doing so may initially distract you; although, it may very well help you get into it more.

He is measuring his own sexual worth by whether or not he can get me off. I have assured him that the sex is enjoyable, I feel emotionally connected to him, I feel like he loves me, I feel special and all the ingrediants a woman needs to feel satisfied. None of that is good enough. He wants to me to get off during sex or while fingering me.

I believe by him reading the how-to articles on making out, stimulating each other, and others that deal with making out and orgasms in general, he will acquire some much need skills and information. He needs to understand that orgasms are not the biological imperative for women that they are for men. This is explained in great detail in one of Brandye's articles on female orgasms. This being the case, he should be happy and content that you are enjoying yourself and that the intimacy and closeness are sometimes all that is necessary.

I purchased a book on the Gspot, we read most of it. He tried the things the book said. He says he doesn't think I have one. After 20 minutes or more of fingering me, he says maybe I just don't have one.

There is in fact some debate on whether or not the G-spot does exist. I belong to the school of thought that says it does. The tissues that are involved have the same origins as the prostrate gland. It can be located along the front wall about two inches up. The lining of the vagina feels sort of ribbed like an old washboard.

I recommend not trying for G-spot orgasms until you have come to terms with normal clitoral orgasms. Get these down and then work on other forms, later.

He says any other girl he's been w/ it's been easy to find. He says maybe mine is just deeper than most. He's also told me that my clit is very small.

[B]You can tell him from me that he needs to stop making comparisons. Doing so is rather crass and unkind.[/B]

continued-

[dancingdoc2]

He can get me off by going down on my and vibrating his lips on my clit but he can not get me off w/ just his finger or tongue.

Asked and answered.

He actually is the only one to get me off that way and once he even made me squirt. I am starting to believe that my vibrator has gotten me to the point where I can't get off w/o it or some other forceful vibrating type sensation. He brought it up once, I read it on here also, so I'm thinking that may be the case. But that is the only way I've ever been able to get myself off, I know no other way to orgasm.

Using his lips as a vibrator is very creative. This technique is mentioned in one of the how-to articles that discuss female orgasms. Clever man, this one.

Yes, you do know about using your fingers. You just have not done it enough to perfect a technique. Please begin practicing and relearning how to masturbate.

I have read about Gspot orgasms. I believe they exist. He's told me stories of his past experiences and I all I can say is wow, I want that w/ him.

Maybe you can achieve them, maybe not. Please read all the articles on female orgasms listed in the Index, and, how to give each other hand jobs. You need to learn to crawl first, then you can begin walking and running with one or more of these other forms of stimulation.

He is so let down that he can't get me off and we have had hours and hours of discussion about it. There really isn't a right way to tell someone you are losing interest in them b/c you can't get them off, but he somehow managed to tell me w/out being an asshole about it.

The lad has a huge ego and a bloated sense of self confidence based upon prior history. Please let him read this entire discussion, then get him reading. Knowledge is empowering. Up to now, he has really been stumbling along albeit successfully. Time now for him to learn how to become a lover cum laude. (There is an article on this, also.)

Still hurts my feelings and makes me feel pretty worthless. I have never felt not satisfied after being w/ him... but somehow he feels he's not connecting w/ me.

His behavior and comments are no doubt out of frustration. After he gains some more sex ed. by reading the articles listed in the Index, I believe you will see a dramatic change if he is at all open minded and willing to add to what he already knows. To your boyfriend: stop the comparisons. Each woman is different. Learn and explore together. Each new relationship has its own set of unique circumstances and dynamics. This is explained in the article on differences in levels of experience.

Since its still very early in our relationship we've agreed maybe I'm the type of woman that needs more than a few months to completely let go and get to the point where I'm loosened up and not tense and it will eventually just happen. But I can think back as far as my sexual experiences began and I don't think I've ever gotten off by penetration.

Yes, you are correct regarding the time it takes. While guys can be up, ready and willing in minutes, women require a lot of time and attention to get reved up and warmed up. If the two of you are not devoting at least half an hour to fooling around and making out before ever getting to the foreplay stage then he is moving much to quickly. Learn how make out properly.

The latter has been answered, above.

Not only is this a problem for our relationship, but it's really depressing me that I can't even find my Gspot. I have tried. Diagrams are too confusing. It's like I want to go to doctor and have him point me to it.

I gave you the information you need to find it. Even so, I recommend not involving it in your arousal process until you get a regular orgasm under control.

Is it possible I don't have one? I've had my share of partners and he is actually the first person to ever question me and care enough to figure it out, but at the same time, he's frustrated enough to give up and just have sex w/ me to get himself off and be done. That's not fair to me, it's not really been that long that we've been having sex and we are still getting to know each other.

Yup. I know. You are moving much to fast, IMHO. I do give your man credit for caring and trying; however, I give him negative points for chiding and comparing you to others. Regardless, this just means the two of you need more information and this is why the articles were written.

Sorry this is sooooo long, but I am really at a loss and desperate to figure this out so I can have this earth shaking Gspot orgasm I've read so much about. I want to tremble and shake and feel like I am completely out of control. He tells me girls get that way, and I've read about it.

I welcome any and all advice. Please, I am desperate!

STOP trying so hard.
RELAX and work together
READ and discuss the information you have acquired
BETTER to make some progress in small steps instead of struggling to make giant leaps forward in one bound

Please get back to us after the two of you do your reading assignments and do some initial practicing and let us know how things are going. We can then work more on this as things begin to change for the better.

I hope this is of help.

-doc

[funinthesun]

Welcome to the board and congratulations on being able to have a hard orgasm(and squirt at that!)! Many can’t at all, many won’t, many only with a vibrator, many only through their clitoris, some through vaginal stimulation, and fewer through vagina sex! There’s nothing wrong with you, but the title of your post points to at least one problem. You’re not alone in having difficulty through purely vagina stimulation and either his ego is soft or he lacks a proper understanding of sex as a whole. To start, I would recommend both you and he, separately, read *ALL* of the stickies. There is much good information there and by reading all of them before coming to a conclusion, you aren’t as likely to jump at the first similar situation and miss other important things that might help you. Besides, the most important skill one can have for sex is the ability to see and understand other’s physical reactions down to minute details and that comes from caring, attention to detail, experience, and overall knowledge.

I’ve dated someone who had never had an orgasm period. She felt good manipulating her clitoris with her hand, but that was all. Sex wasn’t enjoyable due to other partners skipping foreplay and not knowing what they were doing, either, all in It for themselves. The first time we had sex we’d been dancing and kissing for hours, and that amount of foreplay made it enjoyable for her, but not very intense and nothing orgasmic. Almost every time after, there were always heavy make out sessions and frolicking in bed, complete with relaxing massages, more kissing, sensual massages, and driving each other crazy for hours on end before moving into things like oral sex and intercourse. I was aware that she wasn’t having orgasms, but it we were having a wonderful time with *everything* so it was ok – and it was a fun challenge to keep making mental notes of every little twitch, sound, and flushing skin, what has caused them, and then trying more of them in different combinations each time.

A few weeks went by, and that challenge resulted in nonstop marathons sometimes making out for a couple hours, caressing/kissing/licking/sucking all over her body, and even then going down on her for over an hour straight with her twitching and shaking before I’d even touched her clitoris. Eventually there was a giant clench!!! It was me with an awkward grunt having a tongue cramp! No orgasms. She was, however, incredibly turned on, had a great time, and her body actually stayed aroused for hours after those sessions where light touches or kisses would instantly reignite things like we hadn’t stopped.

We kept doing things like that a few times a week for 6 MONTHS. Nothing . But – it didn’t matter towards the relationship. Then one day during intercourse, she orgasmed – hard – and squirted! We hadn’t even done anything ‘different’. With that new discovery we kept having sex like rabbits – sometimes it happened, sometimes it didn’t. At this point she still couldn’t orgasm through only clitoral stimulation either by herself or with me doing various things. Over the next few months, it kept happening more and more frequently, and she started to orgasm from me going down on her. A year and a half from us first starting, she was having orgasms through sex and clitoral stimulation with ease, multiples in a row, and squirting often to the point that sometimes sex had to be avoided because it was hard to just stop at one and then she was too relaxed to concentrate on work afterwards.

Here’s the important part – the vast majority of things attempted didn’t change. Over time through experience we became more in tune with each other’s bodies and our own; however at the end a lot of the things that did nothing at first were now extremely sensitive and worked wonders. Sometimes things just take time and the brain and body take awhile to make those pleasure connections. As long as you’re having a good time in a good relationship– the orgasm isn’t important to fulfillment. Maybe you’ll have a similar experience, or maybe it won’t happen. That one took over a year of very frequent activity, but it was always fun and not a chore or frustration, so ENJOY THE INTIMACY!


(There’s a lot in your post to comment on in regards to probable specific causes and things to try for a solution, but reading all of the stickies should let you answer them yourself.)

[lnt1103]

Sounds to me like it's a hit to his pride--like he's taking this as a commentary on his manhood or skill. You both need to relax and just go with it. Stop stressing so much, because it will only get inside your heads and make it worse. I would also agree that it may be a little too soon. Let things happen as they will.

[Brandye]

Dump him and find a guy with a better understanding of other people. A quarter of all women never reach orgasm; half of us need some stimulation in addition to penetration and thrusting. If he cannot accept this and learn from there (which may help your response), he is not worth wasting time on. Your vibrator is doing you more good than he is.

[EvilEvilKitten]

In his defense, men regard the inability to please women as a serious flaw. Since they tend to regard sex as the main purpose of their gender's existence- the inability to please cuts at their very core.

You may feel that he's putting pressure on you. But he's thinking he should go put a bullet through his head.

Yes, of course you have a G-Spot, and all of the fornices and everything else. You come fully equipped. The answer is not in your body - it is in your head.

In the absence of medical issues and physical pathologies, it is how we think of sex that determines whether we orgasm or not - because if you do not want to orgasm, you won't - no matter what anyone does to help.

So, let's look at some common psychological reasons why women can't cum.

1. Improper Breathing, Tensing Muscles, Being Anxious to Orgasm
2. Power Issues within the Relationship
3. Poor Attitude Toward Sex Itself
4. Previous Abuse that Affected Self-Esteem.

1. You have to breathe deeply and calmly - do not hold your breath, do not pant, relax every fiber of your being including your mind - think only that this man will please you and dont worry yeah or nay. Picture in your mind: you're lying on a raft floating just offshore, it is hot, it is sunny, a slight breeze caresses you, all is right with the world, and the feelings flow through you just like the swells of the ocean pass beneath your raft. They come, you savor them, they go.

2. You don't want to give him the satisfaction because you want to hold your orgasm over him like a sword on a thread. Also under this heading is: I don't want to lose control over myself - after all orgasms tend to be rather overwhelming. In both cases: grow up and play fair. If something's bothering you, say it and stop taking it out on him in the bedroom. If you can't do that, then you need to get yourself gone for he deserves better. Sex is a partnership endeavor with each trying to please their partner - give it up or get out.

3. Sex is your grand and glorious birthright. Sex is good for you. Sex binds people together in mutual fun and enjoyment. There is nothing debasing, dirty, nasty, or disgusting about sex. Think to yourself why you have this need to punish yourself for liking sex. There is no such thing as a slut or a skank. There are only warm, fun-loving women who celebrate life by embracing their sexuality and enjoying it and their partners to the full.

If you can orgasm using a vibe on your clitoris then the hardware is connected to the software and you have the sexual circuit activated so the answer lies not in your body but in your mind. Think about it.

4. Seek professional medical help. Only they can help you with this one.

So why aren't you orgasming??