Unexpected situation -- looking for feedback

[Arntz]

Hi all! This is my first post, but I have been reading these forums for years!

I'm 30 years old, recently divorced out of a 9 year marriage and very responsible individual. I married the wrong gal way too young, and tried everything I could to salvage it, but alas, it turned out to be the right thing to do for both of us.

Now, I met my current girlfriend shortly after the paperwork finalized. When we first started dating, after a few dates, I called her and told her I decided I was in no shape to get into a serious relationship and was ready to move on. In truth, I was out dating just to meet people (absolutely no physical relationships, just to be clear).

She kept calling me and continued to persist and ask me to date her some more. She wanted to give it a chance for us to get to know one another. I gave in and figured "why not"?

Well, over 1.5 years later, we've decided to break up. During the initial stages of dating, we talked a lot about future plans. I was very clear with her that I did not want children. She said she did. We talked about our views on why and why not. After several rounds of discussions, she "said" she changed her mind and would rather be in a loving relationship with me, than have kids.

Fast forward to today: she has been having severe breakdowns about getting married and really pushing me to propose. I told her I wasn't ready and needed time to think about it. I kept asking myself what the big hurry was? Well, I pressed her and eventually discovered that it is because her "clock" is ticking. She really does want children. So, I initiated the break up, because I want her to be happy. If she marries me and discovers she cannot change my mind, she will resent me, and I, in turn, would resent her (and I told her this: 100% honesty).

So, we decided on a mutual break up. However, her response to all of this has been very unexpected. Instead of being angry, she has asked to "break up slowly"? She gets very, very depressed after break-ups and has asked me to help ease her out of this relationship. I do truly care for her and I have been having a hard time cutting it off. Emotionally (love), I have moved on already. It easier for me because I already have a plan laid out for what I want to do in the near-future. I have no plans to date for awhile and want to cultivate my growing hobbies and spend lots of time with friends (and making new ones).

I just had surgery (yesterday) and she has been taking care of me this weekend. I am very grateful and plan on returning the favor. We still talk about it and are still on the same page about breaking up, but admit we do not have to be angry at each other over this.

She is planning on taking a fertility test because she doesn't want to lose me if that's the only thing that is causing this to happen. I think she is very brave and really taking a good approach to a very hard situation. She is amazing.

With that said, though, she wants to continue having a physical relationship with me. I have repeatedly told her no, but she keeps insisting. We both love sex, and the sex we have is absolutely mind-blowing. She has suggested having an open-relationship, just because she loves the sex so much.

I told her I don't think I can do that and a commitment is a very important thing for me to have. I've never been faced with a FWB situation and don't know if I would be comfortable, etc.

Well, the other night, she was so turned on, she pleaded for something, anything. I conceded to give her oral sex, but absolutely refused intercourse (she is still okay with condoms, birth control, etc). We did it and she felt great. I felt happy to make her feel good, and didn't feel the urge for her to do anything for me. I've had time to think about it and don't feel too strange about it. She has said, "it's just sex and we're adults... it's okay!".

Okay everyone: what do you think? One side of me cares enough about her to fulfill those primal urges, while the chivalrous side is screaming to shut off all communication and move on.

I would be in bad shape after my surgery if she wasn't here to help me! I truly feel like we are going to be best friends after this ordeal and I honestly think our emotions will harden enough that this relationship won't take a turn for the "serious". Hmm...

[Arntz]

I forgot to mention that she is Chinese. I have several friends who are Asian and have explained to me that, in their culture, this isn't an uncommon thing and that it may be perfectly fine. Just more food for thought!

Thanks!

[Buck Naked]

Tough situation my friend. I had so many on again, off again relationships when I was younger that my view on break ups became very cut and dry. I do not talk to any of my ex-girlfriends....ever. I knew at the time of these break ups that I did not want to be with these women and seeing each other and keeping in touch just complicated new relationships and delayed the healing process.

Of course you are different then me. You are the only person that can truely gauge what is best for you. I see huge red flags that she wants sex and kids. Not to say she's the type that's looking to "trap" you, but one momentary lapse of reason and you're paying for it for life. As a father of two that doesn't seem horrible to me, but if you don't want children I'm sure that would be a bad thing for you.

My best advise is think it through with the right mind. The one in your pants only thinks short term.

[EvilEvilKitten]

OMG!~ RUN, you FOOL!

This is the ploy used, not only by Asians, but by all women who like to cultivate the "weak meek mild little woman of tender soul and heart who need your protection" image and it is called The Wounded Bird. Yes, this technique actually has a name. Honey, you're not tough enough to date properly. What you should be doing is out trying to tag Cougars esp. since you do not want children.

Her agenda is to ooze you away from what you want and sucker you into what she wants by appealing to that idiot Sir Galahad inside of you. And you're letting her do it. The nursing you back to health and the begging for sex is a nice touch. Feeds your ego so it blinds you to the trap beneath your feet.

Say THANK YOU, then GOODBYE and then never see, hear, or speak/write to her/with her again. Do not answer her calls, her texts, her emails, her friends - NOTHING.

Trust me, you'll find her tender delicate heart will survive

[CleverName]

Ok true story:

A friend of mine was dating this girl, it was getting very serious and she wanted marriage, he didn't. He said he wanted to break up at some point after that, and they ended up being FWB. Then, about a 6 months later, she is pregnant and he is getting married. He said they always used a condom and she said she was on birth control, but I think she was lying about the birth control and used the baby to trap him into the relationship.

Don't let that happen to you.

[Deviation]

my best advice is to run now hun...

U are being played for like a fool and she will trap you!

Listen to these people they know what theyre talking about. XD

[EvilEvilKitten]

Mind you, not all women play such games. The ones who do play "Wounded Bird" or "Princess Good Girl" are obvious to those who are clued-in. More subtle games exist of course, but once you show you're not going to be entrapped by the two aforesaid games, most game-players will leave you well alone.

This leaves the field open to those women who have lives and are not interested in entrapping anyone - they're just out for fun.

[Arntz]

Thanks all! Yeah, I've had an itch about this since the beginning. Dammit all! Oh well, time to suck it up. I'm almost recovered and will be ready to kick it to the curb.