Romance troubles

[FoxyLady345]

Im having abit of romance troubles in my life. So I'll start from the beginning. Well about May 8th of this year, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years because I just got so sick and tired of him. Im 20, till monday lol and he's 25. He's cheated on me twice, and was on the verge of cheating again, when I found out he was trying to get in contact with the last chick he cheated on me before on his birthday, as soon as I left from his house last year.

He claims the reason is that he wanted some type of company, and companionship because we both work full time jobs, live with our family (I live with my grandma and he lives with his mom) and the only time we get to see each other, is once a week on Sunday but there would be times where I would have to tend to some important matters on my birthday, or when I'll be so super tired from the week since Sunday was basically my only day off, since we both worked 6 days a week. I got so pissed off when I found this out, that I was unsure about our relationship. I may love the man, but I can't keep taking that type of mess, of him going behind my back and messing with other woman. I mean I would never ever do that to him, and never did even though he would get paranoid, and try to keep tabs on me most of the time.

Another thing that led to the break up was his problem with anger. He would be fine one minute and then if something doesnt go his way, he would snap for the littlest things like when, I told him that I didn't like mixed vegetables too much and he thought I was disrespecting his mom's cooking. Just to find out when we get to the house, his mom and I were talking and she mentioned that my ex didn't even like mixed vegetables. The straw that broke the camel's back, it was the week after I found out he was trying to get in contact with that chick we went to see a movie. After the movie we had a hard time looking for my car, and it was somewhat of a cold night but not too chilly. While me and my boyfriend was joking around about random things, I was playing around when I found my car and locked him out.

At first he was all like "Hey let me in its freezing!" and I asked him to say please. Then he said "Can you please let me in?" and I told him well you can say it a bit more sweetly and was laughing, while I turned to unlock the door. Just as I turned back he was gone half way across the parking lot, then came back cussing me out, F-bombs everywhere and he got his stuff and slammed the shit out of my door. Im like 'wtf'? then my boyfriend came back, got in my car and started yelling at me, and thats when I snapped at him and told him he get out and walk home, Im done with you.

Usually when my ex has his angry outbursts, it last for a bit and he's quick to apologize, but this has been going on for some time and I just couldn't take it anymore. He even did say before that if I felt the need to leave, then I should leave him. And thats what I did since his anger issues have been getting worse over the course of our relationship, and Im the number one person he lashes out at most of the time.

My ex has been trying to beg me back, but I would just ignore it since I know he's not going to change though I've been promised so many times before, that he would go to counseling and I even offered to come with him. I have no intentions of getting back with that man. Probably a week or so later, I hooked up with a friend of mine that I know from college for about 3yrs. But with him he told me that he didn't want a serious committed relationship, but he won't go around messing with other girls or anything like that. And me I was fine with that in a way, I didn't want to rush the guy in being my boyfriend, would of been nice but I won't force that upon someone.

My friend treated me well, I mean me and him would hang out, he introduced me to some of his buds, he would cook for me, cuddle up to me so it was like having a boyfriend or cuddle buddy, be concerned if I said I had a problem, and would try to cheer me up. But recently this past tuesday my friend asked me about my ex and wanted to know why I broke up with him,and why my friend Julia wanted to kill him. So I told my friend the whole history only because he asked, then later on that day when we were hanging out he asked me about the break up and I told him what happened.

Apparently my friend said to me that he's heard, that my ex still likes me and he also said that it seems that me and my ex were meant to be and I should try to reconcile with him. Another thing that my friend told me that blew me away, was that he thinks that he is the reason that me and my boyfriend broke up, because we hanged out a couple times before my break up occurred as friends and nothing more, with him or with some friends in a group. I tried to reassure him that there is nothing between me and my boyfriend and I was done with him, and that he was not the reason for the break up and I spoke the truth, looked him in the eye and told him but he felt that he couldn't believe me for some reason. The conversation also led to what we both want, he doesn't want to have a serious relationship, and me I wanted somewhat of both since we both just hooked up, but wanted some type of commitment, and when he said that he won't flirt or screw around I guess that was enough for me.

So the next day (Wednesday) me and my friend were supposed to hang out, but he gives me a call and saying that, he wanted to end what was going on between us since he felt guilty like he was stringing me around, and he's never really done that to a female and he felt that something would blow up pretty bad in the future if we continued. I said to him maybe we got off on the wrong foot, and need a new start and I was not looking for something serious (like marriage or kids, or start off serious right away etc). Asked him if he still wanted to hang out, at first he said he had some stuff to do. Then five minutes later called me back, and said "Um I know this is awkward but would you like to hang out?" And we hanged out before he had to go for training at the gym.

Right now Im making some changes before my birthday, because I don't want to play little kids games. I need to know what to do to possibly get my friend off that awkward guilt trip. I already told him that, I hardly talk with my ex and we were going to try to be friends only when he's ready to move on. So I have limited my contact with him for his sake, and we may talk with each other once in a while and my friend was cool with that, since he sometimes talk with one or two of his exes.

Right now Im giving my friend some space, I having really spoken to him since Wednesday afternoon, and he'll be in Pennsylvania for a week or two starting monday. My friend Julia says that he likes me, but didn't want to fuck things up and felt guilty mostly. How can I make my friend feel right around me, without making him uncomfortable to hang with me? When should I try calling him to say whats up? Im keeping myself busy with other things, but I do have urges to text the guy. What do you think? I mean it only lasted a month, and Im still interested in seeing what my friend has to offer

[dancingdoc2]

I understand what has happened, however, "cheating" is the wrong word to use. Cheating only happens within a marriage. Was he unfaithful--yes. That said, all this unfaithfulness is a great example of why it is not recommended that couples enter into an exclusive relationship until each of you is ready to settle down.

Dating does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating is all about dating as many people as possible in order to learn what humanity has to offer us in a potential mate, and then to be better able to recognize this person when Mr./Ms. Right enters the picture. Dating is all about learning about personalities, characters, likes, dislikes, goals, quirks, values, etc., etc.

By dating one or more individuals at a time, openly, you eliminate all this angst, drama, and, trauma. I normally dispense this advice to teens who are less capable of handling relationship problems. In your situation, this former boyfriend has not defined the relationship guidelines and perhaps did not think this was "exclusive" whereas you did.

> I may love the man, but I can't keep taking that type of mess, of him going behind my back and messing with other woman. I mean I would never ever do that to him

All the more reason to have open relationships with the people you date. You can have all the perks and the benefits without all the restrictions. There is absolutely no reason why either party demand exclusivity. If one or both people date others including you, then the opportunities go up for having a date on Saturday. In addition, you have more variety.

A date may last thru that first dinner, it may last through a couple of actual dates, and a few will last longer. Over the years as we gain greater insight into the type of people we would consider marriage material--and not, a couple of people will be there for the long haul. From them you can then decide which one is a "keeper" AND THEN BECOME EXCLUSIVE WITH ONE.

This is how the dating process is supposed to work.

> Another thing that led to the break up was his problem with anger.

All the more reason to begin dating other people. He did not pass the test. Now, go find others and follow the process.

As for the new guy, he should be given credit for not wanting to be exclusive. You should be given credit for understanding.

As for telling all about past relationships, I offer these guidelines:
1. of what benefit is it for this person to know?
2. there is a big difference between being "honest" and divulging all, and, being "private".

Breaking up a couple of months ago is not giving yourself sufficient time to get over a prior relationship. Do not be in a rush. Just let your relationships unfold.

[FoxyLady345]

Is there a such thing as being "too" honest? I mean should I just give half-truths whenever asked of me, if I were to date around like how my friend asked about the situation between me and my ex? Correct me if Im wrong on this, usually if a guy was interested in a girl, he would actually call her back and ask to come over, go out to the movies etc.

My friend called last night and invited me over to watch a movie with him. I was weary about it at first, but I had a feeling that I should just go over there. Me and him talked some and I was correct on the call, that he chickened out on me because he thinks he's the cause of my breakup with the ex.

I know that breaking up with a person and then what would be a good word "seeing" another so soon, isn't enough time to get over a prior relationship. With my case I think its different, since Im distracting myself by keeping myself occupied with things to do, and with people like my best friends, and my current friend. As for the other answers to my questions, I do thank you for and find the information useful.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by FoxyLady345

Is there a such thing as being "too" honest?

Honest is an absolute. I do not believe one can be "too" much of it. A person either is or is not.

I mean should I just give half-truths whenever asked of me, if I were to date around like how my friend asked about the situation between me and my ex?

I forget what famous person was asked the question about what skirt length is appropriate when discussing clothing trends. His reply was "a woman's skirt should be long enough to cover the subject yet short enough to make it interesting." I think you have to decide how much information a person need know. It goes back to what I said earlier. When deciding whether or not to inform someone of something, first ask the question of what benefit is it for this person to know; second, what and how much should remain private.

> Correct me if Im wrong on this, usually if a guy was interested in a girl, he would actually call her back and ask to come over, go out to the movies etc.

I would expect so.

My friend called last night and invited me over to watch a movie with him. I was weary about it at first, but I had a feeling that I should just go over there. Me and him talked some and I was correct on the call, that he chickened out on me because he thinks he's the cause of my breakup with the ex.

Did you explain that you were the cause and let the reasons why remain unspoken? It is not particularly relevant to this new relationship to know the ex has anger management issues.

I know that breaking up with a person and then what would be a good word "seeing" another so soon, isn't enough time to get over a prior relationship. With my case I think its different, since Im distracting myself by keeping myself occupied with things to do, and with people like my best friends, and my current friend. As for the other answers to my questions, I do thank you for and find the information useful.

I don't think I was too clear on what I said, before. Of course you can date soon after a breakup; just do not become serious for quite a while as rebound relationships rarely work out. Better to develop friends and then take a few months to see if any lead to more. (Did I say this better?)

[FoxyLady345]

Ah I see, I understand better now. Basically all of my questions have been answered. Thanks again for giving me more useful advice.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Stop playing 'romance' like you were still age 13!!!! My friend said...He heard that... WTF??? High school's OVER baby - let it die.
You're a grown woman now and should act like one.

1. If his anger is out of control - you're gone - period no question. You are not a child and neither is he.

2. Keep your mouth shut. You're not into a swinging lifestyle so stop talking to your gf's about your bf's. None of anyone's business but your own. You do not have to tell half-truths, you simply refuse to hear questions you have no intention of answering. Move along, move along, nothing to see here. Your past is past and irrelevant - no matter who is asking.

3. You have to build a satisfying individual life BEFORE you can ask anyone else to share it with you. Focus on working and saving your money. Time will come when you'll need a nest egg.

4. If you should go out hunting - HUNT ALONE. Either you have courage, and a decent radar - or you don't. But hunting alone is the only way to develop both.

5. Your ex is doing his 'controlling guy high school guy thing' - this is done by spreading the rumors, or talking to your friends, that he still LOVES you and NEEDS to back and that IT WAS MEANT TO BE (I'm gagging here!) All of which is a load of BS. What he's upset about is 'you kicked him to the curb' you dented his poor little infantile ego and he wants you back - for revenge and justification "she made a mistake". Stop playing his game. Just do not hear any of it.

Oh and that "meant to be" crap is just that. Make a man PROVE his worth. Behave like you're worthy of his best. Do not settle and do not compromise. Your desires, wants, and needs are just as legit as his.