trust?

[RobertThomas]

hello all, find this site and have a question here goes....

I have been in this relationship for, well, this friday will be 3 months to the day! Now, about a weekago, Something happaned and I dont know why, but she realy does not seam to trust me.

Earlyer today, a old friend of mine from high school, a girl, emailed me and wanted to get togeather and catch up. I have not spoken to her in almost 9 years. She even ask to see if my GF wanted to come with us cause she wanted to meet her. So, I asked me GF about it, and I got the following from her:

"I dont understand why you think it is ok to go on dates when you are wtih me?"

I told her I was not going to cheat, (as my firend is happyly married) and I have not reason to want to cheat on her. That is why I asked her and why my firend asked to meet her, to which I got..

"you are always pissing me off"

She has never been like this, all the time we have been togeather... I trust her not to cheat on me so why cant see? I am not willing to risk my relationship over this, so, I had to tell my friend I would have to take a rain check on it. Go on, say it, Wiped! Im not, just with the luck I have had, Im not in the mood to risk anything anymore.

ideas?

[CleverName]

Your not going on a date, you are hanging out with an old friend. If she is so jealous that she won't let you see friends (even when she is invited to come) then you shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

Try talking with her again, see if there was a misunderstanding. If she won't communicate with you when you try to talk with her then she's not worth your time and that relationship isn't going to last anyways.

That's my 2 cents.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Your gf was WAAY out of line - talk about an insecure jealous contentious bitch! No, she does not trust you. She does not honor you. I doubt she even respects you not only as a man but also as a person.

Why is she still your girlfriend?

Kick her through the door and throw her baggage out after her.

[RobertThomas]

well, she has just gotten back in with one of her girlfirends that she had a falling out with some time ago. I am hoping, sence her change and there restart friendship has something to do with the way she has acted today. I hope that is it, cause I dont look forward to going back out and trying to date and meet women again.

[dancingdoc2]

This reminds me of a letter submitted to the newspaper advice columnest, Dear Abby several days ago. A man wrote to say his wife was having a conniption fit at a restaurant over his asking the waitress for her name. She did not announce it when stating she would be their waitress, so he wanted to know so he would not have to call to her by "hey you" or "miss" should they need her. He explained this to his wife and her retort was something on the order that she did not want her husband talking to other women or knowing their names in her presence!

Your girlfriend's behavior has a jealous component to it; however, it is more about her insecurity and lack of trust in you. If she has no trust then what is the use of continuing the relationship? This all has a lot to do with her lack of maturity. In my past observations this rarely gets better in the near term. Putting it gently, she needs to grow up and this simply takes time and "mileage". Do you really want the aggravation that comes with waiting around?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Look if she's so weak that a friend could come between you two then you need to get rid of her ASAP.

Seriusly, which do you fear more living in a perpetual prison where your every move is closely monitored and you're qestioned constantly for possible 'infractions' or dating women?

Stop living in denial hoping things will get better - they won't. Never ignore red flags.

[RobertThomas]

:update:

Last night, about 4am eastern time, my GF came back and we talked about all of this. In a way, we were both at falt on this.

FIrst off, in the last two relationships she was in, she got played by both men. So, I understand that it hard for her to take trust at face value. She was with one guy for almost 2 years. He was in school in another start and only found out after he dumped her that he had a girl down there as well.

Lastly, I fogot that she is still touchy that I have talked time to time with a EX of mine. One that treated me just as bad as hers have treated her.


So, to bring it full turn, friday night we will be enjoying our 3 month togeather, and then on saturday night, we will be having dinner with my high school firend and her hubby!






Now, any ideas for what would be good for a 3nd month togeather? At this time, I, that is both of us are between jobs. I will be starting on soon, in the next few weeks, but still, money is tight..

[EvilEvilKitten]

So you're being treated badly because OTHER men misbehaved?!?!
That sound fair to you?

Heck, I'm a dominatrix and I treat men better than that.

[dancingdoc2]

In order for any new relationship to get started it is necessary for a modicum of trust to be given by one partner to the other otherwise both people will be suspicious and this leads to an unhealthy foundation.

Once the new relationship has begun moving along, further trust is given by "Implied Consent", meaning trust is implied. Deeper trust is then earned by the follow through of words and deeds.

If/when trust is broken as a result of some action on the part of one of the partners, then it is darn hard to reestablish--if not impossible. If the two people involved want to work to repair the relationship and it is the man who is at fault he must accomplish two things: first, that he fully understands what effect his prior actions have had on the woman--and that he gets it! He has to hear what his transgression or action has done in her own words. Second, he must work on reestablishing trust "UNTIL...." This means for as long as it takes. It could be a year, or, a lifetime. He must now live his life as an open book.

> a girl, emailed me and wanted to get togeather and catch up. I have not spoken to her in almost 9 years.

Her reaction to meeting an old friend either to "catch up" or whatever, was a complete over reaction. Each of you must be able to socialize with others.

> I told her I was not going to cheat

I understand what you mean; however, unless a couple is married, one cannot "cheat" on the other.

> "you are always pissing me off"

This being the case, why is she still dating you?
This being the case, why aren't the two of you learning methods of managing the relationship? People need to learn how to argue effectively, and, how to negotiate.

> I dont look forward to going back out and trying to date and meet women again.

This is the wrong outlook and approach. Please read what I have written about dating and how to go about it. You'll find it listed in the Index.

Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating is all about learning what humanity has to offer us in prospective mates so that when Mr./Ms. Right does come along we are better able to recognize this individual. Dating should not be an exclusive relationship until you are ready to settle down. In the meantime, dating is all about going out with others, perhaps dating two people at the same time, and enjoying them, life, and learning all about personalities, characters, likes, dislikes, quirks, goals, attitudes, beliefs, etc. Besides, dating two at a time pretty much guarantees that you will have a date for Saturday night.

Much more importantly, if your dating is open ended and not exclusive, you eliminate all the drama and trauma associated with this limited relationship. This is very important the younger a couple is and when they have yet to develop the social and coping skills required to handle disagreements and other problems.

If you are unable to date two people at the same time, the primary goal is to date many women in succession learning what you can from each. These transitory relationships will help develop your character, ideals, and give you an objectivity you won't have by having only one girlfriend. Some dates will last thru a dinner, others will last a few dates, a few will last months, and one or two people will last years. It is then that you decide which one if either is the right person for you. If neither, keep on keeping on. Don't settle. You'll never be truly happy and the relationship will likely fail within a few years as the two of you continue to develop, often in different directions.

You can have the sense of "belonging" that you seek whether you date only one person in your life or two or more. By not being exclusive, you keep the relationship casual while you learn more about each other. It's only when the relationship is closed that the individuals feel entitled and power struggles exist.

My recommendation is to get over the need to be needed or to have "a" girlfriend. Instead, play the field and learn about others while learning more about yourself. Who you choose in a year or two from now will most likely be a different person than you are dating now. Why? Because you will be a different person. How? Because despite dating only one person to the exclusion of all others, you will grow and mature.