rocks, no potholes in the road

[rlgates]

been some time sence I last posted here, little update from my life, things have gotten a lot better. For almost the last 2 months I have been in a very happy and great relationship with a girl named trisha. Now, I am freaking out some tonight...

OK, she has this friend, who I will not name, dont want to.. Anway, Personel, I feel like this perons has done nothing but use her and the like. Now, tonight, out of the blue I get a phone call from my girl saying its over with us. She and her friend had been talking and her friend said that I did not respect her or do what I should for her and that she should dump me.

Long story short now.. after talking with her foralmost a hour on the cell phone, burning up my mins too.. we have gotten things patched up. But, I cant get this feeling off my mind that this so called friend just wants us to part. Its a girl btw. You see, before me and trisha starting dating, trish was free to do what every this friend needed and more.. so now, shes does not have that time and this girl is grabing at anything she can. I also thinks this bipoloer but thats just me.

Am I worng in thinking that she just wants to get her "slave" back? If I am right, what should be my next move? After my piss poor luck with women over the last year or more realy, I dont want to run the risk of losing another one!! My heart cant take it. If it was not for this one person, I would not be this scread that I am loosing something that has not had this much meaning to me in ages.. Me and her have done more, had more fun togeather and enjoyed so much more of life in the last two months then I have every wtih anyone else in my whole life total!!!

[Massdebator]

When two people date or engage in an exclusive relationship of some sort, they remain two people with two seperate lives. To expect or demand that you share one social life, one personal life, is silly, but you should expect her life to complement your life in such a way that you both feel enriched and fulfilled.

It follows that you cannot expect to have control over what she does outside of her relationship with you. Either you approve, disapprove, or advise her in her situations (should she share that information with you, b/c she doesn't have to do so), but you certainly should not meddle unless it's some kind of life-threatening situation. I do mean life-threatening, and not the "I can't live without you" kind of melodrama.

However, sometimes the behavior of one party in a relationship can strain said relationship to such an extent that neither party is happy (a "deal breaker"). In these situations, it's usually best to end it for the sake of both people, rather than forcing one's will onto the other person. Ultimatums, as I have learned and others here have taught me, are a terrible idea.

As to your specific situation, tell her how you feel, and listen to her feelings on the matter at hand. Trust her to handle her own business in her own way, because believe it or not, you are not responsible for her or her mistakes. If after some time you still feel cheated or concerned that she is getting taken in by her friend, revisiting the subject and acting from there would not be out of line. It is important to note that, generally speaking, keeping someone from their friends because you don't want to spend less time with them is quite selfish.

This was long, and no doubt someone else will come along with more advice for you. I hope this helps.

Cheers!

[Ell]

I had a friend like that when my hubby & I were dating, not quite as bad though. My only suggestion is to have an adult conversation with her, tell her how you feel about it, and try to show her what the friend is doing without bashing her friend. Bashing her friend will just make you look bad, and If she's smart she will see what her friend is doing.

[rlgates]

I am hoping to do that today. But for last night, everytime I tryed to say something, this "firend" turned my words around. They had broken up and gotten back togeather as friends twice in the time me and her have been togeather.

The main points that she, namely her firend was making was..

That is dont chip in on gas for her to come down here to see me. She is a hour drive from me or so. Both of us are between jobs but both looking hard for one. She never asked me and I didnt know so we talked that over and I think thats alright now..

The last time the two of them were not talking, about 3 weeks ago, me and Trish had to go to this girls appartment and get something back from her. When we got there, her father and mother just laided in to her about the way SHE was treating her when it was this girl causing all the BS. She and her folks are saying that I didnt defend her at all. I was just standing there. The was I was rasied, you waited till the person speaking was done, then talk. But these two never stoped yelling. When I did speak, they would not hear anything I had to say. Bottom line was, they are right and I was worng. I dont get into shouting matches with people like that.

Next, the firend said I never take her out to dinner or anything. Well, I have been wanting to, but, Thanks to this frined, my GF never gets here till late at ngiht, after 9 and somtimes not till after 10.. This is after we have planed to be togeather starting around 3 in the afternoon.

I hope maybe she will see this person for who she is. But I am worried she will not see it. This girl, this month a year ago had to have a brain tomer removed so, I think its a case of, " I almost died and you owe me" Everytime she speaks, she brings this that up. EVERY DAMN TIME! All I know is, none of this came to light till last night when my GF and this girl started to hang out.

[dancingdoc2]

What is the payoff?

There has to be a reason why your girlfriend (and you as an aside to this) continue the relationship with this person. If your girlfriend enjoys the conflicts then she must be getting something from all this.

If you do not want to be involved, tell her so, and ask that they meet when you are not around. Let your girlfriend know how this person is impacting your relationship and that it cannot continue if "we" are to continue.

I rather doubt there is anything you personally can say to this person that will change how she interacts with or treats the two of you. I wouldn't even try because she will likely have a comeback for everything you say to her.

Bottom line: Separate yourself from this person or separate yourself from your girlfriend. If your girlfriend wants you more than her friendship with this other person then encourage her to distance herself from her also.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Do not yell. Do not debate. Do not whine. Just tell your girlfriend that as much as you adore her, as much as you desire her, as much as you enjoy her and being with her - you simply cannot continue being in a relationship with a girl who permits her friends to interfere with that relationship. Be prepared to walk away. (BTW you should stop giving your heart away so easily. Date a person for 2 years before you speak of love.)

The other girl is terribly unhappy and wants her 'friend' (your girlfriend) to also be unhappy.

The other girl is socially competing with your girlfriend by making sure your girlfriend does not have a boyfriend. Since she cannot find a boyfriend, your girlfriend should not have one either. It is a question of control.

The weak and immature will always be drawn to the apparently strong and confident. You have to decide if you want her enough to be that strong and confident person.

[rlgates]

thanks for everyones help and imput on this one. Me and her have worked it out and she will not be leting this friend push her about anymore. We talked it out last night, and had some of the best sex of our relationship to boot!

Now, I just need get her to give better head, but thats another question for another time..

[rlgates]

(doormat) - see me!

thats who I am now. I find a girl, one who I could have belived in and trusted fully in and now.. I get kicked in the nuts with a pair of steel toed boots.

Long story short, I got dumped this afternoon, 5 days short of the 2 month mark. Reason, she found better!! Her words, not mine.

Thanks to everyone here for any help that they have given but.. I will not be posting anymore here that I can think of. Again, thanks

[Massdebator]

By all means, stick around. There's no reason you can't contribute to the community whilst single.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Let me point out that investing into a relationship early on can lead to just this sort of thing. Do NOT wear your heart on your sleeve not only because it makes you vulnerable but because it also scares potential partners.

In this case, this was not the right girl for this fellow.

He was well within his rights to demand her respect and to be adult about dating. Unfortunately, she did not feel quite up to it. Her final good-bye slur was totally unnecessary and proves that she was unworthy.