Back in the game after 20 years...HELP!?!

[daubsnu1]

Been with my STBxWW for 20 years...18 married. She was my first and only partner. Last time I touched another woman AIDS wasn't even a household word yet. Wore a condom because didn't want to get preggers, not any worries about STDs, etc.

So now it's time for Plan D (divorce) and I will be back in the dating game some time down the road.

I've got questions...

So let's just start there. Talk to me. Tell me what I need to know. Tell me the questions to ask.

[dancingdoc2]

It takes most of us a couple of years after the divorce papers are final in order to get to a place in our head where we are ready to date. I belong to the school that does not recommend jumping out of one relationship and into another. It takes several months in order to feel good about ourselves and the world around us.

If you want to begin cultivating new friends then do so. Develop good friendships and if one or more of the women seem right for you, then take it to the next level after a couple of years. In the meantime you can get your feelings in order and have a social life with these men and women.

Rebound relationships rarely workout even though they feel good in the beginning. That said, why not just develop friendships in which you can socialize with people, establish a network out of these friends in order to expand your circle of acquaintances and go from there. You have all the benefits without the drama and trauma that you most likely are not going to be ready to cope with for awhile.

As for what questions to ask? Just ask us when each comes to mind.

[daubsnu1]

Dancing. I understand your rationale. I'm with you all the way on waiting, taking my time, developing good friendships, etc.

Maybe I posted this in the wrong forum. I'm thinking about months down the road, I'm a single guy, hanging out wherever and I pretty catches my eye. We decide to hook up

Obviously condoms / protection. What are the common standards for protection / sex if we are talking oral, anal, etc. Help me out here...

Those are the kinds of Qs I'm looking to have answered right now. Help me get educated.

[wet_suit_one]

You've got lots of time, as I'm assuming the divorce won't be finalized tomorrow. Keep on reading, read the stickies...

[dancingdoc2]

> Obviously condoms / protection. What are the common standards for protection / sex if we are talking oral, anal, etc. Help me out here...

> Those are the kinds of Qs I'm looking to have answered right now. Help me get educated.

We've discussed these matters quite a lot, it seems like at least once a week.

* If the woman is not ready or prepared to be a mother then she must protect herself by using the Pill, patch, diaphragm, or some other form of highly reliable contraceptive.

* If the man is not ready or prepared to be a father then he must wear a condom.

* Both of these should have a back up--a spermicide.

As for anal, this depend upon whether you are planning for intercourse or just enjoying dildos and other toys. ALWAYS use a condom if you plan on penetrating the rectum. There are no exceptions.

Always use plenty of lubrication, and if you think you are using a sufficient amount, use more. There is a Sticky article listed in the Index that discusses the how-to's of anal play. I recommend reading it.

What other questions are on your mind?

-doc

[daubsnu1]

Thanks doc. I will read up on stickies. Have a long way to go with this divorce. It's been such a long time since I was back in the dating game, just wanted to prepare myself.

FWIW, got a V, so no bullets in my gun.

[dancingdoc2]

> FWIW, got a V, so no bullets in my gun.

I strongly recommend using a condom during the early days/nights of a relationship and certainly until you learn about the woman's history and the accuracy of the information. Why? STDs, STIs, VD, or a "social disease" whatever you want to call them.

Both of you should get a medical checkup and clearance even if you know you are "clean". Why? Peace of mind and the fact that you have a piece of paper you can show the other person. Then you can eliminate the condom if you want.

Next question?

[daubsnu1]

That was my next question...ur reading my mind.

I'm headed to the doc today to get tested for STDs, STIs (what are those?) and HIV, just to be sure.

Sounds so funny, "gee sweety, I really like you...let's get intimate...but first, her's my paperwork to verify my cleanliness "

I guess it's the sign of the times...

Next question: What about oral either way? Always a condom on me? Protective barrier when I'm down on her? Thoughts on that topic...

[Ephemera]

STI = Sexually transmitted infection.

[EvilEvilKitten]

ALWAYS wear a condom - period!

It is extremely inconsiderate to not be prepared whether you're shooting blanks or not - immaterial - and you'd deserve it if the woman threw you out right then and there. YES, it is THAT serious. The incidence of sexual transmission from oral is both low and possible so coondoms are required and yes, female condoms are available for use during cunnilingus.

Next - you're 20 years older and you have limited experience and probably limited sexual skills based upon only one partner. And it is a snake-pit out there. Unsuitable women, unsuitable men, and everyone chasing the few who are suitable. You are going to have to compete - this includes in the bedroom.

At first, you will not be "choosy" or "picky" and may get yourself unhappily partnered because you followed your penis and put your brain on hold. You will be out for fun and to heal your ego.

That being said - you can find yourself with the right women if you give yourself time and use your brain when making your choices. Think who you are and what you have to offer; who you want and what you're looking for; and what kind of life you want to live - BEFORE you go out hunting.

If in doubt - consult your local swing/Lifestyle group and make friends there. They will talk about sex and relationships at great length and in great detail to anyone who will listen.

Good luck!