when you approach......

[Breedlove]

when I approach this girl(we've been dating for almost a month now) and everytime I do I feel for at a loss of words. I really try to think of things to say but when I try to say it it always comes out wrong. I don't understand why this is happening I've never had this problem before but it's like when I see her and try to talk to her I feel stunned to be hypothetical here. I'm also wondering if she might findthis unattractive in any way so ladies what would say if your boyfriend or what not Fell short at a loss of words? Is it unnattractive. Or a good indicator that he really likes you? I'm just hoping that this girl I'm seeing doesn't get the wrong impression. If she is what should I do? Help would be much appreciated

[dancingdoc2]

Being tongue-tied, and verbally klutzy are phases we all go through. Not to worry. Another problem we sometimes suffer from is saying something without thinking, first. If this ever happens, immediately tell the person "well, that came out wrong, I apologize" and then go on to say it correctly.

Girls are chatty creatures by nature. All we fellas have to do is ask a question or bring up a topic of discussion and then stand back, listen, and take mental notes. You can then interject a question here and there--and, wa la, you have an ongoing conversation.

Years ago I had a boss who gave me great advice: "Plan your work and work your plan." This was for running a business more effectively. So, let's change the wording to: "Plan your talk and talk your plan--meaning, think about topics you'd like to talk about or questions you'd like to ask a few hours before getting together; then, when you do see her and get all weak in the knees and your tongue mysteriously gets into a "knot", you can then recall what it is you want to say because it has been preplanned.

As you ask your girlfriend questions, and she begins chatting, and you take mental notes for questions or comments to interject and add to the conversation, you will no doubt learn that in addition to extending the topic of conversation, the conversation will take a different turn and so it goes.

When the time comes to share information about yourself, do so freely and honestly, although, do not spill all the beans at one time. Dole out information a little at a time over time and in this way you will have more to talk about down the road. Besides, if you keep her guessing and wondering what more there is to know about you, she will be interested in asking you questions and just hangin' around wanting more..... How nice is that?

Girls usually understand the we can be awkward at times. It is not that you stumble, it is how you pick yourself up and go on that matters.

[Breedlove]

ok doc thanks I'll be sure to do this. Also another question someone might be able Is. She has like a huge insecurity for her body she think she's disgusting and I tell her that she's amazing and beautiful in every way. Also that she's perfect to me I understand that, that's really only my opinion of her. So my question is how do I make her comfortable and secure about her body. The worst part of this that when we engage in anything sexual she would make me be the only one nude and stares at my body and then engages in something sexual such as oral or a hand job. But she refuses to take of her clothes or any article of clothing. It's so bad that she goes to lengths such as if were at the beach and I'm with her she won't strip down to her bikini when I'm around but when I'm not around she's fine with taking her clothes of and walking around in her bikini and shed even do it in front another guy. And that just ticks me off I tried to talk to her about that but she ignores it and repeatedly talks about how ugly her body is. I need some advice on this subject at hand someone please help

[Breedlove]

and by the way when we do engage in anything sexual I'm not bringing it up or anything but she just asks me to strip. She told me she enjoys watching the way I strip and shell sit there and watch me even when I tell her no I don't feel like it. But she nags and I just give in cause I don't want to the guy who didn't satisfy her in a great relationship. I just think it's unfaire for me to be the only one naked in our sexual obligations, and I find it unhealthy for her to think that about her body for I fear it may lead to something else

[Breedlove]

so for the length of the post just thought I should give a detailed idea of what's happening thanks in advance for advice an such

[dancingdoc2]

Your girlfriend is at that age and that phase where she like so many girls have body image problems. Unlike boys who have penis issues, girls can find fault real or imagined with any part(s) of their bodies and carry the discontent to the extreme. There is really nothing you can do to help her with this, other than to continue to look her in the eye and tell her lovingly that she is beautiful and it is because of her beauty and her mind that you have fallen for her. Of course, she will discount what you say so just drop it at this point, until the next opportunity to tell her the same thing. Do not enter into a debate or a discussion or an argument about this.

If she enjoys watching you strip, then perhaps you should do an enthusiastic seductive strip tease for her.** She is now focused on you, not her, so let her have this fantasy. As for doing anything while naked, don't. If she will let you show off yet will not reciprocate, then stop things at this point. Tell her you are embarrassed to show her your body, yet bite the bullet and believe it unfair that she does not believe you when you truthfully tell her you like hers. It is unfair that she can touch, caress, and fondle you all over, yet restrict you the same enjoyment. So, no touching you, no touching her.

This is a waiting game for her to come to terms with her body. It may take a few weeks, although, I'd be prepared for it to take a year or so. You have to decide whether this is worth the time, effort, wait, and, devotion.

** As for doing a striptease, tease her. Stand in the doorway and use the jam or the edge of the door as a prop and give it your all. After you have slowly removed your clothing, run your hands over your body and give her some randy looks, etc. Run your hands over your butt cheeks, fondle your penis and scrotum, whatever.... Just maintain your distance and be nice but be firm.

BOTTOM LINE-
Her perception of self is something she has to work thru herself. Will you wait and if so how long?

Even if she does have legitimate issues with one or more parts of her body, the bigger problem is that she is not trusting in the truthfulness of what you are telling her. She has to make this leap, first, and this is a matter of immaturity.

[Breedlove]

Ok thanks doc that helps a lot. I would say that I would give a little over a year if by then she can't get passed this then I don't think I could handle that. And as far as the strip tease goes that sounds like a great Idea but I'm not sure if I'd feel comfortable with the hands on the body and what not I would feel akward. It's just not my thing. Is there something else you might recommend?

[dancingdoc2]

I would like the women to comment. I'm not certain my advice is the way to go, yet being a man and having gone through an issue like this, although, not so extreme, I did do what I talked about. It was exasperating not to be believed and I told her this. She was mad because while she wanted to run her hand over me and more, I stopped touching her because she would not go any further than undoing her shirt and unfastening her bra--period. She would let me touch her thru clothing anywhere and everywhere, just no undressing.

In my situation, she did eventually come around, first very cautiously in the dark, then with some early morning daylight shining thru closed drapes--and, with her eyes closed, she would let me slip a hand under her pajamas and eventually remove them. It was a painful struggle for her because she wanted to do this, knew she was being irrational, yet took "forever" to gain the confidence to let me see her in the all together. I thought oral would never happen. Once again, when it did it was during black out conditions. Over time, though, I was eventually able to admire even this most intimate of places. Pleasure eventually won out. That relationship was during my college days and eventually ended, not so much over this as just discovering that we were not right for each other long term.

> And as far as the strip tease goes that sounds like a great Idea but I'm not sure if I'd feel comfortable with the hands on the body and what not I would feel akward. It's just not my thing.

As for other ideas for you, I cannot come up with any specifics to try just this minute; however, if she responds favorably to something you do, repeat it or embellish it.
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OK, after posting this, doing some online editing, this thought came to mind: I sometimes tell people to become an actor or actress and to play a part in order to change behavior or try something new. My suggestion for you in order to overcome being uncomfortable running your hands over your body or fondling yourself as you sway and turn in the door way, etc., is to think of yourself as an actor playing a role in a play. Often this transference can help a person undertake actions that are otherwise foreign or not part of their makeup. Case and point:

If you feel comfortable stroking your penis while laying beside her whether you do it just a little or to climax, then why can't you do it six feet away while standing and letting her watch you shake it or stroke it a couple of times? You probably can if you play a mind game with yourself and become a character in a play that you are acting in wherein she is the audience. Give it a try--or not, as you choose.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If tongue-tied and called on it - just say you were "stunned by your beauty" to the girl in question. Then give her a huge bear hug and laugh.

You're a guy - women expect you to be somewhat clumsy.