I'm in love with my best friend...but i'm stranded

[barnley]

Hey guys...

I've known this girl for about 2 years now. We met at the local library to study for our end of high school exams late 2007. After our first meeting, I really liked her, but only as a friend. We got a long well with each other, and within weeks we were chatting with each other every night on the phone or on instant messenger, and we got to know each other very well. We were best friends, and we shared even some of our biggest secrets with each other.

Throughout all of that she was with her boyfriend, whom she met only a few weeks before she met me. They dated for over a year but under secrecy since her parents did not allow her to have a boyfriend until after uni...and I was kept in the dark until she told me about their relationship after they broke up, which was in late 2008.

I knew her boyfriend well but at the end of their relationship he neglected her and refused to talk to her after they broke up, which was very bad for her and she was in distress and unhappiness for a few weeks until she pulled out of it and gradually became happier. With the help of her friends I was able to cheer her up and she came out a stronger person.

Throughout the year she was going out with this guy, I developed feelings for her, although i never expressed them. She told me she considered me a very good friend, and told me things that she would never have told a guy who was interested in her. For some reason I can't remember, i told her i was not interested in her and that we would always be best friends at most (i wanted to stab myself now for saying that). People have told her that I like her, by the way i act around her and the things i do for her, such as getting her nice presents and giving her lifts to school and back home, etc. But I always told them no i dont like her at all. I thought if she found out that I liked her after all she would stop trusting me and our relationship would no longer be the same. I knew her parents quite well too...and if word got to them that I was interested in their daughter they would not let me see her as often (they were very protective of her).

We promised each other that I wouldn't get a girlfriend and she wouldnt get a boyfriend until our university finishes. But now one of my other friends who had a crush on her is going out with her...it took him months and months of persuading to get her to go out with him, but the thing that pisses me off is the fact that he knew full well she was not allowed a boyfriend, and if her parents ever found out she would be in a lot of trouble...I mean A LOT. But he still went and kept buggering her and asking her. Knowing my friend, she liked boys liking her...she was easy and she didnt bother hiding it. I couldnt persuade my friend not to ak her out, that would be stabbing him in the back. I didn't give her any advice...I would she would keep her promise with me.

But she didnt. She finally gave in to his persuasion, which made me even more angry. Now they have been going out for around a quarter of a year, and recently she told me that she thinks he's Mr. Right, and she hadnt felt this way with anyone else before.

Fuck him. I was going to wait until uni finished before making my move.

I got very jealous after they started going out, and for a few months I acted very weird and I was increasingly unhappy since i really love her too. I started doing randomly mean things to her...ignoring her, not picking up her calls. I think she saw this change and I think she doesnt think of me as such a good friend anymore. She broke her promise of not going out with anyone until uni finished, but she downplayed it and said that I broke some other promises to her too. I couldn't say anything because I was not mean to like her at all.

I also get the feeling that she looks down on me as some sort of loser...I hadn't had a proper girlfriend yet at that time, I hadn't even kissed a girl and I'm 19.

I can't tell anyone how i felt those few weeks, I was bottled up. All my friends knew they were going out...I got some consolation because some of them didn't think they would last. My friend and her barely talk to me anymore, they're together all the time. I felt like i got robbed, like my friend stole her away from me.

When we do talk, all she ever talks about is what she is doing with him, what they have planned, it really makes me angry. i feel that he is being selfish and not considering how much trouble she can potentially get into. I'm really angry at him, but I can't show it. I cant tell anyone expect you guys.

I really don't know what to do. I've been trying to meet other girls by going to parties, chatting to more girls in uni, but I havent been able to find anybody else I like better than her. I've been trying to force myself not to think of her, and talk more to girl's i've recently met, but it only works for a while...after that the nostalgia and sadness just comes back. I dont want to go out with a girl without truly liking her becasue i still love somebody else..because thats mean. I dont want to be an inconsiderate bastard like my friend. Even though I havent had a girlfriend before I think she is the one...and I really like her and I think i can spend the rest of my life with her. I really love her...but I cant have her.

What should i do now? Should i tell her how I feel? I hate pretending I dont like her, i really want her to know i care...please help

Thanks for listening to my blabbing =]

[LickMyGamete]

More teenage drama already?

Let me get this straight - you were going to wait FOUR years before making any move on her, or dating anyone else? And you postponed any move because she (as an adult) would get into trouble with her parents for having a BF? Does that truly sound reasonable to you?

Being blunt - it sounds like you were afraid to make a move, and used excuse after excuse for your cold feet. What's worse is that you romanticize it. It's like your proud that you delayed doing/saying anything, when really it's just being a coward and afraid to tell her how you feel.

"I don't want to go out with a girl without truly liking her because I still love somebody else" is another excuse. Going out with someone doesn't mean you're going to marry them, it doesn't even mean you're in a relationship. And it sounds like this is exactly what you need, you're just stuck in the first serious relationship phase and suffer from the "poor me! I met and lost the person I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with at the tender age of 19!" delusion. We ALL go through it, and get over it. The worse thing you can do is romanticize it and let it hold you back. If she really wanted to be with you - she would be with you. That is not love, and there is nothing that deserves romanticizing about that.

If I were you, I would use her as a test. Man up, go straight to her, and tell her bluntly how you feel. Don't expect anything to come of it (and definitely don't let her string you along), except the experience and satisfaction that you could be a man and not coward out when talking to a girl. Then go out and meet a few, because there are some great ones you're missing out on out there!!

Have fun!

[dancingdoc2]

> I knew her boyfriend well but at the end of their relationship he neglected her and refused to talk to her after they broke up, which was very bad for her and she was in distress and unhappiness for a few weeks until she pulled out of it and gradually became happier.

> > I started doing randomly mean things to her...ignoring her, not picking up her calls. I think she saw this change and I think she doesnt think of me as such a good friend anymore.

What goes around comes around.

What is the benefit of retaliating when your feelings get hurt?

> We promised each other that I wouldn't get a girlfriend and she wouldnt get a boyfriend until our university finishes.

This is all well and good, yet very idealistic, not at all realistic. This scenario is a prime example of why teens and young adults should not be in exclusive relationships. You can date lots of others, perhaps a couple at the same time, non-exclusively, reap the same benefits yet not have the drama and resulting trauma. Kids your age are very idealistic and often pragmatic to the point of being intolerant of certain behaviors or principles and not willing to be flexible. This is a phase of growing up that we all go thru.

What young people do not understand is that promises made at one stage of life (say 15 as an example) are difficult or impossible to maintain later after attaining more maturity and life experience (say 17 or 18). These people are now caught between the proverbial "rock and a hard spot". They want to stay true to the promise or the belief, and believe that if they change their mind or outlook on life that changing the promise or modifying it or eliminating it is somehow a violation of ethics. Not so. It is nothing more than adapting to new information.

> I thought if she found out that I liked her after all she would stop trusting me and our relationship would no longer be the same.

Think about this: where is the logic in this concept? Why would she stop trusting you for simply wanting to expand the relationship and being honest in expressing how you now feel toward her. You worry and over think this unnecessarily.

> We promised each other that I wouldn't get a girlfriend and she wouldnt get a boyfriend until our university finishes.

Another example of idealism being impractical; however, at the time you made these promises you did not know any better. Now that you do you should be able to take a new look at the situation and make changes. It is foolish to hold onto a promise until death do you part! without some reevaluation along the way.

I've stated this over and over: dating does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating should be non-exclusive and uncommitted until a person reaches a point in his/her life that they are ready to settle down.

Dating is all about learning what humanity has to offer us in a potential mate and as a result of going out with lots of people, being better able to recognize when Mr./Ms. Right comes along. With each person you date, you should be learning about individual characters, characteristics, likes, dislikes, goals, values, morals, quirks, in order to find a person who fits well with your personality and objectives, etc. Bypassing the dating process as it is designed to be is one major reason why the divorce rate is so high. As an individual continues to grow and mature and change their view of the world, very often the person who was thought to be "the one" in the teen years is not the person we would choose at 25. Better to learn more about people during these first years so when you are ready to settle down, you will understand and know better what you want in a mate.

Also, think of all the fun and activities you could be experiencing and enjoying whether you are dating one person or more than one at a time. This is one area of life where "you can have your cake and eat it too". What young people nowadays fail to understand is that you can have the feeling of belonging without the emotional entanglements because you and the other person are dating and will continue to date because you want to and until it no longer is beneficial to one or both. This principle is independent of whether the relationship is "exclusive" or not. Better it/they not be for the foreseeable future.

> What should i do now? Should i tell her how I feel? I hate pretending I dont like her, i really want her to know i care.

Asked and answered, above. Also, please have a look at the Index found at the top of the main screen and begin reading the articles that discuss the various aspects of dating and relationships.

Summon your courage and have a heart to heart talk with this girl. Tell her how you felt, what you promised, why the promise needs to change, and that you would like to date her. If she agrees, I recommend that you keep the relationship open ended. As long as the dating goes well for each of you there is no reason to make it restricted by agreeing to be "committed". You are by implication and behavior. She will be dating you because she wants to and the same for you. Make the agreement that each of you can date others and perhaps should for the time being. If you don't then you still have exclusivity yet without the strings.

If at some time in the future the relationship ends, it will be easier because there will be less emotional baggage to deal with.

Do yourself a BIG favor. Live your life. If you have to wait out four years of higher education to date, learn about others, learn about yourself in the meantime, and what your wants, needs, and, desires are over time, otherwise you are standing on principle that is completely impractical. Please go back and read what I said about learning how to find a suitable mate. Learn how to date properly.

Bottom Line: Do you understand the "implication" of all this? You can date this girl, have and enjoy all that this entails without being "boyfriend and girlfriend" in her parents scope of what is or should be for their daughter over the next few years.

BTW, are they paying for her education? If so, then I suppose she is locked into this mandate even though she is an adult. Perhaps she should consider being autonomous by being out on her own, paying her own way, and having a job that will pay for her education as she goes. It's a thought. Her education may take longer; yet, she will have the pride of accomplishment of making her own way in life.

What are her parents' concerns? That they do not want her dating until her education is complete is more than likely rooted in the belief that if she does enter into a one-on-one relationship with someone she will be distracted from her studies because of all the good and the bad that will accompany the exclusivity. They want her to remain focused. In addition, perhaps, is the fear that she could become pregnant for whatever reason. She may have every good intention not to become pregnant, however, slips do occur no matter how unintentional or irresponsible.

Date her. Date others, also. If this is meant to be, it will be in two, three, four, or more years. It will be because she chooses to be with you even the two of you date others at the same time and discover if she is really Ms. Right or not.

[EvilEvilKitten]

End of high school in 2007 (it is now 2 years later), now in university, so you two are what 20 years old and you're STILL ACTING LIKE CHILDREN????

What's with this "no boyfriend" thing? She acquieses yet sneaks around.
Then there's the tears after break-up thing. Apparently she's still living at home with these idiots she calls her parents.
Proper sex education would have been more effective.

You, on the other hand, began having feelings for an immature princess and now find yourself ousted out of the race by this friend. You're not jealous - you're kicking yourself for believing what this immature princess told you. Why did you believe her? Look, she's lying to her parents - might as well lie to you too especially since it gets her free counseling, a shoulder to cry on, and someone she can talk to about her boyfriend. For her it is all gain with no pain.

Immature princess: because rather than telling her parents she is not willing to abide by their "no boyfriend" rule, she sneaks around - in effect - she lies ot them. Also she broke her promise to you. It was an unfair promise and one that should never have been asked of her but once agreed to , she should have abided by it or renegotiated it - she did neither - she just went and broke it.

What I expect you to do is during tonight's telephone conversation, in measured tones and without getting angry, precisely tell her exactly how what she has done makes you feel. Give her a chance to speak. Say thank you for the education. Then say goodbye and hang-up.

WALK AWAY, BABY!

Next time - do not make silly promises, do not be a shoulder to cry on, and do not be exclusive until you're engaged to be married.

[Breedlove]

Doc and EEK basically covered it you just need to be a man and move on this her loss in the end not only of a good friend but future boyfriend or possibly lover, both of you are also at fault here first because your a man your on the hunt for a female lover and subconciousley she is looking for a man to mate with and breed and such and you need t be the man your no more boy and take intiative and she won't accept you then she's not ready for a man in her life and she's to immature to see that this is where you tell her your feelings and move as EEK pointed but do it nicely with respect. Then you move to WOMEN that's mature and ready for a man and is a promising person if I'm correct this someone your searching for as I have told you you are on the hunt. Unless I'm missing something here maybe unexplained if I'm wrong about anything please fill me in and correct me I hope I helped at least in a small bit

[dancingdoc2]

Now, those are three great examples of run-on sentences I think I follow the train of thought periods would have been very helpful.

[Breedlove]

sorry doc I'm not the best with grammar cut a guy some slack would ya

[EvilEvilKitten]

Breedlove, if you cannot be bothered to write English correctly, you will just have to accept that no, we will not bother cutting you any slack.

You get what you give.

[Breedlove]

dang harsh I like it. I'll try too work on it my apologies.

[barnley]

hey guys thanks for your replies...i really had a thought over it and decided not to call her. We are still best friends and i figured out its best if she didn't know how i really felt about her...

Lets not forgot that she also has a boyfriend. Her boyfriend is also my friend. I think it would be really unreasonable for me to just go to his girlfriend and tell her i'm in love with her, etc. Its like i'm backstabbing him. I'm really not that kind of guy.

EEK, we're best friends. I'm not just 'a shoulder to cry on' and i'm not being used. I can't say goodbye that easily. She's helped me through all sorts of problems and i've done the same to her, and its hard to break all bonds with a single call.

I've decided to shut her out for the time being. I am trying to meet more girls through friends and at social events. I'm confident i can find somebody I like better than her, and i'm actually excited at the feeling of meeting new people again.

Thanks again you guys...i'll be back if i have new queries about my new date(s) =]