Self-Destruction and myself...

[Dbondjuk]

Yeah this is really long, didn't know it was going to be this bad, but it is sort of confusing.

I think I am self-destructive because of the things I seem to put myself into all the time. The most recent thing was having sex with my ex ex GF. We have been talking since about October of last year and things started to re-ignite from where they left off when we last dated. Now the only problem is, shes pregnant with someone else baby and engaged to him. She has been talking to me about him and how she is so unhappy with him, how he has no job and refuses to get one, and lastly how he wants to use the money she makes to buy weed and alcohol.

I have been there for her, listening and trying to help her with him being I was sort of in that position. I told her she needs to sit down and have a chat with him about how its time to get serious and stop the kid stuff, he has a baby coming in 3 months. She has tried to tell him to get a job and stop with the weed for months, but he always said he would promise it would be the last time he would ask for money for weed, or he would promise he would get a job the next day, never has.

About a week or 2 ago, we were talking and she said she loved me. I figured she was falling for me again, as I was sort of falling for he as well again. Another week goes by and we end up seeing each other, I'd meet her for lunch and what not. One day, we kissed and she said it felt so right. The next few days her finance finds out about us talking and then she calls me in the morning crying. So she moved out of there for 2 days and stayed with her best friend. She wanted me to to come see her and talk, so I did. We talked all night, then I was about to leave and asked her if she wanted to continue this conversation at my place and she came. We ended up sleeping together, then having sex the next morning, calling out of work to talk more and spend more time together. It was all very amazing I might add.

Now the hard and confusing part is, she tells me how it feels so right when she kisses me and its like time stopped (which to me it feels like a Wednesday, not Saturday.). She says she hasn't felt this way with her fiance in like 4 months. When we had sex she said she hasn't been touched like that in such a long time, basically she forgot what its like to feel the passion me and her shared.

Finally, her finance calls her and starts to all of a sudden give a crap about everything, like any guy who was in a relationship and afraid of losing their significant other, he started to get his act together and go look for a job and he "promises" to stop smoking. So since she has his baby, I think she felt obligated to stay with him, even though when she was with me her she was so happy, yet she feels like she has to give him this last chance to get his act together. She told me if she doesn't feel "IT" with him after a few days or so, she is going to leave. She said that spark just isn't there anymore, and she wants to feel what I make her feel with him. Thus, leaving me somewhat heartbroken because it feels like we dated for a long time, so much happened in 3 days it's unbelievable. Personally, I think she will be calling me soon telling me she misses me and wants me, which would leave me to decide, what? I want her to be happy, but myself and all of her best friends, family, and co-workers see that this guy she is with is complete trash and not worth it. She is completely miserable and I'd hate to see someone stay with someone else because of a baby. It isn't even a financially good situation because he has no income.

I'm not sure what I'm asking of anyone here, or what type of advice I'm looking for. I'm pretty much over my Ex, Amy at this point, and I feel like I just miss the explosion of feelings me and this girl Amanda share. I know she misses them too and we both want an "US". What should I do? I don't want her to leave him for me, but I would like her to leave him because she knows he isn't right for her, then possibly date me. I know you guys argue the type of dating: Exclusivity and Casually dating, but I'm the kind of person who likes to find one person and put my all into it, regardless of the outcome, hence my self-destructive paths I always take. I knew it would be a dumb idea to do the things I did with this girl, but I wanted to see how I would feel in the end and how I made her feel. It was exactly what i expected, minus her going back to him, but in the end I think she will end up coming to me. Who knows though.

Any opinions? Sorry it was extremely long, just like to add a mini story into it :S

[dancingdoc2]

Doc's recommendations:

* Be her friend
* Be nothing else

* Do not be in a rush to rescue her or anybody else
* Set high standards for yourself and what you want from a relationship and with what type of person. This is why I continue talking about the process of dating and why it is so important to meet lots of different people along the way.
(If you have not read any of my thoughts on the matter, you should.)

* If you have not read the article on living together, then read this one, also.
+ Taking on a new partner is difficult enough.
+ Taking on a new partner, living together, raising a child together, is a major twenty year commitment. Your life and your interests will pretty much be controlled by the child's needs. In other words, you will be more with the infant than with her in a day to day sense as his/her needs come first. So much for love and romance and going out and having fun all the time, not to mention taking trips or vacations.
+ Do you have the money and the wherewithal to finance this "threesome"?

* Step back and be a fly on the wall and listen to what your friend is saying. My guess is she is speaking emotionally and not pragmatically. Her comments are sparked by the immediate situation. She is also probably looking for someone to help long term with her about to be new life and role as a mother. In and of itself this is not a bad thing, although, is it a "thing" you want to become a part of? More to the point, will you be helping the woman, or rescuing the father of her child?

If you do decide to jump in, please understand that you will most likely be the father figure in this child's life and all that this entails. So are you ready to be a dad? Can you do it financially, emotionally, practically 24/7/20?

If you decide to become a part of her life in a real way, then fine, although, I do not believe you have thought this through long term. Better me thinks to just be her friend, offer whatever support you are willing to become involved with--and continue to date, meeting new people, learning about others as well as yourself, while not being in a rush to "belong" and settle down.

You can have all that you want and enjoy in a relationship whether these things come from among several women or just one. When you do not make your relationships exclusive, then you eliminate all the stress and drama that often accompanies them, particularly if you are young people without much life experience to draw upon. Better me thinks to find Ms. Right from among the many women you date than to begin and end the process with the first warm body who expresses an interest in you. Think about this.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[Dbondjuk]

To answer the first things about reading the stickies you mentioned, yes I have read just about every sticky on this whole website lol. I'm on here constantly reading peoples problems and advice. I try to apply it to myself somewhat...

Anyhow, I am fully aware of the consequences and responsibilities of being a father and a good "husband". I may think I have thought this through long term, but I really doubt I thought THAT hard about it. I mean sure, I though about a year or so ahead, where would I be if I was with her. I mapped it out like I would like to see it, but everyone knows it never turns out the way you want it to. Me and her have a pretty good history of friendship, and we have dated before. The only reason it didn't work those other times is because we went our separate ways, school or what not. We always seem to meet up a few years later and fall back in love, its strange.

The main thing I think we are both confused on is: Are these hormones of pregnancy making her fall out of love with her current fiance? She is 6 months in, and hasn't felt "in love" with him for about 4 months she said. Now, I'm no women but I heard that a females mental status and logic can be completely twisted up when they get pregnant. But again, with our history, I don't think it is 100% hormones that are giving her these explosive feelings towards me. Sure, part of it is, but I don't think that it can fully be hormones. I have a lot to think about if she becomes very serious about me and her, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. Regardless of the sex and things we did in the past few days, shes back over there now.

A few things I would like to point out are:

*She did text me today, telling me she loves me and shes sorry about all of this and that she feels like she has to give Autumn (her baby girls name to be) a fair chance with her fiance. I understand that completely.

*The next thing we talked about was her and her fiance, she said she told him completely how she felt about me, and how she had no feeling for him really. All he wants is the baby to be born and see how she feels by then. Before all of this, the guy hated me. I don't know why, I've tried to be a man to him, but he just wont budge. Now he is saying they are going to sit down together and write me an email on Monday. He also said he wanted me to come see the baby with them, it's all very strange. It's like hes trying to say anything that will make her happy so he doesn't lose her.

*The last thing that we talked about was, "if he slips up again what are you going to do? Are you going to leave like u said u would?" Her response was sort of shocking, yet makes me believe she is only there because of the baby. She said, " Yeah I would leave him, I'm sick of his lies. Deep deep down I hope that he does screw up so i can leave." -wtf does that mean to you? To me it means, "Hey, I'm only here because I feel obligated to be because of this baby." which I think is dumb.

I honestly don't know what I want. I would love to settle down and just live my life, work, have fun with my GF or Wife. I don't care too much about "dating around" - I never have done that because its boring and half the girls out there are bitches (excuse my language). All the stuff I felt with this girl was pretty nice and real, and just thinking about her and having a baby is kind of exciting, especially if i get to father it. I know I would be a great dad, I've been told by plenty of people who saw me or let me take care of their children

One thing that does bother me is, if she does leave him, it would be really awkward for me to sit there with her and her baby while he comes over or something to see her. I mean, he would have to step up and be a man about things. I'd hope he actually reaches that level of maturity before this baby is born or I'll feel really sorry for them. Anyways, that is my response somewhat. My thoughts are jumbled right now, but I put as much down in a sense as I could.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You are well out of this one. Seriously - why are you remaining in the same area? Get out of there!

[Dbondjuk]

I noticed I was in the same area, was about to get out and just drop it, then she broke up with that guy for good. I guess he yelled at her and started some dumb fight when she was trying to give him money to go out with friends. She ended up calling me at like 1am crying saying if I could come pick her up from there, so I did. We talked things over and I suppose now we are dating. I'm a bit skeptical about a few things still, but I suppose over time I won't be...

I'm actually kind of excited because this is what I wanted with my life, gonna be fun to finally see how it all plays out lol. None the less, sometimes I am very stupid in deciding. I suppose time will tell on that one as well... Wish me luck, I'll be around here of course, I always am. :P

[LickMyGamete]

So hows it going?

Personally - I would run. Sounds like she's looking for a father for her baby after realizing she was stupid and chose a loser who can't support them to make it with (wow that's a long sentence). It's a very sad situation, and you make a comment about "half the girls being B*tches out there" which is why you're not dating, but THIS girl is somehow above that and worth dating? Come on Db...


Get out there and date. Stop worrying about whether its hormones or true love that brings her to you, back yourself out of their lives and search for someone of good quality for yourself. Because what's going to happen is - she's going to have the baby, the baby is going to get to know you, and you're going to have to deal with this man being constantly in YOUR lives, as well as having to take care of his baby, THEN if you at all have second thoughts and feel uncomfortable with the situation and leave, the child will lose out on the person it calls "daddy." If you're not ready to grow up and be mature and responsible and do all that NOW, then stop wasting their time and let them work it out. It's really not fair to the child..