Am I too needy?

[Anonamemouse]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for over a year. She's 23, I'm 24. I've been lurking in the forums for over a year and have read all the stickies and references available. Here's my situation:

We've been having sex for almost a year, maybe 9 months. We were both virgins when we started. Up until sex, she'd been the one initiating sexual "things" - making out, kissing etc.

Once we started actually having sex, she's been less and less interested in doing sexual things. Before we ever had intercourse, I had gone through the trials of learning how to please her and give her unassisted orgasms. I know she has orgasms and she says she enjoys it when we're doing it. It was probably 2-3 months between giving manual / oral to her and us having intercourse.

However, recently she seems to be taking that back and changing her stance on things. She says I "get to have sex with her" and that she almost never wants to have sex. She makes me feel like I'm not attractive and that I force sex on her which is absolutely NOT the case.

I'm a fairly attractive, athletic guy. She has no problem pointing out attractive guys on tv or in movies, but she has nothing but criticism for me. I'm able to take the criticism, but even if I follow it, she doesn't seem to find me more attractive, she just changes her target. It's not like she does it on purpose or spitefully, but it comes out in subtle ways. Like every once in a while she'll say something like, "Man, I wish you had a 6-pack." But of course, God help me if I say anything other than "you look beautiful."

I want to feel like she wants to have sex with me. I don't know if that will ever happen. I've tried using "The Program", but she complained that she got bored and it took too long and it was annoying. I've tried everything possible to make sex enjoyable for her, and she seems to enjoy it while we're doing it.

And it's not like she doesn't initiate sex. Sometimes, she does. But on the whole, she acts like sex is something she gives me and not something she wants. She says sometimes she's worried about how other people will think of her (parents, family) if they knew she had sex. There's always an air of "maybe things would be better if we got married," but I don't know how to politely say that I couldn't marry someone who acts the way she does about sex. I'm not immature - I know that sexual compatibility is a very real thing.

We don't have nearly as much sex as I'd like. We probably have it 1-2 times a month. This is extremely hard on me, being a physically fit male at 24, previously a virgin. I understand we'll never have the amount of sex I'd want (2-3 times a week), but there just seems to be no compromise. We have sex as much as she wants, and not a minute more. She also admits that she masturbates occasionally, without me. This tells me she HAS more of a sex drive, but that it's not pointed at me.

Everything just seems so unfair. Originally when we talked about birth control before sex, she said she'd take the pill. I said "Ok, that's awesome" but then she said "Wait, you need to use condoms too. It's only fair that we both use birth control." I'm cool with that. Fastforward a year, and we've only been using condoms with the pill not even a discussion. I've been purchasing lube and condoms the ENTIRE relationship (which adds up over time). She won't even touch my penis without a condom on it (she has OCD).

I always try to make her feel comfortable and know that I really care about her and lover her, but that isn't enough to "turn her on". Originally, I thought maybe if I worked out more, changed my clothes, cut my hair differently etc. that she might find me more attractive and want to have more sex with me. Instead, it just seems like she has different things to criticize about me

Am I being ridiculous? Is this really how most women are? (By that I mean, they only tolerate sex and rarely desire it.) Sorry about the long post / rant, but I've been trying to deal with this for a long time. Part of me feels like I'm being an asshole and should just deal with the lack of sex, the other half says I should be with someone who WANTS me in the same way I want them.

We've talked about this too. It's not like I'm coming here first without communicating with her. The problem is, I usually get trapped into feeling like there's no solution. In her mind, she thinks "What do you want me to do? Have sex when I don't want to?" My only solution is BE ATTRACTED TO ME OR DUMP ME. This grey area of being mildly attracted to me is just aggravating.

[Brandye]

No one except your g/f knows what is going on in her head. Many women have second thoughts after doing away with their virginity. Others use whomever is available to "get it over with." And, in either case, the relationship changes. It sounds as though this is an issue for her to workout, with whatever help she wants, not for you to work out unilaterally.

Women often do not realize that sex represents something different for the male body and the female body. A couple times a week is much more reasonable than a couple times a month. If she sees it as meeting your needs and she should be thanked for it, this represents something from her growing up that does not bode well for a long term.

In a non-sexual and non-threatening situation, bring this up. It may be worthwhile for the two of you to seek couples counseling. If not, you have a big decision to make.

[Anonamemouse]

What really IS couples counseling? I mean, I have a vague idea of what it is, but how is it any different from just talking to her with another person in the room? How expensive is counseling? I don't think she'd be keen on the idea, because she's been to therapy for depression/suicide attempt and has declared that therapists/counseling are not for her.

The virginity thing might be a possibility, although she's said many times that she only wants to have sex with one person her whole life: me. I've had to put a LOT of trust in her - early in the relationship she cheated on me with one of her older lesbian girlfriends when she was drunk. It was hard to get over, and I really trust that she won't do it again.

She was never sexually abused as a child, so I'm not sure if it's something from her childhood.

A lot of times, she seems to have problems with the entire male gender, though. She seems to hate male sexuality and how it is portrayed in movies etc. It's hard to explain, and I know only she really knows what she's thinking, but I'm saying what I see and hear from her.

Thanks a lot for the input Brandye. This has been wearing on me a lot recently.

[Sekcboi85]

Honestly, I don't think you should put up with how she is treating you. You say that she openly criticizes you about your appearance and it makes you feel like she is unattractive you. Then she refuses to have sex with you except for 1-2 times a month. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.

There are only 2 options that I would consider if it were me.

1. Take Brandye's advice about talking to her in a non-threatening way. If she really cares about you, then you guys might be able to work things out by talking to each other about it.

2. If that doesn't work, I would leave her. The whole point of the relationship is to make both of you happier isn't it? So no point in staying if she is making you feel like crap.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sorry, guy, but this is one girl you have got to get rid of.

She's a selfish lover.
She does not love you as much as she loves herself.
She's too immature for words since she's worrying about what others would think if they knew she had sex - OMG like eewww an adult having sex!?! Who ever heard of such a thing!! She needs to GTFU and stop thinking she's a princess.

Kick her to the curb so fast her head spins!

And go find yourself someone worth your while.

[dancingdoc2]

> What really IS couples counseling? I mean, I have a vague idea of what it is, but how is it any different from just talking to her with another person in the room?

Dang! you seem to be caught between a rock and a hard spot. Damned if you try damned if you don't. And, her life experiences seem to be her own worst enemy.

Counseling can take different forms depending upon the type and the problem; although in general modern methods are moderated by a trained individual who contributes his/her knowledge and experience in a manner designed to help a person/couple find their own solution through discussion or problem solving techniques. Of course answers can be provided and insight gained, as well as skills taught, in addition. Tests can also be administered in order to learn what a patient's/client's mental status is.

Consulting with a parent or trusted friend in confidence can often be beneficial with regard to simple problems or situations; however, you must also understand the ol' adage: that you get what you pay for".

> How expensive is counseling?

Fees vary depending upon locale, and a counselor or therapists credentials.

> I don't think she'd be keen on the idea, because she's been to therapy for depression/suicide attempt and has declared that therapists/counseling are not for her.

Having been to a marriage counselor years ago, having a couple of friends who have different practices, and in doing what I do here, I can tell you that very often the best advice is best received when it is presented by the best professional for the particular client. In other words, it is sometimes worthwhile making an appointment with two different professionals. Your girlfriend may not have found the best counselor for her. It may have also been that she was not totally forthcoming and/or did not like what she heard.

[EvilEvilKitten]

A good therapist challenges - this girl thinks she rules so she will not take kindly to the idea of couseling/therapy.

Like I said before - move on.