Possible interest after years

[HOTFIRE]

Back in high school this girl, Helen, and I were good friends. I had always had a crush on her and I never seemed to get the same vibe from her. We would flirt but it always just seemed like it was in a friendship kind of way. I started dating another girl, Salena, and Helen got jealous. It turned out that she had liked me just as long as I liked her. I decided to stick with Salena just because I didn't want to hurt her. Helen and I didn't really talk after that.

Three years later I am finally getting over Salena after she broke my heart. Helen is now newly single from a couple year relationship that has been hard on her. We are starting to talk again over the phone and texting. We have openly said that we both had feelings for each other in high school. I still haven't seen her since then. We have kind of flirted and it seems like we really connect with our personalities. But I am kind of scared of what to expect when I go home next week on 03/13/09. I am there for a week for my spring break. I am in my second year at college and she lives in my hometown 300 miles away.

I would really like to date Helen. I feel close to her when we talk and I care about her. Salena was my only other girlfriend I have ever had. I am ready for a new relationship. Helen and I have drunkenly texted each other and said that we would like to cuddle with each other and things of that nature. But it turns out that her last boyfriend cheated on her and now she has trust issues, she is pessimistic about relationships, and is afraid of getting her heart broken. I would never break her heart, and I am a trustworthy guy. I want this to work out between us. There is also the long distance thing to concider.

We have talked of "hanging out" when I get home. She says that we can watch a movie and have some margaritas. She says I can crash at her place and I can sleep on the couch or with her in her bed if she wants to cuddle. How should I approach this situation? I want to be with her but it feels like I am getting mixed signals. What should I say to her?

[Sekcboi85]

From what you have said it doesn't sound like she is giving you mixed signals. I say go for it and have a good time with her. It is going to be pretty hard to establish a real relationship with her since you guys will be 300 miles away for most of the year. So go take her out and have some fun and see what happens from there

[HOTFIRE]

She says she doesn't feel like she is ready to be in a relationsip again because of her past experiences.

[dancingdoc2]

The first recommendation that the sexperts advise is to give one or both people enough time to get over the past relationship. You seem to be farther along than she, although an absolute time is not the criteria. Each person is ready for a new relationship when s/he is, it may be six months or a couple of years.

Although the two of you do share a history, this is dated. You are different people today than back in high school. That said I would approach this new get together as any new relationship. This mean no sex and no sleeping over until this new relationship has time to develop. For all you know, when the two of you see each other, again, and hang out, there will not be any chemistry--or maybe there will be.

I suggest keeping the friendship alive and working while at home and while away at school. I do agree that it is difficult to keep a relationship going when the two people involved are doing different things in life and are separated for months at a time. Test the viability of getting back together, although do not push it; rather, let it evolve on its own and if it is meant to be it will happen.

You are around lots of students while at college and exposed to and involved in a lot of activities. This makes maintaining a relationship even more difficult to impossible. Besides, people in your age range should be doing a lot of dating in order to learn what humanity has to offer us. Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. One of the purposes of dating is to do your growing and maturing before settling down instead of several years later. This is one reason why people get divorced. Better to discover Ms./Mr. Right from among all the contenders you become involved with whether it be one date, a couple, or a whole lot. This is another reason I recommend not attempting to get serious with her. So, date her, date many others at school, also, and begin learning about all the different likes, dislikes, whims, characters, values, goals, etc., that people have. Eventually, Ms. Right will come along and you'll definitely know it.

[HOTFIRE]

What you say makes a lot of sense. I realize that we have become different people since we last saw each other. I will admit that this scares me a bit. But we have been clicking through out messages. It's not so easy for me to date. People say I am not a bad looking guy and that I am nice and sweet. But for some reason the ladies never seem to like me as more than a friend. In fact she is one of only tow warm bodies to ever express interest in me. That's why I want this to work out. I am afraid that if I let her slip through my fingers that I might be alone forever.

[dancingdoc2]

Your predicament is not unusual. There are two solutions you can try: first, act your way to success; second, keep asking people out. The two go hand in hand.

I'm not suggesting that you be dishonest, only that you behave the way you wish to be(come). Begin dating lots of women. If first you do not succeed, try, try again.

[HOTFIRE]

So you are saying that I should act like a different person to pick up women? Who should I act like? What do women want to hear from men? Is there an existing thread on how to pick up women?

[dancingdoc2]

It's using the new psychology: Behaving your way or acting your way to success. As an example, if you are nervous, act as if you are not; if you lack confidence, act as if you are confident. If you have difficulty holding a conversation with a woman, ask her a leading question and stand back and listen. Take mental notes and interject a question or comment from time to time and before you know it, half an hour has passed and you have gained much insight and information without much effort.

Just do not be cocky or act like an ass when doing this. This approach is the same as an actor or actress uses when assuming the role of a character in a play. If you repeat the behavior enough, you will take on the characteristic(s) you want.

If women do not view you as "mate" material, it may be that you are not investing sufficient time with them. It may be that you are not finding the right women from which to pursue the matter. Dating is like this. We date lots of people in order to find "the one (1) for us. So, keep asking, keep dating, keep on keeping on. A date may last one time, some will go for round two or three, others will last longer. Eventually each of these will end, yet you will find there will be one or two that last for months or years. This is what you are striving to accomplish. Keep you dating casual and non committed. This does not mean you cannot have romance or sex with some, just that you eliminate or sidestep the possessiveness, stress, and, drama, that usually accompany committed relationships. Save this for a time when you are ready to settle down.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Please stop with the "she broke my heart" sob story, fella. You see, it is that kind of "I'm a little puppy" stuff that keeps women, other than Helen, from wanting to date you. Helen wants to 'date' you because you're 'safe' and she can treat you whatever way she wants and you'll go along with it because "she was hurt" by some other guy - she wants you because you're a puppy - one she doesn't have to take seriously and can kick to the curb whenever she wants.

Why should you pay for something some other guy did?

If she really gave a damn about you, she'd shut up about the previous fellow and get on with finding out all about you. She'd not whine about 'not being ready for another relationship' - she would simply not mention it either way and just let things develop as they will - or will not. She would be relaxed, interested, and looking forward to her life.

It is time you learned to quietly demand your due from women by NOT taking this dating thing so seriously. Date as many as you can talk into it simultaneously. Relax and have fun with the widest possible social circle you can. Smile, laugh, tease, and learn to say "promises, promises" with a huge grin on your face.

[HOTFIRE]

I don't see how you guys can say that I should date a bunch of people simultaneously when we, or at least I, live in such a monogamous society. I don't think any female would appreciate the idea that they are not the only one I am with.