Sticky dating situation..Doc and EEK I bet you know what to do

[raez]

Ok so the two guys I am dating will both be at a dinner party we are going to in a couple weeks. One of the guys is my former boyfriend, with whom I recently decided to go from a nearlly one and ahalf year long exclusive relationship to an open "just dating" one (we care about eachother a great deal but live at a distance from eachother and decided at this point in our lives there was no real reason to be exclusive. The decision was made very calmly and maturely so it hasn't yet stirred up any drama between the two of us, we are both happy with the situation) The other guy is an acquaintance who just a couple days ago I randomly contacted at the suggestion of a friend of mine, who's boyfriend is his roommate. This guy and I had met a few times right at the beginning of my recent relationship and had exchanged numbers but then hadn't contacted eachother. I was attracted to and interested in him but ended up getting caught up in being with my boyfriend and didn't really have the time or desire to see anyone else before ending up only seeing my boyfriend exclusively. My friend serves as the only link to our two social circles so we haven't managed to run into eachother in quite awhile. However, after a few texts the other night, now he and I have a date for tomorrow night. Both guys will definitely be at the party, the new one because it is at his house, and the old because he has several friends that will also be in attendance so was invited and has taken that weekend off work to travel here for it.

Now, how do I go about this whole dating two guys at the same time thing in general. How much information do I need to give each of them? The dating other people situation is already clear between me and my former, but what about the new guy. Do I explain the situation with my former to him or is it safe to assume that on a first date it is understood that one isn't necessarily the only one the other person is currently dating. I feel like it is only fair that both parties be fully aware of the situation, I don't want anyone to be surprised and possibly hurt later on, but also part of me says that what I do with other people I'm not really obligated to share until it becomes a situation where the relationship is becoming borderline exclusive. My former does not yet know about my date tomorrow by the way. When is it appropriate to share this information, if at all?

More specifically, given that the date tomorrow goes well and we remain interested in eachother, how do I handle this dinner party with both guys there when I am technically be going there with my former by default since he is staying with me that weekend and we will be literally arriving together. I want both guys to have a good night and I certainly don't want to make things awkward for either of them. I also don't want to make it seem like I'm rubbing it in either of their faces that I'm also dating someone else. Do I tell each of them the other will be there so that they aren't surprised about it, or do I not mention it and just act casual towards each of them all night, they have never met so they wouldn't know who the other is upon sight necessarily. I don't want to give either of them mixed signals or seem cold and disinterested but it seems like avoiding any kind of flirtatious behavior with either of them would be the best way to avoid making either of them feel bad or awkward. However my former and I do also have a habit of being somewhat publicly affectionate, nothing outrageous just normal stuff like hand holding, short kisses, light physical contact. Would suddenly cutting off this behavior be wrong or should it be part of the terms of our new relationship?

Agh I'm so confused and worried.. While I am very interested in dating both guys and believe it is the right thing to do at this point in my life, this isn't something I have done before so I'm not sure what the right way to go about it is. It makes me nervous, I don't want to end up inadvertantly hurting or upsetting anyone. Oh and this new guy also happens to be Turkish and while he is mostly fluent in english he still has trouble sometimes, so there is a bit of a language barrier, I don't know how hard it will be to explain things in a way that I know he really understands, if it is indeed necessary that I give him all the details. He comes off as a bit shy though I get the feeling that he isn't really, its just harder for him to keep up in conversation. I don't want to end up just confusing him. I guess it also all kind of depends on if the date with him even goes well and how many more times we see eachother between now and the party. Anyway, any sage advice available is definitely needed and appreciated.

[leeishere]

As I see it, you have three options:

Firstly, don't mention it to the new guy and go to the party.
I would say that the chance of getting 'found out' is quite high, and given that the party is at new guy's house, things could get really ugly. Also this shows a real big lack of trust, maybe not the best way to start a relationship.

Next, you could wait until after he next date and talk to the new guy.
You have only just started with him, so probably have no idea what he thinks about open relationships. He may like the idea, or it might put him straight off. There is a risk of ending a relationship before it starts here, but as you are opening communications there are also options.

Lastly you could not attend / feign illness etc.
This option leaves things a lot more open, and the risk of getting 'found out' is a lot lower. It would essentially give you more time to figure things out and what you want to do.


My own personal preference would talking to him about it after your next date (if it goes well). Both the other options are at least somewhat dishonest, and will either blow up in your face or just delay a decision until later (the new guy WILL find out eventually).

[EvilEvilKitten]

You explain nothing to anyone.

These men only have the 'rights' you choose to give them - you're not their wife- and their egos are their problem - you're not their mommy. This is a test. The man who can keep his cool and win your respect by his behavior "wins". You do the social butterfly thing of talking to everyone - mingle, girl, mingle! - and enjoy yourself.

Do not answer questions you do not wish to answer or feel he has no right to ask.

You can actually say "Why do you ask that? Explain to me why you would want to know that?" Just stay calm and relaxed and keep your mouth closed. Your business is your business and you only share the basic facts with those who are seriously interested in you. Any sign of junvenile behavior is grounds for immediate dismissal. We're all adults here. Expect adult behavior.

Should either man wish to discontinue his relationship with you, you let him go saying that you will miss him - smile when you say it - and you wish him well.

What's this "found out" nonsense? You're not sneaking anywhere. You're up front - "I'm dating more than one man at a time, as I should be."

Relax and Enjoy!

[Brandye]

Evil, as usual, is spot on. You control your life and what happens with either or both of them simply happens. One or both may lose interest. Then you have a blank slate to start over. The only worry I ever had was ending up with two dates, two guys, the same day, with established sexual relationships with both. Sometimes douching is a good idea.

[raez]

Um feign illness? thanks but no thanks. I'm not about to miss what should be a good night just to avoid conflict. That would be silly and unproductive. I trust both guys to behave maturely regardless of the situation and not make a scene. If they do not behave themselves, then as EEK says..immediate grounds for dismissal. Nor is my concern with being "found out". I am doing nothing wrong, my curiousity as to "how much to tell and when" is merely a matter of respect for these two and their feelings, not a "I don't want to get in trouble" thing.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom EEK!
Worrying about the feelings of others is kind of what I do, a little too much in fact probably..I feel much better about the situation with your reassurance that I'm well within my rights and not being a selfish bitch or anything. and yes I plan on having a terrific time.

[raez]

Thanks Brandye
oh and "The only worry I ever had was ending up with two dates, two guys, the same day, with established sexual relationships with both. Sometimes douching is a good idea."
You are hilarious. lol

[dlb]

Not everyone can handle having two lovers at the same social event at the same time. If you really enjoy this sort of head game you you will eventually want to take it to a higher level-three, four.... more. In the end you stay with the one who handles it best, who defends your dignity and reputation from the one(s) who can't handle it. You might even want to marry that one.

I used to be such a naughty boy....

[EvilEvilKitten]

LOL - been there and have done that - messed up my schedule 'big time'! Fortunately I drive really, REALLY fast.

One reason why group sex aka orgies are so much easier.

[raez]

lol oh geez, there is barely enough room in my schedule to date one guy, no way I could fit in four or five. Unfortunately I'm not really the group sex type..for now anyway. dlb, though I do see the value in this sort of situation to find the "winner", from the other side I think I would be a bit upset if someone I was dating were to put me in such a situation purposefully just to play head games. I mean, I believe that I would handle the situation just fine, I wouldn't start ripping the other women's hair out or start getting snarky or anything, but it would make me slightly less trusting of the person I was dating, like I would feel they weren't showing me a level of respect that I deserve. I'm not out to purposefully make people feel uncomfortable, it just so happens in this case its not really unavoidable.

and if you care to be updated...the date went very well, new guy is quite the gentleman, and oh my god he is so hot. I can't wait for this to turn into a sexual relationship if it does.lol

I'm excited for this dinner party now, more just to see what happens than anything. My roommate keeps giving me shit about it, telling me that he is going to try to make it as awkward as possible for me...make it so that we end up sitting with each guy on either side of me..dropping hints to either of them to come flirt with me, etc etc. He gets kicks out of making me uncomfortable, so thats a new challenge added to the game I guess..to show him that I'm remaining cool no matter what happens and beat him at his game ...hahaha. Oh this will be interesting.

[dlb]

Originally Posted by raez

dlb, though I do see the value in this sort of situation to find the "winner", from the other side I think I would be a bit upset if someone I was dating were to put me in such a situation purposefully just to play head games. I mean, I believe that I would handle the situation just fine, I wouldn't start ripping the other women's hair out or start getting snarky or anything, but it would make me slightly less trusting of the person I was dating, like I would feel they weren't showing me a level of respect that I deserve. I'm not out to purposefully make people feel uncomfortable, it just so happens in this case its not really unavoidable.

... a new challenge added to the game I guess... game ...hahaha. Oh this will be interesting.

I think the reason we play these games and put other people in this sort of situation is because it makes us feel more desireable and powerful sexually.